My mind

 I’m known for doing some really crappy stuff and I just admit I do t mean to hurt people!! I swear sometimes I try to turn my emotions off and it doesn’t work that well. I try to hide and forget and even try to cover up all the pain and hurt I feel but it doesn’t always seem to work. I try to make the best of things and some times I make things even worse. I put my foot in my mouth often and I can’t take anything back. I try to run and hide and keep everything inside. I try to act like I’m alright. I try to act like nothing bothers me and that I’m strong!! And it all turns out that I’m not!! 

Today has been a long rough day all together I feel like if it wasn’t one thing it’s another!!! I had counseling today and I decided I was gonna write a letter to my abuser and send it off... I hate the unknown of not knowing if he’s gonna open it or the unknown is what drives me even crazier. I’m the type that constantly has to be in control and when I’m not I get anxious and stressed out and depressed and I don’t know how to handle it!! I hate feeling this way!!! Now I’m stuck have stupid Father’s Day dinner with all the in laws and every time we have dinner I end up at the end by myself on my phone (like now) playing games or just keeping myself occupied... it makes me feel so alone and unwanted but this is what I married into I love him to much to let this mess up our marriage. Dot get me wrong he try’s to talk to me a little bit but I get so depressed I just don’t want to talk to anyone!!! I hate it I hate today I hate everything I just feel like cutting crying and sleeping!! 

so today’s my 23 birthday and instead of enjoying it and embracing the fact I’ve lived another year I’m depressed and crying!!! I keep thinking I’m going to go check the mail and imma have a card and a dream catcher in there from my dad. But I know that’s not gonna happen not after what he’s done. I remember growing up every year he would make me one and send it to me with a card. I know it wasn’t much but it’s the thought that count. He was still in jail and managed to do something special for me. Now I feel like I’m such a horrible person for standing up for myself and taking away someone that seemed to care about me.  I just wish I could talk to him and hear his voice I don’t want to have a conversation just hear him hear his voice. I feel so freakin pathetic like why do I care so much today? Why am I so emotional? Why do I even bother giving it a second thought? He ruined me! Destroyed me! And I can’t help but to feel bad today!!!

happy fucking birthday to me!!! NOT!!!!!

So tonight I slept on the couch cause my husband and the kids were cuddling in our bed so peacefully and I was so tired I just wanted to sleep so I left them in there I chugged a beer before bed so I could actually relax and sleep( I know but it’s my choice of easy relaxation without having to try to hard) so I finally fall fast asleep and all of a sudden I’m dream about a friend from work and I hear a really loud clap like not in my dream but I’m real life and I jump and I completely freak out I look around and nobody’s up everyone is asleep and then I hear my daughters stupid toy going off in her room so I go turn that off and walk around to check everything and nobody is there so now I’m super paranoid and scared and now I keep having flash backs and I don’t want to lay back down so now I don’t know if I should chug another beer to go back to sleep or stay awake and not get any sleep and be super tired tomorrow at work 

So today for the first time in about 11 years I wore a swimsuit without any other clothes over it. Granted it was a one piece with a skirt bottom but I’m proud of my self. I didn’t feel overwhelmed or the need to put clothes on. Also there was only me and my kids and a few other people so it wasn’t really crowded. It was nice not feeling anxiety and feeling like I needed more clothes on to cover up. I had so much fun with my kids in the pool I can’t wait to do it all over again tomorrow. 

Today has been a sucky day. I woke up in he middle of the night to feed my son just to wake up to pink eye... like seriously pink eye? Now I can’t wear my contacts for a while to let my eye heal and my glasses still haven’t came in so I can’t drive, I can hardly see anything. Tomorrow I have counseling and I really don’t want to cancel it... but I can’t drive at all. I would be okay canceling it but I actually really need to talk to her. I mean I could ask my mom to take me and each my kids but she still doesn’t know I’m even going. So that would end up bringing up the reason why I’m going in the first place and part of it is because of her. I’m really not ready to have that conversation with her right now or anytime soon at all I just want to work it out on my own with out having to confront her about it.  I have no idea what to do. 

