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samantha2009

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About samantha2009

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    Survivor
  • Birthday 06/28/1991

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    Female
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    United States
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    healing, self care, baking & cooking

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  1. @Regenboog Hello and welcome! It is nice to meet you. I hope this place can help you on your healing journey My name is Sam, I am 28.I also find singing very therapeutic. I am a mom to two crazy little rascals who light up my life.
  2. For eight months total, the guy who was deployed (D) still kept talking to me here and there, never giving up. Asking again if he could see me when he came home for military leave. This stressed me out so much because as much as I liked him, I was too ashamed to meet him in person. I didn't want him to see me. Or know me, for real. I didn't want to be taken advantage of again. Or him regret meeting me. Worse, I didn't want him to like me still for some reason and I end up ruining his life in one of the millions of ways I thought possible already. He must have told his father about me (!!) because his dad ended up messaging me and telling me he wanted to do a surprise welcome home at the airport, and his son would really want me to be there. I struggled with this so much. I wanted to go. In my heart, I wanted to be there. I just didn't feel like I had the right to be there. I didn't feel worthy. My cousin ended up talking me into going and took me. I stood all the way in the back, behind everyone. When he spotted me, he came over, gave me the flowers he had in his hand and hugged me. I was so nervous. We spent our time together talking, eating comfort food and watching the food network together. I didn't want it to end. I felt so safe with him. He was a marine so I knew he had training in defense and I just felt so completely secure, which was a brand new feeling for me. He ended up asking me to be his date to his dads wedding, which was about a week into his trip home (they decided to do it while he was home so he could be a part of it). I accepted for some reason! I had a wonderful time. It didn't feel real to me. His family seemed so happy and full of a lot of nice, loving people. I didn't feel like I belonged at all. But he and I grew closer. It scared me. So after all this, it was time for him to go back to his base across the country. And I was really sad about it. I actually truly felt safe and secure with him. I never knew what that felt like before. I could let my guard down and feel like I didn't have to look over my shoulder when I was with him. I was beside myself when I was alone again. I also thought he would stop talking to me any day. But we remained talking, every day now-multiple times a day. I have no idea what he saw in me. At this point, when it came to the person who tormented me, I was basically cooperative. So in these situations, I would basically take myself to be used. Or "willingly" go with him. I didn't want to be terrorized anymore with being held against my will for however long. This way I could give him what he wanted, which at this point I just knew what to do to get him to be satisfied with it so he wouldn't like force me to do more. If I just played the part he wanted me to play, it could be painless, right? Or as painless as it can be in its own fucked up way. It never lasted for more than two days at this point. Probably because he had kids and couldn't get away with being absent as much. I knew he had kids because his car had car seats and toys. I remember a toddler shoe. That pierced my soul because it reminded me he was just a normal guy to everyone else. He was just a husband, a dad. But to me, he was a fucking monster. He threatened to hurt people I loved. Kill me or my "boy toy." Which I assumed was my friend (DJ) I always hung out with before who ended up taking sex from me also...or maybe even D, but I mean I know that wasn't likely because he lived in another state. How could he even do that? But I mean I didn't ever imagine he would be capable of doing the things he did to me, so a part of me was still nervous what he would be capable of if he was angry enough. So I was regularly giving him what he wanted from me. It was just the only option I felt I had back then. I didn't want anyone to be hurt because of me. I definitely didn't want anyone to know anything, I was so humiliated! I think he started using the "I will kill your brother/grandma/friends" threat more when he realized it didn't affect me as much when he threatened to kill me anymore. I just didn't care. I hoped he would sometimes. I even asked him to. I guess that was when he flipped the script. It was the same thing every time he used me though there in the end. Drugs, whatever sex he wanted or whatever he wanted to record or if he wanted me to do it with someone else. I was just a sex slave pretty much. I don't even know what this was or what it's considered. I truly felt like a sex slave though. I don't really know how else to describe it. He would make me do things on camera for "people". I don't know how it all worked back then. But he would make me do things alone while he recorded and told me what to do or record himself doing things to me. Sometimes in hotel rooms. That I drove myself to... I was so disconnected