It's been about a week that this mild insomnia has been going on. It started slowly months ago. I went from going to bed at a decent hour to staying up until 1 or 2 am. Now I am at no sleep or sleeping at 3 or 4 am. It's one of those things that spirals out of control before you become aware of it or why it happened.
But I know why. I know how it started and why. Partially my fault because I cant say no. I removed myself from a stressful position to a much less stressful job. Best move at the time for many reasons. But opportunities have presented themselves in the new job and I couldnt say no. The start to being sucked in again. Probably because I really want to be accepted and I really want to prove I am capable. Just as good as anyone else and worth a chance. Those insecurities get me every time. Sucks me into situations I then feel trapped by. So here I am, getting back into a stressful position that I may come to resent soon. Slightly already do. And I sort of dislike that about myself. I like it because it keeps me learning and thinking. I dont like it because I dont know how to say enough.
Been that way since I can remember. Always wanted to be accepted by people. Have a friend to go through life with. Be valued by people. Be liked by people. That wasnt the case for me. I am sure there are many things that contributed to that. Dealing with a drug addicted father as a young child. Dealing with parents who didnt seem to like each other let alone love each other. Having younger siblings who seemed more adaptable to those issues. And of course dealing with trauma from a young age. It's funny how they all seem to link together though. They all taught me that love is quite conditional. That bad things are not to be discussed with anyone. That trust is not given freely as it will be abused and misused.
Kids didnt deal with me at school. Not bullied, just ignored. The talked amongst themselves about me. They made comments that at the time I didnt understand. It took a long time for me to realize that what they said wasnt mean but it wasnt that nice either. It was hard to see my sister and brother move much easier through school. While kids ignored me, they flocked to my siblings. Kind of hard moving through school eating and playing alone. Hoping that you can choose to be odd man out so you dont have to be on display as odd man out. Teachers found me easy as a student but wished I would socialize more. Not sure who I was to socialize with though. The kids didnt want me with them.
But they had no clue what I was dealing with. Home life sucked most days. I was holding on to more secrets than should have been required. And I had no outlet either. So add those things together and you get suicidal me at 13. Not allowed to return to school without an evaluation. The evaluation ended up in a 30 days stay on the kid's psych ward. Trying to figure out how do I share as little as possible and still get out. Knowing once I do, I will return to some of the same nonsense or worst. My father no longer did drugs but their marriage was still broken. I still had trauma that wasnt being dealt with and there was no way I was going to start then. They would not keep me ever again!! So I suffered in silence. I kept those things that were hurtful inside under lock and key. But I still hurt. I still experienced trauma.
So there I was my first year of college and feeling like that young child again. I am hundreds of miles from anyone I know, afraid and scared. And feeling like these people dont want me around either. Here come hospital stay number 2. Much briefer than the first but I had learned the system. Say as little as possible and stay out your room. I left that stay trusting even less. I was looking for help but abandoned. I returned to school with a requirement of weekly counseling for the semester. The hardest thing was maintaining the facade on days where I just couldnt anymore. They were not sending me back. I would not have my parents called. They were now in the midst of their first divorce. It wasnt messy but it is divorce.
2 years later, I felt like I had to deal with this mess inside so I started counseling. Who would have thought it would be disastrous. Ok, it wasnt another hospital stay but it wasnt productive either. 95% of the time I spent in total silence or crying. Either way trying to form words that I forced myself to never speak of to any one. Well the result was me being kuck out of school for horrible grades because I just couldnt cope any more. But I cant tell anyone.
Here I am 20 years later and facing the same dilemma. I need to vocalize these things I am holding on to but I cant. I cant put them out there so they keep me up at night trying to figure out how to not become swallowed by them and give in to what they tell me is best. It is now 630am and they fight to remain they only thing I think about. I am weak. I am tired. I feel like giving in.