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Survive95

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  1. Today has been a long rough day all together I feel like if it wasn’t one thing it’s another!!! I had counseling today and I decided I was gonna write a letter to my abuser and send it off... I hate the unknown of not knowing if he’s gonna open it or the unknown is what drives me even crazier. I’m the type that constantly has to be in control and when I’m not I get anxious and stressed out and depressed and I don’t know how to handle it!! I hate feeling this way!!! Now I’m stuck have stupid Father’s Day dinner with all the in laws and every time we have dinner I end up at the end by myself on my phone (like now) playing games or just keeping myself occupied... it makes me feel so alone and unwanted but this is what I married into I love him to much to let this mess up our marriage. Dot get me wrong he try’s to talk to me a little bit but I get so depressed I just don’t want to talk to anyone!!! I hate it I hate today I hate everything I just feel like cutting crying and sleeping!!
  2. 23 today...oh well

    so today’s my 23 birthday and instead of enjoying it and embracing the fact I’ve lived another year I’m depressed and crying!!! I keep thinking I’m going to go check the mail and imma have a card and a dream catcher in there from my dad. But I know that’s not gonna happen not after what he’s done. I remember growing up every year he would make me one and send it to me with a card. I know it wasn’t much but it’s the thought that count. He was still in jail and managed to do something special for me. Now I feel like I’m such a horrible person for standing up for myself and taking away someone that seemed to care about me. I just wish I could talk to him and hear his voice I don’t want to have a conversation just hear him hear his voice. I feel so freakin pathetic like why do I care so much today? Why am I so emotional? Why do I even bother giving it a second thought? He ruined me! Destroyed me! And I can’t help but to feel bad today!!! happy fucking birthday to me!!! NOT!!!!!
  3. Stupid sleep

    So tonight I slept on the couch cause my husband and the kids were cuddling in our bed so peacefully and I was so tired I just wanted to sleep so I left them in there I chugged a beer before bed so I could actually relax and sleep( I know but it’s my choice of easy relaxation without having to try to hard) so I finally fall fast asleep and all of a sudden I’m dream about a friend from work and I hear a really loud clap like not in my dream but I’m real life and I jump and I completely freak out I look around and nobody’s up everyone is asleep and then I hear my daughters stupid toy going off in her room so I go turn that off and walk around to check everything and nobody is there so now I’m super paranoid and scared and now I keep having flash backs and I don’t want to lay back down so now I don’t know if I should chug another beer to go back to sleep or stay awake and not get any sleep and be super tired tomorrow at work
  4. I feel like I made progress

    So today for the first time in about 11 years I wore a swimsuit without any other clothes over it. Granted it was a one piece with a skirt bottom but I’m proud of my self. I didn’t feel overwhelmed or the need to put clothes on. Also there was only me and my kids and a few other people so it wasn’t really crowded. It was nice not feeling anxiety and feeling like I needed more clothes on to cover up. I had so much fun with my kids in the pool I can’t wait to do it all over again tomorrow.
  5. Feeling a little lost and blind

    I could do that but then I have my nosey 4 year old who wants to talk to whoever I’m talking to on the phone and my 6 month old crawling and getting into everything. I could try putting them down for a nap at the time but if they don’t fall asleep by that time then it really wouldn’t work
  6. Feeling a little lost and blind

    Today has been a sucky day. I woke up in he middle of the night to feed my son just to wake up to pink eye... like seriously pink eye? Now I can’t wear my contacts for a while to let my eye heal and my glasses still haven’t came in so I can’t drive, I can hardly see anything. Tomorrow I have counseling and I really don’t want to cancel it... but I can’t drive at all. I would be okay canceling it but I actually really need to talk to her. I mean I could ask my mom to take me and each my kids but she still doesn’t know I’m even going. So that would end up bringing up the reason why I’m going in the first place and part of it is because of her. I’m really not ready to have that conversation with her right now or anytime soon at all I just want to work it out on my own with out having to confront her about it. I have no idea what to do.
  7. Feeling pathetic

