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About Selma

  • Birthday 03/10/1995

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    Writing, poetry, reading, cooking, nature/outdoor activities.

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  1. My birthday was yesterday and I can honestly say it wasn’t a good one. I had those uncomfortable feelings and depression creep up. I’m 25 and I feel like I have been stuck in square one my whole life and everything around me sounds like a broken record. This is also around the time I admitted to family what happened to me.so I feel my birthdays after that day have been tainted. But while my actual birthdate may not have been good I can still celebrate and do things to help lift the clouds. Though, it doesn’t help that a couple days before my ptsd was triggered. A man kept pressuring me for pictures and wanted to send pics of himself. He also kept talking in a very inappropriate manner to someone you’ve never met. It was through an online dating app. What really sealed it for me was the constant pressure he put on me as well as the total disregard for my protests and feelings. It reminded me of my attacker and how he pressured me. It really brought me back to that night. But instead of letting it consume me I contacted a friend of mine. He helped me stay in the present and reminded me that past circumstances do not define me and to not let someone like that make me feel like less of a person. As always I have my music. Along with a new gym membership complete with personal trainer so I can finally loose weight. Starting to do something about my weight has helped make me feel better and has helped with my nasty mood swings. My mind feels like it’s own hell at times and having things to focus on in the external world I’ve come to realize is crucial. Even channeling my thoughts and feelings into poems and writings has been helpful As well as challenging myself at work. Overall everything just feels the same. A constant battle with the demons inside and there’s seems to be more everyday. But so far I’ve kept my head relatively above water this time around and that’s something to be proud of I think.
  2. I’m alone in this. I need to accept it. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. BrightSide


      I think you can feel lonely even with people around and all you need is someone who understands how you feel. I dont really know but I am willing to try.

    3. Selma


      It’s complicated. I feel like a mess. On the verge of a breakthrough or a breakdown. 

    4. BrightSide


      Im sorry your feeling so messy and so very rundown. Keep reaching out, selma. Ill sit with you for as long as you need.

  3. Having a panic attack...trying to breathe through it. 

    1. MeBeMary


      Very sorry. They are awful. Sitting with you. :console:

    2. Selma


      I forced myself to do some trying that triggered it. Now I’m just wondering if it was the right move😕

    3. MeBeMary


      I think sometimes we just test ourselves. To see if the trigger still has that affect. We hope it doesn't, but we don't know unless we make ourselves try.

      Hoping you are better today, Selma. Still sitting with you. :hug: 

  4. I feel like my mind is melting and I’m trying to fight just to keep sane. Everything I thought mattered just doesn’t seem to anymore. 

    1. Mave


      That all sounds so overwhelming, Selma. Please keep fighting and know that I’m sitting with you, if that’s okay. You’re strong, and you can do this. You don’t have to do it alone. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. ❤️

    2. Selma


      Will do mave thank you for your support ❤️

  5. Selma

    Fibromyalgia pains

    I’m starting to get into the habit of paying attention more to my physical health, which can make me feel worse or better depending what else is happening. But even if I am stressed out but physically I’m feeling ok it does help somewhat. living with fibromyalgia may seem like not a big deal. But it’s one of those ailments that presents itself differently to everyone. My fibromyalgia mainly effects my neck, lower back, legs, feet and digestive system. I feel with me the pain is more chronic so I really need to take extra care, especially after a shift. Somethings I’ve found helpful are; Hot baths and showers-with some epsom salt. The kind I use is made with eucalyptus, spearmint and menthol. It’s very soothing and relaxing and helps take the edge off. stretching/yoga-This I’ve found is another great way to beat the body pain. Or if anything else keep it from getting out of control. I’ve started doing it after I wake up a couple hours before my shift and it feels great. Never try to do to much at once especially if your really feeling the hurt. Even the simplest of stretches and poses can have a positive effect. Taking care after work-Being a janitor has proven to be very rough with fibromyalgia, and depending on what my route may be for the night my fibromyalgia can get really bad. So after I get home I make sure to eat a nice breakfast even if it’s light. I’ll give myself a light and gentle massage on the areas that hurt either with or without lotion. Then I make sure to get some decent sleep and let my body properly rest. Eating right- sometimes fibromyalgia can have an effect on the digestive system and as a result of what I’m eating, it can even cause flare ups. I have to make sure I’m not eating to much sugar, gluten and processed foods. Eating to much of any of these things has made the body pain and my overall digestive health unbearable and causes a very sluggish and slow feeling. So for me it’s gluten free, organic, low carb and as simple as possible. I have been able to find some very delicious alternatives and the more healthy I eat the less tolerance my body has for junk food which helps keep me in track. Drinking less caffeine has helped as well although every now and again I still need that coffee fix. sleep- this one really goes without saying but we all get caught up with life and sleep when we can. But with the body pain bogging me down I can feel extra tired especially when I have to work. So I try to get as much sleep as I can. I might sleep until the late afternoon wake up have dinner, take a quick shower, go back to sleep for a few hours then leave for work. Since I carpool with two others I tend to nap on my way to work as well. Sometimes I really feel fatigued and have to nap on breaks. But even little fifteen to thirty minute naps can help here and there . If others on here get any use or insight from this I’m glad. I Feel fibromyalgia is one of those things people think isn’t real because it doesn’t have many external symptoms. It all has to do with inside your body and the nerves. It has been a pain for doctors to diagnose. I’ve was tested for everything. From lupus to intestinal cancer. The whole process was frustrating. But now that I know what to do and how to take care of myself it’s been easier to handle!
  6. 👋 Hello all. Well...it’s been real this morning. I already went into more detail in gathering place so I won’t go into huge detail here. I got really pissed this morning. In truth with all these realizations I’ve been having it was bound to happen. This morning put simply it was the straw that broke the camels back. Courtesy of my sister. But instead of going back to bed I actually got productive. I picked up around the house and even organized my own space. I feel rather accomplished minus the drinking this morning. I have managed to switch to tea. Tea is great. I wish I could get this level of angry at work I’d fly through a route like nobodies business. Taking a Moment now and listening to David Bowie’s Song Blackstar. It’s one of my favorites. Planning on doing more organizing and some healthy activities. But maybe I should just make a better effort to channel my anger into more constructive outlets. I could probably get so much done.
  7. Maybe it’s better if I just keep to myself and not let them in. 

