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my story

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any advice i guess? im not sure what im looking for


lanie

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over the weekend i was invited to spend the night with my friend and her 3 guy friends. one of them is gay, another ive known for years and the other is like a stranger. so is the one who is gay but i was nervous around him. i actually had a really good time the whole night and my cheeks were hurting from smiling so much. i didnt even think about the fact i was hanging out with three other guys. i am glad i went. i like to think it is progress. but sometimes the most random things still trigger me. i still dissociate like crazy. i will randomly have a hard time breathing and i feel hyperaware of everyone around me. it feels like everyone is staring at me. I am going to the doctor because i cant sleep, my anxiety keeps me up. i feel like if i go to bed something bad will happen. maybe i will change my meds again. i have a hard time explaining it to my mom. ive been staying in bed a LOT recently and she has asked me about it. i feel disconnected from my friends. i really want to get back to campus even though theres the possibility that i could see my assaulter again. he could possibly live where i live and i dont know what i would do if that happens. he doesnt know he did anything wrong and he thinks i consented and im too scared to say otherwise. he thinks i wanted it and its why i asked to hang out. it wasnt. i am also not looking forward to the guilt that will come with my roommate havign to deal with my trauma. she even told me last year she hates having to be careful around me. i love her and i am so glad i had her last year but i am nervous for this next coming year. i miss living with her so much but i am nervous for it. besides all of this i want to go back to campus. i cant do anything but wait to see what happens. she once had a guy over and said nothing would happen in the room bc i wasnt comfortable with being not welcomed in my own room. it was my safe spot. she promised me. but then she locked me out and i didnt talk to her for almost two days. she said she was also mad at me because she felt that i was overreacting. that hurt but i wanted to move past it. it felt like she betrayed my trust. if she had told me before hand something was going to happen i would have found somewhere else to go but i didnt. she said it was hard to deal with my stuff sometimes because she couldn't even have a normal life really. i feel guilty for holding her back but i also know my feelings are valid. right? this was months ago but im still bothered by it. i just dont want something like that to happen again this coming year. i dont know if i could handle it. i sometimes feel sick of myself for what happened but its in the past and i cant change it. anyways im just nervous about the possibilities of running into him this year. what if he tries to talk to me. or i have a class with him? i doubt it beacuse he wouldnt have a reason to take my majors classes. i am just so anxious all the time. i move in in less than three weeks. does anyone have any advice? on my roommate or how to deal with anxiety? i usually just play a certain songs in my airpods but those are ruined and i cant afford new ones right now and i dont have any cheap headphones the feel comfortable in my ears. i have to wait til christmas for new ones from my parents. i have to find something new. 

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