from everything at this time I didn't even react to sex except with pleasure. He Made me feel so much shame for that. Beat it into my head that no one would ever believe anything if I said I didn't want it. There was video proof I would be lying, he said. How could I argue that? I couldn't. Anytime I reflect on this I just hear him saying "nobody will ever want you" over and over. One of these times I was with him, after I returned home I noticed D had messaged me a few times. A few missed calls. I wasn't allowed to have my phone whenever I did these things with him (he would smash them if he saw it, so I just left them at home) so I didn't even know he was trying to get a hold of me until I returned home. The messages seemed worried (it had only been one evening) First, because he thought I was done speaking to him. Second, because he was actually having a bad gut feeling I was in danger (I guess he had that intuition). So I contacted him, telling him I was so sorry, I had to replace my phone... It broke my heart to have to lie to him and that alone made me want to run from him to save him, but he seemed to care about me and I don't know why!! He really truly cared about my well being and respected me. I didn't have the heart to stop talking to him. He told me this made him realize how deep his true feelings were for me. And that's when he started asking me to come to the state he was stationed in to be with him. I, of course, hesitated at first because that was just too much. But each time I had to have sex when I didn't want to, I would fantasize about moving away across the country. It seemed impossible to me. So out of this world. I was also doing what I was doing with this person who was threatening me, and I didn't feel right. I didn't feel faithful, so I didn't feel worthy. I never wanted to do these sexual things. Although I did orgasm, I didn't want to do these things with him or anyone else. But it still made me feel dirty, like I was unfaithful to someone who was committed to me somewhat. I hesitated for months. I didn't know what I would be expecting. I was so scared of so many things. D came back to visit for Christmas. He noticed I had an eating disorder this visit. I purged everything I ate the entire time he was home. I don't know why he didn't run from me. He also bought me a new phone because I was paranoid about using my other. He told me he wanted me to come back with him. I said I couldn't. I didn't understand what he possibly saw in me. The idea of leaving though became intoxicating. I was sick of being forced to do things I didn't want to do. Sick of being a joke, used for everyone to see every part of me. Violating my bodies trust with pleasure and pain. I was exhausted. Just a side note, I was always getting checked medically. Condoms were used that I remember, but I was out of it sometimes so I'm not sure about all the time...I wasn't completely ravaged but I did deal with one std...But this was way before I ever did anything with D. The first time happened to be this Christmas visit at his dads house (lol). He was so accommodating. Comforting and gentle. Which was my official first time "making love." He wanted me to go back with him but I just couldn't. Anyways, less than a month later, he left again for his base. D asked me yet again to move with him and stay for a while. I knew I was going to have to be humiliated again soon, and probably not too long after that. I decided I was going to go. Just that quick. Up and go. It was the best thing I ever did. I got my plane ticket, and flew out west! When I landed, he picked me up and took me back to this apartment that he just furnished. He had my favorite color lamp shades and kitchen towels. It's making me cry now thinking about it. I didn't understand how or why I deserved this treatment. He was/is seriously amazing to me. I probably tell him this every day, if not multiple times. I don't know why I was blessed with him but I was. He saved my life. I don't think he will ever truly know to the extent in which he saved me. I really don't think I would be alive today. Unfortunately, soon after moving there, I became really depressed. The weight of everything really fell on me and I fucking freaked out. I felt like I lied to D all this time, but there was just no way I would ever tell him anything. I was insanely paranoid my grandma would be killed or something. I just had no idea what to expect, but I knew I had to leave or I would be dead when he was done with me. Luckily D was working during the day because I was a mess around then. Picked myself up when he came home but he knew I was struggling. I started trying anything at all to try to get out of this funk and nothing was really working. One day he came home from work and we drove to this place in the middle of the desert; a small building with what looked like a warehouse size building beside it. It was the humane society and he brought me there to pick a pet to keep me company. That's when I adopted my first cat, who is laying with me right now as I type this. She still provides me comfort. I think he just always knew exactly what I needed when I needed it. He respected my space when it came to everything. He is so patient and loving. We ended up getting married eventually (going on 7 years). I fell head over heels for him. I feel safe with him. Secure. For the first time in my life. We ended up moving back to our home state before our first son was born so when he was born, our family could meet him; more so D's family. Although my home