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lanie
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Blog Entries posted by lanie
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im seeing a psychiatrist soon. i relapsed and my tics are getting worse. i feel like a burden to my roommate. im just tired of feeling this way. i have so many things i want to do i dont have time for this.
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i need to confess. i am planning on hurting myself tonight, just to see if it still helps me deal. ive been clean almost six years. but in a few days it will have been a year since ive been assaulted. i have all these feelings and i just need some type of release. i just want to see if it will work. im not okay. i have therapy tomorrow so we will see how that goes. my new meds are having weird effects too. i need to call my doctor. i am hurting and i just wish i could breathe. i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. its just hitting me its been almost a year. i just cant breathe anymore. what can i do. why am i like this.
sit with me?
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mom,
you dont understand and i dont want you to
if you did, id be able to talk to you
but if you did, i know that means youll relate and hurt like me
but it hurts even more that you dont understand and i hate that i feel that way.
i just wanted my mom. not some woman i love pushing religion down my throat.
i just wanted a hug. i wanted comfort. not a lesson i already learned.
i didnt need a review.
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46 days.
46 days and it will have been a year since my assault. i am back on campus and for the most part i dont get anxious leaving my room everyday, only sometimes. ive only had a few panic attacks in the past week. i feel like my roommate thinks im all better because i can talk about boys again with out being triggered. she talks about this guy she likes all the time and interrupts my studying bc she is always facetiming him or wants to tell me what he did or how she really wants to sleep with him. she even said she missed being able to talk about those tings with me which makes me feel bad because i have gotten better with sexual related things but it too much too soon with her. but i still have all these feelings i dont know how to express. I am in therapy again since im back at school. i am so glad i can talk to someone again. i didnt deal with anything over the summer. i have really low days where sometimes i think about relapsing and hurting myself even though im 6 years clean. i miss that release i had because now i don tknow how to talk about things or explain the way i feel so it builds up and i know its going to explode and ill end up hurting those around me. i plan on talking to my therapist about it so i guess well see how that goes.
its easy to not think about him. i just distract myself constantly. over the summer i had work, reading and making time for friends and now i have homework again. but more often than not, thoughts of him will creeep back in and change everything about my day. being back on campus has brought up old feelings that i buried for the summer and now i have to unpack all of them.
i just wish i could forget everything about my first year at school.
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over the weekend i was invited to spend the night with my friend and her 3 guy friends. one of them is gay, another ive known for years and the other is like a stranger. so is the one who is gay but i was nervous around him. i actually had a really good time the whole night and my cheeks were hurting from smiling so much. i didnt even think about the fact i was hanging out with three other guys. i am glad i went. i like to think it is progress. but sometimes the most random things still trigger me. i still dissociate like crazy. i will randomly have a hard time breathing and i feel hyperaware of everyone around me. it feels like everyone is staring at me. I am going to the doctor because i cant sleep, my anxiety keeps me up. i feel like if i go to bed something bad will happen. maybe i will change my meds again. i have a hard time explaining it to my mom. ive been staying in bed a LOT recently and she has asked me about it. i feel disconnected from my friends. i really want to get back to campus even though theres the possibility that i could see my assaulter again. he could possibly live where i live and i dont know what i would do if that happens. he doesnt know he did anything wrong and he thinks i consented and im too scared to say otherwise. he thinks i wanted it and its why i asked to hang out. it wasnt. i am also not looking forward to the guilt that will come with my roommate havign to deal with my trauma. she even told me last year she hates having to be careful around me. i love her and i am so glad i had her last year but i am nervous for this next coming year. i miss living with her so much but i am nervous for it. besides all of this i want to go back to campus. i cant do anything but wait to see what happens. she once had a guy over and said nothing would happen in the room bc i wasnt comfortable with being not welcomed in my own room. it was my safe spot. she promised me. but then she locked me out and i didnt talk to her for almost two days. she said she was also mad at me because she felt that i was overreacting. that hurt but i wanted to move past it. it felt like she betrayed my trust. if she had told me before hand something was going to happen i would have found somewhere else to go but i didnt. she said it was hard to deal with my stuff sometimes because she couldn't even have a normal life really. i feel guilty for holding her back but i also know my feelings are valid. right? this was months ago but im still bothered by it. i just dont want something like that to happen again this coming year. i dont know if i could handle it. i sometimes feel sick of myself for what happened but its in the past and i cant change it. anyways im just nervous about the possibilities of running into him this year. what if he tries to talk to me. or i have a class with him? i doubt it beacuse he wouldnt have a reason to take my majors classes. i am just so anxious all the time. i move in in less than three weeks. does anyone have any advice? on my roommate or how to deal with anxiety? i usually just play a certain songs in my airpods but those are ruined and i cant afford new ones right now and i dont have any cheap headphones the feel comfortable in my ears. i have to wait til christmas for new ones from my parents. i have to find something new.
