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My mind

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About this blog

I wanted to have a place to put my thoughts for people who can relate with how I feel and understand what I’m going through 

Entries in this blog

Session #4

Today’s session went really well. This time I went in prepared. I had made up my mind that I was going to talk about some of the hard stuff. So this morning when I woke up I made a list of all the things I wanted to talk about. I gave her the list and let her pick what ever order she wanted. I felt like it was way more progress then we would of with out the list. I felt like I finally opened up more to her and I’m glad i did. I’m ready to heal and move forward. We actually got to start talking a

Survive95

Survive95

Cutting

Sometimes I just want to cut. I feel numb all the time like I have no real emotions if that makes sense. I’ve even had really rough sex (I usually like it) but I didn’t feel anything It didn’t even feel like we were doing anything. So I just cut it’s like it’s the only thing I ever feel anymore. So when i feel numb or just blah I just cut. I know it’s not a solution but it’s the only thing that I seem to actually feel and I don’t cut because I want to die or anything just so I can feel. I don’t

Survive95

Survive95

Having a break down

O feel so tired and so overwhelmed like I don’t know what to do anymore I know I’ve said it before but this feeling keeps getting stronger and stronger and every day gets harder and harder my mom keeps calling and messaging me and she keeps saying sorry. To be honest FUCK her appoligy I don’t want her to appoligize!! I’m so tired of everyone saying how all these people need me! FUCK MAN WHAT ABOUT ME!! What about what I need. To be honest I don’t even know what I need. I feel like I’m falling of

Survive95

Survive95

Having a bad night

I talked to my middle brother today and he started talking about my oldest brother that Sa me and he kept taking his side and kept talking about he’s his protector and how he’ll always be here for him no matter what and I just stayed on the phone and didn’t say anything I wish that I could of just told him what happened and maybe he would take my side and maybe he would actually protect me sometimes I get so mad because I always wanted my middle brother to be there for me and even when my dad R

Survive95

Survive95

Feelings

I feel kind of disconnected from everything and everyone I feel so numb like I have no feelings at all I just feel so tired so empty I just want to feel like I belong somewhere i just don’t wanna feel like I need to hide all these secrets anymore and I have tons of secrets and they’re all eating me alive 

Survive95

Survive95

Just ranting

I can’t stand all the memories that are coming back and all the triggers I’m having it sucks so bad I hate how angry I am I can feel myself taking it out on everyone but it’s not there fault I had a chance to talk to my counselor about it but I was to afraid to say it out loud. I know I’ve only had 3 sessions so far but I really like her and I wish I could just come out and tell her everything that’s running in my head but it’s so hard I did trust someone before and they betrayed me and maybe th

Survive95

Survive95

Todays session

Today I went to counseling and I realized how much hate I have towards some people I realized that the people I thought cared about me really doesn’t I just want them to care about me and I hate it cause I have such a grudge towards my mom and I just really don’t want to talk to her anymore I’m so tired of wanting people to love me and to care and they are the ones that don’t care about the way I feel I hate that I’m in such a bad place and that I keep trying to push my husband away it’s definet

Survive95

Survive95

Feeling worthless

I figured if I kept telling myself I was okay then maybe I would be okay but i guess it doesn’t work that way I’m feel so fragil and so vulnerable and so angry I’m so mad at myself and everyone else I can’t seem to deal anymore I just want it all to be over with all ready 

Survive95

Survive95

Hm

So apparently I have a face that I make when I start having one of my “moments” where I just kinda start freaking out inside. I never knew I had one tell it was pointed out to me. Now I feel like I have to be more aware so I can try to hid it even more. 

Survive95

Survive95

weird trrigger`??

so this morning it was really foggy and you couldn't even see the next stop sign a block away from you. As I was driving to drop my kids off I felt a pressure in my chest AMD fear just came over me and all of a sudden I was so scared and so paranoid I didn't know what to do. I was on a highway so I couldn't just pull over so I made it to drop my kids off. But I was so scared to get out of my car I kept thinking someone as going to run up on is and R me while my kids stood there and cried. I fina

Survive95

Survive95

making progress...maybe??

so I finally decided that I wanted to go see my dad in jail after the fact that he R me. I printed out the application to submit to be able to visit him. now I just have to mail it off. I'm not sure if I want to sill send it off or not but I did fill out the papers. I swear I feel like they want to know everything about you. I think they even do a background check to before your approved. I don't know how I feel about going through all this bs just to go visit the man that ruined my life in more

Survive95

Survive95

Confused and worried

So I got to work today and I just couldn’t face my friend today now that she knows my biggest secret I have I’ve told her secrets before but now she knows the biggest one I have so all day today I’ve been avoiding her at all coast I feel like things have changed like she looks at me differently no and now we are going to lunch tomorrow together and I don’t know what to do now what if she asks me what happened or what if she asks me about the time I had to climb out of a window to avoid being R a

Survive95

Survive95

Today

Feeling a little paranoid about work today. I just hope I don’t see that man today I don’t think I can take another break down. And then on top of that I finally told one of the girls that I work with why I had broken down the other day at work and so now she knows. I mean I’m happy that I told her. We’re really good friends I just dont want anything to change. I don’t want her to act different or look at me differently now that she knows.  Hoping nothing changes between each other because we ha

Survive95

Survive95

It happened

Yesterday was a horrible day I did end up having a break down at work and I had to tell one of the managers what was wrong so I could leave I feel absolutely defeated I always promised myself I would never break in public or infront of people and that’s exactly what happened now I don’t even want to go to work I know I have nothing to worry about because people at my job are understanding and my boss is amazing and won’t make a big deal about it as long as I’m okay but now I have to go face thes

Survive95

Survive95

Having a rough day at work

I posted a couple weeks ago about a bad dream I had and today the guy I dreamt about that was hurting me showed up to my job and insisted he needed to talk to me and tell me how beautiful I was and now I just feel sick and scared and just want to ball up in a little ball and hide in a corner somewhere I really just want to go home I don’t think I can make it through today at work my job is literally nothing but customer service so I have to be nice and shake it off but I just can’t seem to do it

Survive95

Survive95

Ugh

I just want to scream and cry at the same time I feel so much hatred pain and I feel so hurt I just don’t know what to do anymore😭😞🤬🤯

Survive95

Survive95

Me myself and my thoughts

As I sit here on the coach just wanting and needing someone to talk to I have no one I thought I finally had someone to talk to it ended up not working out and no I’m all alone again with no one to talk to with no one who cares just me myself and my thoughts and that’s the worst possible thing that can happen at this moment I just want to give up and say F*** it all!! 

Survive95

Survive95

Family

FAMILY our the ones that are suppose to be on your side  FAMILY our the ones that are suppose to love you no matter what FAMILY our the ones that suppose to protect you  but if family is suppose to do all those thing then why are they the ones who hurt us the most? 

Survive95

Survive95

Dear Dad

One thing I learned Helped me coupe with my feelings was to write a letter to my dad that sa me as a young child but I never mail it off I just put it away somewhere I can’t see but I know where it’s at so here’s another  as I lay here and cringe at the thought of going to sleep because I’m afraid to have another bad dream because of what you have done to me I think about how badly I wanted to believe you were a good guy and that you had changed that maybe I could have the dad I always want

Survive95

Survive95

Entry 1

I like to write as a way to help coupe with everything I’ve been through so I decided instead maybe I’ll start a blog and put it all on here for others to read and maybe I’ll post something that might help someone else or maybe not maybe nobody will even read my blog but ig it’s a chance I’m going to take

Survive95

Survive95

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