So, I live with my mother and she's gone away for training for work....for the next 8 weeks. The original plan was that she got to come home every weekend, but that has now changed. She called tonight and said she can't come home this weekend.. or next... and she's not sure from there on.
There are so many reasons why I hate being home alone. During the day and even early night, I do fine. But somewhere around 9 or 10, something changes and I can't do it.
I just Unrepressed.
He showed up a little after 9 and had me in the car by 9:45. Wow.
Ok, I'm calmed down a little bit from that...that's crazy.
So, Sunday night was the first night alone and I did horrible. Crying, bad bad thoughts, self-harm, so much picking that it hurts to pick up anything.
You can understand why I didn't even want to come home Monday night. But I couldn't leave my puppy to turn into a popsicle outside and starve my cats. My night class is with EB, and she afterwards she walked me to my car like always. She had been texting our mutual friend RM (Who has been in love with her since high school) and she was finally going to admit to him that she liked him. So we got in my car to stay warm and girl talked the evening away.
Around 10:30 we went into town to get a bite to eat, and then I drove her back to the school. We were having that "Oh! Before I go, I gotta tell you..." conversation and like everyone all the time, she brought up CS (Best friend and who I really really like, but he doesn't know it.)
I told her what I always do, "I can't do relationships" "It wouldn't work anyways" etc.
*He told me that morning that he was getting deployed and I was devastated, still am, can't talk about it*
But I realized that she didn't know that yet, so I told her and started crying. She asked me why do I always say that I can't do relationships. Something in me pushed me to tell her the truth.
I didn't tell my whole story, just basics... but it was enough that she can kinda get a grip on my situation.
It felt so weird talking to her like that. Me and EB aren't that close. My group at school, we're all best friends, but we have friendships inside friendships, if that makes sense. EB and my cousin AO are close, while me and KM are close. We realized that apart from car pooling for a 45 minute drive to the city 2 semesters ago, we'd never been alone together. EVER. and here I was telling her my story.
She shared some of her past too, which made me feel like she wasn't just being nosy, she genuinely wanted to get closer to me... and that makes me so happy.
It will be awkward tomorrow, seeing her again, and everything could still backfire right in my face, but I think it's worth the risk.
After that, I came home and screamed and bawled my eyes out (Everything I was holding in during our conversation, I didn't want to scare her off) That wore me out enough that I fell right to sleep, and slept all the way through the night!! Woo hoo!!
Tonight I'm pretty tired, and I only have to sleep until 6, so I hope I'll get a few hours in.
The other 8 weeks though? That's another story...