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Selma

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About Selma

  • Birthday 03/10/1995

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    Writing, poetry, reading, cooking, nature/outdoor activities.

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. Selma

    I wish...

    I wish I could make the pain stop forever. Freeze it and leave it somewhere in space and time long forgotten. I wish I could look in the mirror and not think about how broken and wounded I am. I wish I didn’t have to have a phantom of my attacker in the backgrounds of my relationships and other life events. But wishing never solved anything... time to start picking up the pieces time to silence his voice And though the pain may linger for awhile it will not last forever, even though it feels like it may. Healing and happier days must be worth this much pain. They must be wonderful care free days. And they must be worth fighting for.
  2. Time to reboot 

  3. Stuck inside my own head is truly a punishment 

  4. Selma

    Autopilot

    It’s one of those times where I feel like I’m beyond help at this point. But I guess life in one form or another has to go on so here goes nothing.
  5. I feel to weak to keep doing this

  6. Selma

    Today is not good

    Despite a full nights sleep I woke up exhausted and in tears. I don’t want to go to work,I don’t want to see my friends, I don’t want to leave my room, I don’t want to do anything but sleep because at least with sleep I can’t feel the pain for a little while. Been listening to some music and trying to keep things together. But I feel like I’m unraveling thread by thread. It feels like there is something inside me that just won’t rest despite my efforts to take care of myself. is there some sort of magic trick I need to do? Today I just don’t want to face the world.
  7. “is that why they call me a sullen girl? Sullen girl? They don’t know I use to sail the deep and tranquil seas until he washed me ashore and he took my pearl. And left and empty shell of me.“ -Fiona Apple, Sullen girl. Fiona Apple was a victim of rape at the age of twelve and wrote sullen girl . The song not only touches on the rape itself but also talks about the judgement she faced due to her behavior after the incident. unfortunately that is a harsh and truly unforgivable reality. Isn’t it? And everyone in the same exact breath turns around and asks why don’t they ask for help? Or why they don’t come forward sooner? Because your to busy bashing us. Because your to busy calling us whores. Or deeming is weak. Because your to busy feeling uncomfortable to help. Your to busy throwing your jeers and insensitive ignorant words around the see the pain we carry in our hearts and souls. I have four words for you... How.Fucking.Dare.You. we are in pain. We were dragged into terrible dark places and had our minds twisted and bodies violated and hurt. Confidence shattered afraid to love, afraid to feel physical contact, and all society, or friends and sadly enough even family members have done is judge us, mock us. How dare you! victims of sexual violence/assault/rape etc..are made to feel afraid of the scrutiny they will face rather than the perpetrators feeling afraid. This is one of the things that made it hard for me to come forward, even though I know my family. However I don’t think they quite don’t know what to do or they feel uncomfortable so they say whatever they think will make me feel better. sometimes it makes me feel like I have no place to turn. I don’t have many friends either and the ones I do have don’t understand the pain. But I to have faced the insensitive and hurtful remarks. In an earlier blog post I mentioned a friend who said he could see why people rape or commit sexual assault after I told him what happened to me. I also know some family members would put me under their microscopes if I dare breathe a word about what happened to me. But venting aside.... i do talk to an online therapist and though I like her she can only do so much. but there is another wonderful therapist I have been seeing. Music. It really has been a wonderful tool for me. Artists like Fiona Apple, Tori Amos, and Siouxsie Sioux have helped me deal and cope with my feelings of my own sexual assault through talking about their own experiences through their music. Sometimes when I think back on what happened to me and it becomes to much I’ll plug in my tunes. It helps me focus on something good and creative or helps me through my most raw and agonizing emotions. Even if I feel enraged or Incensed I turn on some Otep or System of a Down and handle whatever shit I need to handle. When I feel mellow and need a little pick me up I listen to ABBA, or Amy Winehouse or sometimes mellow isn’t a bad thing so it’s a little Ella Fitzgerald or Louis Armstrong. Yea..my music tastes are all over the place. But for me music has been a savior and almost like a friend. And an alternative to some of the horrible things I think about doing at times. Music also makes me feel safe I feel safe from my demons whom I can’t hear screaming because Jefferson Airplane is signing about the elusive white rabbit i feel safe from my neighbor who triggers me in more ways than one. Who has time to think of him when Blondie is singing about the man from mars? I feel safe from society when David Bowie is singing about the star man in the sky or when Leonard Cohen is singing about lovely Vienna and the waltz. I think another part of the reason music is so comforting is because it was made by artists who have faced or are still facing their own struggles. Some who have even been swallowed whole by them. Music is something society tries to put into its strict bullshit idealism of what it should and shouldn’t be. Real Music is art, pain, laughter sadness, light, darkness, triumph and hope and for some salvation. Although, sometimes I do need the support of another human being. But unfortunately it’s difficult to know who you can trust. This has been something that has been on my mind for awhile so the emotions are fresh and raw in my head so the blog reads like a rant and may jump from topic to topic and I apologize if it doesn’t make sense. But until then onwards and upwards!
  8. I am determined to have a good day and not give into my depression or my demons. 