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- 358 views
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i dont know when my last post was. its been a while. lately im feeling angry with the whole world. i am at home now, not at school anymore. my anxiety is awful. its so bad. i don tthink its ever been this bad. but i have figured out more of my sexuality. theres actually a girl i like. i met her on a trip to ireland through my school and she lives a few hours away from me. i am going to stay with her for a weekend. im actually pretty certain she likes me too but i will face that when it comes to it. i like her a lot but i am not ready for a relationship and i am NOT ready for a girlfriend. i have too much to work through on my own. i think my issues are getting worse because i wont be in therapy until august. i am ignoring my trauma and my ptsd. i am dissociating all the fucking time. i have crazy mood swings and i snap at everyone for no reason, usually my mom. i feel bad but she doesnt understand what i need. i miss living with my roommate because we understood each other. she knew how to handle me. i will disociiate while driving. its like im there but like im not. like im watching my life through a window and im in the backseat while im on cruisee control. does anyone relate? does any of this make any sense. i dont like it. it makes me feel numb and empty. the only thing that makes me feel better is my dog and my friends. i am laying in bed a lot more too. i go days without showering and noone notices. i dont know what to do. anytime im in one of my dark places, the first thing my mom asks is "are you taking your meds?" its like i cant be sad unless im off my meds, im not allowed to feel down with my meds. all she sees is my mental illness's and my trauma and not actually me. i feel suffocated and im hyper aware of my surroundings. i miss living on campus four hours away. it was different. yeah i missed my parents and the familiarity of home but its because i was going through trauma without any real help. i cant breathe at the most random times. i am just existing. i want to really live
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last night i ate some edibles with my friends and my roommate has been talking to this guy john for three weeks now and he lives an hour away. hes has been cancelling all their plans tp get together. last night he was free so she asked me of he could come over and spend the night. i have a rough time still being in a room with guys let alone sleeping in the same room. its only happened once and its with my REALLY close guy friend and even then he was across the room. but since i would be high i thought i wouldnt care. she promised me nothing would happen and they would just cuddle and watch criminal minds. i was out hanging with my other friends. i needed my id to get into the bathroom and knocked and she said i didnt have to. she promised me i wouldnt feel like i cant come in my room but after my friends came back from a walk i went to my room just went to open the door. it was locked. i was baked out of my mind so i was laughing but i still felt betrayed? i just stood there in disbelief because she promised me. i hear a thump inside and as i as start to walk away she opens the door so i turn around. she poked her head out and i started ot come inside but she blocked me and said hold on. a few minutes later she opened the door and said i could come in. when i went to put my jacket and shoes away they were just standing there. i was still laughing in disbelief. i put away my stuff grabbed a cookie and left. i went back to my friends room since they were obviously busy. i think maybe 30 minutes later she came over and tried to apologize but i was so far gone in my high i couldnt speak. so i said to try again later. she said i could come back whenever but the last thing i wanted was to be in the same room as them. am i right to be mad? i dont care if she gets laid. ive been very supportive of her past of having one night stands. but not if it means i get locked out of my own room, my own safe spot. this was last night and i havent talked to her yet. i dont even know what to say. she promised she wouldnt do anything as i could walk in any minute. obviously that was a lie. i want to say so many things to her but i dont think im ready to talk without saying something to purposely hurt her. i just feel hurt she did it knowing how i would feel. she said if he tried anything she'd make him leave. again, guess not.
