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aperson

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Blog Entries posted by aperson

  1. aperson
    It has been 11 days since the biopsy and I have no results. My dr said she would have the results in about a week. It has been 11 days. Early on I was concerned but it was manageable. If the results came back negative for cancer, I would have the lesser invasive procedure that would stop the bleeding. If they were positive, I was prepared to have the hysterectomy and any other procedures to give my body a chance to fight. The longer the wait, the more I am nervous either way. The longer it takes the more anxiety that builds up in me.
    Both procedures would make me sterile which is fine...I think. I have never wanted to be pregnant. But the longer I have to wait the more I think about what that loss means for me. In an odd way it feels like a loss of femininity. Logically I know that really wont change but the loss is there to some degree. I am worried that it wont be enough either way. What if I end up with a negative result and 10 years later it all returns. I had this issue with bleeding about 8 years ago. The dr then sounded so certain it wouldnt return but here I am. The reason seems to be different. Polyps then. Fybroids now. I chose the lesser invasive procedure then because the alternative gave me the same feeling of loss as today. It felt right then. It feels like a mistake today. 
    I am trying to remain optimistic. When I told my dad he said the result is already set in place whatever it is. He will pray for healing no matter the result. I know that at this moment I am not ready to not fight to keep myself healthy and alive. I think about my aunt who had cancer and did not survive it. She fought with her last ounce of strength. I just dont know if the wait is a positive sign. If it was bad they would have contacted me immediately right? Or is it the wait is to determine how bad it is?
    I dont know what the answer is right now. I do know I am going to try and not let the what-ifs take me to a dangerous place. I have never been so anxious about getting results from a dr as I am right now. I cannot wait for this to be over, one way or the other.
  2. aperson

    Something Positive

    By aperson,

    So let's try something positive today. Something that requires no analysis. I hope lol
    Yayyy for 5 hrs of sleep all at once. I am the master of sleep now lol
    I found out that my trainer loves to scare the new hires by telling them I am mean. He corrects it later. And I thought it was my RBF (Resting B#$%h Face)
    I binge watched all the Star Trek Next Generation and Star Trek Voyager. Definitely not a trekkie but these 2 series I have always liked.
    I am safe. 
    I forgot no ones name today. My co-workers know this is a major accomplishment. I usually call every name until I get the right one. Me - 1 Brain - 2435 😁
    I had didnt cuss anyone out. Another great accomplishment.
    (Good Lord! This is quite difficult)
    I made someone laugh. They were having a crappy day. 
    I kicked my boss out of her office haha. She hates it.
    I want to be here.
    I like the bond I have with the people at my job. They drive me nuts but I can laugh while they do it.
    My niece (8 yrs old) told her mom that even if her future husband doesnt like that she is picky, he will still love her. She is definitely going to need a patient man smh.
    Even though it was hot as hell, the wind made it tolerable. Please bring some rain soon.
    6 months and I will be at the ocean for a weekend. It's not much but I cant wait to put my feet in the ocean again.
    My mom has not seen the inside of a hospital for over a year. That first 2 years after her body stopped producing insulin was rough. She has a good handle on it now.
    Alright, that's enough. This required waaaay more thought than I imagined. Let's see if I can get another 5 hrs of sleep tonight.
     
  3. aperson

    She is gone.

    By aperson,

    This morning, while we sat with our grandma, she took her last breath. I made one of the hardest calls I have made so far in life. I called my dad to tell him she was gone. But he knew before I could get the words out. At 0623, she left us. She  went peacefully and without pain. 
    Before he got there, I straightened her clothes and cleaned her face. I told her that we would all be ok. I know she is in heaven now one of my new guardian angels. When my dad came I stayed near by in case he needed me. He said his goodbye and said she is exactly where she wants to be now. He smiled. He thanked us for staying. We sat and held her hand until the funeral home came. I remember how warm she felt when I first checked for her pulse. I thought she would start breathing again. By the time they came, she was turning cold. There was no doubt that she wasnt there any more.
    So now the task begins. My brother is on the road as a truck driver and we are praying he makes it home in time. I am ok for now. The day of her services will be the hardest. It always is. That is when it really clicks that it is done. Earlier today, my sister and I had the same thought, lets go see gramdma later. Then we had the next thought of we cant. I made sure to get the blanket I crocheted for her. They cant find the other one.
  4. aperson

    Is it me?

    By aperson,

    I think I need to reduce my interactions with people. Maintain minimal contact as required. The problem isnt the world. The problem is me. My negative outlook. My resistance to change. My lack of social skills. The problem is I project it in my face and body and everyone seems to react to it.
    Continuing to force a situation is just adding further to the problem. Even when I am trying not to cause an issie, it is met with defensiveness. While I hoped that I had improved over the last 20+ years, tje fact is I have not. The people I work with think I am mean. The people I work for think I am incompetent. 'Friends' find me difficult and distant. Family thinks I am an a$$hole. Putting an effort to change these things and keep the hurt inside is not working. So maybe I am just this person. 
    My head says this is a dumb idea. My heart says it must be done. It is the only way to resolve impending conflicts and prevent future issues. It will be hard in some situations but maybe it will provide me some time to fix myself. I am sure most people will be grateful for the change. I will have to think if I need to step down from my job.
  5. aperson
    ***********************FAIR WARNING***************THERE IS  BRIEF DISCUSSION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS***********************
     