  9. Just stumbling through the mess completely on autopilot. 

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. rj1130

      rj1130

      Thank you so much that really means a lot to me. I’m still getting the hang of this site and not sure how to pm lol

    3. Selma

      Selma

      If you click on the chat bubble then hit contacts You click the persons name you want to speak with . 

    4. rj1130

      rj1130

      Oh ok I’ll try that. Thank you!

  10. Admitting to all the pain I’m undergoing is both relieving and exhausting. I didn’t even know how much I was keeping in. 

  11. Selma

    I can’t....

    I cannot deal with my neighbor anymore. He is incredibly unstable and in my opinion dangerous. There was a recent period of time for about four months where we constant heard him in the apartment below us screaming, cussing and yelling very disturbing things. He also bangs around his apartment all the time like he’s constant hurlings his furniture around. During this time we heard him through the day and during the night and he’s had the cops called on him numerous times. And yet... he’s.still.here. We don’t hear him nearly as much but enough to drive us all crazy. It’s gotten to the point where I hate coming home. As if this wasn’t bad enough there is something about him that reminds me of my attacker. I think it’s because he looks similar to my attacker. The one upside is he’s a recluse so I don’t see him outside often.... unless he’s going to the other neighbors property and snooping around for no reason. Management claimed they are doing something and yes I’m aware it could take time but quite honestly, and maybe I’m wrong to say this but I don’t care where he goes. I just want to come home and be able to fully relax and unwind. my stress over this has gotten so bad every time I hear yelling or banging I’m worried it’s it’s him. Even when I’m not at home. Sometimes I can hear him screaming inside my head. It’s a very frustrating situation and I came to the end of my rope about three months ago. Relaxing and healing at home feels like a myth. luckily I had a wonderful coworker make something for me to keep me grounded. When I’m getting worked up about the neighbor or my past. it does help and it reminds me that I can live safely and comfortably and not in constant fear.
  12. Selma

    Friends?

    My friend and I have known each other since high school. We hang out occasionally and talk and exchange funny posts. In recent years I began to notice somethings. He talks to me like a child that’s incapable of understanding anything. He is always pointing out my mistakes. Every. Single. One. All the while boasting about his accomplishments. Even stuff I’ve done in the past he still brings up. After I told him I was assaulted he said he could understand why people do it.. needless to say we didn’t speak for a very long time. He complains about everything. His weight, his job, not having a girlfriend etc.. but refuses to do anything about it because he says he’ll fail. my likes, interests, dreams, goals are stupid and not worth Pursuing. He’s always right. All the time. He can never be wrong. I don’t think he’s ever had a positive outlook on anything since I’ve known him. He is always making me feel guilty for my short comings. And yet...I'm still friends with him. I’ve cut down communication and don’t hang out with him as much anymore. I just can’t understand why I can’t break it off completely. Has anyone else ever faced this problem or maybe a similar one? Is there a reason it’s hard to cut ties with a toxic person? Or am I just insane for staying friends for so long?
  13. My work week has ended and now my weekend begins. Honestly, I feel like a failure. My pain, Emotions, and other demons have taken over this week. I had a meltdown at work in front of a friend. Telling him I couldn’t deal with anything anymore. I still think I can’t. I don’t feel strong enough. These past four years since my assault I’ve blamed myself. I feel like it was my fault. I got into a car with a man I met online for a date. Being assaulted wasn’t even a thought in my mind. I feel like I don’t deserve to heal and I don’t deserve care, least of all from myself. I feel at times like waking up is all to painful and fading away would be blissful at the very least disappearing. I’m be talked with another female coworker who wrote down some positive messages for me. She said to look at when I start to feel all those negative thoughts come back and that I was strong and worth it. So today for self care I’m going to take a nice relaxing bath make some tea, clean my space Have a makeup and spa day. (I love experimenting with makeup.) And be somewhere I can have some peace and quiet for a little while. But I’m also going to do some writing and reflection about my thoughts and feelings. The first steps to healing are always scary but not trying is not an option.
  14. Selma

    In the beginning

    Hello all... what a week it’s been I didn’t realize how badly I’ve been sinking. Swallowed up with so much negativity and toxicity from a so called “friend” who always knocks me down ,too an unstable neighbor who makes me think of my attacker and fear for my safety. Then at the core there is the pain I endured from being sexually assaulted and the mistakes and misfortunes I’ve let happen. I may be a hot, hot mess right now but I still have hope for the future and for myself. All in due time I suppose.
  15. Selma

    Music

    That sounds a lot like a friend I’m trying to deal with. He talks and acts that way with me all the time. He’s always putting me down and making me feel like I have no self worth. music has helped soothe me and has also helped me let the pain and hurt out.
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