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vakry's Blog

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Oh I've wanted to die. I still have moments I would rather be dead. But I can't take my life. I can't. And guess how I know I cannot kill myself. I wanted to.

My dad had a loaded gun on top of the refrigerator. I knew the gun was there, but I didn't know it was loaded... until I wanted it. He was always locking up guns and making sure ammo was not stored in the same place. He had safes and cases and trigger locks. I never thought to check. One day I remembered it was there. I grabbed a chair and reached up for it. It was in a cloth case. I unzipped it and opened it. It's shiny silver. It's weight and chill of the metal in my hand. I brought it down. I extended my arm and pointed it at a mirror. That's when I saw... it was loaded! I opened her up and sure enough. Fully loaded. I started to put it to the side of my head, but I changed it. I put it in my mouth. I put a finger on the trigger. I squeezed gently and released. I gasped. I had no idea I was holding my breath until that moment. I stat there a good hour with a barrel in my mouth just crying. Eventually, I slowly pulled it out and carefully put it back where it belonged exactly how I found it. I repeated this exercise for two weeks with the exact same results. Insanity is repeating the same thing and expecting a different result.

D was a cutter and not a poser about about. He cut along the vein and then mutilate it until he lost consciousness. He very nearly died. Twice. So, I thought that might be interesting. One swift swipe. It barely scratched! I put some rage into it. It cut like a poser. Diagonal and across and it barely bled. It really didn't do anything for me. Yeah, I figured that wasn't going to work out for me.

My best friend hung himself. Why not honor him? Yeah, that wasn't happening either. I swung and found myself fighting it. I managed to right myself and yeah.....

Then I decided to take some pills and have some alcohol. I threw up pretty quick. And the thought of doing it again made me gag. I've never thrown up as hard as I had that night I swallowed pills. And you know I'm an alcoholic so... not a stranger to puking. It was so bad I couldn't swallow even one pill for YEARS after without activating a gag reflex. I couldn't even do chewable vitamins without wanting to gag. How messed up is that?

Sorry to be crass, but activating a gag reflex is rather a feat. I'm no stranger to deep throat. Oh yeah, there was no accident why I put a gun in my mouth. I thought it would be the most poetic way to die.

So yeah. My brain, my survival instincts and even my body rejects suicide. So I can't. No matter how bad I get.. I just cannot take that leap. So, lacking the ability.... I had to find other ways to deal.


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Always sitting with you holding your hand. I understand those feelings. I have sat in the same chair as you and I also came out on the right end.

Gentle Care my friend

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J always remember that... To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

You are such a special friend to me. I am so glad to have met you and I can without a doubt replace the 'may be' in the quote above to an 'are'.

To this one person (Me) you most certainly are!

Thanks for making me feel special and always welcome here at AS.


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