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I don't understand what is happening. All these emotions. All at once. I can't breathe. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to die. I can't even express it. So much going through my head. I start crying at nothing. I don't mean little things, I mean NOTHING. My mom hands the phone to me: I start crying. I look in the bathroom mirror: I start bawling. Fell asleep when I got home. Another nightmare. Futuristic stuff. He was a "bad guy" but I loved him. I tricked him into killing himself. Told
Being that I was homeschooled all my life, college has really been a new experience. Over the past 5 semesters I've learned that college doesn't just teach you things about certain subjects, it teaches you about yourself. Introduction to Psychology was a HUGE eye opener. My teacher had a way of figuring out that one thing you're keeping hidden and working it to the surface and helping you cope with it. There were about 25 people in that class, and he knew everyone of us better than we knew ourse
It's been a while since I've posted anything on AS. I have logged on several times, but as soon as I tried to read a post, I'd trigger. Everything has been so crazy lately. Anxiety attacks, blood boiling anger, breakdowns, plenty of crying and general drama. The past has been beating at my brain a lot too, which makes everything so much worse. Long story short, I got out my old cell phones and was going through text messages. I shouldn't have done it, but I did. At first it was simple texts from
Lots on my mind tonight, thought this would be the perfect time to start this blog. Can't sleep due to nightmares. Last night's makes me not even want to close my eyes tonight. This boy, that I really don't know what to call... I suppose he's my boyfriend? (It's extremely complicated and I'll spare you the details.) He says he loves me, but I beg to differ because in my eyes he doesn't even know me... or at least the "real" me, because I don't even know her. I don't think I have feelings for him
I still have the house to myself for a little while longer and I'm dreading my mother's return. I was really hoping to be further along with my house hunting than I am. CS has been coming over A LOT. I like the company but he's starting to drive me insane. This afternoon was okay though, but that's because he was inside watching a movie while I was outside shoveling snow and doing chores. As soon as I came inside he was at it again. Little stupid things. Making dumb jokes and not taking anythin
In the last few months I feel like I have aged years. Growing up I did not have a perfect family, but until I was about 12 it seemed like it. My parents weren't really supportive of my choices when it came to anything, but they were always there and always loved me. My mom has a very strong family value, even when the family is feuding she claims them and loves them. As I've gotten older though I've realized that her side of the family is, her family. Not mine. Hers. It's almost as though I'm no
I was planning on returning to AS and being more active, but I'm not sure I will have enough spare time. We will have to wait and see. So my BIG news is that I am going to have a baby! While I am really happy and excited, I am also scared. I am 12 weeks and have been off my anxiety medicine for about 8 of those. I haven't found a replacement for my medicine yet, I've just been suffering through it. Withdraws from Lexapro are HORRIBLE... "brain zaps" and dizzy spells were worse than the "morning"
I haven't been on here in ages and I just wanted to make a quick post while I'm stable enough. I want so bad to visit AS everyday and reconnect with you all, but everything is a trigger and I can't. I'm sorry for that. I am at a horrible place right now. I really thought once I got back on my medication (lexapro for anxiety) that I would get back to my "as close to normal as I can be." But that hasn't been the case. Suicide is a constant thought I want it and actually expect it, self harm/Injury
((*Pre-Warning! I do NOT tell my story in this entry, I talk about telling my story to someone else, so, no worries!*)) So, I live with my mother and she's gone away for training for work....for the next 8 weeks. The original plan was that she got to come home every weekend, but that has now changed. She called tonight and said she can't come home this weekend.. or next... and she's not sure from there on. There are so many reasons why I hate being home alone. During the day and even early night
A happy post for once! I was so worried about being home alone for so long, and here it turned out to be the best few weeks I've had in a while! My friends have been by my side through the whole thing, never letting me suffer in the silence. I am also VERY thankful for those of you who sent thoughts/prayers and sat with me!! I still have to do this again in December, but I have so much more confidence and less anxiety about it. Tonight is such a dreadful night. The wind is blowing so hard the