  8. I saw my toxic friend recently. We’ll call him Austin. I hadn’t seen Austin in over two months. With everything else going on I didn’t need he’s comments oh how retarded or stupid I was. But one day we decided to get together and hang out. It was...pleasant. I couldn’t believe it. He didn’t make one backhanded or negative comment about me. We discussed work(we work for the same company but he works in the office I’m a janitor at a different job site. ) we also talked about our physical ailments. Turns out he has fibromyalgia as well. He said the medication he’s on also has anti depression effects as well as helping with the physical pain. I know I can’t fix him. Nor will I try. But while I’m trying to change and get things straight I have to wonder if keeping Austin as a friend is worth it anymore. I feel like his punching bag when he’s feeling low about himself. And I feel like my friendship to him is more out of him needing distractions from his own issues. Not because he thought I was a cool person or a wonderful friend. so why can’t I completely let him go? It seems so simple. “Austin your an asshole, this friendship is over” Maybe in that right I am stupid for keeping him as a friend. Just completely damn stupid. He doesn’t really want to change much because he’s convinced he’ll fail. I made the mistake of telling some of what’s going on and he makes light of it. Why. The. Hell. Can’t. I. Break. It.off? I keep him at a distance. Lean on my other true friends for support. Maybe part of the issue is I haven’t lost hope for him. But perhaps I’ll just continue to work on myself and think more on this in the meantime.
  9. Despite all my venting I’m actually feeling better. At least now. Like I said, lately is very up and down. I’m trying to process what I’m feeling but also not let it eat away at me. I ended up letting Another friend know what was happening. And I’m making plans with another to hang out next weekend. I’ve been focusing on my writing and throwing myself into reading activity books and healthier eating. Eating better has made me feel physically better and has taken some of the edge off of my fibromyalgia symptoms. I’ve been a week without any SH urges. it may not be much but it’s a start. Music has been a big helper this week. I only wish they would let us listen to it at the worksite. Keeping productive when feeling this way even if it’s just doing something as simple reading has really helped. Hopefully this good streak continues.
  10. Started off the day with calling the police on my neighbor who has been continuously screaming and banging around since 3:30 in the morning. Still have yet to hear from the cops. Got into a tiff with my sister, trying to find legal help in getting my neighbor kicked out and having to call my new doctor to set up an appointment and get a new therapist.. Then tonight it’s back to work at the good old airport where you get relentlessly degraded by everyone around you.. cant wait. In these frames of mind I find it very hard and tiresome to be positive. I’m trying. I feel like if I were trying harder I’d be feeling better but maybe that’s not the case.. I’m not sure anymore. I’m not even sure what trying harder looks/feels like. I feel like if I try to just be ok when I’m really not it will not end so well and if I show that I’m distressed people around will be pissed/worried/tell me I’m not doing enough. We’ll see what happens today I guess.
  11. Selma

    Up swing and downswing

    Thank you Kristen. It certainly is difficult at times. Today certainly won’t be any easier but I know I’ll feel more at ease if I at least try to make the best of things.
  12. I was doing just fine. But everything that starts to go up has to come down at some point. I was fine all day until this evening. I feel upset and moody again. I’m not quite sure why.It seems totally out of nowhere. My head is pounding everyone is irritating me to no end. I just want to scream and tell everyone Near me to fuck off, shut up and leave me the hell alone. I feel like nobody, that being the people closest to me don’t really care. Or have stopped trying because they don’t know how. The situation is so fucking frustrating. I feel like my sanity is hanging by a thread. Time to make a plan.... I need to call a friend I need to get out and do something next weekend keep productive as for tonight. Some alone time music tea writing and a good book. And hopefully this feeling. won’t last to long .
  13. Today can still be good if not great. 

  14. Selma


    My and my sister woke up to the neighbor screaming and banging again. He was in the room below my sisters room. Thankfully my youngest sister has managed to sleep through ok. My other sister escaped down to her friends apartment. Ugh...six in the morning...this whole situation hasn’t made healing any easier. I feel over anxious anymore. It’s difficult to unwind, reflect and meditate and be at peace when someone is psychotically raging below you. But practice makes perfect I suppose. it’s hard to just ignore it and it caused lots of stress because it could happen anytime of day or night. I really do hope he gets some form of help but I really need him away from me and my family and management doesn’t seem to understand how dangerous this situation could be. Or maybe I’m just being paranoid. Which is also frustrating me. I feel like my feelings are rational but then sometimes I feel like maybe I’m just not tolerant enough. I’m trying to remain as objective as I can and trying to process my stress and worries in a more positive way. I don’t know his complete situation. But I guess it’s time to put on some tunes make some breakfast and just get the day going.
  15. Day by day... one foot in front of the other... it has to get better 

    1. snmls


      One step at a time. You'll get there. 

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