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About Ian37

  • Birthday March 26

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    The South
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    Reading, Soccer, Writing, Education

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  1. Heartbroken and sad

    A Person, I am so sorry to see of your stressful day. My abusive uncle always used to suggest that tears are a sign of weakness. Hence one of the many reasons he was so aggressive. I personally feel that tears do not always have to be a bad thing. Even though that does not make them any easier really to shed. You know your own self best even with any possible doubts. So if you feel that staying at home will make things worse, then maybe going into the office is best. I am going through a lot of stress on this end and work actually takes my mind off things going on at home. It is simply a different kind of stress and one in which I have the opportunity to be productive while trying to make a difference in the lives of innocent others. Have to do what is needed at times just in getting through a day and this may be different moment to moment. Please know that it is really not possible to have all these great days all the time. Having a rough day or two does not mean you're weak as a result. Nor is it any kind of bad reflection on you either. Maybe some extra rest over the next few days may help to bring the start of some calm. Rest is not doing nothing and can be just as productive as anything out there.
  2. Epiphany?

    Ex Dancer, nothing wrong at all with taking a day or two to analyze and reflect. Especially since life tends to come at us so quickly at times. That is really great that you've been able to find this sense of peace within yourself! By finding so much worth outside of that so to speak. There really is something so amazing about the miracle of birth. Any sense that can be made amid all this chaos cannot help but be a positive and proactive thing. Maybe our lives may not be how we originally planned. Yet that does not have to mean they're without worth. Just means that maybe our journey is meant to be a bit different is all. Perhaps all of this negative will make us even stronger going forward while making the appreciation of this crazy thing called life even more fruitful.
  3. I'm new here, so hi

    Northern Gypsy, you have found an amazing resource filled with so many magnificent individuals. Sorry for what has brought you here though. I feel alone so much of the time as well and am just starting to try opening up more about my own self both here and with those closest to me. Please know that you are not alone in general. Please take your time to get used to the community. There is likely no one right way to jump in. My sincere hope is that you will find some sense of comfort and a little peace within this totally safe space.
  4. Hello Everyone

    Welcome, Kendra! Though I am sorry for what has brought you here. It makes sense that you're still not fully healed though even despite your abuser being in jail. There are just so many components to the after effect and some of the biggest issues tend to come up months and even years afterward. Just the fact of you having opened up to your sister and therapist took a lot of courage and being here in a completely new place suggests of further strength. We just have to do the best we can sometimes given what has confronted us. My sincere hope is that you will find some specific comfort here within the general unity.
  5. Gratitude

    Alphabet Soup, I am so sorry for what brought you here yet hopeful this will help within your journey even still. I was abused as a child and there is something about this which tends to have an effect on our lives going forward. Even when we may be hopeful that the pain is gone. Sometimes, the worst parts come years and even decades after and perhaps at the most inopportune and unexpected times. Thus why it is all kind of like some sort of cycle of chaos amid all that uncertainty. Please know that there are those who will be in general able to relate so as making you feel hopefully just a little less alone.
  6. Hoping I belong