I’m having such a bad night I just wish it could be over with already!! I just wish I didnt have to feel this depression I’m feeling. Like I’m so down in a funk and I can’t get out. I hate not being able to talk to anyone about it. I know I can call someone but I don’t want to be a bother to them. I don’t want them to feel like I’m a burden or I’m pestering them about my stupid problems. I keep trying to push through all these feelings and I just end up finding myself sitting on the couch crying. I wish I could just shut off all my emotions and just act like everything is okay there’s no hurt there’s no pain there’s no depression there’s nothing. I hate that my mind keeps going back to all the abuse I’ve dealt with all the neglect all the physical abuse all the sexual abuse and rape and the running and the sleeping around and all the drugs and all the cutting and all the other stupid crap I’ve done and all the other stuff I’ve had to deal with. I feel overwhelmed like I can’t manage to eat I can’t manage to sleep I can hardly take care of my own kids. It’s getting bad tonight but I’m trying my best to push through it until both kids are sound asleep. I don’t want them to see me freak out or to see me sitting her pathetically crying on the couch. I don’t want them to see how unstable I truly am. It’s so hard to deal with the unpleasant presence I feel like someone is standing here watching fail watching me be weak and just laughing at me. I feel like I have to be strong for the sake of me. But why can’t someone else be strong for me? Why do I always have to be strong for me and everyone around me?? Why can’t I just have flaws for once? Why can’t I just be the irresponsible person I want to be sometimes? Why can’t I have a break? Why can’t I just be a happy normal 22 year old girl who hangs out with friends and who isn’t paranoind about leaving home or even paranoid just to walk to her car? I guess these are all questions I will never get an answer to. This is the moment I’ve been dreading for a while now. This is the moment I have to gain some balls and finally talk about it. 

Do you ever feel like you just wish nothing ever happened that your assault never happened or like you could just forget about and just live your life??

Today in counseling my counselor asked me how I would feel going every 2 weeks instead of every week. I kinda just wanted to get up and walk out and say fuck you but I know she didn’t mean it In a bad way but I feel like maybe she’s trying to push me away. I don’t want to change things up right now. I finally feel like we are making progress and I’m finally finding a way to be okay with things. She said I made really good progress but I don’t know about that. I can manage to manipulate my brain into thinking this are okay especially if I’m super busy at work or just doing something to keep my mind busy. I just don’t want to change up anything yet cause What of something happens and I have another break down and I cant manage to coup what am I suppose to do then? I finally got comfortable with her to be able to talk about anything and everything now and it doesn’t feel so awkward anymore it feels like I’m just talking to a friend or something but one that actually knows and understands what I’m going through. I feel like I’m overreacting and over thinking it but I can’t help it I don’t know what to do. I just can’t afford to deal with any change right now I’ve been dealing with enough change as is with out adding that to it. 

I’m in a big funk today and I don’t know how well I’m going to take today... I just want to be able to make today be okay just so I can get through my day at work and go home and take care of my kids but no matter how hard I try right now my head keeps going back to all those horrible memories I wish I could forget I wish I would of never been born most of the time so I wouldn’t have to go through all the crap I’ve been through or even born into a different family to where they actually stuck up for me and defended me when I need it I know I strong and independent most of the time but still having someone there that actually cares would be great 

Today I’m feeling so lost. I just want to stay home I don’t even want to be here at work. Last night my mom called me and was telling me my brother wanted to see me and wanted to talk to me and that we were siblings and we needed to act like it. Like seriously he should of acted like it when we were growing up and he was being a douche bag to me and before he decided to stick his nasty ass hands down my pants!! He should of thought about that every time he would barge in when I was taking a shower. So seriously why in the hell would I want to even Want to see him let alone talk to him?? Granted my mom doesn’t know but still I don’t want anything to do with him

I’ve been in and out of my sleep all night crying and  trying to process everything. I’m not crying like hard like balling my eyes out it’s like a silent cry ig you can say. I’ve cried so much that my head hurts and I can’t seem to stay asleep. I just want to be okay. I know yesterday was a big step but man I feel like I’m starting all over from the beginning. Like I’m having to find different ways to heal which I’m okay with. I want to be able to heal the right way this time and not want to cut or pop pills or whatever stupid thing I decide to do at he time. I want to be able to live my life and nothing seem to bother me. I want to actually be as strong as I portray myself to be. Everyone seems to tell me I’m strong but as soon as I get home I’m a complete mess. I can keep my shit together in public but at home everything seems to disappear. I just want to sleep for longer then an hr and get some rest. I feel so unglued and I’m flying myself back together slowly and with with better glue this time. 

Today’s session went a pretty good. It was way better then what I kept anticipating it to be. I got majority of it my story out and I didn’t cry and I didn’t have a complete melt down in front of her which I’m very glad I didn’t but now it’s all starting to hit me at once. I feel so alone and so disconnected from the world I just wanna lay on my coach and cry and I hate it so bad. I hate it cause my husband just want to cheer up and it doesn’t just happen like that I’ve had a very stressful and overwhelming day and I don’t wanna deal with anything 