    Thank you for your kind words and understanding. It’s been crazy lately and I feel so lonely most of the time. just knowing that you read it makes me feel better like someone actually cares
  8. Feeling pathetic

    I’m having such a bad night I just wish it could be over with already!! I just wish I didnt have to feel this depression I’m feeling. Like I’m so down in a funk and I can’t get out. I hate not being able to talk to anyone about it. I know I can call someone but I don’t want to be a bother to them. I don’t want them to feel like I’m a burden or I’m pestering them about my stupid problems. I keep trying to push through all these feelings and I just end up finding myself sitting on the couch crying. I wish I could just shut off all my emotions and just act like everything is okay there’s no hurt there’s no pain there’s no depression there’s nothing. I hate that my mind keeps going back to all the abuse I’ve dealt with all the neglect all the physical abuse all the sexual abuse and rape and the running and the sleeping around and all the drugs and all the cutting and all the other stupid crap I’ve done and all the other stuff I’ve had to deal with. I feel overwhelmed like I can’t manage to eat I can’t manage to sleep I can hardly take care of my own kids. It’s getting bad tonight but I’m trying my best to push through it until both kids are sound asleep. I don’t want them to see me freak out or to see me sitting her pathetically crying on the couch. I don’t want them to see how unstable I truly am. It’s so hard to deal with the unpleasant presence I feel like someone is standing here watching fail watching me be weak and just laughing at me. I feel like I have to be strong for the sake of me. But why can’t someone else be strong for me? Why do I always have to be strong for me and everyone around me?? Why can’t I just have flaws for once? Why can’t I just be the irresponsible person I want to be sometimes? Why can’t I have a break? Why can’t I just be a happy normal 22 year old girl who hangs out with friends and who isn’t paranoind about leaving home or even paranoid just to walk to her car? I guess these are all questions I will never get an answer to. This is the moment I’ve been dreading for a while now. This is the moment I have to gain some balls and finally talk about it.
  9. Have you ever??

    Do you ever feel like you just wish nothing ever happened that your assault never happened or like you could just forget about and just live your life??
  10. Today’s session

    Thank you
  11. Today’s session

    I know I just hate the unknown I just want to be able to know what’s gonna happen when and when the next thing is I like to be aware and whether or not I’m prepared for it or not is a different story I try to take it one step at a time and something usually happens that knocks me back
  12. Today’s session

    It’s just the thought of what if something goes wrong or what if there’s something I can’t Handel and I have another break down then I have to wait even longer to see her I know I can just call her and ask for an appointment but the fact that I know I just have a week before I go back is comforting
  13. Today’s session

    Thanks I did tell her I didn’t want to just yet and she asked why and I told her and she was okay with it but I just feel so overwhelmed with just the thought of it
  14. Today’s session

    Today in counseling my counselor asked me how I would feel going every 2 weeks instead of every week. I kinda just wanted to get up and walk out and say fuck you but I know she didn’t mean it In a bad way but I feel like maybe she’s trying to push me away. I don’t want to change things up right now. I finally feel like we are making progress and I’m finally finding a way to be okay with things. She said I made really good progress but I don’t know about that. I can manage to manipulate my brain into thinking this are okay especially if I’m super busy at work or just doing something to keep my mind busy. I just don’t want to change up anything yet cause What of something happens and I have another break down and I cant manage to coup what am I suppose to do then? I finally got comfortable with her to be able to talk about anything and everything now and it doesn’t feel so awkward anymore it feels like I’m just talking to a friend or something but one that actually knows and understands what I’m going through. I feel like I’m overreacting and over thinking it but I can’t help it I don’t know what to do. I just can’t afford to deal with any change right now I’ve been dealing with enough change as is with out adding that to it.
  15. ...

    I’m in a big funk today and I don’t know how well I’m going to take today... I just want to be able to make today be okay just so I can get through my day at work and go home and take care of my kids but no matter how hard I try right now my head keeps going back to all those horrible memories I wish I could forget I wish I would of never been born most of the time so I wouldn’t have to go through all the crap I’ve been through or even born into a different family to where they actually stuck up for me and defended me when I need it I know I strong and independent most of the time but still having someone there that actually cares would be great
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