My mind

I’m in a big funk today and I don’t know how well I’m going to take today... I just want to be able to make today be okay just so I can get through my day at work and go home and take care of my kids but no matter how hard I try right now my head keeps going back to all those horrible memories I wish I could forget I wish I would of never been born most of the time so I wouldn’t have to go through all the crap I’ve been through or even born into a different family to where they actually stuck up for me and defended me when I need it I know I strong and independent most of the time but still having someone there that actually cares would be great 

Today I’m feeling so lost. I just want to stay home I don’t even want to be here at work. Last night my mom called me and was telling me my brother wanted to see me and wanted to talk to me and that we were siblings and we needed to act like it. Like seriously he should of acted like it when we were growing up and he was being a douche bag to me and before he decided to stick his nasty ass hands down my pants!! He should of thought about that every time he would barge in when I was taking a shower. So seriously why in the hell would I want to even Want to see him let alone talk to him?? Granted my mom doesn’t know but still I don’t want anything to do with him

I’ve been in and out of my sleep all night crying and  trying to process everything. I’m not crying like hard like balling my eyes out it’s like a silent cry ig you can say. I’ve cried so much that my head hurts and I can’t seem to stay asleep. I just want to be okay. I know yesterday was a big step but man I feel like I’m starting all over from the beginning. Like I’m having to find different ways to heal which I’m okay with. I want to be able to heal the right way this time and not want to cut or pop pills or whatever stupid thing I decide to do at he time. I want to be able to live my life and nothing seem to bother me. I want to actually be as strong as I portray myself to be. Everyone seems to tell me I’m strong but as soon as I get home I’m a complete mess. I can keep my shit together in public but at home everything seems to disappear. I just want to sleep for longer then an hr and get some rest. I feel so unglued and I’m flying myself back together slowly and with with better glue this time. 

Today’s session went a pretty good. It was way better then what I kept anticipating it to be. I got majority of it my story out and I didn’t cry and I didn’t have a complete melt down in front of her which I’m very glad I didn’t but now it’s all starting to hit me at once. I feel so alone and so disconnected from the world I just wanna lay on my coach and cry and I hate it so bad. I hate it cause my husband just want to cheer up and it doesn’t just happen like that I’ve had a very stressful and overwhelming day and I don’t wanna deal with anything 

I remember meeting the detectives that investigated my case. I was just a kid in the 7th grade trying to make it through jr high and now I had to deal with going to court and talking to strangers. I can’t remember there names but I remember the guy was so tall and built and he made me feel like nothing or nobody could ever hurt me while he was around. I can remember how when we first got to the police station and I went into there office they gave me a bear and started asking me questions about the days. I remember my middle brother being there and just sitting there while I was telling them what happened. I never really told them much in detail they just kinda ran with it. After I told them that one time they got a warrant for his arrest made. I can still remember coming home from school one day and they had ransacked my room and took a whole bunch of y journals (which I never gotten back) I was so devastated because they were all I had that kept me sane and from doing stupid things. One day my mom tells me to get up and get dressed and that I wasn’t going to school and I never asked why I just told her okay. It turned out we had went to talk to my lawyer. He had my journals and had went though them asking me all these questions about what I had wrote. I felt like my life had been dissected into little pieces and I had no more secrets and that I couldn’t hide anything else because he had all he needed. I can remember a little while after that my mom took me to this building and a whole different town and said I was going to the doctor. Turned out patty( the doctor) ended up doing an examine I can’t remember what it’s called cause it was after a year so I don’t know if it’s still considered a rape examine or something else. Now that I’m older it actually similar to getting a papsmear they both used some of the same tools ( btw I absoulutly hate papsmears) I remember laying on the table with my legs open wide and her asking me if I’ve ever been sexually active. Like seriously at that time sex was the last thing on my mind let alone letting some random women I’ve never met exploring my vaginal area for whatever she was looking for. Afterwards she had me sit in What looked like a big confrence room and it was kinda dark while I waited for her to talk to my mom about whatever she had found. A week later maybe longer I remember missing school again and we go to another weird building and this place a lady gave me a pamphlet and told me to take my time and fill it out so I did then she gives me another one to take home and finish and then mail it back to her. Turned out it was a physic evaluation to see if I was able to stand trail or not. I remember when court finally came around it was the pretrail first. I remember walking into the court room and going to to this little waiting area and seeing his mom and sister there and all they did was make fun of me and talk crap to me and about me. I had took along a teddy bear that I’ve had since I was like 5 years old and come to find out they made such a big deal about me having it I couldn’t even take it with me I had to leave it in the room. During the pretrail all I had to do was point to my abuser and let them know I knew the difference between rape and molestation. So that was over with finally and then we had the big trail. I don’t remember much of it all I really remember was the judge claiming a miss trail because he had failed a lie detector test (which he asked for) and switched lawyers in the middle of the whole thing. So since it was a miss trail they asked if I wanted to try again. At that moment all I could think of was his smirking face he gave me when I got on the stand and how he turned to his lawyer and started laughing. At that moment I knew I wanted him to go down I knew I wanted him to suffer as much as I had. So I decided to keep fighting. At the next trail this Time the big y’all male detective stood right in front of me but across the court room so I felt a lot safer. I told them what had happened and yes I knew what the differences were and I didn’t let anything stop me.that trail ended up being 2 days long and the second day I was so exhausted I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t understand why it was taking so long. I felt as if they didn’t believe anything I had said. Now that I’m older and actually went through all the court files it turned out they were also trying to convict him of incest and indecency of a minor so something to that affect but nothing stuck but the R charge. Even though those days were one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do I would t change anything about them. I stood my ground and I defended myself when nobody else could or would. 