I remember meeting the detectives that investigated my case. I was just a kid in the 7th grade trying to make it through jr high and now I had to deal with going to court and talking to strangers. I can’t remember there names but I remember the guy was so tall and built and he made me feel like nothing or nobody could ever hurt me while he was around. I can remember how when we first got to the police station and I went into there office they gave me a bear and started asking me questions about the days. I remember my middle brother being there and just sitting there while I was telling them what happened. I never really told them much in detail they just kinda ran with it. After I told them that one time they got a warrant for his arrest made. I can still remember coming home from school one day and they had ransacked my room and took a whole bunch of y journals (which I never gotten back) I was so devastated because they were all I had that kept me sane and from doing stupid things. One day my mom tells me to get up and get dressed and that I wasn’t going to school and I never asked why I just told her okay. It turned out we had went to talk to my lawyer. He had my journals and had went though them asking me all these questions about what I had wrote. I felt like my life had been dissected into little pieces and I had no more secrets and that I couldn’t hide anything else because he had all he needed. I can remember a little while after that my mom took me to this building and a whole different town and said I was going to the doctor. Turned out patty( the doctor) ended up doing an examine I can’t remember what it’s called cause it was after a year so I don’t know if it’s still considered a rape examine or something else. Now that I’m older it actually similar to getting a papsmear they both used some of the same tools ( btw I absoulutly hate papsmears) I remember laying on the table with my legs open wide and her asking me if I’ve ever been sexually active. Like seriously at that time sex was the last thing on my mind let alone letting some random women I’ve never met exploring my vaginal area for whatever she was looking for. Afterwards she had me sit in What looked like a big confrence room and it was kinda dark while I waited for her to talk to my mom about whatever she had found. A week later maybe longer I remember missing school again and we go to another weird building and this place a lady gave me a pamphlet and told me to take my time and fill it out so I did then she gives me another one to take home and finish and then mail it back to her. Turned out it was a physic evaluation to see if I was able to stand trail or not. I remember when court finally came around it was the pretrail first. I remember walking into the court room and going to to this little waiting area and seeing his mom and sister there and all they did was make fun of me and talk crap to me and about me. I had took along a teddy bear that I’ve had since I was like 5 years old and come to find out they made such a big deal about me having it I couldn’t even take it with me I had to leave it in the room. During the pretrail all I had to do was point to my abuser and let them know I knew the difference between rape and molestation. So that was over with finally and then we had the big trail. I don’t remember much of it all I really remember was the judge claiming a miss trail because he had failed a lie detector test (which he asked for) and switched lawyers in the middle of the whole thing. So since it was a miss trail they asked if I wanted to try again. At that moment all I could think of was his smirking face he gave me when I got on the stand and how he turned to his lawyer and started laughing. At that moment I knew I wanted him to go down I knew I wanted him to suffer as much as I had. So I decided to keep fighting. At the next trail this Time the big y’all male detective stood right in front of me but across the court room so I felt a lot safer. I told them what had happened and yes I knew what the differences were and I didn’t let anything stop me.that trail ended up being 2 days long and the second day I was so exhausted I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t understand why it was taking so long. I felt as if they didn’t believe anything I had said. Now that I’m older and actually went through all the court files it turned out they were also trying to convict him of incest and indecency of a minor so something to that affect but nothing stuck but the R charge. Even though those days were one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do I would t change anything about them. I stood my ground and I defended myself when nobody else could or would. 

Theres so much more i want to put but I don’t even know how to continue from here 

I’m very nervous about my session tomorrow I’m finally going to finish my telling my story out loud for the first time ever I’ve instructed her to push me so I won’t just sit there in quiet and not say anything or even change the topic I’m ready for it but then I don’t want to do it 

I feel so lonely 

I feel unwanted

i feel lost 

I feel like I’m a burden to people

I feel like if I disappeared nobody would care

I feel so depressed

i feel like cutting 

i feel like I just need to sleep 

I feel like I want to run away

i feel so left out

i have all these feelings but it seems like I can’t feel any of these emotions if that makes any since 

I feel kinda relieved today me and my husband managed not to fight today or yesterday and we been at home all day together it feels good not to have an arguement with him it’s nocenjust to have a piece of mind and have him actually helping me out with our 2 kids I finally feel like we’re a family again he asked me if I was okay today and I told him I was alright surprisingly he didn’t hound me about talking about what was wrong and he just kinda let me be i think he’s finally understanding all the stress I’m actually under and all the stress I’m actually dealing with even yesterday I was having a few triggers during the day and he asked for a hug and I couldn’t managed to hug him and I told him no he asked why I told him I felt so disconnected with everything and he left it alone I even managed to tell him a little about the way I was feeling and it was nice cause he didn’t try and make things awkward like he normally does maybe he’s finally getting it I hope as my counseling continues he continues to understand and help me with my needs just to get through the day I must say things are looking like they are getting better I just hope it stays that way cause I really need his support 

