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my story

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im feeling.....?


lanie

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i dont know when my last post was. its been a while. lately im feeling angry with the whole world. i am at home now, not at school anymore. my anxiety is awful. its so bad. i don tthink its ever been this bad. but i have figured out more of my sexuality. theres actually a girl i like. i met her on a trip to ireland through my school and she lives a few hours away from me. i am going to stay with her for a weekend. im actually pretty certain she likes me too but i will face that when it comes to it. i like her a lot but i am not ready for a relationship and i am NOT ready for a girlfriend. i have too much to work through on my own. i think my issues are getting worse because i wont be in therapy until august. i am ignoring my trauma and my ptsd. i am dissociating all the fucking time. i have crazy mood swings and i snap at everyone for no reason, usually my mom. i feel bad but she doesnt understand what i need. i miss living with my roommate because we understood each other. she knew how to handle me. i will disociiate while driving. its like im there but like im not. like im watching my life through a window and im in the backseat while im on cruisee control. does anyone relate? does any of this make any sense. i dont like it. it makes me feel numb and empty. the only thing that makes me feel better is my dog and my friends. i am laying in bed a lot more too. i go days without showering and noone notices. i dont know what to do. anytime im in one of my dark places, the first thing my mom asks is "are you taking your meds?" its like i cant be sad unless im off my meds, im not allowed to feel down with my meds. all she sees is my mental illness's and my trauma and not actually me. i feel suffocated and im hyper aware of my surroundings. i miss living on campus four hours away. it was different. yeah i missed my parents and the familiarity of home but its because i was going through trauma without any real help. i cant breathe at the most random times. i am just existing. i want to really live

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