Ian37

Luna Rosa, it sincerely saddens me to see that you can perhaps sort of relate yet also makes me feel a little less alone as well. It really does suck to think we are worth less than we're meant to now because of a messed up past. It is definitely all a work in progress on this end too. Though, there also always needs to be a start.

Luna Rosa, I got married very early on in life as well. Depression and uncertainty can be a rather intense combination. I basically just ate up the attention of the first woman to show me any at all. So, I cared for this woman very much. She was a good individual. Just was not the best fit for me really in any possible way. My hope was to find a way out. Though the outcome was even more a sense of being lost. I do not think of you as horrible at all to be honest though. Nor dumb at all. Because it does not seem as if you got with him with the intention to cause harm or hurt. There are always two souls out there in any kind of relationship. So he takes just as much responsibility as a result. It's not a knock on him. Just the honest truth of any relationship leaving both parties both open and vulnerable. This person was likely not the best for you. Thus that maybe make it hard to give another all of yourself. I'm so sorry for all you have gone through. Cannot even imagine what it must have felt like losing a baby like that. It really is not easy to break certain patterns. Even those that may not be the best for us. So maybe his not always best attention toward you was seemingly better than none at all. I have always struggled with self-worth and it has had a huge effect on those who I've associated with. Please try to appreciate though that just because the general timing may not have bene right, it's not a definitive indication of what always will be a specific way. You may end up down the line find the right one for you. Or you may not end up with anyone at all. Not like you necessarily need another to determine or justify your ultimate happiness. Though, my sense is you do still want to perhaps end up with someone. I honestly and sincerely want this more than anything else. Not because of what I need. Much more of what I want to give. Just to the right individual is all. Just that it may not be in the cards. So, my challenge now is realizing that forcing my future happiness on one other soul may just mean more going forward. My hope is that you are able to find some rest in the days to come. Even though none of this is bound to be easy at all. I do think it is absolutely awesome that you are taking more of that responsibility lately. Though that does not mean you have made all of these mistakes either. We just cannot always control what will happen to us in life. Though, we can choose how we'll respond going forward. There can maybe be some sense of empowerment in that.

Luna Rosa, you are more than welcome. I just know that this can seem so overwhelming. You are very kind to have concern for my own struggles. I really am trying to forgive myself for prior mistakes and get rid of past negative within my life. That lack of control is a huge issue with me as well. Not that I want to be controlling of anyone else at all. I have been abused repeatedly and the last thing wanted now is telling anyone else what to do. Interesting that you mention being detached. I just do not like not knowing myself and would rather know what's what in advance. May I ask what has made you feel more in control as of late? It seems like the more I tend to try taking it there is then even less felt. Giving to and helping others has always made me feel a little more in control I guess. There is just this definite disconnect in where I am wanting to be in life. Yet then where I actually am. I have worked hard for certain things and it honestly sort of sucks when certain ones you want the most have not come to full fruition. Self-sabotage is definitely one of the patterns I am determined to get fully rid of. I am trying to realize I'm more deserving of more positive. Even though some of my past actions have been negative. It is just not easy changing in a day or two what one has been used to for years. I do know that fear of being hurt once again can be a prominent presence within our minds as well. Staying on the side can sort of self-protect us from more bad. Or at least that is the definite hope and possible outcome.

