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vakry's Blog

A blog by vakry in General

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About this blog

Me, Myself, and the Voices in my Head

Entries in this blog

Train Wreck

I did it to myself. It is my fault. I am okay taking the responsibility. It does not harm me to do so. I own it. I don't put my sins on the devil I don't blame other people. I blame myself. I did it. I just have trouble un-doing it. It's my fault they are texting me. It's my fault I answer. It's my fault I've cheated with them. It's my fault I didn't cut ties. It's my fault I'm a bit of a w**re. Ya, I didn't just do it to do it. There was some manipulation here. I don't just give it up for free.
vakry

vakry

2

My Teal Trigger

The color trigger has been around for since I can remember. At first ... I got a memory of having a teal shirt as a little boy at a playground, but no context as to what significance the color is. People that wear bright teal shirts trigger me. Not too many people like this color so ... it has not happened often thankfully. I bought a rainbow wig with teal in it. that made me uncomfortable, but I was okay with that. I put teal in my signature for a while. I went from uncomfortable to perfectly o
vakry

vakry

1

I Hate Me Right Now

:blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: I drank. I smoked. I sucked a friend off, he returned the favor. I really appreciate that especially since he's straight. And now I have to wear long sleeves. I never had to wear long sleeves before other than weather. I defiled my arm with an ink pen. My friend watched me do this. he's a bit of a sociopath and hurting myself kind of tur
vakry

vakry

4

Embarrassing

:blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blus
vakry

vakry

3

I.am.not.suicidal.

Oh I've wanted to die. I still have moments I would rather be dead. But I can't take my life. I can't. And guess how I know I cannot kill myself. I wanted to. My dad had a loaded gun on top of the refrigerator. I knew the gun was there, but I didn't know it was loaded... until I wanted it. He was always locking up guns and making sure ammo was not stored in the same place. He had safes and cases and trigger locks. I never thought to check. One day I remembered it was there. I grabbed a chair and
vakry

vakry

2

Song

Lock eyes from across the room Down my drink while the rhythms boom Take your hand and skip the names No need here for the silly games Make our way through the smoke and crowd The club is the sky and I'm on your cloud Move in close as the lasers fly Our bodies touch and the angels cry Leave this place, go back to yours Our lips first touch outside your doors A whole night what we've got in store Whisper in my ear that you want some more It's a song. I didn't write it and it wou
vakry

vakry

3

Therapy

I've been poking around in the therapy part of the board. I remember my brief sessions in the past. You know what I think a best friend is all the therapy I need. I'm in a serious *%^% it mood. Don't worry I'm not suicidal. My family seems to worry. I don't know why. I don't say dark things around them. I mope around and want to cut a few branches off the family tree, but if you knew them you'd get it. I don't have a lot of family so cutting some branches is a serious thing. I'm more likely to c
vakry

vakry

2

I Wish I Were A Drunk.....

Tired of people mentioning my sleeping patterns. Days like this I want to regress so hard back into my habits. At least when I was a drunk I didn't give a shit what people said and when I was drunk no one tried to pawn off responsibilities on me or relied on me. I have an entire history of not being able to be relied on that. I kinda want to keep that reputation. Leave me the fuck alone!!! It's not my problem. It's not my obligation. No, I will not be guilted or conned into it. I will do it out
vakry

vakry

0

I Wanted To

tape it up shut the door lock it up keep it in real painful pill to swallow posion inside. weeping seeping locked in the night prisoned in sick thoughts I long since lost my fight....... I long since lost my fight
vakry

vakry

2

Wits End

How do people do it? I cannot ask the right question to save my life. Maybe because I don't like pointed questions.. so I don't ask any? Of course everyone else loves asking the right questions. Sometimes, yes, I need that one person... that when I say, "I'm fine." They look at me in the eye and call, "Bull." But there's been waaay too much of that lately. I'm reclusive. I barely go out. I've skipped school and such so I don't have to deal with more than I can. I'm expert at dodging people, kee
vakry

vakry

2

Poem

broken hearted betrayed questions never sated Pain never ceases desires never lost Contentment in misery rising verbal vomit splattered too far of a dark splotch staining the soul marked the number of days withering grace burning hate seething pain engorged mental strain
vakry

vakry

0

Get It Together

-trigger- profanity at very end. Bring it in. Lock it up. Bars and all. Chain in it. Hold it inside.... Please let's be my old self to-night.... He is there. Deep inside. trembling and scared. It's safe for now. It will hold. Check the deadbolts thirteen times. Come on James. Come and show. I need you.... Smile. Laugh. Joke. It's not fake. It is you. You're not a liar it is true. God... come on. You can do it. Get with it. vakry. valkerie. valhalla. strong and true this is you You've gone throug
vakry

vakry

0

I'm Incredibly Gay!

Haha! Yeah I know that's not a news flash. lol. But I was re-reading some things I posted and jeez... I burst in the flame! lol! That's got to be annoying. It's hilarious to me seeing that.
vakry

vakry

2

Stutter

My stuttering has gotten worse and noticeable. I even repeat words often in text so it's got to be a weird in my mind kind of thing and it's driving me crazy! I did it in class today during a presentation. I've NEVER struggled with presenting and there was less people in that class than ever.. it was just a handful of us. Most out sick.
vakry

vakry

0

I So Relate....

http://www.sisterclaire.com/index.php?id=280 Just this page. I know hard without content... but that's how I feel sometimes.. like I just don't belong... disturbing.. people say things I know they mean as compliments.. but it stings! IT STINGS!!!! It hurts so much http://www.sisterclaire.com/index.php?id=359 is how I really am inside.
vakry

vakry

0

The Partner

Love sucks. I know it's bad. I rather do meaningless relationships than be in love. It's easier. I knew before I got into it that I really shouldn't be in a relationship. It's just not something for me. I don't know how to make it work. I don't know how it's supposed to work. Does it even work? Most people I know are divorced more than once or unhappily in a relationship or just so much going on the relationship really is the least of the problems. I don't know what healthy is. The cards are sta
vakry

vakry

0
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