Can't sleep due to nightmares. Last night's makes me not even want to close my eyes tonight.
This boy, that I really don't know what to call... I suppose he's my boyfriend? (It's extremely complicated and I'll spare you the details.)
He says he loves me, but I beg to differ because in my eyes he doesn't even know me... or at least the "real" me, because I don't even know her. I don't think I have feelings for him, I used to, but now I'm not sure. I let him get close because he is screwed up too. Only problem is, he not the same kind of screwed up. When I tell him that I don't want him sticking around long enough to see the real monster that I am, he assumes I'm a thief, addict, killer, etc. and he's okay with that, because he is or was too.
He's a decent guy, he has a screwed up past but he's doing a great job of staying on track. He deserves a girl who can appreciate him and love him back. I'm not that girl. I will never be that girl. I don't have that ability.
I've tried so hard to tell him that I'm not what he needs, that I'm not what he thinks I am, but he can't understand. It's getting to the point that I'm just going to have to be mean about it, and I don't want to.
He doesn't deserve this. I hate getting close to people. We just both end up cold and alone.