I can't breathe.
I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I want to die.
I can't even express it.
So much going through my head.
I start crying at nothing. I don't mean little things, I mean NOTHING. My mom hands the phone to me: I start crying. I look in the bathroom mirror: I start bawling.
Fell asleep when I got home. Another nightmare.
He was a "bad guy" but I loved him.
I tricked him into killing himself.
Told him he would "respawn" like a video game, it was new technology.
I helped him shove my knife in his throat.
I screamed and cried once it was done.
I grabbed him hand and told him I was sorry and that I loved him, but it had to be done.
I could see his face, but I don't know who he was.
That part bothers me the most.
I woke up crying, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep and somehow bring him back to life.
What is wrong with me now?!
Maybe my medication isn't working anymore? (Lexapro for G.A.D.)
Maybe it's because I have been receiving so much positive attention lately.
Normally that just makes me really angry. Which would explain why I keep being hateful to my mother.
The girls and J say that C likes me. (yes, I'm an adult, but I still take relationships in a very middle school way.)
That makes me even more mad.
They know I like him. They know I've liked him since I was 7 and we played minor league together.
Now they think he likes me back.
How could he like me?
Sure, he's my best friend and knows a lot about me that others don't.
But on the other hand, there is a lot he doesn't know.
KM says I should give it try, "date" him and try being a good girl.
I was like that once.
I had a fiancé that I was madly in love with. He knew EVERYTHING about me. We were dating long distance when my trauma happened. He moved to my county just to protect me. Besides my trauma, he was my first. I trusted him more than I had ever trusted anyone in my life.
Until he lied.
Years of love, passion, planning, and trust.
His entire life prior to us meeting was a lie.
The man that I love?
So of course, like 99% of us, I have trust issues.
Now, I'm not saying C would hurt me like that.
Heck, he is as close to perfect as I've ever seen. (He doesn't smoke, drink, cuss. He's a virgin. Never even had his first kiss as far as we know.)
But I would hurt him.
Taking such a pure, innocent "boy" like that, and stick him with a troubled, broken, wh**e like me??
But they don't get it.
The girls and J can't understand what is so wrong with me.
They can't understand why I don't deserve to be happy.
Sure, I've hard enough pain to last me a lifetime (literally)
but I've also caused a lot of pain.
C needs someone as innocent as him.
I don't know who I need yet.
I'm starting to think no one.
I have someone as broken as me.
But he's not broken in the same way as me, and just as he can't understand my brokenness, I can't understand him.
If you read this, thank you. Funny how you start on one thing and end on a completely different one.