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Ian37

Newbie Support Team
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    1,755
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About Ian37

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    The South
  • Interests
    Reading, Soccer, Writing, Education

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

Recent Profile Visitors

3,527 profile views
  1. New here

    Hi, Kerri J! You will find many here who do get how you're feeling even if only in general. That will hopefully provide you some comfort at least. Not to mention more calm as well while you start your journey toward hopeful healing.
  2. I’m new here

    Welcome, Victoria K! All of this can be such a challenge and we are glad to have you here with us. You need not struggle alone all the time. This is a place to find both complete comfort and sincere support. Take your time to explore all that the boards have to offer.
  3. Another newbie

    Hi, Curious_george! Sometimes, we say the most with very little. You will definitely find some of that support you're seeking here. There are many sincere souls around these parts who will try helping you feel at least a little less alone.
  4. Hi - I'm new to After Silence

    Hi, Belle in Australia! It can truly feel like we are isolated and lost at times. No one will fully get all we feel and think. There can be sincere strength though in general unity. I hope you find some comfort within this safe space going forward.
  5. Hi!

    Welcome, Howie! May the sincere support you find both on and outside of here make you feel some sense of comfort going forward.
  6. Hi There

    Welcome, Ella Fawn! You have found an awesome group here that hopefully will give some sense of unity within your journey.
  7. I’m dying inside

    Nails on a Chalkboard, I am so sorry to see what happened to you. Please try to fully accept that any kind of assault is still unacceptable since it is a violation of personal space. I totally get you feeling that there is no way out right now. All of this is still rather recent at this point. How horrible and insulting really for 'family and friends' to be suggesting you just get over something like this. Shame on them for even saying that. No one will ever fully get what happened. Though there also can be some strength in general unity through places like this where others really do care and will get a lot of it. I wish I'd be able to say that it will be all better soon. Just have to take it one moment at a time sometimes is all. I do feel that getting things out may be important getting forward and it's taken a lot of courage coming on here and telling your story.
  8. My First Entry

    Alexis, I have always found writing in general to be rather therapeutic. So much can be taken away from us. No one can take away the words we put on the page. Opening up also allows us to see that we are truly in general never alone. Even though no one else may be able to fully get how we feel specifically. I am so sorry to see what happened to you. You never should have been confronted by such a thing. Self-blame can be quite acute and even debilitating in some ways. Just one of the terrible tactics these tyrants use against us. Making us somehow doubt ourselves so as to take the blame away from where it truly belongs. It may not make sense within a mind. Yet that does not make it any less real to us all the same. You seem open to what life brings you going forward. Even though the path cannot sadly enough ever be fully straight. There is a lot of courage and strength within this. It is not easy to open up about some of this stuff. That does not make it any less important. Conversation can open up the door for more possibilities going forward.
  9. Coming back...

    Welcome back, Me89! I hope this finds you hanging in there.
  10. Hey Everyone - Coming to Terms

    Bam, first of all, welcome to a very helpful and what will hopefully prove to be a healing site. Please know that the hardest days at times tend to come after the actual abuse. This on top of having to experience the normal stresses of life. It is a further challenge being responsible for the lives of children when dealing with any let alone all of this. We just have to do the best possible sometimes. No one else will fully ever 'get it'. There is still strength possible through general unity. Talking about things may prove to be helpful even if all the answers do not come right away. Being here will hopefully prove to be a positive and proactive start.
  11. Taking Responsibility

    Luna Rosa, it sincerely saddens me to see that you can perhaps sort of relate yet also makes me feel a little less alone as well. It really does suck to think we are worth less than we're meant to now because of a messed up past. It is definitely all a work in progress on this end too. Though, there also always needs to be a start.
  12. Taking Responsibility

    Luna Rosa, I got married very early on in life as well. Depression and uncertainty can be a rather intense combination. I basically just ate up the attention of the first woman to show me any at all. So, I cared for this woman very much. She was a good individual. Just was not the best fit for me really in any possible way. My hope was to find a way out. Though the outcome was even more a sense of being lost. I do not think of you as horrible at all to be honest though. Nor dumb at all. Because it does not seem as if you got with him with the intention to cause harm or hurt. There are always two souls out there in any kind of relationship. So he takes just as much responsibility as a result. It's not a knock on him. Just the honest truth of any relationship leaving both parties both open and vulnerable. This person was likely not the best for you. Thus that maybe make it hard to give another all of yourself. I'm so sorry for all you have gone through. Cannot even imagine what it must have felt like losing a baby like that. It really is not easy to break certain patterns. Even those that may not be the best for us. So maybe his not always best attention toward you was seemingly better than none at all. I have always struggled with self-worth and it has had a huge effect on those who I've associated with. Please try to appreciate though that just because the general timing may not have bene right, it's not a definitive indication of what always will be a specific way. You may end up down the line find the right one for you. Or you may not end up with anyone at all. Not like you necessarily need another to determine or justify your ultimate happiness. Though, my sense is you do still want to perhaps end up with someone. I honestly and sincerely want this more than anything else. Not because of what I need. Much more of what I want to give. Just to the right individual is all. Just that it may not be in the cards. So, my challenge now is realizing that forcing my future happiness on one other soul may just mean more going forward. My hope is that you are able to find some rest in the days to come. Even though none of this is bound to be easy at all. I do think it is absolutely awesome that you are taking more of that responsibility lately. Though that does not mean you have made all of these mistakes either. We just cannot always control what will happen to us in life. Though, we can choose how we'll respond going forward. There can maybe be some sense of empowerment in that.
  13. Another Day...

