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my story

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my head is not a good place rn (TW-self harm)


lanie

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46 days.

46 days and it will have been a year since my assault. i am back on campus and for the most part i dont get anxious leaving my room everyday, only sometimes. ive only had a few panic attacks in the past week. i feel like my roommate thinks im all better because i can talk about boys again with out being triggered. she talks about this guy she likes all the time and interrupts my studying bc she is always facetiming him or wants to tell me what he did or how she really wants to sleep with him. she even said she missed being able to talk about those tings with me which makes me feel bad because i have gotten better with sexual related things but it too much too soon with her. but i still have all these feelings i dont know how to express. I am in therapy again since im back at school. i am so glad i can talk to someone again. i didnt deal with anything over the summer. i have really low days where sometimes i think about relapsing and hurting myself even though im 6  years clean.  i miss that release i had because now i don tknow how to talk about things or explain the way i feel so it builds up and i know its going to explode and ill end up hurting those around me. i plan on talking to my therapist about it so i guess well see how that goes. 

its easy to not think about him. i just distract myself constantly. over the summer i had work, reading and making time for friends and now i have homework again. but more often than not, thoughts of him will creeep back in and change everything about my day. being back on campus has brought up old feelings that i buried for the summer and now i have to unpack all of them.

i just wish i could forget everything about my first year at school. 

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