Theres so much more i want to put but I don’t even know how to continue from here 

I’m very nervous about my session tomorrow I’m finally going to finish my telling my story out loud for the first time ever I’ve instructed her to push me so I won’t just sit there in quiet and not say anything or even change the topic I’m ready for it but then I don’t want to do it 

I feel so lonely 

I feel unwanted

i feel lost 

I feel like I’m a burden to people

I feel like if I disappeared nobody would care

I feel so depressed

i feel like cutting 

i feel like I just need to sleep 

I feel like I want to run away

i feel so left out

i have all these feelings but it seems like I can’t feel any of these emotions if that makes any since 

I feel kinda relieved today me and my husband managed not to fight today or yesterday and we been at home all day together it feels good not to have an arguement with him it’s nocenjust to have a piece of mind and have him actually helping me out with our 2 kids I finally feel like we’re a family again he asked me if I was okay today and I told him I was alright surprisingly he didn’t hound me about talking about what was wrong and he just kinda let me be i think he’s finally understanding all the stress I’m actually under and all the stress I’m actually dealing with even yesterday I was having a few triggers during the day and he asked for a hug and I couldn’t managed to hug him and I told him no he asked why I told him I felt so disconnected with everything and he left it alone I even managed to tell him a little about the way I was feeling and it was nice cause he didn’t try and make things awkward like he normally does maybe he’s finally getting it I hope as my counseling continues he continues to understand and help me with my needs just to get through the day I must say things are looking like they are getting better I just hope it stays that way cause I really need his support 

I feel kinda relieved today me and my husband managed not to fight today or yesterday and we been at home all day together it feels good not to have an arguement with him it’s nocenjust to have a piece of mind and have him actually helping me out with our 2 kids I finally feel like we’re a family again he asked me if I was okay today and I told him I was alright surprisingly he didn’t hound me about talking about what was wrong and he just kinda let me be i think he’s finally understanding all the stress I’m actually under and all the stress I’m actually dealing with even yesterday I was having a few triggers during the day and he asked for a hug and I couldn’t managed to hug him and I told him no he asked why I told him I felt so disconnected with everything and he left it alone I even managed to tell him a little about the way I was feeling and it was nice cause he didn’t try and make things awkward like he normally does maybe he’s finally getting it I hope as my counseling continues he continues to understand and help me with my needs just to get through the day I must say things are looking like they are getting better I just hope it stays that way cause I really need his support 

I can’t stop thinking about my dad and all the horrible things he’s done I’m having a hard time just dealing with it today and I hate it I hate not being able to control my feelings I hate not being able to just be myself I feel depressed more then I feel happy it’s so hard going day to day and being okay I fake majority of my happiness I hate everything and I feel so alone 

So I have counseling tomorrow and I’m actually looking forward to think it. I never thought I would be excited to go talk about how fucked up my life is but I actually feel like maybe it is helping. I’m looking forward to talking about this past week and how crazy it’s been and how well I’ve done and managed no to cut even though there was plenty of opportunities to do so. I’m kinda skeptical about telling my story out loud. It’s qlot easier to write it down then it is to say it out loud. I actually really trust her and I hope it can stay that way. My husband ask if he could go with me and i told him no. I hope he doesn’t feel like I’m rejecting him or something I’m just not ready for that. I know tomorrow’s gonna be a really rough session but I’m ready for that.I think I have prepared myself for it as much as I can for it I just hope I don’t shut down in the middle of it and not wanna talk about it anymore. I hate when I start to shut down, I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything. I’m just gonna need some sitters cause I know afterwards I’m gonna be a complete mess!