town brought a lot of painful memories to me, we moved back. I had paranoid thoughts at first and struggled with depression, but it faded some. I was here for years and started feeling normal, living my life. Being a mother and wife. Then everything came crashing into my life yet again in November of 2019. I was walking down the aisle at the grocery store as I naturally started looking at the person who was at the end of that aisle. As I stepped closer I thought "ew that looks like...oh my god that's him. He's here. What if he sees me?" And I had to walk past him because there was nowhere else for me to even go the way this store was laid out (unless I wanted to run out of the entrance I just walked into and I wasn't even sure the door would open that way for me!) It was all happening so fast. So many thoughts all at once. I don't know what compelled me to look at him. Just my own morbid curiosity I guess. He was stuck there and his eyes were wide and like bulging. He knew it was me. I kept going and went to the checkout and as I was leaving I noticed he was just now leaving the first aisle by the entrance. So weird. Almost like he was avoiding me as much as I was avoiding him. Now I'm scared to go places alone again. I have paranoid thoughts about leaving. Although it's winter and I usually am naturally a homebody, I have become reclusive and almost never leave the house unless I have to. I feel much safer at home. My husband makes me feel protected. We do have a weapon or two for protection, cameras, and a security system. So this is my safe haven and I want to stay here for now. Sometimes I feel like I should come forward to tell everyone who he truly is. What he's capable of. Because in the back of my mind, I've always had fears he would have killed me. If not me, then maybe someone. Or he could hurt someone else the way he did me. I don't know. I feel so much guilt. I know he lost his job and license to be a teacher anywhere. That may limit his easier access, but who knows what life he leads. He was obviously violent and had humiliating fantasies. I just don't know why after all he ruined of my life, why I have to feel responsible to dedicate even more of my life centered around him. It isn't fair. So I decided to fake my death and move on. It is hard. But everyone knowing the humiliation and him still not being able to be held legally accountable, I'm sure, would have crushed me beyond repair I think. I don't want him to completely annihilate me. I want to now live for ME. I also couldn't admit these things aloud. It's still too hard to admit this was all real. I can't even have social media accounts because I'm too paranoid. Even worse now that I'm a parent. I guess I can sleep nowadays without waking up freaking out like someone is standing there, but this is still looming over me way more than I would like. I'm horrified even writing it all out. I know I'll have to read this again and I'm terrified. I should be writing this out because it's a release from bottling it up for years. It's a way to get it out of me somewhat. But this also makes my thoughts so real it's really hard to come to terms with. If anyone I know were to read this I don't know how I would feel. The unknown scares me so much. I'm reverting to my severe symptoms of ptsd again. I find myself sitting and staring off for like an hour before I realize I'm even doing it. Just so consumed with thoughts. I really hope this can help me. I need help. I never felt like I could be believed with what all he did to me. I actually still don't and that's why I am terrified you're reading this. If you've somehow made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read my story. But a large part of me hopes you didn't read it this far I hope this helps and doesn't make me obsess over deleting it! sam
  3. @rj1130 I can imagine it isn’t fair the things we have to deal with after going through something like this. To have to put healing on hold to fight against the people who hurt us in the first place. To tell other people the things that were done to us, traumatizing ourselves all over again. It is just such a challenge- and in that challenge there will be bad days, but you are strong and we will all be here for you on those bad days! sitting with you if ok sam
  4. @rj1130 you are so strong. I admire your ability to confront this. I also really admire you being there for another person your attacker victimized. None of this is ever easy. Some of the time we are so blinded by the trauma we don’t even know what we should do and when. im so glad you found this site though. I hope it can help you during your healing process. I also hope the other woman he hurt receives some help for what she went through /: sam
  5. @rj1130 hello and welcome. I am so sorry for the pain that brought you here, but you found a very supportive place full of very helpful people. There are many people here with similar stories. I actually have a similar experience. I was attacked and went home and showered immediately after. Felt like I had no chance after that but I wouldn’t change trying to tell people who he was/ is. Please don’t be sorry about sharing. It was not too much at all. sitting with you if okay? sam
