it so hard to be around my friends because they love to talk about boys and it makes me really uncomfortable talking about men. I hate talking about men but at the same time I am still attractive to men and it feels like i am betraying myself, heart, mind, body, and my soul by feeling that. Its so hard to talk to my mom because she constantly tells me to work out but I cant because he is always at the gym and I cant afford a membership. its so hard to eat because I cant go to the dining hall because he might be there. Its so hard because my best friend told me to talk to a professional to find out if it was actually sexual assault. its hard because i have to live with the body that he touched. I cant breathe when I leave the building because I might see him coming out of his. its hard because i can still feel him touching me and holding me down. its so hard because i can hear his voice. its hard because i cant be touched by anyone but my roommate no matter how much i want to hug my friends and comfort them when they are sad. I cant. I cant keep going on like this. its hard because i myself am questioning did i even fight back? or did I make it up? everyone is going on with their lives and i am stuck in the moment, in his room, on his bed. why cant i get it to stop?