    This ongoing battle within myself is quite painful. I like to believe that I have a reasonable amount of intelligence. But this battle I am not winning. I am not okay most days but I am really not okay today, this week. It's like the battle of an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Both trying to lay out their case on why I she be on there side. But they aren't an angel and a devil. They are the young girl and a young woman. Each of them are still putting out their points as to what i should believe and what I should do next.
    The young woman is the logical me. She tells me all the things I should know and would tel another person in my position. She says that I am not to blame for the circumstances I found myself in then and now. That the truth of the matter is that I wasn't experienced enough to know how to react to the situation so I reacted based on that little experience. It wasn't right nor was it wrong. it just was. She insists that there is no right or wrong way to have reacted. Even if many people react the same there will never be a right or wrong way to react to someone causing harm to you and ensuring your safety and sanity. She believes and supports me. She knows the internal battle I fight on whether it was or wasn't (insert term here). She says that if I believe it then it must be so and whatever the next steps I want to take, she will be there holding my hand.  She insists that I allow myself to feel whatever emotion I have at the time. That can be sadness or anger and she even understands the desire of wanting to take death over the pain I have. All of it was valid and allowable. What isnt allowable is actually giving up on myself or harming myself to avoid the feelings I have. She doesnt make me feel guilty or ashamed.
    The young girl is my irrational side. I guess that is the best word. This child is a ball of emotions and impulse. She screams that I am to blame for not doing anything then and now. She says that I must have wanted these things because why else would I not say anything. She yells that I am a horrible person. She agrees with my mother. That only girls who want to do these things find themselves in these situations. This girl says all the names that I have called myself are true and I am not worth spending another day 'battling' over something I know to be true. She says there is no point ruining anyone's life over something I caused. She tells me if I cant deal with the shame and hurt I caused then I should just end my life.
    I hear each of them. I understand each of their points. I believe each of them with conditions, if that makes any sense. Because of the ongoing battle with myself I am constantly replaying what I remember. I am constantly dissecting each scene. Trying to find a way to prove one of them wrong over the other. Trying to find an answer to the one question I cant escape and that is how do I move forward. At the end of the day, I find that I start to replay all the owuld have and should haves and could haves. If I had only done this. If I hadn't done this. If I hadnt gone here. If I didnt look a certain way. If I wasnt so shy. An endless cycle that further intensifies the hurt and pain. It prevents the mind from shutting down because there is no end. The what-ifs are infinite like the number of parallel universes. Every decision has a new outcome and new set of decisions and outcomes. The only thing being affected by all of this is me. My mental state. My ability to interact in the world. 
    I believe it when people say that these kind of internal battles have an affect on you physically. I am physically tired because I cannot sleep. i am physically sick because my blood pressure is probably through the roof from the stress. I I know that all of this is reeking havoc on my body but I cant seem to make the thoughts stop. Work is a mild distraction but not enough. So I continue these ramblings to hopefully release what I know is building up inside. This is the only option I have at the moment and I fear that this will not be enough as it hasnt been so far. What I need and want will not be fulfilled. And knowing that is another set of hurt and pain.
  6. aperson

    Its been awhile

    By aperson,

    I havent given up on this but every time I tried to write I was full of shame. I couldnt allow it to be seen by anyone. 
    I still cant. People say you shouldnt feel ashamed, Its not your fault, It happens to many people. I say I hear you but those words dont take the shame away. They somehow only increase the panic and anxiety. I have to breathe deeply to drive off the impending panic attack.
    I said it once before but I diminished the issue. Made it sound much better than it was...is. It is pretty bad. Bad enough that I cant really disguise the issue anymore. Bad enough that I notice the long stares. Bad enough that I dont want to leave the house some days. Ot has been a year. The longer it goes, the harder it gets. It is like watching a mess get bigger but now its too big to handle so you keep ignoring it. 
    So I wite this to give myself a little peace this evening. To relieve the pressure. 
  7. aperson

    Forgiveness...

    By aperson,

    Forgiveness  I am told starts with me. Once I forgive myself then I can forgive those who caused me me pain. I never quite understood what I should forgive myself for. It is difficult for me to feel as if I made an error that caused such an affect and I am supposed to wash the slate clean. That is supposed to remove the guilt and shame I feel. That is supposed to help me open lines of communication that dont exist now. Tonight someone said (not to me) you were a child. Forgive yourself for not know what you did not know. Uh?? I should forgive the young girl for not knowing how to handle the adult situation before her? Why? Because part of the blame I give to that little girl comes from my adult mind's processing. That little girl was lost and afraid. As I got older, I understood what should have happened but that little girl didnt.
    I should allow the little girl to free herself from the shackles of having to have an adult mind when she wasnt capable of doing so. I should forgive myself for not having developed appropriate coping skills because all I was thought was to conceal anything bad. I should stop blaming her for not being strong enough when she hadnt learned her own strength. She was just trying to figure it out when that happened. Forgive myself for being angry that she wasnt strong enough.
    In forgiving myself, I would be letting the hold it has over me. I would be able reconcile  a broken and shattered person. I would be able to give voice to that which is currently silent. While I am sayng this now, I am still in conflict. Part of me says yes I should do this. A equal part of me says I cannot and I musr be an idiot to try. It all seems so simple. It feels 'idealistic'. In truth there is some hard work behind those words and it all has to be believed. That's difficult as I dont know if I believe it even as I write it.
    So that is the question of the night. Can I forgive myself? The jury is still out on this.
  8. aperson

    Finally....