  6. After I returned home from Vegas, I went straight to working and trying to stay as busy as I could so I didn't have time to think or be alone to be taken as his slave again. It was 2012 now and I was working on and off for a few different restaurants and sometimes I even worked two different restaurants a day; working double shifts just to try to stay as busy and surrounded by as many people as I could. I would even hang with friends from work as much as I could just so I didn't have to be alone after. I was always terrified he would come for me again soon. He told me I wasn't done "paying my dues" so I just assumed if I let myself be vulnerable, he would do it again. This was probably 3, 4 months after the last incident: After one of my double shifts, I had come home. It was probably close to midnight. I smoked some pot in my car, and when I was walking to my porch I was grabbed from behind. I ALWAYS checked my surroundings. I was always looking around to make sure I was safe, but it was like he was a ghost and just appeared. I had my mace always with the key ring around my finger like a ring, so I had a grip. But he kept shaking my hand though until it fell in the darkness. I couldn't see his face anyways then, not like I could've used it. He could have been anywhere. It was dark outside, my guard was down and he'd won, again. And I knew this was coming soon. I was going to let him violate me again by not being careful enough. He told me it would happen and I was just waiting around I guess... I wonder how long he'd been watching me. I always felt watched, wasn't sure if I was paranoid or if he really was watching me sometimes. He had his hand over my mouth "I'm baaack." He was taunting me. Again, with the thoughts of "oh, he's going to kill me this time." I didn't think, I just acted and I bit his hand just to try to fight back any small way. He ended up letting go of my mouth and I screamed for a second before he started choking me. "I'm going to fucking kill you now!" ("Oh, I was right he is finally going to kill me. Please just don't leave me here for my grandma to find") He was forcing me back to my own car. He shoved me into my backseat and I don't remember what else happened until I woke up. I had a hell of a headache and woke up grabbing at my forehead which was bleeding (have a scar). Realizing I was somewhere else in the back of my car and I was cold because it was February. I was completely naked. One wrist was tied with some plastic ties to the door handle. MY door handle. I was in my car. The door at my feet was open and when I looked up to see I saw him there, outside smoking. I remember yelling and trying to rip my arm loose. He came at me, laying his body weight on me "Yea scream louder, I like it. Nobody can fucking hear you!" He leaned into the front seat and grabbed something and put a pill in my mouth like before "swallow it" so I did. I didn't want to be a part of whatever this was as much as I couldn't be. So I took it. I had water in my car, which I grabbed with my free hand out of the seat flap. He grabbed it while I was drinking and it ended up spilling all over me. "Look how wet you are! You are so ready." He started touching me all over. "You want this d*ck. Tell me how much you want it!" He made me give him oral. He performed oral on me. I was very confused. Now I know he just did it to humiliate me. To play mind games with me. Eventually I began reacting because of the drugs. He wanted me to react this way for some reason. I was trying with everything I had to hide it at first. But I couldn't after a while. I didn't even feel like myself. I was "feeling" all of it without wanting to. "Yea you like that? I knew you'd like it eventually sl*t" "Tell me you like it!" He melted my ties with a lighter and told me to get on top. So I did. The worst part that makes me feel so guilty and sick was when I thought I peed. I just went into my head and the next thing I remember is feeling like I had to pee and it just happened. I don't know if I said I have to pee as it happened or before but I remember panicking once it was happening. It freaked me out when I remembered he was fucking me again. I thought he was going to hit me, but he said "fuck, yea, do it again." He grabbed me by the hair and moved me face down on the seat, "yea, c*m! squirt on me" and he wouldn't stop until I did it again. After this he became fixated on this. Only later did I learn what "squirting' even was and felt so betrayed by my own body. I think at this point I realized he did have complete control over me and there really was nothing I could do. So I was completely submissive. I gave up. If it felt good, I just allowed it to feel good because it was better than the alternative. "You'll never c*m again without thinking about me." "You'll try to forget but you never will." ^This and the other two attacks are the ones etched into my mind, but I don't remember a lot of things. Just pieces of conversations, body memories caused by triggering sensations or words,remembering feelings associated with random objects that I guess can be triggering sometimes (which I don't have the full memories to, if that makes sense? example:a toddler shoe reminds me of feeling hopeless. I saw one in his car once, but I don't remember why I was in there or what happened before or after that). This "situation?" or what have you, where he used me sexually became a more regular thing. It was always basically the same as before, with less violence since he did what he intended and broke me with that violence. Drugs, sex. Making me do whatever thing he thought of. Mostly dominant, submissive where I was controlled completely and humiliated but enjoyed the pleasure physically. That was his fantasy it seemed. Like this specific one I'm sure won't sound surprising: He did a teacher-student scenario where he would ask me questions "So you need to pass my class? What are you willing to do for me samantha? can you squirt for me?" (yes he used my real name and it was even more humiliating because he threatened to send it to people I know and then they'd "know" I made "porn"). There were other scenarios like this but I just don't want to get into it. I'm scared more memories will come that I am not ready for. He taunted me with telling me he put it online to sell and thousands of people saw me. "People are going to recognize you" "Nobody will want you now, for sure." 