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About Ian37

  • Birthday March 26

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    The South
  • Interests
    Reading, Soccer, Writing, Education

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  1. Hi, Suz! This is a great place to be and hopefully you will find some support, here.
  2. Twenty, thank you for taking time out of your day to write back. I do try making a little sense at times and seem to have a habit of doing so. Words are a huge part of who I am so thank you for that compliment as well. My mom was an amazing writer and the letters I have of hers that she never sent out are my most prized possession. It's honestly just that I've been through a few things that gives me a rather different kind of perspective on it all. Some of this is good and I am sure there's also some bad. Guilt can really get to you and it is a rather powerful weapon. I am also hardest on my own self and excuse others for things all the time that make me unable to find that same kind of sympathy when it comes to me. It is honestly so easy for us to look back on our actions after the fact. Some choices we have to make happen within moments and it is simply not possible nor realistic to make the right ones each and every time. I think that realizing that life is a long term learning process can prove to provide us some insight. I'm trying to take all the negative that comes my way and turn it into a positive going forward. Life would be so much easier if all of it involved us doing the right thing. However, we also might not be able to appreciate the good quite as much. This end involved me trying to forget everything also and simply run away multiple times. I ran left and right all over the country for so long trying to find myself and put the horrible things in my past behind me. Just did not realize until later on that trying to push things to the side does not really get rid of them. No matter how far we may try running, our issues are always going to be right there with us until we choose to confront them. That does not solve anything in itself. The real struggle comes when we start that confronting because it usually involves having to go backward before able to have any chance at all of moving forward. Please try not to beat yourself up as a result of that box. Some boxes are meant to hold what is most precious to us. They do not always have to be opened right away.
  3. I think you just have to try taking it all one step at a time. It sounds like you are struggling in between what your mind knows and heart feels. So, that there is always this consistent confliction in between the two. That makes it so hard to find any sense of peace. Which is what is perhaps needed most. There are so many bad decisions I have made as a result of what happened to me. I am almost positive that they have something to do with my low self-esteem. It continues to make me question myself today. This has an effect on my every day life. Most of these choices all revolve around relationships. I have rushed into so many as a result of looking for the love that was never showed to me as a child and during my own abuse. I blame myself for hurting so many innocent others as a result along the way and messing up multiple lives. I have recognized that this is a pattern and am adamant about not making this mistake ever again. Nothing worth it in the end should be forced. I blamed myself for so many years for messing all this up. Now, all I can do is try moving forward the best possible. Taking better care of myself while appreciating the value of good friends. Please try to be gentle on yourself a little more. Realize that you are simply doing the best possible given the challenging circumstances that have confronted you. You are bound to have made some mistakes in the past and may make more going forward. Perhaps, it is all part of the process. You're trying to process what happened to you. This is going to take some time. The mistakes in your past do not have to define you. Also, please do not feel bad for thinking about another. Have you ever heard of the 80/20 rule may I ask? It basically suggests that you are never going to get more than 80 percent out of someone you're with. There is always going to be the 20 percent missing. The issue is that if you go after the 20, you may then lose out on the 80 you have. This is not to minimize anything. It just may help put things in perspective. Being friends with your other half is important. So many relationships do not have this as a component and it is sometimes all about the physical and sexual attraction. This is also important, of course. Still, it is not always easy to find someone who truly cares for you and will stick it out no matter what. Your other half has chosen to be with you. You may not feel that you're worthy. Furthermore, you may not even stay with him going forward. That is totally up to you. My point is just that we cannot choose those we love. We also cannot decide who chooses to love us. There is still time for you to find some spark. No matter what you may specifically decide. I am trying to find mine through writing lately. Words are a huge part of who I am. I know that so much of my life has been wasted. Yet, I would like to thing that much more of it lies ahead. That is why I plan to make the most of every moment going forward and refuse to let any kind of backward regret hold me back any longer. Some of the worst challenges come past the days of the actual trauma. There are bound to be up and down periods and it is hard since they can come without much if any warning. I do not know if you will ever get rid of the bad. My sincere hope is that it will start to be drowned out by the good.
  4. Welcome! No need to rush when it comes to posting. Reading can be just as therapeutic as writing. The key is trying to feel better and it took strength reaching out like this. I think that the way we all process trauma is different and sometimes the hardest parts come months and years after. This is your journey and you have to do what is best on that end. I am one who has a hard time shutting my mind down and can definitely relate to the mess you may be feeling. It is all part of trying to process the wrong that has been done to us. My hope is that you start to find some positive here.
  5. Welcome to an amazing community! It is as awesome as this because of the actual human beings within it. I could not agree more about how talking can be so healing. It is so much of a challenge to start the conversation. That does not make it any less important to have. So many of the challenges come months and years after the experience itself. Family and friends can be helpful at times but what makes this place so special is that we all can generally relate to one another. I hope that you take your time to look around and jump right in when ready.
  6. New