    By aperson,

    The results are in and they are normal. One month, hours of worry and a few tears shed. It would have been nice to know this when they knew it. But better late than never, right? So, the biopsy did show that I am facing the same situation as 8 years ago. I have been there and I know what that means. I know what that process looks like.
    So now I wait for an appointment so I can get someone to take me since It requires me to be under. I decided not to do a hysterectomy. Emotionally, I just cant. Plus, the cost is astronomical. At least my insurance has a higher deductible than the last one. 
    So now I can really breathe a sigh of relief. I can prepare for the next step and hope that I beat the odds on having another recurrence.
  9. aperson

    What you cant see

    By aperson,

    Some days the intangible losses hurt worse than the physical act. Those things people cant see but you still feel. Those things that you usually ignore because the physical is easier to explain.
    Yeah, those losses cant be measured so easily. And they are harder to explain to others. I just want to get back what I lost.
  10. aperson

    Lost and Confused

    By aperson,

    A bit of honesty? A bit of truth?
    The fact is I am terribly lost in this huge world. I am surrounded by people but still totally lost. I keep trying to follow the rules but the rules keep changing. I keep trying to make a path to a happy life. There are all these...detours. And they can bring so much pain and hurt. They change the the path you were on.
    I want so bad to be free from this 'thing' that happened. Some days it doesnt even feel like it happened to me. Like that isnt possible to happen to me. Then there are those times when I cant escape that it happened to me. I cant escape the emptiness it created. I cant escape the shame. I cant escape the fear. I wish I could even speak the 'thing' but I cant. Not for myself at least. How do you put words to a thing you werent even old enough to understand? How do you explain the need to be even more invisible? Undesirable? How do you put that into words for someone who hasnt experienced the 'thing'? 
    So to avoid the 'thing' you do everything you can. You run. You hide. You ignore the 'thing' and anyone associated with it. You add an invisible shelter around yourself. Never letting anyone too close. Never being too open. Always keeping the most scared part of yourself sacred. You know that this is wrong but how else do you keep living in this life if you dont. Because when you look out at the world behind your invisible wall you see nothing good. You see danger. You see hate. You fear everything and everyone.
    I can tell you what happened but do you really understand what that means? What that does to a person? Do you know that moving forward is hard? It's even harder when you feel unsupported, unwanted and unloved. It doesnt matter if you helped contribute to some of it. You cant always see that. All you can see is that you are alone in this. You are the only one who can feel the unspoken.
    There are days you can 'forget'. You can move through the world. There are times where you must wear the mask. You havent forgotten but you push through the day until the end so you can take off the mask. Then there are the rest. The days you cant even pretend anymore. Yo sit and watch the world moving on and wondering how they can. How do they no see the danger? Why are they not hiding and trying to be as invisible as you?
    You head hurts from all the chaos. The chaos in your mind and the chaos in the world. The more I try to make sense of it the more chaotic things become. You try to fix one thing and 6 more come up. And fixing those you realize you never fixed the first one so you must start all over. Now you dont know where to begin.
    It's all so hard. It's all so draining. I keep thinking now may be a good time to try therapy again. But what does that look like during a pandemic? Virtual sessions? No, I cant. The pandemic is an excuse. I probably wouldnt go anyway. And if I went once, I would never go back. I cant even discuss with the people I am closest to how do I tell a stranger? I cant admit it to myself even. 
    I really dont know what else to do at this point. Like I am at a complete loss. I cant move past it. I cant do what is needed to begin the process to move past it and that hurts. That maybe one of the more painful things. It means I am stuck this way forever. Stuck in misery and fear. Stuck in a past that blocks any future. Stuck alone. That's what I have to learn to accept. The living with lonliness and fear in a world that many times I dont want to be a part of. 
    I havent taken one of my drives. The ones that allow me to think uninterrupted by home. I think given my current mindset, it may be less productive. What do I want? For someone to see the unspoken. For someone to be able to comfort those unspoken words. I dont think that is possible though. I guess I feel like the answer that will be given is no one can comfort me but me and I just dont know how to do that. So the sleepless nights will continue. The pushing away will continue. The silence will continue. The misery will continue. Will it continue because I want it to or because it just cant be comforted.
    People say there is no one beyond help although everyone feels like they are. I am not sure I fully believe them. It feels like I am an exception to the rule. I am the square trying its best to fit in a circle. Trying to shave the corners so she can fit in with the rest of the world. Trying to pave a way from a past that I just am walking in circles. 
  11. aperson
    My mama is still in the hospital in serious condition on the ventilator. Some days are good and others seem like just one more thing going wrong. The pneumonia is still present but slowly declining. Then there are the other things like fluctuating blood pressure, heart rate and blood sugar. Then there is the monitoring of her kidneys which are also declining. She has been on a ventilator  for 8 days now. These are the most nerve wracking 8 days ever. 
    I havent heard her voice in 11 days. We did get to see her 1 day. It was hard seeing her connected to all those tubes. I kept watching her breathing because at the time I knew they hard reduced the ventilator down and she was having to do some of the work to breathe. It was so irregular. A few quick shallow breaths then nothing and then deeper breathe which was machine doing the work. We all talked to her and did our normal sibling playful banter. Inside I wanted to cry. When she opened her eyes and turned toward us I hoped she would fight the meds and just look at us and half smile.
    She isnt gone but I sometimes feels like I am grieving.  I get angry at the disease that put her there. I cry because I know the chances of survival are lower. I say I miss her mostly to myself. I have bargained with God. Next moment I have full faith that she will survive this. Then there is the thing I wont tell anyone. I am afraid that if I say it or write it, it will come true and I cant handle that.
    At night and early morning seems the hardest. Possibly because those are times I call the hospital to check on her. I have had just a couple of nights I slept through the night and was asleep before 2am. I wake a few times in the night and when I do, I just want to call up there. Then I cry quietly and hope I can get back to sleep. 
    Right now, I feel sad. I feel like it is my fault she is where she is. I didn't force her to go to hospital sooner. I should have. When she stayed asleep the 2nd day, I should have forced her to go. If she dies they will blame me. And secretly I would agree with them. I dont know how she got it. I spent a lot of time with her and was very up close but I still tested negative. I wish I knew where she got it.
    I just want her to be ok. I want her to recover. I want things to go back to the way they were a month ago. 
  12. aperson

    Does it define me?

