I haven't been on here in ages and I just wanted to make a quick post while I'm stable enough. I want so bad to visit AS everyday and reconnect with you all, but everything is a trigger and I can't. I'm sorry for that.

I am at a horrible place right now. I really thought once I got back on my medication (lexapro for anxiety) that I would get back to my "as close to normal as I can be." But that hasn't been the case. Suicide is a constant thought I want it and actually expect it, self harm/Injury is at an all time high for me, and self hate has always been an issue but now I even hate my body, even the parts I used to like.

I graduate from college next week, however I will be returning to take a few extra classes over fall/spring 14-15. I am heading to Ohio shortly after graduation to spend the summer with my family.

The relationship problem is still rearing it's ugly head. I have made some progress with opening up to my "crush" CS, but there are ZERO signs of that working out.

I managed to tell another friend, I couldn't even use the "R" word, but at least she knows. ALSO! My one friend, EB, that I managed to tell *part of* my story to, has been EXTREMELY wonderful with asking if I'm ok and if I'm being triggered. It's amazing to have her around so much, she's like a guardian for me and I never feel alone or unsafe as long as she's there.

So that's pretty much it, I really hope I get back to AS eventually, I miss you all so much and I hope you're all doing okay. I will try to get on from time to time and at least check my notifications and messages.

Take care