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Feeling Overwhelmed



blog-0048640001391215552.jpgIn the last few months I feel like I have aged years.

Growing up I did not have a perfect family, but until I was about 12 it seemed like it. My parents weren't really supportive of my choices when it came to anything, but they were always there and always loved me. My mom has a very strong family value, even when the family is feuding she claims them and loves them. As I've gotten older though I've realized that her side of the family is, her family. Not mine. Hers. It's almost as though I'm not even part of the family that I was born into. Which hurts a lot. Not only does she treat me like an outsider, but so do my aunts. My grandmother varies, and thankfully my grandfather fully accepts me.

So with no support from my mother or her family, and my father's family being hours away, all I have is my dad. He does what he can, but being that we don't have a great relationship, I don't live with him, and he works a factory job 7 days a week + overtime, I can't ask for much from him.

My mother has decided since there is no sign or hope of me getting married anywhere in the near future, and we can't stand each other, it's time for me to leave. So with no support, no job, no credit, a pitiful savings, and a packed college schedule, I have to find myself a home. I know this isn't the hardest thing I've been through, but it's up there. To add insult to injury I live in the middle of no where. Rural is an exaggeration. We don't even have apartments. You either build a house, buy a house, or live in a trailer park. Trailers are decently priced, but I'd be better off living in a box under a bridge before I moved into such an unsafe environment as that. But with me having no credit and struggling to establish any, I probably can't even have a box.

I am honestly terrified, not of leaving "home," because frankly I hate this place anymore, but of doing all this without any help. I always expected to live on the lot next to my sister (and across from my mother) and build my house myself. I never thought I'd be this desperate and alone. No one can even give me advice. My friends are the only people I have, and all but one of them still live with their parents, so all they can do is cheer me on. I don't have an adult figure that I could learn from. I don't have a shelter of any kind in my area that I could go to and learn. I don't even have a professor at school that I would be comfortable asking questions to.

I just want help and options. Not this. I don't want any of this.


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