I feel kinda relieved today me and my husband managed not to fight today or yesterday and we been at home all day together it feels good not to have an arguement with him it’s nocenjust to have a piece of mind and have him actually helping me out with our 2 kids I finally feel like we’re a family again he asked me if I was okay today and I told him I was alright surprisingly he didn’t hound me about talking about what was wrong and he just kinda let me be i think he’s finally understanding all the stress I’m actually under and all the stress I’m actually dealing with even yesterday I was having a few triggers during the day and he asked for a hug and I couldn’t managed to hug him and I told him no he asked why I told him I felt so disconnected with everything and he left it alone I even managed to tell him a little about the way I was feeling and it was nice cause he didn’t try and make things awkward like he normally does maybe he’s finally getting it I hope as my counseling continues he continues to understand and help me with my needs just to get through the day I must say things are looking like they are getting better I just hope it stays that way cause I really need his support 

I can’t stop thinking about my dad and all the horrible things he’s done I’m having a hard time just dealing with it today and I hate it I hate not being able to control my feelings I hate not being able to just be myself I feel depressed more then I feel happy it’s so hard going day to day and being okay I fake majority of my happiness I hate everything and I feel so alone 

So I have counseling tomorrow and I’m actually looking forward to think it. I never thought I would be excited to go talk about how fucked up my life is but I actually feel like maybe it is helping. I’m looking forward to talking about this past week and how crazy it’s been and how well I’ve done and managed no to cut even though there was plenty of opportunities to do so. I’m kinda skeptical about telling my story out loud. It’s qlot easier to write it down then it is to say it out loud. I actually really trust her and I hope it can stay that way. My husband ask if he could go with me and i told him no. I hope he doesn’t feel like I’m rejecting him or something I’m just not ready for that. I know tomorrow’s gonna be a really rough session but I’m ready for that.I think I have prepared myself for it as much as I can for it I just hope I don’t shut down in the middle of it and not wanna talk about it anymore. I hate when I start to shut down, I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything. I’m just gonna need some sitters cause I know afterwards I’m gonna be a complete mess!

#fingerscrossed

#wishmeluck

#huggs

I ended up having a horrible night!! Me and my husband got into a fight and I told him I wanted to leave. He wants to blame it on the fact that I’m having a hard time dealing with my triggers and everything emotionally and it’s not just that. It pisses me off that he uses the fact that I struggle everyday to get out of bed because I’m afraid of what might happen as an excuse for him to be dismissive towards me and it makes me so mad that he does that!! The fact that I’m going through stuff doesn’t mean he has the right to blame it on me and What I’m dealing with. I’m trying to make learn how to deal with everything that’s now going on in my life with all the recovering memories. He’s read my journals so he knows what I going through at least he just doesn’t understand how much pain I’m in and he thinks that I need to go get medical help but I don’t! I hate this feeling I hate the fights I hate it all!!

I hadn’t wanted to be home all day. I don’t want to be alone I don’t want to be alone I won’t really be alone I’ll have my kids but its still not the same. I feel so crappy I’m scared if I’m at home I might do something stupid and I’m trying not to do that. There’s so much I need to get done but I don’t want to be alone. It would even be ok if someone would just talk to me on the phone while I do everything I just hate it!!!

I’m having such a crappy day today. All I want to do is cuddle with my husband. All he wants to do is talk about what’s wrong. I don’t want to talk about what’s wrong. I just want to lay in bed on his chest it makes me feel safe and warm. I just want to feel like everything for once is okay and nothing else in the world matters!! I wish this day could just end already!!!! I keep having stupid flash backs and I keep getting yelled at ughh!! I just want to cry

Today’s session went really well. This time I went in prepared. I had made up my mind that I was going to talk about some of the hard stuff. So this morning when I woke up I made a list of all the things I wanted to talk about. I gave her the list and let her pick what ever order she wanted. I felt like it was way more progress then we would of with out the list. I felt like I finally opened up more to her and I’m glad i did. I’m ready to heal and move forward. We actually got to start talking about my Csa. And I finally start vocalizing my story for the first time ever. I’ve writren it out and posted about it but I never actually said my story out loud. Saying it out loud is a lot tougher and I realized some things I never realized before. It was all kind of over whelming and I couldn’t stop shaking I don’t know if it was because I was couldn’t of becaus I was so upset. I’ve been wanting to cry all day but i haven’t been able to. 

Sometimes I just want to cut. I feel numb all the time like I have no real emotions if that makes sense. I’ve even had really rough sex (I usually like it) but I didn’t feel anything It didn’t even feel like we were doing anything. So I just cut it’s like it’s the only thing I ever feel anymore. So when i feel numb or just blah I just cut. I know it’s not a solution but it’s the only thing that I seem to actually feel and I don’t cut because I want to die or anything just so I can feel. I don’t know if it makes sense or not but that’s what I feel.