So I got to work today and I just couldn’t face my friend today now that she knows my biggest secret I have I’ve told her secrets before but now she knows the biggest one I have so all day today I’ve been avoiding her at all coast I feel like things have changed like she looks at me differently no and now we are going to lunch tomorrow together and I don’t know what to do now what if she asks me what happened or what if she asks me about the time I had to climb out of a window to avoid being R again what if she changes her mind or we sit in complete silence with nothing to say to eachother glad I finally told her and now she knows why I’ve been so depressed and freaked out and she even told me somethings that had happened to her when she was younger we kind of went through the same things but different and I know I don’t need to hid from her or avoid her but I can’t seem to get myself to stop and now tomorrow morning me and her will be locked up in a little room with about a foot of space between us working and her teaching me something new I’m excited to learn new things but what if she just starts talking about her past am I just suppose to just act like nothings wrong and keep the conversation going or just stop it I want to be open with her but I don’t know how anymore I’m so confused
About this blog
I wanted to have a place to put my thoughts for people who can relate with how I feel and understand what I’m going through
Entries in this blog
Feeling a little paranoid about work today. I just hope I don’t see that man today I don’t think I can take another break down. And then on top of that I finally told one of the girls that I work with why I had broken down the other day at work and so now she knows. I mean I’m happy that I told her. We’re really good friends I just dont want anything to change. I don’t want her to act different or look at me differently now that she knows. Hoping nothing changes between each other because we have a really good friendship and it’s kind of an unspoken language. If that makes any sense
Yesterday was a horrible day I did end up having a break down at work and I had to tell one of the managers what was wrong so I could leave I feel absolutely defeated I always promised myself I would never break in public or infront of people and that’s exactly what happened now I don’t even want to go to work I know I have nothing to worry about because people at my job are understanding and my boss is amazing and won’t make a big deal about it as long as I’m okay but now I have to go face these people and act like everything is all right and there’s nothing wrong but all I want to do is hide from the world and sleep but I have kids to take care of maybe today won’t be so bad hoping for the best
I posted a couple weeks ago about a bad dream I had and today the guy I dreamt about that was hurting me showed up to my job and insisted he needed to talk to me and tell me how beautiful I was and now I just feel sick and scared and just want to ball up in a little ball and hide in a corner somewhere I really just want to go home I don’t think I can make it through today at work my job is literally nothing but customer service so I have to be nice and shake it off but I just can’t seem to do it today I just need to go home and hide
I just want to scream and cry at the same time I feel so much hatred pain and I feel so hurt I just don’t know what to do anymore😭😞🤬🤯
As I sit here on the coach just wanting and needing someone to talk to I have no one I thought I finally had someone to talk to it ended up not working out and no I’m all alone again with no one to talk to with no one who cares just me myself and my thoughts and that’s the worst possible thing that can happen at this moment I just want to give up and say F*** it all!!
FAMILY our the ones that are suppose to be on your side
FAMILY our the ones that are suppose to love you no matter what
FAMILY our the ones that suppose to protect you
but if family is suppose to do all those thing then why are they the ones who hurt us the most?
One thing I learned Helped me coupe with my feelings was to write a letter to my dad that sa me as a young child but I never mail it off I just put it away somewhere I can’t see but I know where it’s at so here’s another
as I lay here and cringe at the thought of going to sleep because I’m afraid to have another bad dream because of what you have done to me I think about how badly I wanted to believe you were a good guy and that you had changed that maybe I could have the dad I always wanted the one that plays dress up with there daughter or even goes to the store and buy pads for there daughters and isn’t afraid of what anybody else might think and after what you did to me I still wanted to think you were a good guy I wanted to deny everything u had done for those 3 days straight I just wanted it to all go away and never to be brought up again but how was I suppose to know that it was gonna come out eventually sometimes I wish I would of kept my mouth shut and maybe I would of had the father I always wanted or maybe I was just to young and nieve to believe that you could ever change let alone be a good person I never wanted to believe what my eyes were actually showing me when I was with you I saw the drug deal you did when you claimed it was your friend just stopping by to meet me and even the gun your so called girlfriend gave you and you slipt it to the back of your pants and hid it with your shirt so I couldn’t see it or even the prostitues you had come over when u thought I was asleep but I knew it all I just didn’t want to believe it I just wanted to have someone to looked up to since I couldn’t depend on my mother or any of my brothers to be there for me now it’s years later and you have completely destroyed me and ruined my life I tried to kill my self several different times and it was just a fail but I am stronger now and still surviving just one day at a time
I like to write as a way to help coupe with everything I’ve been through so I decided instead maybe I’ll start a blog and put it all on here for others to read and maybe I’ll post something that might help someone else or maybe not maybe nobody will even read my blog but ig it’s a chance I’m going to take