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Selma

Member
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    156
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About Selma

  • Birthday 03/10/1995

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Oregon
  • Interests
    Writing, poetry, reading, cooking, nature/outdoor activities.

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

Contact Methods

  • Yahoo
    Applegate20@yahoo.com

Recent Profile Visitors

1,859 profile views
  1. Intense therapy session ptsd got triggered. 

    1. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      I’m sorry your dealing with this. :( Sitting with you if ok? ❤️

    2. Selma

      Selma

      It’s a rough time. Thank you❤️

  2. It would be nice to have a chance to sit down and deal with my current issues without more shit piling on top of it. I know it’s life but this whole journey is becoming to much again. It’s like walking down a path of broken glass, your feet are bleeding and all cut up and you turn down another path only to find out there’s more glass on the road. You don’t have any other way to go so you have to keep going forward even though there’s glass on the road and if you go back there’s still gonna be glass on the road! To add to the bullshit I now might be a diabetic. I’m experiencing much of the symptoms since I was hospitalized on the 16th. I’ve missed quite a chunk of work the last two weeks because of it. Depression has reared its ugly head. I’m on meds for it but today it’s not helping. I feel like I’m headed for another mental breakdown. For the first time in a while I didn’t want to get out of bed today. I’m physically drained, emotionally exhausted and mentally...I just want to shut down again. I have fucking had it....😓😖 😪Maybe a shower, some tea and a good book to relax for a little while but first I need to meditate. I really am just so frustrated. Hopefully tomorrow is better.
  3. I can’t focus .My thoughts are going a million miles a minute.   I don’t want to start down the rabbit hole again.  

    1. snmls

      snmls

      Just try and take it a minute at a time. Don't forget to take deep breathes. Sitting with you if that is okay. 

    2. Selma

      Selma

      @snmls I did some meditation. I feel more grounded. Thanks 😊 

  4. All these intrusive thoughts swimming through my head again. It’s agonizing. I really feel I can’t trust a lot of people. I feel like if I opened up even more with every body They’d think I was crazy or gross or perverted. When I say open up I’m talking about my experiences with men after I was assaulted. I got into some weird things. It makes me question my preferences and if everything I love about sex and relationships comes from a dark and twisted place as I said in my last blog post. you love oral sex because Of M You like an aggressive man because M forced you to Perform. You love being pushed around, being forced to perform and do tricks like circus animal. Your a dirty girl. Your a filthy w**re. You can’t be loved. Your a perverted freak. all my relationships are a toxic blur. I’m trying to sort through it but it’s a huge mess. It feels like there is this horrible ugliness inside me.
  5. It feels like the last few years have been nothing but pain. Be it Physical, emotional or  spiritual pain  it just always seems to be there. I’m really feeling it today. I still have doubts about if there is something truly better in the future. 

    1. Celia

      Celia

      Sitting with you and hugs if okay. :console:

    2. Selma

      Selma

      Thank you Celia 🙂

    3. Celia

      Celia

      🙂

  6. Selma

    Twisted -TW

    Everything seems so distorted and tainted. I feel like my relationships and sexuality come from a dark place. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been traumatized and have been in bad situations. It’s hard to talk about because It makes me feel sick. Relationships, desires, and sexuality are suppose to make you feel liberated not like there’s something wrong with you. I got more promiscuous after I was sexually assaulted. I went on dates with men I barley knew and would let the man do what he wanted. Then I craved something different entirely. The way I can best explain it is apart of me felt I needed to be punished. And I wanted to find the people who could punish me. I found one man online who took me to a hotel and invited his friends over. They hit me and blindfolded me and had me perform various sex acts. I was all for this. It felt liberating and was a huge rush. When I got home I could barley walk Or sit down because of an injury I sustained. I remember not being able to look at myself in the mirror. I feel disgusting. The more I think on it the more I realize Whatever preference I have comes from somewhere twisted. I prefer older men because I’ve have always gotten attention from older men even as a child. My relationships with men aren’t always healthy. In fact I seem to find emotionally unavailable men, toxic men or sexual deviants. I like it rough and I like the man to have control. what is wrong with me?!? I feel like I am the problem and no matter how hard I try to find something good, I can’t . I feel unworthy and like some sort of freak even though I haven’t done anything super crazy anymore. I still have some of those lingering desires. I’ve been afraid to talk about this for fear of judgment but then again what have I got to loose? This has been on my mind and ever present as I try to move forward. It feels good getting it out in the open. Even if I’m viewed as a disgusting, sick person.
  7. Ptsd is killing me lately. I just want to feel normal and comfortable again. 

    1. samantha2009

      samantha2009

      @Selma sitting with you if ok? I hope you are feeling some relief from the pain today? Sending support to you 🌻

    2. Selma

      Selma

      Today is better for sure . Thanks Sam . 

