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Everything posted by lanie

  1. lanie

    its been a while

    I lift for winter break early so its been about a month and a half since i have last visited this site. i was stayin gat home for the holidays, four hours away from campus. i am back on campus. i thought i was getting better. i was wrong. i have been fine until last night. my roommate was watching a video of some celebrity reading thirst tweets and it got pretty explicit. i started to have a panic attack. i didn tell my roommate, i just laid in my bed quietly like i was on my phone. when i got down off my bed, my roommate asked if i was okay because i had been quiet, i thought about lying but
  2. lanie


    i told my om when i went home for thanksgiving break. it was the fourth night i think if me being there. I started crying as soon as i saw her, just absolute complete ugly crying. she didnt react the way i thought she would. she was very quiet and apologized that it had happened to me. she asked if i told my dad yet and i said no and she offered to tell him for me. so she did. he didnt talk to me the rest of the night. i know he doesnt think less of me or blame me but i dont understand why he wouldnt look at me. i just kept sobbing. i was in the living room and my house is small so theres no w
  3. this weekend i am visiting a friend at a college an hour a way from me and one of my guy friends will be there. we will have to sleep on the floor together. i guess it will be a test run and see how i do around guys. i am nervous and scared. the last time i slept next to him he kept rolling over on top of me in his sleep. god knows what ill do if i wake up to that now.
  4. lanie

    i tried

    today i went to the counseling center and got waitlisted until the end of the year, possibly even next year. so that was pointless. I went to the dining hall for the first time since it happened. i was paranoid the whole time and i couldn't relax. i was on edge the whole time. i felt like i was on the look out the whole time. i had to leave because i felt sick. i ended up having an anxiety attack when i got back to my room. but i tried. i really did. im trying to make big steps in little time because i am tired of living like this. i want to go to the gym and workout til i pass out to get my a
  5. lanie


    Thank you so much. I also was assaulted a few weeks ago. three weeks ago as of tomorrow actually. i am also here if you want to message me. i finally showered today. its been rough again. youre right. there are days where it feels like im normal again. but then there are really really bad days where i cant seem to leave my bed. luckily i have a roommate who really cares and helps me. I hope you have someone like that for you. feel free to message me anytime. I would be honored to be apart of your support system.
  6. lanie


    i had my first nightmare about him. its been about two weeks so i don't know why they are just starting now. my depression is getting bad again. i haven't showered in two days,i am isolating myself, i don't eat, i don't sleep, i dont care if i go to class or get a bad grade. i feel numb, like im going through the motions. i thought of hurting myself like i used to but im almost 5 years clean. its so tempting but i know im stronger than that. i feel sick a lot. all my friends keep saying "sorry i know you don tlike to talk about guys but...." its driving me fucking insane. do they even care?
  7. lanie

    a letter to him pt 2

    fuck you. you ruined me. you broke me and i dont know how to fix it. i was a damn fool to have ever trusted you. you make me feel weak. i hate you. i hate everything about you. i hate myself. i hate that i have to live with a body you touched. how do you live with yourself? do you even know what you did was wrong? are you aware you ruined my entire life? Are you? how am i supposed to live like this
  8. lanie

    does the fear ever go away?

    Thank you. I am sorry to have found you here but I am rooting for you as well.
  9. every time i leave my dorm building, i cant breathe. I cant really be around anyone. I have cancelled plans with three people this week because i don't have the energy and I dont want to see them. whenever i am walking to class I feel like he is about to pop up behind me or he is following me. when i hear foot steps behind me I will walk out of my way to make sure that whoever is behind me isnt following me. my heart drops when i hear people near me for the sheer fact it could be him. i keep thinking maybe i should find a guy and force myself to sleep with him because maybe he didnt ruin me?
  10. lanie

    its so hard

    it so hard to be around my friends because they love to talk about boys and it makes me really uncomfortable talking about men. I hate talking about men but at the same time I am still attractive to men and it feels like i am betraying myself, heart, mind, body, and my soul by feeling that. Its so hard to talk to my mom because she constantly tells me to work out but I cant because he is always at the gym and I cant afford a membership. its so hard to eat because I cant go to the dining hall because he might be there. Its so hard because my best friend told me to talk to a professional to fin
  11. lanie

    a letter to him

    this is what you know I went to your room willingly I said yes at first I changed my mind I pushed you away you didnt stop i finally left here's what you dont know I cant sleep i cant wear my dads oversized tshirts to bed anymore i cant wear shorts around guys I cant go to the dining hall in fear of seeing you i cant go to the gym because you work out 24/7 i cant breathe when i think of being with someone else ever again i cant make eye contact with my guy friends anymore i cant eat i cant think about anything else
  12. Today i was picking up trash with my roommate on our way back to our room from our walk to get me out of bed when this guy who was running stopped by the trash can we were at to put on his shirt while we were throwing away the trash. we kept making eye contact and he was really good looking. my body obviously felt attracted to him but my mind and heart felt disgusting for being attracted to someone so soon after my assault. I feel like I am betraying myself which I feel is stupid. when i think of being with someone i feel sick so why did this one moment make me forget that? Im angry at my sel
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