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I may be going out with a guy next weekend? im not sure if i am yet. i want to. he seems like a decent guy and we like the same stuff. it doesn't hurt he has two absolutely adorable dogs. my roommate thinks i should go because she says i need to get out more. I really really want to but i am so nervous. i told him id have to check my work schedule and get back to him but i would definitely like to.
i am doing decently i guess? i have been eating more, although i try not to think about it. i have been trying push myself in school and even brought one of my grades up. I am making friends i think? with a girl at work.
Speaking of girls, i have been figuring out my sexuality i talked about it with my therapist and it felt good to finally talk about it. Ive talked about it to my best friend and roommate before but not in detail. I labeled myself as bi curious but ive admitted ive been attracted to girl physically before. I am still figuring it out but it felt nice to discuss what it would be like if i came out once i figured it out. i talked about my fears.
I am trying to build my confidence. i am trying to wear stuff i like but never had the confidence to wear before. one of the times i did a guy who is out as gay(mentioned so people know i wasnt nervous or uncomfortable by a guy) came up to me and complemented my outfit and i felt really happy for the rest of the day.
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- 264 views
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i had a few drinks the other night and broke my two week streak. im disappointed in myself. and i can always feel the judgement of my roommate if i take cbd capsules or gummies to sleep. i have therapy for the first time in two years tomorrow and im nervous. lately i have been feeling sick and anxious. like i get so nauseous from being anxious i feel the bile at the back of my throat. i met a girl and she made me realize im into girls but then i found out she went to the frat and knew the guy who assaulted me, i no longer want anything to do with her, but i feel bad because she doesnt know. i told her to be careful around him though and i have been distancing myself from her. i also saw my assaulter yesterday. i couldnt breathe but i couldnt seem to cry and i really wanted to. i felt so sick.
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- 605 views
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let me first start off by saying I DONT WANT TO KILL MYSELF. but recently i have had a fascination with death? i dont know how to explain it. i have been looking up carbon monoxide suicides because i just keep thinking about the way you pretty much just fall asleep. i have thought about relapsing in self harm again but i havent. yeah i miss it but is it worth the hassle of hiding it from my roommate? is that a weird reason to not hurt myself? i also think about death by hanging or how it would feel to die. i know this all sounds so fucked up and i get that. i hinest to god dont want to kill myself. I am tired of everything but i have goals in life i want to accomplish, but i really am tired of dealing with myself.
i am finally in therapy after two years of not going. i increased one of my meds. maybe things will change. i have only had one session with my therapist but shes pretty awesome. i think i will like her a lot. unfortunately i don thave a session this week because she is in puerto rico for a week. i am glad i am in it again tho. i have a lot i want to say with no one to say it to. such as my roommate. she has started having multiple guys over while im gone. which i told her to once because she just got dumped and she wanted to. i dont care if she has sex a lot, i really dont. i just want her to have an good time and do what she wants. anytime she says a guy asked her to hook up, my first question is always "do you want to?" and if she says yes, i say go for it. if not then i tell her dont do it, especially if she isnt sure because i dont want her to regret anything. im not sl*t shaming her. i just dont like how she sees this as a fine coping skill but then she goes and judges me if i want to get high every once in a while or drink in social setting. i want to talk to her about it but she said shes done with it. i dont give her any response that makes her feel bad for her decisions so i dont understand why she does that to me. she also told me recently she doesnt know how to handle me. i am not an object to be handled. to say that bothered me is an understatement. i try not to be around her anymore because shes the only person i really spend time with at this school, my best friend is an hour and a half away, but its not healthy to always be together.
