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About Ian37

  • Birthday March 26

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  • Location
    The South
  • Interests
    Reading, Soccer, Writing, Education

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  1. New to using my voice

    Welcome, Optimistic Lady! Thank you for choosing to be a part of our community and for choosing to have a voice. Sometimes the first step can be the hardest. It took a lot of courage to make these initial posts! My sincere hope is that you will continue to find specific strength through general unity. Writing has always been rather therapeutic for me as well since it helps me start to center all the random thoughts. I really like your chosen screen name. What do we really have without hope at the end of each day?
  2. Feeling a little lost and blind

    Survive, I am so sorry to see all this. I do see your dilemma though. Any chance you can perhaps ask your counselor to speak with you on the phone? That way, you still can talk with her without having to get into things with your mom. Nor would you need to drive at all either.
  3. In this place

    Relentless,, these are honestly rather intense thoughts. Seems like our reactions toward any sense of reality are not much ever the same afterward. There also is like this definitive dualism which tends to set in. In between what we and then others see. That wanting to fully live and not merely exist. Not to mention what's supposed to be yet actually is. Which can prove to perhaps be rather overwhelming to say the least. Please know that you are not alone in general.
  4. Feeling pathetic

    So sorry to see you are having such a hard time of it, Survive. A lot of this is bound not to be easy with all the components involved. You sort of sound like me in some ways not wanting to be a bother toward anyone else. I know in general at least it's not an easy feeling at all to have. I'm trying to see that those who care about me are there because of their own volition. So thus it is not maybe possible that I'm actually being a burden to them even if things may feel that way to my own self. It would be nice to shut our minds down and stop thinking even for a mere moment or two. Yet there truly is no break from any of this. It's all around seemingly in one way or another from what it can seem like at least. Not having control over our own mind can be quite a challenge. Especially when we may feel rather vulnerable after having lost that same control during our traumatic experiences. It is not easy getting back what has been lost. I am so sorry you are having trouble with getting through a moment from what it sounds like let alone even a day. Especially bound to be more of a challenge with others you happen to be responsible for. Please know that tears do not always have to be a bad thing. You are brave wanting to hide them from your kids. Yet please also realize you are human and feelings are sometimes bound to be raw. Sometimes even not all that pleasant. That does not make them any less easy. Nor not as important. All of what you are experiencing is simply nothing other than real. Any kind of getting things out gives us the opportunity at least to try making some sense of what may not seem to make it at all. Please know there are sincere souls out there who really will be able to relate in general that can try making things seem just a little less lonely.
  5. New

    Welcome to an amazing place, Lost In The! There may not necessarily be one best or right way to jump in. Nor is there a time table to follow. Just have to do what is best for your own self at times. Those are passions I know nothing at all about but it's great that you have interesting ones which perhaps help express your creative side. Anything creative which can come from chaos is bound to be a positive. Please take your time to explore what is offered here. My hope is that a lot of sincere support awaits in helping you find yourself.
  6. Today’s session

    Survive, I almost hate not knowing even more than that actual bad. It can all be so overwhelming to be exact. I like to know for the most part what is coming my way and this is especially true with those more difficult things. Please know you are not alone with these thoughts at least in general.
  7. Today’s session

    Survive, there still is a definite difference in between knowing you have an appointment set up as opposed to hoping she will have some extra time. I totally get what you mean. It's hard to not think ahead at times when there are so many components to all of this. I guess I'm trying just to take one step at a time at this point. Which truly is so much easier said than done.
  8. Today’s session

    Survive, happy to hear she will follow your wishes. May I ask what has you most overwhelmed at this point? Is it the thought of not seeing her as much going forward? Or something completely different?
  9. Today’s session

    Survive, I honestly do not feel like you are overacting at all. Sounds like you are legitimately concerned and simply looking for a bit of stability is all. Just because you may feel more comfortable with something does not mean more needs to come right away as a result. Nor something different either. Change can be rather challenging in any shape or form. She may feel you're ready to come less. That does not mean it's for the best. She is there to help you. Therefore, please consider doing what is best for your own self.
  10. It's been awhile

