It would be nice to have a chance to sit down and deal with my current issues without more shit piling on top of it. I know it’s life but this whole journey is becoming to much again. It’s like walking down a path of broken glass, your feet are bleeding and all cut up and you turn down another path only to find out there’s more glass on the road. You don’t have any other way to go so you have to keep going forward even though there’s glass on the road and if you go back there’s still gonna be gl
All these intrusive thoughts swimming through my head again. It’s agonizing. I really feel I can’t trust a lot of people. I feel like if I opened up even more with every body They’d think I was crazy or gross or perverted. When I say open up I’m talking about my experiences with men after I was assaulted. I got into some weird things. It makes me question my preferences and if everything I love about sex and relationships comes from a dark and twisted place as I said in my last blog post.
Everything seems so distorted and tainted. I feel like my relationships and sexuality come from a dark place. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been traumatized and have been in bad situations. It’s hard to talk about because It makes me feel sick. Relationships, desires, and sexuality are suppose to make you feel liberated not like there’s something wrong with you.
I got more promiscuous after I was sexually assaulted. I went on dates with men I barley knew and would let the ma
it’s been about five years now. You were in your thirties and I was 18 when we met. On our first date we had Chinese food and talked about ourselves, our families and the typical first date mumbo jumbo.
Then we went back to your place and Learned more about each other in the physical sense. This was the basis of our relationship. Sex. This was fine at first but let’s be honest, after five years of the same type of sex, the same acts and circumstances etc.. things quickly
Before I was assaulted I experienced depression, anxiety, happiness, All emotions that we all have experienced at one point or another. With Depression, irritability and anxiety being common in the teenage years. It wasn’t till after my assault I saw a drastic change in my mental health. Life became a blind fury of feeling energetic and wonderfully content, not a problem in the world. Then time would slow and I felt like I slumped down into the deepest depression I had ever felt in my life. Wh
I feel like I’m further along In my sexual assault journey but there are still some days my ptsd gets the better of me.
last week at work two male supervisors had come into the restroom I was cleaning at work and where talking with me. Little do they know it had caused a panic attack. I don’t like feeling cornered by a man or men. It freaks me out. After they left I had to take some time to breath and just focus on work . I reminded myself I was safe and soon after I felt much better.