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- 266 views
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starting next week i am going to therapy every thursday. i havent had a drink and gotten high in two weeks. but its been hard. one of the reasons i stopped getting high is because of my roommate even though i only take edibles, she says it makes her uncomfortable. by i cant sleep and my anxiety tics are back. my body spasms uncontrollably and my face twitches, like im blinking really hard. from an outside point of view i look like im tweaking out. in pictures my eyes look so sad. i barely went to classes this week. i havent done homework for my math class since beginning of February. im letting my grades suffer. im just tired of it all you know? i want to relapse so bad but i dont want to let myself down.
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- 405 views
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I am losing myself again. i thought i was getting better but i am not at all. i havent had any panic attacks lately but i am slipping back into bad habits. i barely eat 400 calories a day, i dont sleep much and when i do its only because i drink alcohol or get high, i am letting my dishes pile up and the same with my laundry, i am snapping at those around me for no reason, i am isolating myself so i dont hurt their feelings but do so in the process, i am getting behind in schoolwork, i want to skip classes i can barely get out of bed. i ruin everything good in my life. i am tearing myself apart and i dont know if i want to stop it. i am having urges to hurt myself again. i am pretty much 5 years clean and i dont want to ruin that. i want to talk to someone but i cant find it in me to go to the counseling center on campus because i am worried they will send me away. i am tired but not because i am not sleeping. i dont know what to do. i cant talk to my parents because they dont understand. my mom will just ask me to pray. my dad understands but he will talk to my mom and its not exactly a conversation in can have over the phone. they live 4 hours away but i dont have time to drive to and back. i have work and classes. i dont know how long i can keep doing this. i am so tired.
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I lift for winter break early so its been about a month and a half since i have last visited this site. i was stayin gat home for the holidays, four hours away from campus. i am back on campus. i thought i was getting better. i was wrong. i have been fine until last night. my roommate was watching a video of some celebrity reading thirst tweets and it got pretty explicit. i started to have a panic attack. i didn tell my roommate, i just laid in my bed quietly like i was on my phone. when i got down off my bed, my roommate asked if i was okay because i had been quiet, i thought about lying but i didnt. i told her i wasnt and she asked if it was her fault. i felt bad for saying yes. i am wearing one of my dads shirts he gave me and i dont feel comfortable in it anymore. when in was assaulted i was wearing one of my dads shirts. now its hard to. its the first time wearing one since it happened. i havent had an anxiety tics while i was at home. now they are starting again. the only reason ive been able to sleep was because i have been sick and took cold medicine that knocked me out, except for last night. i thought i was doing better.
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i told my om when i went home for thanksgiving break. it was the fourth night i think if me being there. I started crying as soon as i saw her, just absolute complete ugly crying. she didnt react the way i thought she would. she was very quiet and apologized that it had happened to me. she asked if i told my dad yet and i said no and she offered to tell him for me. so she did. he didnt talk to me the rest of the night. i know he doesnt think less of me or blame me but i dont understand why he wouldnt look at me. i just kept sobbing. i was in the living room and my house is small so theres no way my siblings didnt hear me. it felt like i was tiptoeing around my dad the next when we went to the movies the next day just the two of us. it was awkward and i just rambled. i didnt plan on telling my parents. but i just wanted to be held by my mom. my dad told my mom i should still report it even if it doesnt do anything. i cant. i can barely call it assaut to myself because if i do, then it makes it real. it makes me feel broken and used and worthless. but i am making progress. i hugged my guy best friend
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- 565 views
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today i went to the counseling center and got waitlisted until the end of the year, possibly even next year. so that was pointless. I went to the dining hall for the first time since it happened. i was paranoid the whole time and i couldn't relax. i was on edge the whole time. i felt like i was on the look out the whole time. i had to leave because i felt sick. i ended up having an anxiety attack when i got back to my room. but i tried. i really did. im trying to make big steps in little time because i am tired of living like this. i want to go to the gym and workout til i pass out to get my anger out. running helps but i live in a dangerous place now so i cant go running by myself. i am so tired. of everything.
