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Trapped in myself

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I hate PMDD. Throwing PTSD and PMDD together is such hell. The curse of being female. Not safe anywhere, even our own bodies fight against us. 

Almost the weekend. I have barely slept for a week. I feel disassociated from myself. My hormone levels are at the point where being inside this body is unbearable physically and emotionally. I feel like everything is falling apart. My brain tells me my marriage is falling apart. I don't know. I am not in a mental state where I can see anything clearly. Everything is masked by smokes and mirrors. What is real and what is imagined? 

Got an appt with a GI specialist but not until June. My therapist wants me to focus on fixing my hormones and anxiety. Since I can't take meds... She has suggested estrogen cream and she and my husband wants me to try Cbd oil. I guess I could try. I just hate spending money on myself. I don't know whether to go see my obgyn again or just wait and see what the gi Dr says. 

2 or 3 weeks left of school. I can't wait to be done, but I can't focus right now. I need to concentrate to teach the kids. So, we've not done much this week. They'll do much better going to school next year. 

I feel so useless right now. This isn't me. I wanna rip whatever parts of me make me feel like this out. 

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