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Does it define me?

aperson

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How do you heal from something you are unable to express? I started in this group hoping that being a faceless name on a screen would give me the safety I needed to express myself. I had hoped it would allow me to freely say what I had been holding on to for so long. It would reduce the depression and suicidal thoughts that haunt me. I thought I would finally lift the mask of happiness to reveal real happiness but it hasnt. I had hope. Nearly 10 years later and I still feel like I am wearing the mask. Even more so than I had before. 

I was on here and reading post thinking how easily others can put words to their experience. How well they openly talked about those experiences and the steps they were taking to move forward. I thought how brave, strong and resilient are they? I want to be that one day. Every day I would try to be just that. Every day I failed. Thoughts came but they didnt make it past my head. I couldnt put those thoughts or feelings into words. I couldnt get past the fear that whatever I put someone, everyone, would read it and laugh or think how dumb is this person. They dont belong here. 9 years and I still believe these thongs.

I spend 30 mins trying to pour out the anger, sadness, hurt and shame. Nothing. I try just starting with what happened. Nothing. So I am thinking that after all this time, the fight to not allow a trauma past to define me has been lost. It does define me and more than just lack of trust and being cautious. It defines every thought I have. It defines my sleep. It defines who I am as a daughter, sister, aunt and friends. It defines the words I use. It defines my dress. It defines every part of who I am as a person.

I do not have the tools to let it not. I dont want it to. The life I am living is filled with distrust of the world around me. My decisions always lead to being based on the images of a young girl or a teenager who is still living with a secret. I feel as if I will always be alone on dealing with the trauma. The sleepless nights will be who I am.

So now what? What can I do when nothing can be expressed? How do I move forward and enjoy the last half of my life with these feelings piling up? How do I let it not define the 2nd half of my life?  It's not easy and I fear that no matter how hard I try, I will continue to fail. 



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@aperson You have made a huge step joining AS. To me that means that you have admitted to yourself that you have survived a trauma (or more.?) 

Take your time. 10 years may not be enough time if it's too traumatic. For others, speaking just comes easy. For me I was tired of being quiet I needed to get these things off of my chest, why did it flow so easily for me? I don't know. I still feel like I'm hiding behind a mask of happiness. I still have a lot left to deal with that I can't talk about. I think it also depends on what happened in your life, were you always suppressed, told you were nothing, told that no one wanted to hear what you had to say, or no one would believe you? Something like that can be very debilitating. Your body and mind willet you open up when it's ready. You have to trust it.

I'm sorry that you feel like you have less trust in the world after joining. I could see why. Hearing about all of these stories is very difficult and makes you wonder where or when it could happen.

I'm still new to this, I really don't have any answers for you, but I do have a lot of safe hugs.

There are so many others that re silently struggling and many that have taken it to their grave, you have taken steps towards healing and to beat this. So many safe hugs.

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@Bluesclues Thank you for the encouragement. I agree with you about other things influencing the ability to express one's self. I cannot recall that happening with the trauma. Maybe it comes from other areas in my life. Maybe that is the key.

I dont mean the fact that I am more reserved now than before joining to be anything negative of AS. I have certainly taken a huge break because as you said it is difficult knowing all these members are hurting as I do. I think that it has more to do with the fact that I cant open up so why even bother others. I hope that makes a little sense. AS has certainly helped me believe in the possibility of healing.

Patience with myself is something I lack. I havent given up the fight to be a better me. I didnt know how long taking the first step would take. 

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