    By aperson,

    How do you heal from something you are unable to express? I started in this group hoping that being a faceless name on a screen would give me the safety I needed to express myself. I had hoped it would allow me to freely say what I had been holding on to for so long. It would reduce the depression and suicidal thoughts that haunt me. I thought I would finally lift the mask of happiness to reveal real happiness but it hasnt. I had hope. Nearly 10 years later and I still feel like I am wearing the mask. Even more so than I had before. 
    I was on here and reading post thinking how easily others can put words to their experience. How well they openly talked about those experiences and the steps they were taking to move forward. I thought how brave, strong and resilient are they? I want to be that one day. Every day I would try to be just that. Every day I failed. Thoughts came but they didnt make it past my head. I couldnt put those thoughts or feelings into words. I couldnt get past the fear that whatever I put someone, everyone, would read it and laugh or think how dumb is this person. They dont belong here. 9 years and I still believe these thongs.
    I spend 30 mins trying to pour out the anger, sadness, hurt and shame. Nothing. I try just starting with what happened. Nothing. So I am thinking that after all this time, the fight to not allow a trauma past to define me has been lost. It does define me and more than just lack of trust and being cautious. It defines every thought I have. It defines my sleep. It defines who I am as a daughter, sister, aunt and friends. It defines the words I use. It defines my dress. It defines every part of who I am as a person.
    I do not have the tools to let it not. I dont want it to. The life I am living is filled with distrust of the world around me. My decisions always lead to being based on the images of a young girl or a teenager who is still living with a secret. I feel as if I will always be alone on dealing with the trauma. The sleepless nights will be who I am.
    So now what? What can I do when nothing can be expressed? How do I move forward and enjoy the last half of my life with these feelings piling up? How do I let it not define the 2nd half of my life?  It's not easy and I fear that no matter how hard I try, I will continue to fail. 
  13. aperson
    I have understood from a very early age that I am ugly externally. No one says it but there are the comments and comparisons that let you know you are not attractive or even cute. 
    I have always been the heaviest of my closest family and friends. As a child it amounted to being 1 clothes size bigger than those my age. But hearing other's comments I thought I was just the fattest thing ever. I recently looked at some old photos and thought I wasnt that large. I even looked normal. In the eyes of a child those words had me thinking I was the world's fattest kid. People always suggested what I shouldn't eat or drink so I 'didnt get bigger' or I 'wouldnt fit my new clothes'. That was quite defeating to be told I shouldnt have what everyone else had because I was fat. So I snuck them whenever I could. Sweets and food would disappear. I would sneak trash to the bottom of the can so no one would know. Every trip to the store brought a new stash of sweets. 
    Aside from being fat, there is the fact that I wasnt cute. At least not as cute as everyone else. I was the darkest in my family, I was fat, my face didnt scream pretty. My hair although thick and shoulder length much of my life was nappy. I was the girl that couldnt sweat because my natural afro hair would come through. Add that to the comparison to the other girls my age and I was settled on my ugly fatness. No boys approached me for me. They wanted to know about my cousins or sister or the girl in my class. 
    So when people say you have to love yourself I cant even imagine what that feels like or looks  like. I am still trying to like myself in pieces. I am still the 'fat girl'. I still am approached about everyone but myself. When I gain the strength to look in the mirror I see nothing attractive. As I have developed a lazy eye over the years, I see even more ugliness than before. I have attempted to find the nice things about me but that doesnt last long. The hair is still shoulder length but lack of taking care of myself has left it brittle and dry. The nose seems wider than I recall. My lips once thinner have become so full and dark that I try to sick them in to make them smaller. The eyes that I once admired are old and tired looking added to the one that is always looking left.
    Personality? I have none. I am not the one to go out and party. Friends? I have aquaitances. People I communicate with but we can go years without speaking. When we do, I have nothing to talk about. I wasnt a rebeling teenager nor did I have wild and crazy 20s. I have learned to joke about my deformities before other's can. It hurts less that way. Well, they cant see how much it hurts at least.
    So love myself?! 40 years and I am still trying to like parts of me. I am still trying to find something that I can appreciate about myself. Maybe that's why I didnt tell people about what happened. A part of me enjoyed the attention. Someone liked me. Someone didnt think I was fat or ugly. That actually sounds very sick when I think about it. 
    Anyway, in the continued effort to be more open and honest with myself and others, I put this here. It isnt to gain compliments. It is to acknowledge my feelings in a hope that one day I can express them in my day-to-day life. Hope that this is my path towards healing myself.
  14. aperson