Luna Rosa, I'm hoping a male perspective is okay. Not to mention a whole bunch of rambling as well. I am so sorry to see you struggling like this. I do in general know what it is like just trying to get through a moment let alone whole day sometimes. It truly can start to feel like you're going through the motions at times. Sort of like merely existing and not fully living. Which can be a challenge to those of us who want to completely embrace everything positive and proactive. It just sucks when what we want within our mind struggles coming to fruition. Going through these exact motions can be extremely exhausting in every single possible way. It takes a lot of energy to pretend. This can make it difficult when trying to communicate and converse with the outside world. Easy to feel sometimes deep inside yet hard to express those feelings in a outward way. These kinds of inconsistencies can also be a challenge in dealing with. All can seem like cycles of chaos at times and make it all become rather overwhelming. I want to feel completely better like yesterday and have all the answers the day before that. So much I have wanted and want to experience in life. Yet this traumatic abuse from one individual seems to have such a total impact on every single area within my life. Not sure if that makes any sense at all. Or if you may be able to relate perhaps in general. I just do not like feeling a lack of control. When control was so violently ripped away from me so unexpectedly in the first place. Uncertainty can be as debilitating as knowing what's bad. Because of the anxiety and fear which may come as a result. Feeling a lack of self-worth is not fun at all. I do think that the doubt is one thing that abusers happen to use against us. Since this maybe makes them feel more empowered and also less guilty as well. I have made so many mistakes and hurt multiple others along the way. Not because of ill intent. Simply as not really caring for my own self more than anything else. I think it is important though to try recognizing intent. My guess is that you do not want to be manipulative and mean all the time. Maybe you are simply just feeling lost and trying to make any sense at all of what really may lack any at all. I definitely have also always felt like a burden. That no one should have to deal with all or even any of my crap. So thus they are best to stay away. Thus, I tend to self-sabotage any good within my life. Almost expecting the bad to happen so trying therefore to control it from that get-go. More than anything else I still want to be happy with another soul though. I have so much damn love to give. Just that I have not always shown this in the correct way never having been loved when growing up. I guess I'm trying to accept that others who choose interacting with me do so of their own volition. Meaning maybe it is not always up to me deciding if I am worthy of that interaction in the first place. I do in general also get what you say about listening. Much easier for someone to talk. All of this can be so lonely and make one feel completely alone. As if no one else out there will ever get us or even care. Please know that there can at least be some unity within general support. That what you say is important and does hold a lot of worth. Even if that fact is not always felt.

A Person, it truly is all about getting from one day to the next at times. What is best on one of them may not even be the same that next. Which makes it even more of a challenge trying to find any of that consistency. It can be such a fine line at times trying to balance in between pushing too hard and not doing enough. Not to mention in between moving too fast and staying still. Staying still can be more comfortable over a temporary period of time. It may help us not get even more overwhelmed. It just may not be a permanently positive and proactive solution is all. It sort of sucks not having any real basic blueprint.

A Person, it does seem like certain things can come in bunches at times. This includes those negative ones. I am so sorry to see you are struggling right now. I'm one who tends to be intense in many ways. Which makes it a challenge for me not to feel and think extremes. I'm really trying not to let the highs get me too up. Nor be devastated by the lows. Which is of course so much easier said than done. It is also hard to deal with things when wanting of feeling better now. While having all the answers like yesterday. Maybe also a part of being passionate. I am still trying to find healthy ways of dealing with this on my end. I have resorted to negative ones within the past. So hard to deal with things as they come being an intense soul. Not to mention the disconnect which may come in between wanting something in our mind and then actually experiencing something similar in actuality. Do you think any of this is perhaps part of these issues you are feeling and thinking may I ask?

Tina, I am so sorry to see about your recent traumatic experience. Educational status sadly enough has nothing to do with what we may actually come across. It really all is rather like a roller-coaster. The lack of consistency makes it hard when trying to establish any sense of control. I am trying not to let the highs get too extreme. While not allowing those low moments to become too overwhelming. Which is of course easier said than done. Reaching out here can be a huge step in itself! Not to mention the courage you have shown in coming to this site hopefully being a positive as well. You are kind to look out for your daughter like this. Sounds like you are not trying to restrict at all. Just that you're trying to be protective. It's not easy escaping our past experiences. Perhaps some anxiety can even be a positive thing so long as it helps propel us forward.

Looking for Peace, I assure you that not men are all one certain way. It does sound like more of that manipulation. Wanting you to somehow believe that he was not doing anything out of the ordinary. So as to make you then doubt yourself even further. Men and even women can in fact do the same exact thing wrong yet have totally different motives or reasons for doing so. Not that intent means more than interpretation of course. Just that he seems to not have cared for you or your well being. You were getting more negative than positive and that's not the signs of a happy nor healthy relationship. Thus it may have seen like you were lonely a lot even when not necessarily being alone. It does tend to suck not having someone. Though better maybe being by yourself even still than with someone simply not worth it. As for not figuring out things sooner. I have always been hardest on myself also. Though it is also honestly much easier to look back on something I have found after the fact. Much more of a challenge while actually within that moment of time. So you likely did not get with him wanting things to go this way. My sincere hope is you are a little more gentle with yourself as a result. One of the most important yet also hardest lessons I have learned along that way is all in life is specific. That includes all events and people. Though, we also cannot help but be affected by what happens to happen within our lives. Hopefully, time will prove to provide some more healing. Talking about your feelings and thoughts may provide you with a key to opening that perhaps currently closed door.