    Luna Rosa, you are more than welcome. I just know that this can seem so overwhelming. You are very kind to have concern for my own struggles. I really am trying to forgive myself for prior mistakes and get rid of past negative within my life. That lack of control is a huge issue with me as well. Not that I want to be controlling of anyone else at all. I have been abused repeatedly and the last thing wanted now is telling anyone else what to do. Interesting that you mention being detached. I just do not like not knowing myself and would rather know what's what in advance. May I ask what has made you feel more in control as of late? It seems like the more I tend to try taking it there is then even less felt. Giving to and helping others has always made me feel a little more in control I guess. There is just this definite disconnect in where I am wanting to be in life. Yet then where I actually am. I have worked hard for certain things and it honestly sort of sucks when certain ones you want the most have not come to full fruition. Self-sabotage is definitely one of the patterns I am determined to get fully rid of. I am trying to realize I'm more deserving of more positive. Even though some of my past actions have been negative. It is just not easy changing in a day or two what one has been used to for years. I do know that fear of being hurt once again can be a prominent presence within our minds as well. Staying on the side can sort of self-protect us from more bad. Or at least that is the definite hope and possible outcome.
  14. Another Day...

    Luna Rosa, I'm hoping a male perspective is okay. Not to mention a whole bunch of rambling as well. I am so sorry to see you struggling like this. I do in general know what it is like just trying to get through a moment let alone whole day sometimes. It truly can start to feel like you're going through the motions at times. Sort of like merely existing and not fully living. Which can be a challenge to those of us who want to completely embrace everything positive and proactive. It just sucks when what we want within our mind struggles coming to fruition. Going through these exact motions can be extremely exhausting in every single possible way. It takes a lot of energy to pretend. This can make it difficult when trying to communicate and converse with the outside world. Easy to feel sometimes deep inside yet hard to express those feelings in a outward way. These kinds of inconsistencies can also be a challenge in dealing with. All can seem like cycles of chaos at times and make it all become rather overwhelming. I want to feel completely better like yesterday and have all the answers the day before that. So much I have wanted and want to experience in life. Yet this traumatic abuse from one individual seems to have such a total impact on every single area within my life. Not sure if that makes any sense at all. Or if you may be able to relate perhaps in general. I just do not like feeling a lack of control. When control was so violently ripped away from me so unexpectedly in the first place. Uncertainty can be as debilitating as knowing what's bad. Because of the anxiety and fear which may come as a result. Feeling a lack of self-worth is not fun at all. I do think that the doubt is one thing that abusers happen to use against us. Since this maybe makes them feel more empowered and also less guilty as well. I have made so many mistakes and hurt multiple others along the way. Not because of ill intent. Simply as not really caring for my own self more than anything else. I think it is important though to try recognizing intent. My guess is that you do not want to be manipulative and mean all the time. Maybe you are simply just feeling lost and trying to make any sense at all of what really may lack any at all. I definitely have also always felt like a burden. That no one should have to deal with all or even any of my crap. So thus they are best to stay away. Thus, I tend to self-sabotage any good within my life. Almost expecting the bad to happen so trying therefore to control it from that get-go. More than anything else I still want to be happy with another soul though. I have so much damn love to give. Just that I have not always shown this in the correct way never having been loved when growing up. I guess I'm trying to accept that others who choose interacting with me do so of their own volition. Meaning maybe it is not always up to me deciding if I am worthy of that interaction in the first place. I do in general also get what you say about listening. Much easier for someone to talk. All of this can be so lonely and make one feel completely alone. As if no one else out there will ever get us or even care. Please know that there can at least be some unity within general support. That what you say is important and does hold a lot of worth. Even if that fact is not always felt.
  15. When life hands you lemons...

    A Person, it truly is all about getting from one day to the next at times. What is best on one of them may not even be the same that next. Which makes it even more of a challenge trying to find any of that consistency. It can be such a fine line at times trying to balance in between pushing too hard and not doing enough. Not to mention in between moving too fast and staying still. Staying still can be more comfortable over a temporary period of time. It may help us not get even more overwhelmed. It just may not be a permanently positive and proactive solution is all. It sort of sucks not having any real basic blueprint.
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