#fingerscrossed

#wishmeluck

#huggs

I ended up having a horrible night!! Me and my husband got into a fight and I told him I wanted to leave. He wants to blame it on the fact that I’m having a hard time dealing with my triggers and everything emotionally and it’s not just that. It pisses me off that he uses the fact that I struggle everyday to get out of bed because I’m afraid of what might happen as an excuse for him to be dismissive towards me and it makes me so mad that he does that!! The fact that I’m going through stuff doesn’t mean he has the right to blame it on me and What I’m dealing with. I’m trying to make learn how to deal with everything that’s now going on in my life with all the recovering memories. He’s read my journals so he knows what I going through at least he just doesn’t understand how much pain I’m in and he thinks that I need to go get medical help but I don’t! I hate this feeling I hate the fights I hate it all!!

I hadn’t wanted to be home all day. I don’t want to be alone I don’t want to be alone I won’t really be alone I’ll have my kids but its still not the same. I feel so crappy I’m scared if I’m at home I might do something stupid and I’m trying not to do that. There’s so much I need to get done but I don’t want to be alone. It would even be ok if someone would just talk to me on the phone while I do everything I just hate it!!!

I’m having such a crappy day today. All I want to do is cuddle with my husband. All he wants to do is talk about what’s wrong. I don’t want to talk about what’s wrong. I just want to lay in bed on his chest it makes me feel safe and warm. I just want to feel like everything for once is okay and nothing else in the world matters!! I wish this day could just end already!!!! I keep having stupid flash backs and I keep getting yelled at ughh!! I just want to cry

Today’s session went really well. This time I went in prepared. I had made up my mind that I was going to talk about some of the hard stuff. So this morning when I woke up I made a list of all the things I wanted to talk about. I gave her the list and let her pick what ever order she wanted. I felt like it was way more progress then we would of with out the list. I felt like I finally opened up more to her and I’m glad i did. I’m ready to heal and move forward. We actually got to start talking about my Csa. And I finally start vocalizing my story for the first time ever. I’ve writren it out and posted about it but I never actually said my story out loud. Saying it out loud is a lot tougher and I realized some things I never realized before. It was all kind of over whelming and I couldn’t stop shaking I don’t know if it was because I was couldn’t of becaus I was so upset. I’ve been wanting to cry all day but i haven’t been able to. 

Sometimes I just want to cut. I feel numb all the time like I have no real emotions if that makes sense. I’ve even had really rough sex (I usually like it) but I didn’t feel anything It didn’t even feel like we were doing anything. So I just cut it’s like it’s the only thing I ever feel anymore. So when i feel numb or just blah I just cut. I know it’s not a solution but it’s the only thing that I seem to actually feel and I don’t cut because I want to die or anything just so I can feel. I don’t know if it makes sense or not but that’s what I feel.

O feel so tired and so overwhelmed like I don’t know what to do anymore I know I’ve said it before but this feeling keeps getting stronger and stronger and every day gets harder and harder my mom keeps calling and messaging me and she keeps saying sorry. To be honest FUCK her appoligy I don’t want her to appoligize!! I’m so tired of everyone saying how all these people need me! FUCK MAN WHAT ABOUT ME!! What about what I need. To be honest I don’t even know what I need. I feel like I’m falling off a very y’all Clift but falling so slowly so I can feel all these stupid emotions and it sucks really bad. I’m tired of fighting I’m tired of always being the strong person I’m tired of having to take care of everyone else cause at the end of the day who is gonna take care of me?? NOBODY!!! I’ll still be in the same boat but just forced to take every minute of my life. I know I’m in a really rough patch right now and what I want to happen isn’t going to happen its just a figment of my imagination. It’s just gonna cause more problems then what I have already created. I hate so many people. I hate myself for feeling so afraid all the time!! It’s FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!! 