    Welcome, Bluesclues! There always needs to be a start and I'm so happy you found us. It took me quite awhile to be approved also but has been more than worth the wait ever since.
  7. Hi, Chant! Welcome back. Quality can always trump quantity. There are some places in life that may just always be like a home for us. No matter how long we may be actually gone. Time is not always a clock. I hope that you are able to find some of your old friends on here and perhaps make some new ones as well.
  8. Welcome! All of us have a story and yours is just as important. Take your time to look around and get used to it all. This really is a very supportive site with many sensitive souls who in general will be able to perhaps relate to some of what you have and are still going through. It took strength reaching out like this. Change and difference is never easy. Shelley was seriously amazing and one of my favorite Romantics. There can be such beauty and healing within a few mere words.
  9. Hi, Kate! Welcome to the site. Fellow writer and bibliophile on this end. Both books and writing can truly be an escape. They also have the opportunity to be rather therapeutic. I think that anything creative that comes out of chaos cannot help but be productive. Shame on your relative for telling you that you'd never get published. All of us have the right to go after our dreams. How does he know what may happen? I have not yet published anything other than educational articles at this point but am working on an educational book and also a movie script. My hope is to get these out there soon so as to help others. Even still, there is such a beauty within writing in general and it's something you should do for your own self if it is something truly enjoyed.
  10. My hope is that you will find that this place is almost like a second family. No rush to say anything at all, though. The most important things in our lives should not ever have any kind of time-line. As you are ready to interact more, there are others on here who may be able to relate to some of your feelings and thoughts in general. There can be such strength through unity.
  11. Welcome to an amazing community! Not feeling like there is any support around you can be quite challenging. I am sure this is compounded even further with the personality disorder of your mom. I am so sorry what happened to you. It showed a lot of strength reaching out. Please do not feel like you ever have to be silent. I hope that you start to find a little more sense of peace here.
  12. Welcome, Luv Dogz! It is never too late to start healing. I have struggled with it on this end as well. There always needs to be a start. Trust is definitely important. Yet, it also may take some time to find. That is okay. This is a very supportive place and I hope you are able to find some of what you need within this safe space.
  13. Welcome! Just because you're a little lost right now does not necessarily mean you won't ever be found. Going through something like this all alone is quite the challenge. It does not make you any weaker of a person extending that you're in need of help. There is a sense of strength in unity. Take your time to interact as you best see fit. Hopefully, this will be a place where you can find some caring support.
  14. Welcome to the site, Heather! There is no excuse that you were abused as a child and I'm sure that this has had quite an effect on you. I was abused for many years while I was young as well and in general know how much this hurts. So sorry to hear about you being in a verbally abusive relationship as well. Words can be just as hurtful and these stick with me now more than anything else. The most important word you may have posted is that you are a survivor. Please know that you have now found a really supportive community. Getting things out can prove to be so helpful during the journey of trying to heal. Hopefully, you will find a little sense of peace here.
  15. Welcome back, Eyes Anew! No full and true healing can take place until we are ready. Not being ready is not a sign of weakness at all. There are so many aspects to it all and things can get rather overwhelming at times. So much of a challenge to look backward. Yet, hard to move forward unless we do. I can in general relate to the whole no contact thing with your parents and am so sorry for what you went through with family members. That is a complete breach of trust and one I was exposed to at a very early age as well. I hope you are able to find some healing and peace here. One small step at a time.