    Honest Heart, it makes sense you would feel sort of anxious being here. This is after all a space filled with strangers at first. Doing something different can be not very easy all the time as well. You have showed such strength coming to introduce yourself even despite your worries. Though I am so sorry for what brought you here in the first place. I am also a victim of abuse while being a child and had my innocence stolen at way too early of an age. One of the most challenging parts perhaps of all this is that lack of control that tends to come up. Not easy when new things seem to come up all the time when we are least expecting. This makes it extra hard perhaps to find any sort of stability. I tried to escape my thoughts and push them to the side for so many years without realizing that this would never truly help most going forward. What is best may not always be the easiest. I have also always felt like I've never fit in. There really is a sense of loneliness that this can produce. No one will ever truly get what we are fully feeling nor what we've been through. That being said, there is some comfort I've recently taken as a result from being here knowing I am not really generally alone.
  7. Who Am I, I've always been more than okay doing for someone else. It's being touched that has always made me cringe and it brings back horrible memories. I suppose my own promiscuity and secrecy has revolved around constant shame and feeling weird for wanting anything sexual at all after what happened to me. Then there is this voice inside my head always trying to prove my abusive uncle wrong when he's insist no one would want me. It's like I want to have it all with one woman more than anything else. Just not sure if I feel deserving of it. Thus that constant confliction. That desire to please may some come from a sense of guilt. I have always felt guilty for what happened to me and almost responsible in some weird sort of way. Kind of like that by thus helping as many others as possible might make me feel a bit better about my own self. I can see how it may seem like an excuse. Not good to let one event definitively define us. Yet we also cannot help but in some ways as least be a product of what happens to us. I think that we just have to do the best possible while giving ourselves a break or two. Especially when it comes to sensitive souls like myself who really never stop thinking, none of this is ever bound to be easy. From my own personal experiences and having lost someone very dear to me that I am still trying to get back even today. I would be honest and open with him and basically just let it all out there. That way he has all of what you are feeling and thinking instead of merely parts and can decide how to personally respond. Talking is not necessarily always easy. That does not make it any less important.
  8. Who Am I, cannot even imagine what it must have been like to have that removed and I'm so sorry to hear of this news. I remember having that exact Upper GI Test you happen to speak of and them not finding anything at all. Which was and is incredibly frustrating to be honest since my stomach issues have always remained persistent and I cannot find any kind of pattern in why it is. I am actually an educator on this end but have always wanted to go into counseling. I've tended to always be okay when it comes to giving others advice. Just have had an issue when it comes to taking care of my own self. Still, helping others and being there has always made me feel at least a little better and that perhaps is what this is all about. Please try not to be hard on yourself for not helping others more at this time. You are going through a lot on that end from what it sounds like. None of us are the same and thus we perhaps should not compare ourselves to anyone nor anything else as a result. What is best for you right now is something which cannot help but be purely personal. There is a lot in life I regret on this end as well. Always easier to look back on something after the fact though and harder to get right within that rushed moment. One of the areas affected most as a result of all this is intimacy and sexuality and this has no doubt been the case with me. All of this part with my life has up till now existed in embarrassed secrecy and I have not been able to enjoy direct intimacy in a happy and heathy way as a result. The middle can always be a good place to be since it is not filled with any kind of harmful extremes. Hard for me to exist there as a result of my passionate and stubborn soul yet finding some sort of balance will likely prove to be nothing other than beneficial. I always felt all alone in so many things with this till joining as well. One thing I did not realize till recently is how many of us are hardest on our own selves. Which brings many challenges all within it's own self.
  9. Who Am I, glad to offer at least some possible perspective. Stress and I have never been the best of friends. I do think it has helped me along the way at times even still. Not all that may be best for us is something that's recognized necessarily right away. I have had a lot of stomach issues as well on this end and can relate to that even if only in general. What is even more frustrating is that there is really no consistency with it. I've been told that this relates to stress. Though it may play some sort of role, I fail to fully see how it is also the only one. It's interesting that you can relate to the whole stronger personality thing. I got with all the wrong women and was used to being treated in a certain way. Not until my most recent relationship was there really a single soul who was right for me as a result. I do realize as a result of her that not all strong souls for someone like us are bound to be a bad thing. Just perhaps something to be a little more aware of. I actually enjoy the thought of someone else making decisions at times and of being kind of a follower. Which I am sure stems from my abusive childhood. However, I also have those moments in which I'm more prone to assert myself. Ones that seem to have become a bit more prominent over time. Finding that thing called balance is bound to be quite a challenge as a result. Happy that the medicine has proven to provide some help. What we go through can really mess one up rather bad. When it comes to others within our lives, it likely takes a rather special individual who is able to put up with some of the challenges presented as a result. All that being said. It still seems as if I have been my own worst enemy.
  10. Who Am I, one of the things that traumatic abuse tends to do is change us to the core. Meaning that who we were before is no longer there going forward. There can be some sense of overwhelming stress in that. However, maybe being different going forward does not have to always be a negative. Not to dismiss or minimize anything of course. Just that perhaps there is still a chance of us finding ourselves once again. Even during those times where we feel we've got the least of all. As for the whole controlling thing. I look back on my own life and I've definitely gravitated toward stronger personalities when it comes to relationships. Maybe this comes from feeling that my voice does still does not deserve to be heard and that I should be happy for any simple kind of attention. Which perhaps stems from my not feeling comfortable speaking at all while I was young and during all of that abuse. Then, I think that my stubborn selfishness comes forth and that is where I've tended to get defensive when feeling threatened in any shape or form. I simply need to get better at this and sincerely embrace those who even have the patience to deal with me.
  11. New to AS

    Welcome to the site, Broken MD. It took a lot of courage and strength to make your first post like this. Especially since it really can be a lot all at once. There always needs to be a first step and you have definitely taken that. The great thing about a place like this is that you can settle in at your own pace without having to feel pushed while doing so. All of us have to make our own journey. However, my hope is that you will find some sincere souls who will be able to relate if only in general. There is definitely a sense of possible peace that can come from unequivocal unity.
  12. New here

    Welcome to a great community, Tina. Talking about things like this can be quite the challenge since there really is no blueprint to follow and we don't want to seem too vulnerable. This is a place in which some will be able to get you though even if only in general. There can be great comfort through sincere unity and my hope is that you find some healing thoughts throughout your personal journey.
  13. My first post!

    Courage, welcome! Sorry to hear about your recent challenging emotions. This truly is a supportive place filled with other sincere souls who will be able to relate at least in general with what you have been going through. Just the fact of you being so open even despite your doubts says a lot about your character. No need to offer anything you're not ready for. There is no blueprint when it comes to any kind of healing.
  14. new here

    Welcome to the site, Julie. No rush to do anything at all. Just have to go at your own pace. This is a very supportive place filled with so many sincere souls who want to help. You will likely find that others will be able to relate at the very least in general to some of what you've been through. Making you hopefully feel just a little less alone.
  15. diary

    Chloe, it took quite a bit of courage to post this. It sounds like you are perhaps hardest on your own self. I can definitely relate to that in general. It makes it so much more of a challenge to get through everything and likely comes as a result of what has happened to us. I am so sorry what happened to you. Again, I can relate in general at least to the abuse at such an early age. You were just an innocent child and there is no excuse at all for what happened. That anxiety thing and getting over it is sometimes easier said than done. I am a deep thinker on this end and am always analyzing and evaluating anything and everything so as to try making sense of things. Hard for my mind to even shut down. I guess I'm trying to realize that sometimes, overthinking can make us even more exhausted and have everything lead to even more frustration. You mention control and that is a huge part of everything. I have tried in the past to dismiss and run while finding that this just leads to more problems as a result. Not allowing the anxiety to take charge of us while still giving it the opportunity to come out may be a best bet at times.