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this weekend i am visiting a friend at a college an hour a way from me and one of my guy friends will be there. we will have to sleep on the floor together. i guess it will be a test run and see how i do around guys. i am nervous and scared. the last time i slept next to him he kept rolling over on top of me in his sleep. god knows what ill do if i wake up to that now.
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i had my first nightmare about him. its been about two weeks so i don't know why they are just starting now. my depression is getting bad again. i haven't showered in two days,i am isolating myself, i don't eat, i don't sleep, i dont care if i go to class or get a bad grade. i feel numb, like im going through the motions. i thought of hurting myself like i used to but im almost 5 years clean. its so tempting but i know im stronger than that. i feel sick a lot. all my friends keep saying "sorry i know you don tlike to talk about guys but...." its driving me fucking insane. do they even care?
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fuck you. you ruined me. you broke me and i dont know how to fix it. i was a damn fool to have ever trusted you. you make me feel weak. i hate you. i hate everything about you. i hate myself. i hate that i have to live with a body you touched. how do you live with yourself? do you even know what you did was wrong? are you aware you ruined my entire life? Are you?
how am i supposed to live like this
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- 453 views
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every time i leave my dorm building, i cant breathe. I cant really be around anyone. I have cancelled plans with three people this week because i don't have the energy and I dont want to see them. whenever i am walking to class I feel like he is about to pop up behind me or he is following me. when i hear foot steps behind me I will walk out of my way to make sure that whoever is behind me isnt following me. my heart drops when i hear people near me for the sheer fact it could be him. i keep thinking maybe i should find a guy and force myself to sleep with him because maybe he didnt ruin me? maybe i am okay and being over dramatic. maybe i can be intimate with someone without crying or freaking out. but i know i cant. because he did ruin me. he ruined all of me and i dont know how to fix it. my roommate walked into our schools counseling center so i could get paperwork to schedule an appointment. i couldnt breathe after leaving there and that wasnt even the hard part.
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- 616 views
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it so hard to be around my friends because they love to talk about boys and it makes me really uncomfortable talking about men. I hate talking about men but at the same time I am still attractive to men and it feels like i am betraying myself, heart, mind, body, and my soul by feeling that. Its so hard to talk to my mom because she constantly tells me to work out but I cant because he is always at the gym and I cant afford a membership. its so hard to eat because I cant go to the dining hall because he might be there. Its so hard because my best friend told me to talk to a professional to find out if it was actually sexual assault. its hard because i have to live with the body that he touched. I cant breathe when I leave the building because I might see him coming out of his. its hard because i can still feel him touching me and holding me down. its so hard because i can hear his voice. its hard because i cant be touched by anyone but my roommate no matter how much i want to hug my friends and comfort them when they are sad. I cant. I cant keep going on like this. its hard because i myself am questioning did i even fight back? or did I make it up? everyone is going on with their lives and i am stuck in the moment, in his room, on his bed. why cant i get it to stop?
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- 338 views
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this is what you know
I went to your room willingly
I said yes at first
I changed my mind
I pushed you away
you didnt stop
i finally left
here's what you dont know
I cant sleep
i cant wear my dads oversized tshirts to bed anymore
i cant wear shorts around guys
I cant go to the dining hall in fear of seeing you
i cant go to the gym because you work out 24/7
i cant breathe when i think of being with someone else ever again
i cant make eye contact with my guy friends anymore
i cant eat
i cant think about anything else
i blame myself
i should've fought more
you make me feel weak
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- 359 views
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Today i was picking up trash with my roommate on our way back to our room from our walk to get me out of bed when this guy who was running stopped by the trash can we were at to put on his shirt while we were throwing away the trash. we kept making eye contact and he was really good looking. my body obviously felt attracted to him but my mind and heart felt disgusting for being attracted to someone so soon after my assault. I feel like I am betraying myself which I feel is stupid. when i think of being with someone i feel sick so why did this one moment make me forget that? Im angry at my self and my feelings are all over the place.
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