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My mind

A blog by Survive95 in General

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About this blog

I wanted to have a place to put my thoughts for people who can relate with how I feel and understand what I’m going through 

Entries in this blog

Back again

I haven’t posted in a while and tonight I feel like I have no where else or any one else to turn to so I’m here I started cutting again and started to hate my self more and more every day every minute every second I’m terrified and scared and I hate myself and I want to kill myself and I just want to die I just want to it all to end I hate it I can’t sleep I’m scared I’m paranoid I’m not even sure how to end this but maybe with a question... what if you were asked” where are you gonna go li
Survive95

Survive95

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Depressed

I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting
Survive95

Survive95

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Random thoughts

I’m known for doing some really crappy stuff and I just admit I do t mean to hurt people!! I swear sometimes I try to turn my emotions off and it doesn’t work that well. I try to hide and forget and even try to cover up all the pain and hurt I feel but it doesn’t always seem to work. I try to make the best of things and some times I make things even worse. I put my foot in my mouth often and I can’t take anything back. I try to run and hide and keep everything inside. I try to act like I’m alrig
Survive95

Survive95

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Made a step forward but feel like I’m falling

Today has been a long rough day all together I feel like if it wasn’t one thing it’s another!!! I had counseling today and I decided I was gonna write a letter to my abuser and send it off... I hate the unknown of not knowing if he’s gonna open it or the unknown is what drives me even crazier. I’m the type that constantly has to be in control and when I’m not I get anxious and stressed out and depressed and I don’t know how to handle it!! I hate feeling this way!!! Now I’m stuck have stupid Fath
Survive95

Survive95

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23 today...oh well

so today’s my 23 birthday and instead of enjoying it and embracing the fact I’ve lived another year I’m depressed and crying!!! I keep thinking I’m going to go check the mail and imma have a card and a dream catcher in there from my dad. But I know that’s not gonna happen not after what he’s done. I remember growing up every year he would make me one and send it to me with a card. I know it wasn’t much but it’s the thought that count. He was still in jail and managed to do something special for
Survive95

Survive95

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Stupid sleep

So tonight I slept on the couch cause my husband and the kids were cuddling in our bed so peacefully and I was so tired I just wanted to sleep so I left them in there I chugged a beer before bed so I could actually relax and sleep( I know but it’s my choice of easy relaxation without having to try to hard) so I finally fall fast asleep and all of a sudden I’m dream about a friend from work and I hear a really loud clap like not in my dream but I’m real life and I jump and I completely freak out
Survive95

Survive95

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I feel like I made progress

So today for the first time in about 11 years I wore a swimsuit without any other clothes over it. Granted it was a one piece with a skirt bottom but I’m proud of my self. I didn’t feel overwhelmed or the need to put clothes on. Also there was only me and my kids and a few other people so it wasn’t really crowded. It was nice not feeling anxiety and feeling like I needed more clothes on to cover up. I had so much fun with my kids in the pool I can’t wait to do it all over again tomorrow. 
Survive95

Survive95

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Feeling a little lost and blind

Today has been a sucky day. I woke up in he middle of the night to feed my son just to wake up to pink eye... like seriously pink eye? Now I can’t wear my contacts for a while to let my eye heal and my glasses still haven’t came in so I can’t drive, I can hardly see anything. Tomorrow I have counseling and I really don’t want to cancel it... but I can’t drive at all. I would be okay canceling it but I actually really need to talk to her. I mean I could ask my mom to take me and each my kids but
Survive95

Survive95

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Feeling pathetic

I’m having such a bad night I just wish it could be over with already!! I just wish I didnt have to feel this depression I’m feeling. Like I’m so down in a funk and I can’t get out. I hate not being able to talk to anyone about it. I know I can call someone but I don’t want to be a bother to them. I don’t want them to feel like I’m a burden or I’m pestering them about my stupid problems. I keep trying to push through all these feelings and I just end up finding myself sitting on the couch crying
Survive95

Survive95

2

Have you ever??

Do you ever feel like you just wish nothing ever happened that your assault never happened or like you could just forget about and just live your life??
Survive95

Survive95

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Today’s session

Today in counseling my counselor asked me how I would feel going every 2 weeks instead of every week. I kinda just wanted to get up and walk out and say fuck you but I know she didn’t mean it In a bad way but I feel like maybe she’s trying to push me away. I don’t want to change things up right now. I finally feel like we are making progress and I’m finally finding a way to be okay with things. She said I made really good progress but I don’t know about that. I can manage to manipulate my brain
Survive95

Survive95

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...