    Heartbroken and sad

    By aperson,

    I am so heartbroken by the message I got yesterday. I cancelled all of my meetings. I spent more time crying at work than actually working. My boss sent me an email that she hadnt heard about a petition. In the afternoon she came to talk with me. She wanted to know who told me. I know who told me but they are not part of our organization so telling her who it was is pointless plus I dont know who said they were doing the petition and neither does the person who told me. She asked if there was anything she could do. She insisted that what they say is not true and that she never has had any complaints or concerns come to her. As much as I tried, I cried because that is all that I could do. she told me to stay home Friday but I know all I will do is cry and have troubled sleep so I declined. She says she has told no one else. I dont know that I believe any of what she says right now.
    I cancelled all meetings  for Friday as well. I am only speaking when required. If I am not hiding because I am crying I sit at my desk and try to focus. I am moving as best as I can. I just want to not go to work but if I dont keep going in, I wont go back at all. I am literally crushed right now. I came home and force myself to eat and then slept for 5 hours. I dont know what to do. I dont know who to trust and I feel completely alone. There is no one I can talk to about this who I feel is not biased. I am lost. I am damaged. I started deciding what was the best way for me to die. Although I have these thoughts regularly, I have not planned it in almost a year. Realizing what I was doing only added to the sadness. It felt like I was attempting to make some progress only to be setback. 
    I have no reason to believe the messenger has ill intentions. They are not in my department. The dont typically communicate with anyone from my area. I trust them and dont trust them at the same time. That probably doesnt make a ton of sense to anyone else but it does to me. I cannot fully concentrate. It is even worse than my normal lack of concentrate. I am just lost. The best thing for me to do is just try to go to sleep.
  15. aperson

    'The Tale'

    By aperson,

    I watched a movie the other night called 'The Tale'. I am not always one who reads the overview of a movie. The title catches my eye and I watch. This is one I probably should have passed on but I couldnt stop watching because I related so well to it. It is about a woman who receives a story she wrote when she was younger from her mom. The story was about a young girl who was manipulated and sexually assaulted. The film spends the rest of the time with her trying to reconcile the story with her memories from 30 years ago. 
    This is what I feel like daily. I feel like I have these memories that feel unreal. I feel like I documented something years ago, blocked it out and rewrote it. Now, my mimd is trying to determine which is the truth. Was I that young? Were there that many? Was it all a lie? A fabrication because I needed a tale? A reason forbeing the way I am. I know that the thoughts werent 'planted' by anyone. By the time I soughttherapy, the memories were already present. 
    I want to believe my memories and say that I am doubting myself because I was very young at the start. How can you trust the idea that a 5yr old or younger recalls something like that accurately? Or that a 12 yr old recalls her memories from that age accurately. Did I fill in the 'blanks' with what I believe is a plausible explanation? 
    In my head, it all seems extremely real. My emotions react to the memories. My body reacts to the memories. I feel negative responses when I think too long about the times it happened. The doubt creeps in though. I start to question the details. I start to wonder if I inserted a detail for a part I couldnt recall. Did something I felt was inappropriate happen and it was completely innocent?
    Because I do have such specific memories of before, during and after the events I am trying to have faith that they are true. It would be difficult for a child who hasnt experienced it to have such details and remain consistent. 
    Realistically, I should have turned this movie off as soon as I saw where it was going. The fact is I related too well and couldnt turn it off. Most other films deal with someone lying about it or drunk or drugged or have memories planted by someone else to explain their behaviour. In this case, it was none of those. The only difference is she seemed to block out much of it includimg what she looked like at that age. Picturing herself curvier and fuller and more adult-like. I can see myself as the child I was. 
    Part of healimg for me is to resolve the doubt. Until I do so, I will be stuck. I will always be moving in a circle. Always reverting to past behaviours when I think I have made.some progress. It isnt progress though. Its a pointless effort that I will have to repeat when the cycle comes back around. The woman in the film confirms what happened with another person, her mom and confronts the abuser. There is no one who can confirm it for me. I cannont comfront some of them because they are dead or have moved on in life. Others have family ties. As a cousin of mine says, we have enough broken branches on the family tree. Anymore and it will be a dead tree. And there is the one that I just cant. It has been my hope that confronting them is not required in my healing. They are all pretty dead to me. I dont speak with them at all. I may be proven wrong later. If so then that is when I will do it.
    Today, the doubt is minimal and tamed. That is all I can ask for. 
  16. aperson

    Is a title needed?