    Ex Dancer, welcome back! The great thing about a place like this may be it's always around when we're ready. It does not really go away and gets that we may need that space and time away at times. I am so sorry though to see what you're going through right now. I'm perhaps at that same exact place on this end though which you happen to speak of. Or at the very least maybe a very similar one. It is such a challenge to love another when we are still hardest on our own selves. I imagine it must be incredibly hard and then some on a partner who chooses to stay by our side. One of the things I need to get so much better at is recognizing the needs and wants with that other individual. Instead of only thinking about my own. I can see why he would freak out though if there's a lack of love toward even his own self. That can perhaps seem like quite the responsibility to be exact. The fact he is worried about it though suggests that he's one who truly cares. Though you having to be the rock is bound to take it's toll I am guessing. That is quite a lot on your plate as well. Not that there always needs to be a scorecard per-se. Yet there should be something you are getting out of everything as well. It is a beautiful balance which perhaps you seek. If only it was easy to find. My ex feels that same thought of being misled. I'm realizing I was not totally forward with her either. Not on purpose, per-se. My heart was in the right place. It's just that our minds and bodies may not always match with that. This I am sure was a result of so many past abuses that came to me. So who I want to be did not always pan out with the person really there. Still, this not knowing how to love cannot hold going forward I feel as a result. There comes a time in which one has to take responsibility for being and doing better. That is where I happen to be at. That question of what to do now is not an easy one to try processing. It sounds like honestly you may be torn at this point. Wanting to stay and loving him. Yet also intent on protecting your own self as well. So as to get back some of what you're giving. You likely are a giving soul. Yet it cannot be all that either. The best relationships give something to the other. That is what I am starting to realize. The only one who can really decide is you. Please know that you are not to blame for any of what's made him fail loving his own self. Though you also care and want to maybe be around. I would suggest maybe consider making a pro-con chart so as to weigh your feelings and thoughts in an organized manner. So much of this is very intense from what it sounds like and that written word may help you with considering a decision going forward.
  11. Back after a long time away

    Welcome back, Jasmine! I hope that you are able to find that support you're looking for.
  12. #4 Ending/Blocking Relationships

    I honestly used to think that everyone was out to get me as well. Then I realized one day that it was my own responsibility for letting negative others within my life. That I felt like not deserving of anything positive and thus took the routes which tended to be bad. So that even with me being treated horribly, it was because of my own actions which led to these exact results. Now I am not trying to suggest that you deserve being treated with disrespect. I am just saying that we do have the control to let those in who actually deserve to be there while simply weeding out all others. All in life is specific I believe and this likely includes those interactions we make. There is perhaps some to be said about intent. Maybe there is a difference then that exists in between someone who accidently causes pain as opposed to one bent on doing so. Not that it makes the responsibility any different though. But I do believe that someone can and should be forgiven for something so long as his/her heart is in the right place. Which you will likely be able to tell more than anyone else. As for trust. I do believe that communication which is open ends up being best. Yet trust is something which absolutely needs to be earned over time. Maybe consider opening up slowly a little at a time to those select few so that it will guide you with proceeding going forward. Just because the hurt caused is not malicious does not make it necessarily okay.
  13. Returning After Being Away

    Welcome back, Flowers. It sounds like part of your abuse has come from family members you should be able to trust and I can relate to that even if only in general. I tried to run and suppress my memories for years. This can all be so overwhelming. It may thus help perhaps for awhile to not make things even more intense. The complication comes in that it does not allow the opportunity to move ahead. Change is not an easy thing. My hope is that the recent changes end up being positive ones within your life. Please know that some of the worst comes months and years after the actual abuse and that you're definitely not alone.
  14. Heartbroken and sad

    A Person, I am so sorry to see of your stressful day. My abusive uncle always used to suggest that tears are a sign of weakness. Hence one of the many reasons he was so aggressive. I personally feel that tears do not always have to be a bad thing. Even though that does not make them any easier really to shed. You know your own self best even with any possible doubts. So if you feel that staying at home will make things worse, then maybe going into the office is best. I am going through a lot of stress on this end and work actually takes my mind off things going on at home. It is simply a different kind of stress and one in which I have the opportunity to be productive while trying to make a difference in the lives of innocent others. Have to do what is needed at times just in getting through a day and this may be different moment to moment. Please know that it is really not possible to have all these great days all the time. Having a rough day or two does not mean you're weak as a result. Nor is it any kind of bad reflection on you either. Maybe some extra rest over the next few days may help to bring the start of some calm. Rest is not doing nothing and can be just as productive as anything out there.
  15. Epiphany?

    Ex Dancer, nothing wrong at all with taking a day or two to analyze and reflect. Especially since life tends to come at us so quickly at times. That is really great that you've been able to find this sense of peace within yourself! By finding so much worth outside of that so to speak. There really is something so amazing about the miracle of birth. Any sense that can be made amid all this chaos cannot help but be a positive and proactive thing. Maybe our lives may not be how we originally planned. Yet that does not have to mean they're without worth. Just means that maybe our journey is meant to be a bit different is all. Perhaps all of this negative will make us even stronger going forward while making the appreciation of this crazy thing called life even more fruitful.