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I Wish I Were A Drunk.....

vakry

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Tired of people mentioning my sleeping patterns. Days like this I want to regress so hard back into my habits. At least when I was a drunk I didn't give a shit what people said and when I was drunk no one tried to pawn off responsibilities on me or relied on me. I have an entire history of not being able to be relied on that. I kinda want to keep that reputation. Leave me the fuck alone!!! It's not my problem. It's not my obligation. No, I will not be guilted or conned into it. I will do it out of the kindness of my heart on my own in my own way and time not on your fucked up watch. You don't own me. I got a life. Might not be much of one but I do have one and that needs to be respected. I am not a fucking dog you can call at will. Now if you communicated like a proper decent human being and remember I have my own obligations we'll talk. Until then back the truck up and shut your hole.

I'm tired of now that I'm sober people act like I cannot function. yes, I struggle sometimes to even get out of bed, but I do function and at my worst 10x better than the assholes that treat me like I cannot. When I'm at my best I can do laps around lazy ass bit*h that treats me like I don't function. What I do in an hour takes her ALL day and she doesn't have an excuse! Same job same capability level. I can get it done in an hour. She's there all day. But the fact she's there all day makes it seem like she's doing more than I am. Bullshit. Looking busy and being busy are two completely separate things. I'm not going to shoot the breeze with people that nickpick my entire life. I'm not going to be pals with people that pick the ONE thing I'm actually good at and rip it apart. Ya.. look how fucking well her kids turned out. She has NO room to fucking talk to me about being a parent. NONE! I am ace when it comes to those kids and they aren't even biologically mine. It's a choice not an obligation. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. I WANT to be a parent. She never did and still doesn't even now that they are grown and thinks she knows a lot better than me. Fuck that. I'm twelve steps ahead of her in that department. I got it in the bag. Proof should be in the fact the bit*h herself compliments how well behaved they are. Who do you think does that? Where do you think they got that? Hmm... wasn't her. Yet some how I don't have it together. I have it more together as a drunk than she ever has had it sober. Haha!! That's how sad it is. And she's giving me advice. Thankfully she doesn't bring up my drinking. nothing to bring up. I've slipped a couple times but nothing more than a weekend or a heavy night... each specifically picked without the kids. They are not in my care when I'm drinking. I got it more together than I'll ever get credit for by this woman. I think it's because I'm not a woman. I really think that's what her beef is. I think she rather the kids be raised traditionally. She's okay with homosexuals but don't think they should have families kind of thing. It's funny because recently another family member decided to get pregnant and she's a lesbian. Oh my god that's got to burn her biscuits. She's made a comment that at least D tried to be with a woman and guess since that didn't work out .. lol. She has NOOOO clue. It's so funny.

God. I want to move out of this fucking town!!! People wonder why I'm depressed and so hard on myself? I got the whole fucking village picking away at me!!!!

D even started in on it.... arg... omgsh you're so secretive. He's always commenting on how secretive I am. Like he can fucking talk. He leaves I don't hear about him for hours. Never know when he's going to be home. He doesn't tell me what people text him or what he's doing on the computer. At least I told him about AS. At least I show him some texts and even read it off to him. I've fucking screen capped them and showed them. I've showed him my fucking Facebook. If he logged into his fucking account he'd see almost exactly what I'd see.. minus the private messages, but every picture, joke, everything posted on my walll and everything he would have complete access to. ya I'm totally fucking secretive. Mostly I'm just annoyed at the fact he thinks I'm going to want to cuddle or have sex with him after he's been out all day not knowing shit about him. Or thinks I'll give it up if he doesn't tell me he's leaving later. Ya tonight he asks if I want him to come wiht me to class, if not he was thinking about cooking the kid's dinner. Well cook the kid's dinner!!! They need you a lot more than you need to be with me at class. He's got friends with classes the same night he can fucking check up on me. he can fucking facetime my ass and see I do go to class. Not really all that secretive. I stupidly mention going to the bank and suddenly he has to go. Pissed my mom off and she's told him so. She watches the kids when we're away. I'm like... um... He didn't need anything at the bank. I just needed to sort out my bank card. I leave my receipts in the glove box and he can see my bank statement got nothing to hide. It's to that point I'm like... can I just move out and take the kids and you can be free? I mean really?

I'm frustrated. Don't fucking dare say shit about what I should do with my relationship. It is MY relationship. Only Dimitry and I get to choose how it goes and it's none of anyone's fucking business. just so you know the rant is entirely biased and out of context. No one knows shit. I do it on purpose. I don't tell people his side. I don't tell all the intricate details of the relationship on purpose. Gives ya no fucking power to tell me what to do with it. It's MY relationship. No advice is welcome. It's a rant. If we (Dimitry and I) want it to be a train wreck that's our prerogative. If we want to split we'll split. If we want to salvage we will. Between us. I will not fucking tolerate any one daring to suggest he's controlling, abusive etc just based on out of context and biased rants I give. He's none of these things. I opened up my life to him because I wanted to. I let him see things because I want to. He did not ask. He didn't guilt me or anything. I did it to attempt to salvage the relationship. Ya all the good it's doing.... He's had the utmost respect for my privacy. He just makes stupid comments because I've been disappearing on him a lot and not really wanting to spend time with him. See told you there is a lot more to situation than you know. I'm not innocent. I'm a devious little fuck. I got a dark side. I am a lying, flighty, squirrely, irresponsible, cheating, manipulative fucktard. People seem to forget that about me. I have a LONG history of being the kind of bastard most people do not want around. Just because I was abused, neglected and sexually assaulted does not excuse my behavior. I'm tired of people thinking I'm this hero and a nice guy. I'm the anti-hero. I'm a bit of an asshole. If we were in person betcha you would put up with me for long. You will hate me. That drunk on Hunger Games. That's me. Even sober aint that great. Being sober just makes me more aware of bullshit going on and care more. But not enough to really be worth too much compassion. It's more pathetic actually. And I don't like arguments on that fact. Just because I'm being hard on myself doesn't mean I'm giving up or throwing in the towel or I'm hurting myself. I'm not going to hurt myself if someone agrees with me. I'd be like damn straight! Or.. well as straight as an S, but we got something going there at least. Call me names. I don't care. Don't walk on eggshells around me. It just pisses me off. Tell me how it is or just fuck off.

That's all I want some fucking honesty. you want my help tell me. you want me to fuck myself I got the lube. you want to fuck me.. well pick a number. I got a long list of people that want to fuck me... some in a nice way and a lot of them not so in a nice way.



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