I’m in a big funk today and I don’t know how well I’m going to take today... I just want to be able to make today be okay just so I can get through my day at work and go home and take care of my kids but no matter how hard I try right now my head keeps going back to all those horrible memories I wish I could forget I wish I would of never been born most of the time so I wouldn’t have to go through all the crap I’ve been through or even born into a different family to where they actually stuck up
Survive95

Survive95

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Ugh

Today I’m feeling so lost. I just want to stay home I don’t even want to be here at work. Last night my mom called me and was telling me my brother wanted to see me and wanted to talk to me and that we were siblings and we needed to act like it. Like seriously he should of acted like it when we were growing up and he was being a douche bag to me and before he decided to stick his nasty ass hands down my pants!! He should of thought about that every time he would barge in when I was taking a show
Survive95

Survive95

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Silent crying

I’ve been in and out of my sleep all night crying and  trying to process everything. I’m not crying like hard like balling my eyes out it’s like a silent cry ig you can say. I’ve cried so much that my head hurts and I can’t seem to stay asleep. I just want to be okay. I know yesterday was a big step but man I feel like I’m starting all over from the beginning. Like I’m having to find different ways to heal which I’m okay with. I want to be able to heal the right way this time and not want to cut
Survive95

Survive95

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It was all for nothing

Today’s session went a pretty good. It was way better then what I kept anticipating it to be. I got majority of it my story out and I didn’t cry and I didn’t have a complete melt down in front of her which I’m very glad I didn’t but now it’s all starting to hit me at once. I feel so alone and so disconnected from the world I just wanna lay on my coach and cry and I hate it so bad. I hate it cause my husband just want to cheer up and it doesn’t just happen like that I’ve had a very stressful and
Survive95

Survive95

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My court experience

I remember meeting the detectives that investigated my case. I was just a kid in the 7th grade trying to make it through jr high and now I had to deal with going to court and talking to strangers. I can’t remember there names but I remember the guy was so tall and built and he made me feel like nothing or nobody could ever hurt me while he was around. I can remember how when we first got to the police station and I went into there office they gave me a bear and started asking me questions about
Survive95

Survive95

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Nervous about tomorrow’s session

I’m very nervous about my session tomorrow I’m finally going to finish my telling my story out loud for the first time ever I’ve instructed her to push me so I won’t just sit there in quiet and not say anything or even change the topic I’m ready for it but then I don’t want to do it 
Survive95

Survive95

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I feel

I feel so lonely  I feel unwanted i feel lost  I feel like I’m a burden to people I feel like if I disappeared nobody would care I feel so depressed i feel like cutting  i feel like I just need to sleep  I feel like I want to run away i feel so left out i have all these feelings but it seems like I can’t feel any of these emotions if that makes any since 
Survive95

Survive95

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Last night

I feel kinda relieved today me and my husband managed not to fight today or yesterday and we been at home all day together it feels good not to have an arguement with him it’s nocenjust to have a piece of mind and have him actually helping me out with our 2 kids I finally feel like we’re a family again he asked me if I was okay today and I told him I was alright surprisingly he didn’t hound me about talking about what was wrong and he just kinda let me be i think he’s finally understanding all t
Survive95

Survive95

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Looks a little brighter

I feel kinda relieved today me and my husband managed not to fight today or yesterday and we been at home all day together it feels good not to have an arguement with him it’s nocenjust to have a piece of mind and have him actually helping me out with our 2 kids I finally feel like we’re a family again he asked me if I was okay today and I told him I was alright surprisingly he didn’t hound me about talking about what was wrong and he just kinda let me be i think he’s finally understanding all t
Survive95

Survive95

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In my head

I can’t stop thinking about my dad and all the horrible things he’s done I’m having a hard time just dealing with it today and I hate it I hate not being able to control my feelings I hate not being able to just be myself I feel depressed more then I feel happy it’s so hard going day to day and being okay I fake majority of my happiness I hate everything and I feel so alone 
Survive95

Survive95

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Tomorrow’s session

So I have counseling tomorrow and I’m actually looking forward to think it. I never thought I would be excited to go talk about how fucked up my life is but I actually feel like maybe it is helping. I’m looking forward to talking about this past week and how crazy it’s been and how well I’ve done and managed no to cut even though there was plenty of opportunities to do so. I’m kinda skeptical about telling my story out loud. It’s qlot easier to write it down then it is to say it out loud. I actu
Survive95

Survive95

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Everything’s falling apart

I ended up having a horrible night!! Me and my husband got into a fight and I told him I wanted to leave. He wants to blame it on the fact that I’m having a hard time dealing with my triggers and everything emotionally and it’s not just that. It pisses me off that he uses the fact that I struggle everyday to get out of bed because I’m afraid of what might happen as an excuse for him to be dismissive towards me and it makes me so mad that he does that!! The fact that I’m going through stuff doesn
Survive95

Survive95

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Don’t wanna be alone

I hadn’t wanted to be home all day. I don’t want to be alone I don’t want to be alone I won’t really be alone I’ll have my kids but its still not the same. I feel so crappy I’m scared if I’m at home I might do something stupid and I’m trying not to do that. There’s so much I need to get done but I don’t want to be alone. It would even be ok if someone would just talk to me on the phone while I do everything I just hate it!!!
Survive95

Survive95

6

Having a crappy day

I’m having such a crappy day today. All I want to do is cuddle with my husband. All he wants to do is talk about what’s wrong. I don’t want to talk about what’s wrong. I just want to lay in bed on his chest it makes me feel safe and warm. I just want to feel like everything for once is okay and nothing else in the world matters!! I wish this day could just end already!!!! I keep having stupid flash backs and I keep getting yelled at ughh!! I just want to cry
Survive95

Survive95

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