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Train Wreck

vakry

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I did it to myself. It is my fault. I am okay taking the responsibility. It does not harm me to do so. I own it. I don't put my sins on the devil I don't blame other people. I blame myself. I did it. I just have trouble un-doing it.

It's my fault they are texting me. It's my fault I answer. It's my fault I've cheated with them. It's my fault I didn't cut ties. It's my fault I'm a bit of a w**re. Ya, I didn't just do it to do it. There was some manipulation here. I don't just give it up for free. There is a price. Price depends on what I want. The more sadistic and twisted their fantasies are the higher the price. The more they want it... the higher the price. The sooner they want it... even higher. I'm a w**re.

It's my fault. Do not take that from me. There is power in me owning this. I like owning it. It doesn't degrade me in away way. Does not cause me to self harm. It is not at all in any way unhealthy for me to own the fact it is my fault.

I don't want to blame the programing. I don't want to talk about my past and it's responsibility on it. Seriously, if you didn't I was assaulted you'd gladly let me own it, wouldn't you? I don't want it to be about rape. I want to own it. I own it I have power. That's why I like to own things. It feels like I have control and power. Can you really argue I mean truly argue that I don't have some sort of responsibility in this? It's my way of getting control. That's what it's about. Am I any different than my main abuser? Seriously. Just because they are willing to have sex and capable of consent doesn't make what I do right. I negotiate the terms. I withhold sex if there is nothing to be gained. What is offered worth degrading myself for... I'll do it. I do value myself. Just not in any healthy way. I know people want to fuck me. I can pick them out of a crowd. Thanks to my creepy uncle I've learned how to spot them. I can even tell about their level of kink too. I'm never wrong. It's mostly about their comfort level in telling me what they desire. I already know. It's fun to play coy though. I know exactly what they want and how. I sense it. No one has ever complained. In fact most want more after a taste.

I've even made guys question their orientation. Hun... just because I dangle doesn't mean you're gay. I'm ambiguous and a bit of kinky bit*h when I want be. You think I'm girly on this site... hahahahhaa. You haven't seen nothing. Not even a taste. I can do a girly giggle and moan like a chick. Probably not thinking of me as a guy in the moment.

I am what you want me to be. What you perceive of me.

There is a lot of meaning behind every one of my poems. They aren't just about what is there.



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Sadness, anger, pain. Your post has brought back memories I want to forget. They are part of my story too. When I read it I see me, who I was.

I have no words. No thoughts on how to help with what you are going through now. But I hear you and feel the pain and anger.

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