Phoenix Ember, welcome! Please first off know that all of your worries are valid. I fully feel that their is sincere strength through general unity. Though, I also happen to believe that we all have to take our own individual journey. What ends up being most helpful for another may not be the same with you. This is why I have come to fully embrace the method of trial and error. Life comes at us way too fast to get it all right the first or even second time. It is what has proved to be most helpful with me. Plus, I realize that I'm the one in control now. I have the opportunity to self-protect. Talking things out much more may prove to be helpful. Though, I also do not want to push forward too fast and make things even worse. Maybe doing more listening and some reading at first might be your best bet. This acceptance of 'being my own driver' so to speak has proved to be pretty empowering.

Looking for Peace, I hope a male opinion here is okay. Sadly enough, forcing does not always have to be physical. That does not make one kind better or easier. I am so sorry for your past experiences. Though it is good you are away from that type of abuse at this point. His trying too put the blame on you sounds like major manipulation. Trust can tend to be such a huge issue for those of us who have been abused. It cannot help but likely come up again within other relationships. That may not necessarily be fair. Though it does not also make that any less real. So your frustration at yourself for feeling different toward men is warranted. I just hope you try realizing that your feelings are valid just by being yours. Uncertainty can be even harder than knowing something bad. My mind never shuts down and I'm wanting of knowing what is happening tomorrow like yesterday while understanding it all the day before that. It is just sadly not always possible to know what will happen going forward. The good news is that you are now in control of what you're comfortable with and wanting most. No need to even get it all right the first or second time. Life comes at us way too fast for that to happen. It is all about trial and error. As for this good friend of yours and your worry about him waiting. Please know that him choosing to be there for you is of his own volition. There is thus nothing at all to feel guilty about since life isn't even filled with guarantees. Anyone truly worth it in the end will realize that there is truly only one you and that you're worth waiting for. You have the right not to know. He should perhaps focus on just continuing of being there in an unconditional way focused on what's best for you as opposed to any possible partnership.

Indy Rex, I have never seen that to be honest. I'd be interested to hear more about it if you don't mind. Though it is definitely the uncertainty of everything which makes finding any sense of comfort such a challenge as well. Even if it may be somewhat there. Not the same unless it is actually felt. I have always wondered if not remembering is somewhat better when it comes to specific details. Though the big thing I suppose is knowing that the actual abuse did happen. Not to mention accepting it as well. Just seems like every single step forward is followed by two more leaps back. All of those components to this and involving different dilemmas to unravel. Each possible answer followed with multiple questions. That is absolutely awesome that you have decided to go back! This takes quite a bit of courage after not always having had the best experiences in the past. One of the biggest lessons I have learned along the way though is that all in life really is specific. Just because one thing does not work out doesn't mean the next similarity down the line is bound to fail also. Trial and error truly is the way to go.

Indy Rex, the tricky part is almost like this constant cycle of chaos all around us. Circles always coming all the way back around. Meaning that we really are challenged moving along any sort of definitive line and therefore feel this deficit trying to push forward. All of this can seem so overwhelming at times. I am so sorry you have had to leave work like that. Please know that the tears you currently cry need not be negative ones. Maybe certain sadness can be like some forms of stress which push us to do just that little bit more. It really can all be such a Catch-22 though at times. Wanting to get all of this out without having it then intruding on everyday life. That then making us tend to feel even less sense of control. The not knowing can be harder than realizing that negative at times. Though maybe not all of this even makes sense at the moment. Nor does it perhaps always need to.

Indy Rex, some of the hardest parts with it all come months and even years later at times. Which make it such a challenge when trying to get back the control violently ripped away. Please just know that you are not alone in general at least with these emotions and thoughts. They tend to come up at the most inopportune and unexpected times. This is what makes getting it out so important. Even though timing with that can be a key. Not to mention how hard it is bound to be. What is ultimately best may not be easiest at first. There can be added strength through greater unity. Even though we all have our own individual journey to take. Sadly enough, we cannot always control what happens to us. Though, we can determine how we'll react. All of this is bound to be a part of our life forever. We just have to try not letting it define us.

Welcome, Optimistic Lady! Thank you for choosing to be a part of our community and for choosing to have a voice. Sometimes the first step can be the hardest. It took a lot of courage to make these initial posts! My sincere hope is that you will continue to find specific strength through general unity. Writing has always been rather therapeutic for me as well since it helps me start to center all the random thoughts. I really like your chosen screen name. What do we really have without hope at the end of each day?

Survive, I am so sorry to see all this. I do see your dilemma though. Any chance you can perhaps ask your counselor to speak with you on the phone? That way, you still can talk with her without having to get into things with your mom. Nor would you need to drive at all either.