    By aperson,


    Venting
    I just want to run away. Away from people. Away from the world. Away from hope. Away from sadness. I just want to be away. It amazes me how people just pack up and leave everything behind. Start over. I don't like saying I have regrets in life. I have poor decisions that came with bad consequences. Some major, some minor. 
    Strength. I lack it in many ways. Some say I am strong because of the way I can handle some situations. If they only knew. I live life like a deer in headlights. In shock and fear and too stunned to move from the spot I am in. Hoping that whatever is coming at me will stop within inches of me. Resigned to the fact that it won't and I will be crushed but alive. I wish I was as strong as everyone believes I am. I wish that despite that they still felt the need to comfort me. To see behind the shield. Guess that is kind of my fault though, huh? Spending time trying to live up to expectations of perfection and strength. Trying to be the person they think they see. Makes it harder to say this is no me. This is what I need at this moment. 
    I need to feel safe. I need to feel wanted because I am me. I need not to feel unworthy. I need not to feel broken. I need to not fear asking for what I need. I made a plan in my head that I would get a hug because I needed it. It was a hard day. I didn't get it because, instinctively, they knew I wouldn't allow it. Shut down before I could ask the question.
    Some would say, don't even try to keep up the facade anymore. Let it go. What is the worst that could happen?  You get your needs met? No. The worst that could and does happen is that your depression and your true feelings are a bit too much. You are a bit too broken. It's too intense. Sometimes it is a bit too silent. Sometimes it is a bit repetitive. 
    I cry a lot now days. In bed, staring at the wall, back turned away from the door. Being a live in babysitter, cook, housekeeper, relationship therapist and taxi cab. Responsible for a family that isn't directly mine because those that should be responsible seem to have other priorities. Or have the benefit of not caring but giving financial support as required. I should be grocery shopping now but I am out of ideas and they have no input. Not even what they want to have for snacks. I am the hired help who gets no pay and no days off. What it must be like to have little responsibility for the life you created?
    I guess that could apply to me. I created this life. I did out of necessity.  A minor not getting a daily meal is kind of not allowed. 
    I don't know. None of this means anything because I am stuck. No fight. No flight. Just a deer in headlights. Waiting for the thing coming at me to decide my fate. I wish it offered me the mercy People say I should give myself.
  17. aperson
    It's been about a week that this mild insomnia has been going on. It started slowly months ago. I went from going to bed at a decent hour to staying up until 1 or 2 am. Now I am at no sleep or sleeping at 3 or 4 am. It's one of those things that spirals out of control before you become aware of it or why it happened.
    But I know why. I know how it started and why. Partially my fault because I cant say no. I removed myself from a stressful position to a much less stressful job. Best move at the time for many reasons. But opportunities have presented themselves in the new job and I couldnt say no. The start to being sucked in again. Probably because I really want to be accepted and I really want to prove I am capable. Just as good as anyone else and worth a chance. Those insecurities get me every time. Sucks me into situations I then feel trapped by. So here I am, getting back into a stressful position that I may come to resent soon. Slightly already do. And I sort of dislike that about myself. I like it because it keeps me learning and thinking. I dont like it because I dont know how to say enough.
    Been that way since I can remember. Always wanted to be accepted by people. Have a friend to go through life with. Be valued by people. Be liked by people. That wasnt the case for me. I am sure there are many things that contributed to that. Dealing with a drug addicted father as a young child. Dealing with parents who didnt seem to like each other let alone love each other. Having younger siblings who seemed more adaptable to those issues. And of course dealing with trauma from a young age. It's funny how they all seem to link together though. They all taught me that love is quite conditional. That bad things are not to be discussed with anyone. That trust is not given freely as it will be abused and misused.
    Kids didnt deal with me at school. Not bullied, just ignored. The talked amongst themselves about me. They made comments that at the time I didnt understand. It took a long time for me to realize that what they said wasnt mean but it wasnt that nice either. It was hard to see my sister and brother move much easier through school. While kids ignored me, they flocked to my siblings. Kind of hard moving through school eating and playing alone. Hoping that you can choose to be odd man out so you dont have to be on display as odd man out. Teachers found me easy as a student but wished I would socialize more. Not sure who I was to socialize with though. The kids didnt want me with them.
    But they had no clue what I was dealing with. Home life sucked most days. I was holding on to more secrets than should have been required. And I had no outlet either. So add those things together and you get suicidal me at 13. Not allowed to return to school without an evaluation. The evaluation ended up in a 30 days stay on the kid's psych ward. Trying to figure out how do I share as little as possible and still get out. Knowing once I do, I will return to some of the same nonsense or worst. My father no longer did drugs but their marriage was still broken. I still had trauma that wasnt being dealt with and there was no way I was going to start then. They would not keep me ever again!!  So I suffered in silence. I kept those things that were hurtful inside under lock and key. But I still hurt. I still experienced trauma.
    So there I was my first year of college and feeling like that young child again. I am hundreds of miles from anyone I know, afraid and scared. And feeling like these people dont want me around either. Here come hospital stay number 2. Much briefer than the first but I had learned the system. Say as little as possible and stay out your room. I left that stay trusting even less. I was looking for help but abandoned. I returned to school with a requirement of weekly counseling for the semester. The hardest thing was maintaining the facade on days where I just couldnt anymore. They were not sending me back. I would not have my parents called. They were now in the midst of their first divorce.  It wasnt messy but it is divorce.
    2 years later, I felt like I had to deal with this mess inside so I started counseling. Who would have thought it would be disastrous. Ok, it wasnt another hospital stay but it wasnt productive either. 95% of the time I spent in total silence or crying. Either way trying to form words that I forced myself to never speak of to any one. Well the result was me being kuck out of school for horrible grades because I just couldnt cope any more. But I cant tell anyone.
    Here I am 20 years later and facing the same dilemma. I need to vocalize these things I am holding on to but I cant. I cant put them out there so they keep me up at night trying to figure out how to not become swallowed by them and give in to what they tell me is best. It is now 630am and they fight to remain they only thing I think about. I am weak.  I am tired. I feel like giving in.
  18. aperson
    I keep trying to write something but none of it feels right. If feels forced. It feels required. It feels censored. Today I dont want to feel any of those things. Just know, I am not OK. I am not fine. I am not managing. I am hanging on by a thin thread most days. Stretched well beyond what I thought possible.I reached out and then pulled back. Why? Who knows. Because that is what I do. Because the help didnt feel like help. 
     