I talked to my middle brother today and he started talking about my oldest brother that Sa me and he kept taking his side and kept talking about he’s his protector and how he’ll always be here for him no matter what and I just stayed on the phone and didn’t say anything I wish that I could of just told him what happened and maybe he would take my side and maybe he would actually protect me sometimes I get so mad because I always wanted my middle brother to be there for me and even when my dad R me all I wanted was for him to be there for me and he wasn’t but it’s not like I can really get mad at him because I never told him I wanted him there I just kinda wanted him to be like hey I’m here for you but maybe one day I’ll tell him or maybe not I’m having such a bad night I don’t know what to do anymore I just want to start cutting and hope I start feeling something instead of feeling numb all the time and it sucks because I want to go talk to my counselor but she’s out of town right now till Monday and she said can call her but I don’t want to bother her maybe I can make it till Monday and then I get to have another session ugh I just want to scream!!🤯😭

I feel kind of disconnected from everything and everyone I feel so numb like I have no feelings at all I just feel so tired so empty I just want to feel like I belong somewhere i just don’t wanna feel like I need to hide all these secrets anymore and I have tons of secrets and they’re all eating me alive 

I can’t stand all the memories that are coming back and all the triggers I’m having it sucks so bad I hate how angry I am I can feel myself taking it out on everyone but it’s not there fault I had a chance to talk to my counselor about it but I was to afraid to say it out loud. I know I’ve only had 3 sessions so far but I really like her and I wish I could just come out and tell her everything that’s running in my head but it’s so hard I did trust someone before and they betrayed me and maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me to open up to her. I hate that I’m paying her to listen to my problems and to fix me but paying her isn’t even such a big deal I don’t even care about it but I feel like I’m wasting her time but not really opening up. I know that I should just kinda open my mouth and let everything flow out but it’s like i have a funnel in my mouth and only certain things will come out I just want to be an open book with her if she would just ask I could tell her I don’t mind answering questions no matter how personal they are I just can’t come out and say it. Maybe for the next session I can write everything down I want to talk about and give her the list and we can go down the list? Idk I just hate feeling this way and I hate being so angry all the time.

Today I went to counseling and I realized how much hate I have towards some people I realized that the people I thought cared about me really doesn’t I just want them to care about me and I hate it cause I have such a grudge towards my mom and I just really don’t want to talk to her anymore I’m so tired of wanting people to love me and to care and they are the ones that don’t care about the way I feel I hate that I’m in such a bad place and that I keep trying to push my husband away it’s definetly time for some change and hopefully it will definetly be for the better I’m just so ready to be okay now I’m just ready to move forward my counselor set up a goal to find me a new normal and not the same normal that I was resulting in before but a new and better normal and I’m looking forward to it now I’m ready to change and to be okay I just wish it was so hard for me to tell my story to her it’s so easy to write or type it all down but when it comes to talking it’s so much harder I just start to feel anxious but I really want to just don’t know how to do so hopefully next session will be much better 

I figured if I kept telling myself I was okay then maybe I would be okay but i guess it doesn’t work that way I’m feel so fragil and so vulnerable and so angry I’m so mad at myself and everyone else I can’t seem to deal anymore I just want it all to be over with all ready 

So apparently I have a face that I make when I start having one of my “moments” where I just kinda start freaking out inside. I never knew I had one tell it was pointed out to me. Now I feel like I have to be more aware so I can try to hid it even more. 

so this morning it was really foggy and you couldn't even see the next stop sign a block away from you. As I was driving to drop my kids off I felt a pressure in my chest AMD fear just came over me and all of a sudden I was so scared and so paranoid I didn't know what to do. I was on a highway so I couldn't just pull over so I made it to drop my kids off. But I was so scared to get out of my car I kept thinking someone as going to run up on is and R me while my kids stood there and cried. I finally managed to get my kids out of the car and dropped off but when I left I practically ran as fast as I could to my car and then at work I've been a little paranoid. Now I'm really starting to think its time for counseling but I just don't know how to go about it. I'm just confused and don't know what to do now.

so I finally decided that I wanted to go see my dad in jail after the fact that he R me. I printed out the application to submit to be able to visit him. now I just have to mail it off. I'm not sure if I want to sill send it off or not but I did fill out the papers. I swear I feel like they want to know everything about you. I think they even do a background check to before your approved. I don't know how I feel about going through all this bs just to go visit the man that ruined my life in more then one way. I'm hoping that it will be healing in some sort o way or maybe itll mess up my head even more then what it already is. but ig there is only one way to find out and it is to go see him and see what happens.