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Just Another Ruined Relationship.



blog-0373921001381049176.jpgLots on my mind tonight, thought this would be the perfect time to start this blog.

Can't sleep due to nightmares. Last night's makes me not even want to close my eyes tonight.

This boy, that I really don't know what to call... I suppose he's my boyfriend? (It's extremely complicated and I'll spare you the details.)

He says he loves me, but I beg to differ because in my eyes he doesn't even know me... or at least the "real" me, because I don't even know her. I don't think I have feelings for him, I used to, but now I'm not sure. I let him get close because he is screwed up too. Only problem is, he not the same kind of screwed up. When I tell him that I don't want him sticking around long enough to see the real monster that I am, he assumes I'm a thief, addict, killer, etc. and he's okay with that, because he is or was too.

He's a decent guy, he has a screwed up past but he's doing a great job of staying on track. He deserves a girl who can appreciate him and love him back. I'm not that girl. I will never be that girl. I don't have that ability.

I've tried so hard to tell him that I'm not what he needs, that I'm not what he thinks I am, but he can't understand. It's getting to the point that I'm just going to have to be mean about it, and I don't want to.

He doesn't deserve this. I hate getting close to people. We just both end up cold and alone.



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I have been down that road many times and have lost many relationships as a direct result of feeling that I wasn't good enough. It can be truly frustrating, knowing how you feel, but afraid to express it, or even allow yourself to get close.

I broke up with my ex about 3 yrs ago and still regret it. I did everything in my power to make her not want to be with me anymore, thinking she deserved someone better than me.

I am going to agree with "iontrapcid".

Try to let it in.

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