     
  19. aperson

    Close to the edge

    By aperson,

    I feel like I am getting close to a breaking point and there is no one I can turn to. I am being swallowed by the pain. There are storms building up inside and they will merge into one soon. I just dont know that I can stop what is coming. 
    This pain is so unbearable. Living with the hurt and shame is unbearable. I just want to not feel this bad so much. I want to stop remembering and feeling. They haunt me. They taunt me by living life like I didnt exist. Enjoying their days and building more relationships. I sit and try not to feel them touching me. I feel the shame. I know everyone else sees it too. I need to visit the river. To sit by it and listen to it rush by. 
  20. aperson

    Just need to let it out some way

    By aperson,


    Life
    So this is one of those times that I really wish I was completely different type of person. Instead of sheltering everything inside, I wish I let everything out. Well at least most things. Right now I feel anxiety swelling up but there is no one to reach out to. I shelter so much of myself that I have shut the world out and people I have known for years.
    Now there is no one to reach out to and say I need a safer space. No one to reach out to and say I am not ok. No one to reach out to and say can you just sit while I try and process these feelings that I cant verbalize. 
    Dec has always been a difficult time of year. This year proved no different. 2 weeks before Christmas, I receive a call from my mama. She sounds off. Her speech is slurred and broken. She believes she has had a stroke and says I dont need to come over. If she didnt have a stroke she had definitely lost her mind saying that. She tells me her symptoms which includes decreased functionality on her right side. Inside I panic. So I check to see if she is tired. She is a diabetic and has a history of diabetic ketoacidosis.  Some symptoms are the same but she gets extremely tired. She says no. I am awake and alert since 9am. It is now 11am. Not DKA. Is it possible my 62 yr old mother had a stroke? Internal panic. Strokes can be deadly. How long she been this way? I got to tell my boss. Should I call ambulance? I got to go. So I tell her well I need to finish a few things and I will call you in 20 mins and hang up. 20 mins my butt. I message my boss, throw on some clothes and head there.
    I call her while driving to see if anything changed. It hadnt. Still the same. Lord please dont let me get stopped for speeding. While talking to her I let her know I am 10 mins out and if sge had stroke we are going to ER. She said no, let's call my dr. Lady are you freaking crazy?! Call your dr for what? To meet us at ER? Yes mama we can call but I think they will agree to go to ER.
    I am there and start to access her. She is moving slowly and with a limp. Is the right side of he face drooping a little? Mama can you smile? Yep there is a droop. I call her dr whose nurse said go to ER. My mother says I have to fix my hair. Mama no one cares what you look lik. Dont she know time is of the essence. She wont go without her hair combed. Fine. Let me do it then.
    Finally, we are on the road. Lord dont let anything happen while we are driving. Lord let this all be ok and we are wrong. I know what happens with DKA. ER is packed. All these people cant be sick enough for ER. I explain to checkin nurse and they wheel her back immediately. An eternity goes by, well like 20 mins , and they say you can come with her. We will take her for CT scan in a few. Sure enough they come and she is back in 5 mins flat. Then we wait. And wait and wait. 9hrs. That's how long before a room was available. So I guess she wasn't serious enough. 10 mins and dr does assessment. He says we also believe you had a stroke but not sure of cause. Good thing is there is no bleeding. I guess that explains the 9hr wait. He says you will be staying with us for a few while we try to determine cause and treatment and monitor you. Lord please dont let there be a 9hr wait for a bed. 90 mins later she is in ICU. She explains that she has had symptoms since 4am. WTH?!? I want to fuss at her but dont. If she is as scared as I am it wont help. Both dr and I notice her speech isnt as slurred but she still has to think about how to say a word. Her weakness on right is still present but stronger now. The droop in her face is visible but not as crooked. Her body is recovering. She spends the next  4 days at hospital showing progress.  The cause is a blood clot possibly cause by atrial fibrillation. It isnt constant as never showed up in hospital. Physical therapy and speech therapy needed. Of course blood thinners as well.
    So that should be the end, no. The dr advises that although this was mild the likelihood of another in 90 days was high. Excuse me sir? So she could have a bigger one soon? That is when the anxiety set in. She cant be alone for awhile. Not just because of that but she is still unstable on her feet.  So I send my niece to stay with her until Christmas Eve. I tell her what to look out for. She already knows what to look out for on her diabetes. Now she knows for a stroke. My mother is married but her husband works nights. So do I need to move in for a few days? She doesnt want me there but I may need to. She is not going to take Life Alert bracelet. She also diesnt want me to move in because she wants to be independent. So I am giving her leeway. But I am internally panicking everytime she calls.  Does she sound ok? Why she didnt answer my call? Why she not answering my text? She got 10 mins then I am going over there.
    This is my daily battle on top of everything else. And right now I just want to cry those feelings away with a safe person in a safe place. I have the place but not the person so it looks more pathetic than anything. For now, it will hve to do.
  21. aperson