  8. @mango_star1 it was defiantly troubling For the moment. I agree that people need to be mindful about Their actions at work and I think SH is something that needs to be talked about more in the workplace. I’m just glad I could carry on with my night. Thanks for the post! 😀
  9. Selma

    Goodbye you.

    Dear you, it’s been about five years now. You were in your thirties and I was 18 when we met. On our first date we had Chinese food and talked about ourselves, our families and the typical first date mumbo jumbo. Then we went back to your place and Learned more about each other in the physical sense. This was the basis of our relationship. Sex. This was fine at first but let’s be honest, after five years of the same type of sex, the same acts and circumstances etc.. things quickly became stagnant. Yet you seemed perfectly fine with things. This is partly my fault for not speaking up sooner. I dated you during the midst of a critical time in my life. And didn’t tell you what happened until the beginning of this year. I know you felt for me and you even opened up a bit more to me, for the moment then everything just went back to how it was. I don’t know what may have been going on in your life And you knew very little of mine for awhile. During these years I thought at one point I was falling in love with you. However, something felt wrong and now I realize what it was. Getting along with someone and having a genuine connection with a person are two entirely different things. We got along right up till the end there was never a spark or flame and I believe that at the end we really got to know each other better than in the five years we spent dating. Clearly you have no interest in a serious relationship which is fine. But I do. I want it now more than ever. What I can’t understand is why you are hanging onto me? We are doing each other no favors staying together. Why must you see me “one last time?” Based On what our relationship has been, I can imagine what you want to do. I may be young but I have a much clearer idea of what I am looking for and your not it. I know it hurts to say goodbye but you represent a turning point in my life. A point I started growing up and now I have outgrown you. It’s time to go now. I wish you luck. Goodbye.
  10. Selma

    The rollercoaster

    Before I was assaulted I experienced depression, anxiety, happiness, All emotions that we all have experienced at one point or another. With Depression, irritability and anxiety being common in the teenage years. It wasn’t till after my assault I saw a drastic change in my mental health. Life became a blind fury of feeling energetic and wonderfully content, not a problem in the world. Then time would slow and I felt like I slumped down into the deepest depression I had ever felt in my life. When it was coupled with the paranoia I experienced it became unbearable at times and life was like a nightmare. Things got intense and I began to shut down slipping into catatonic states for a little while. Talking with my new therapist i had told him what I had experienced before and after the assault and he came to the conclusion that I was bipolar. I dreaded having to deal with what happened to me While combating and coming to terms with having a mental illness. It all seemed hopeless and daunting to say the least. For awhile I just struggled in silence. Unsure of which direction to take and how to bounce back. I looked back and realized what I mistook for just teenage melodramas was a legitimate mental illness that had been amplified by my traumatic experience. Even to this day it can be hell. One thing I have been teaching myself is to be patient and acknowledge what I’m struggling with and have faith that I will be ok while taking comfort that I am truly not alone and I have found good people to rely upon. when I started my journey of healing I didn’t expect to have bipolar disorder tacked on. But there are certain aspects I am comfortable with combating . Writing and music are two ways that have really helped me cope and reflect. Meditation has been very useful for me as well. Each day is different but paying attention to and acknowledging what symptoms I have been experiencing have become incredibly important. It’s an uncomfortable rollercoaster ride some days but if this illness is gonna be with me best to take it day by day and Learn to heal from the episodes then be swallowed up by it.
  11. I feel like I’m further along In my sexual assault journey but there are still some days my ptsd gets the better of me. last week at work two male supervisors had come into the restroom I was cleaning at work and where talking with me. Little do they know it had caused a panic attack. I don’t like feeling cornered by a man or men. It freaks me out. After they left I had to take some time to breath and just focus on work . I reminded myself I was safe and soon after I felt much better. I feel bad because it’s nothing against anyone and it’s so irrational to feel like In regular day to day situations you will be harmed.
  12. A day without my demons in the  background would be heaven.... 

  13. The past two weeks have really opened my eyes. Even though I’m tired I need to keep going forward. .... 

  14. I’m alone in this. I need to accept it. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. BrightSide

      BrightSide

      I think you can feel lonely even with people around and all you need is someone who understands how you feel. I dont really know but I am willing to try.

    3. Selma

      Selma

      It’s complicated. I feel like a mess. On the verge of a breakthrough or a breakdown. 

    4. BrightSide

      BrightSide

      Im sorry your feeling so messy and so very rundown. Keep reaching out, selma. Ill sit with you for as long as you need.

  15. Having a panic attack...trying to breathe through it. 

    1. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      Very sorry. They are awful. Sitting with you. :console:

    2. Selma

      Selma

      I forced myself to do some trying that triggered it. Now I’m just wondering if it was the right move😕

    3. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      I think sometimes we just test ourselves. To see if the trigger still has that affect. We hope it doesn't, but we don't know unless we make ourselves try.

      Hoping you are better today, Selma. Still sitting with you. :hug: 

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