Oh I've wanted to die. I still have moments I would rather be dead. But I can't take my life. I can't. And guess how I know I cannot kill myself. I wanted to.
My dad had a loaded gun on top of the refrigerator. I knew the gun was there, but I didn't know it was loaded... until I wanted it. He was always locking up guns and making sure ammo was not stored in the same place. He had safes and cases and trigger locks. I never thought to check. One day I remembered it was there. I grabbed a chair and reached up for it. It was in a cloth case. I unzipped it and opened it. It's shiny silver. It's weight and chill of the metal in my hand. I brought it down. I extended my arm and pointed it at a mirror. That's when I saw... it was loaded! I opened her up and sure enough. Fully loaded. I started to put it to the side of my head, but I changed it. I put it in my mouth. I put a finger on the trigger. I squeezed gently and released. I gasped. I had no idea I was holding my breath until that moment. I stat there a good hour with a barrel in my mouth just crying. Eventually, I slowly pulled it out and carefully put it back where it belonged exactly how I found it. I repeated this exercise for two weeks with the exact same results. Insanity is repeating the same thing and expecting a different result.
D was a cutter and not a poser about about. He cut along the vein and then mutilate it until he lost consciousness. He very nearly died. Twice. So, I thought that might be interesting. One swift swipe. It barely scratched! I put some rage into it. It cut like a poser. Diagonal and across and it barely bled. It really didn't do anything for me. Yeah, I figured that wasn't going to work out for me.
My best friend hung himself. Why not honor him? Yeah, that wasn't happening either. I swung and found myself fighting it. I managed to right myself and yeah.....
Then I decided to take some pills and have some alcohol. I threw up pretty quick. And the thought of doing it again made me gag. I've never thrown up as hard as I had that night I swallowed pills. And you know I'm an alcoholic so... not a stranger to puking. It was so bad I couldn't swallow even one pill for YEARS after without activating a gag reflex. I couldn't even do chewable vitamins without wanting to gag. How messed up is that?
Sorry to be crass, but activating a gag reflex is rather a feat. I'm no stranger to deep throat. Oh yeah, there was no accident why I put a gun in my mouth. I thought it would be the most poetic way to die.
So yeah. My brain, my survival instincts and even my body rejects suicide. So I can't. No matter how bad I get.. I just cannot take that leap. So, lacking the ability.... I had to find other ways to deal.