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TurtleWhisperer

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blog-0998857001383457183.jpgIt's been a while since I've posted anything on AS. I have logged on several times, but as soon as I tried to read a post, I'd trigger.

Everything has been so crazy lately. Anxiety attacks, blood boiling anger, breakdowns, plenty of crying and general drama. The past has been beating at my brain a lot too, which makes everything so much worse.

Long story short, I got out my old cell phones and was going through text messages. I shouldn't have done it, but I did. At first it was simple texts from friends that I have lost contact with, so it was more nostalgic than anything. Then there was two sets of messages that made me implode.

The first was the day of my best friend's death. They were from/to a mutual friend of ours. He asked how J (Best Friend) and the other boys in the wreck were, and I had to break the news to him. It seemed so surreal to type that, and it still feels surreal to read it now.

The second set was from him. My attacker. I had a vague memory of something on my phone from him, but I had no idea of these. They were sent after the attack, and started as him begging for me to text him back. (I don't think I replied, I may have deleted some of my texts to him, but since some still existed, I doubt that.) Then the tone changes, he's mad at me... wait.... he is mad at.. me?

I tried to read as much and as deeply (Understand, not just read) as possible. He was mad at me for "blowing him off" and "just using him as a toy." I said something about him not caring about me, and he'd never know how bad he hurt me. He said that he didn't want to tell me about her because then I wouldn't have "got" with him. And that's when a repressed memory was *unrepressed*....

We were driving back through town, after it all, he was taking me home. I remember him saying, "There's something I need to tell you." I looked up at him just as we were passing the bank. I can't remember his words exactly, but I know he told me that him and M were dating. I remember I started to cry again. I immediately thought about being in her position. She thinks she has a perfectly normal relationship with this man she loves, all the while he snuck out to R his ex-best friend. I cried for her. I cried for me. I cried wishing she knew about me.

In the texts he said that he broke it off with her temporarily before the carnival (I live in a town of 200 people, it's the biggest event of the year) just in hopes to get with me again. My heart sank. What if it had happened AGAIN that night?! That night was very eventful. He got into a fight with my friend MW. Though again I can't remember details. In the parking lot A held me while I screamed and confronted him for the first time since.

I'm getting off subject. My point is, after reading all this, it made me feel like he didn't know it was r****. It makes me question every memory I have of that night. What really happened? Does he know what he did? Or worse... do I know what he did?

Questioning if I was even r****d that night, makes me question everything about my life. I was already struggling with the "who am I?" but now... now it's so much worse...

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I think I can relate to some of your posting...my special friend after the "r" word announced to me that his exwife was considering a reconciliation...funny...I sat there in the restaurant not being able to eat...he even commented about that..oh, yeah, I was really hungry after that announcement...He went on to tell me that "I can't give this up yet"...I asked him to clarify- and he clarified that he couldn't give me up yet...so, I tried to still go out with him, knowing he had just "r" me, knowing he was seeing his ex...and then I could not stand it any longer...I broke it off/we broke it off, who cared at that point...and then I let him have it in the emails- that he had "r" me and he needed to clear it with his spiritual advisor before remarrying her. Well, that just set off the ugliness between both of us...and then I had a dream! In that dream I saw him being arrested- and at our ages, I knew this would be so awful and destructive for him. I guess all I wanted was an answer "why"? Why did he go against my will, why didn't he stop when I told him to, why did he brutally hold me down against my will? We exchanged hateful texts until after that dream- I knew God did not want us to hate each other...we needed to stop our threats- my threat to have him arrested and his threat of harassing him, or however he termed it...anyway, we are chatting at this point on a friendly basis...he claims he went to the Philippines- and only the Lord knows what took place there..I have met with him a couple of times...I know what his motive is! He wants me to take back the "r" word- but I cannot and will not. I did say to him in a text that if he wants, we can sit down in a public place where he can share is view of that event and I can share my view. But "r" is still "r"....anyway, for those text,you can forward them to your computer, keep a file, and not have to be faced with them or come across them accidentally. That is what I did...

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Thank you for reading and replying guessangelina. I applaud you for being able to even be around him. I get an anxiety attack when I even THINK I might see him. Him and M are still together to this day. He once said that I was the only girl she didn't like because I was the only one she had to worry about him leaving her for. I hear she still doesn't like me. I wonder if she knows what he did?

You don't have to answer if you don't want to of course, but I'd like to ask you a few things.

Aren't you afraid he might do it again?

How do you manage to have a "relationship" with him?

How do you not hate him??

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