    Just scared

    By aperson,


    Life
    My mother has had another stroke/TIA. They are not sure why. She now has a pronounced limp with her left leg. And at this point I will probably need to move in with her so she has care while her husband is working.
    At this point I am just scared. If they dont know the cause, how many more episodes will she have before a major stroke? Just terrified and no one else can know. 
  22. aperson
    I thought being a caregiver for my mom after 2 strokes, a seizure and watching her diabetes would be simple. I take care of her needs and get her to her appointments and make sure she takes her meds and gets her home health physical and occupational therapy done. I watch for signs of her diabetes acting up and signs of another stroke. It's hard but simple, right? What I didn't expect is theneedto handle her mental health.
    I mean, I barely know how to manage my own mental health, how do I manage hers. And I saw the signs forming. Even during her hospital and rehab for 2 weeks, I saw it. The longer she stayed and the less answers the could provide, she was starting to falter. Now that she is home, she isn't just bouncing back and the new meds keep her tired. The more she wants to be back to normal, the less she is. So how do I help her with that? She doesn't have stamina to be out for longer than 30 mins and physically she cannot walk more than 5 ft without being fatigued so taking her places is out of the question. Plus we are in the middle of a potential winter storm so we cant go out and no one can come by. So what do I do? I am working during the week and her husband works overnights. 
    I don't know how to do this part. I am a fixer but I cant fix this. They didn't show me how to handle her emotional health but people tell you how to manage mine as a caregiver. I dont know what to do. And I am trying not to let it show but it is starting to show. I watch her closer. I sleep for as little as I can especially at night. I can feel myself getting helpless to care for her needs. Because I am her child she doesnt feel comfortable confiding in me that way but I know and I see it and I feel like my hands are tied.
    I need to figure out my next steps or she will not recover well.
  23. aperson

    Need to regroup

    By aperson,

    I have done a pretty poor job of making daily entries. Some days have been more difficult than I planned on. Some thoughts have been a lot harder to put in a private public forum. Finding words to express the inner chaos has been trying to say the least.
    The current theme has been sadness and shame. Sadness is a common daily theme. It never goes away. Planning for a future while trying to come to terms with a past makes a lot of mistakes and errors. Why? The future sometimes is hard to see. Some days future is getting to the next hour. It is hard trying to mask feelings all day and being overwhelmed with them at night. Waking to start over again. Shame. No matter how much I think or someone says I should feel no shame I still do. I get much of it is due to me looking at it from what I know now not then. If I was talking to someone else, I could lay out all the reasons to support what I am saying. For me, there are 'special' rules. I hold myself to a higher standard. It may not be logical to some but it makes sense to me. Most times. There is the physical 'scar' that I see daily. It is one I thought I had begun to heal but that was an illusion. I realize that it has always been an issue. One I can temporarily handle but will always haunt me. How many others see it? I wonder if they will confront me on it? If they do, what will I do? Run. Cry. Hide. 
    I am in need of some 'me' time. Time to myself where I can let the emotions surface without fear of being caught and having to explain. Time to organize my mind. Time to refocus and try to gain some positive feelings back. Wish me luck. 
  24. aperson

    Intro...

    By aperson,

    I have been contemplating reinstating my journaling. It was helpful to calm my mind at night so I can rest. Because of nosey family, a handwritten journal (which I love) is not an option. Then I saw this. Worried at first. It means my thoughts are seen by strangers who can respond. I had to realize the benefits outweigh the negatives.
    I am hoping to do this daily, good and bad. I am hoping I can look back and see actual progress one day. I am hoping to find a voice for those things I cant most days. 
    I joined this site to try to find peace with my past and my actions during a difficult childhood. More than 30 years of pain silenced and building up. Years holding on to a secret that I am not prepared to release to those in my life.
    So we will see how this goes. Lord, give me strength to keep this up. 
    Day 1
    It's been a calm day mostly. My nephew and his girlfriend have broken up...gain. this tome he seems to be gaining a backbone. I like her but I find her a manipulator. Maybe he is realizing this now. I say good for him.
    I have been able to curb most thoughts today with a movie or crocheting. Someone gave me the idea to crochet for newborns and donate to the hospitals. So I am going to try and see how it goes. Lol I am slow so it will take me months. Good thing  babies are born daily. 
    There is the joy of work in the morning. I love my job. It challenges me daily. My boss and other supervisors are amazing. I manage about 30 people. Some days ot os like a day care full of 5 yr olds. Other days they amaze me as well. I only hope I am showing them as well as someone showed me. Monday is my most stressful work day and it can set the pace for the rest of my week. 
    Sunset will be the bigger issue. Thats when the anxiety goes in overdrive. The thoughts then multiply like cells. Every thought leads to 2 other thoughts. That will be the issue.
    Maybe I should do this then. When I am in the midst. When I am on the verge of tears and in need of a listening ear. 
  25. aperson
    Another week has come and gone and I still know nothing. I called the dr office 3 times. The first time, the dr called and left a message. Since I was working I couldnt answer. She apologized and said she was out for the rest of the day but to call and tell them if ok to leave results on a message. I call back and then nothing. I waited until Monday to call again. The nurse tells me she is out until Tuesday and will leave a message for her. I tell her I am a bit anxious about it. She says that considering the dr isnt calling urgently and she hasnt given her a head's up that something is wrong they are probably ok.
    Here we are on Wednesday and still nothing. So for my sanity, I am going to say the results are ok and think only of the 2 options I have to make. I cant keep stressing and waiting for the phone to ring. Or checking my email every 5 mins like a basket case.  If she calls, fine. If she doesnt fine. I will worry about it more if I have additional symptoms. Going to another dr is beyond what I am capable of at this moment. It took me weeks to choose her. It would be weeks to research another. I just dont have the energy to do that.
    Dont get me wrong, her bedside manner is great and she has been very underdtanding. She doesnt talk down to me or try to shame me. Until this, she has been great. Sometimes I think dr and most service professionals should be put in their client's position. Maybe then they would understand better. Maybe they will get the anxiety that we feel waiting on info about our care that only they have. Sometimes holding the answer to life or death. 
    So today is the last day I will spend allowing these results to determine my life. Well....I am going to try very hard to make today the last day.
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