💔 Did he really do those things? I don't know... He got something from it all. Whatever that was. The feeling of power and control. Living out his fantasies on me to show everyone. Or just re watch later. And I hated myself. I was sure if he didn't kill me, I would. I lost some of my memory around this time. Chunks gone because I guess I would rather not remember (I wish I could forget those initial attacks, though. That'd be pretty dope). Things my mom and grandma and cousins told me about recently that I have no memories of. Not sure yet what that means, or what I all don't remember. That really has me chilled to my bone. I'm still scared of the memories coming back someday. Anyways, I ended up losing most of my jobs around this time because I was a "no call, no show" and that was another tally on my worthlessness chart. I felt so fucking low. I remember lying in bed in the silence for hours, days. Just laying there staring into space. If it became too lonely, I would invite a friend or go sleep on my friends (DJ) couch. I actually only could sleep there. On his couch. In his basement bedroom in the dark, watching Kenan & Kel. I would forget where I was sometimes and wake up in a panic but this was the only place I could really sleep. Especially if my friend fell asleep on the couch with me. Even though he ended up not being the most gentle person, some of these memories in this basement are still some of my favorite... I felt completely hopeless, trying to survive one moment to the next. For some reason my friend who was deployed still continued to email me around this time. He was one of the only people who truly saw me for me and made me feel like I was worth positive attention. When he would bring up more serious topics or try to get to know me on a deeper level though, I would pull away. I couldn't let him in. I didn't really think it could possibly go anywhere. He was so much better than me. I just figured he was lonely. Which I was too, and we could just talk through our sadness. So we did. I didn't open up to him about anything I was going through though. He could tell I would pull away a lot. He told me his last relationship was with someone who was in an abusive marriage prior to their relationship, and she pulled away from him completely. He didn't want me to feel like I needed to do that. He really liked me for some reason. So I only opened up a tiny bit telling him I was still healing from trauma I had experienced and I didn't want to talk about it. I was extremely ashamed and never wanted him to know. He made me feel better about living at the moment though. He respected my space amazingly. Even through our emails. He just brought this up the other day too "when we emailed, sometimes it was just one small sentence emails." Non-intrusive, just talking about random things. He was very persistent with keeping in touch though, which we usually did through email and sometimes the occasional phone call. It took me a while to allow that. He wanted to video chat, but I couldn't bring myself to do that. I didn't like the idea of it. Looking back, I wonder if any part of him wondered if I was catfishing him. It was easy to get away with not talking to him for extended periods of time because he was across the world and almost 12 hours difference. This gave me the space I felt I needed to keep my baggage to myself. That was comforting for me in so many ways. I didn't feel like I could truly get close to anyone. I know my grandma thought I was having health issues and probably drug problems too. She really wanted me to get help, but I just didn't know what to do. She tried to help me as much as she could though. Took me to the hospital when I needed it, and took me to get any medicine I needed. I wasn't on hard drugs consistently though, myself. Only drug I managed to do on my own consistently was pot. Anything harder would kind of take me back to that feeling of being out of control of myself and I didn't like being taken back to that feeling unless I had to be. My friend in the military (D) really wanted to meet me when he came home to visit family after his deployment, so he asked if he could when he comes home. That's when I panicked and stopped talking to him for a short amount of time. I just didn't know what to say to him. I was so ashamed. I didn't know what to expect or what he expected and I panicked. It was debilitating. So I spent my time working and trying everything to not be alone. I was always with a male friend (DJ) if I was out of the house, and he made me feel safer I guess. It got to the point where I didn't even drive anymore unless I had to. I always had someone take me places. I was fucking paralyzed with fear of being killed when my guard was down. Like I said before, I would sleep on this male friends cozy basement couch or even invite him to stay over just for company. I just wanted to feel safe sometimes. We were friends. We just smoked, sometimes a beer or two, watched nostalgic tv or listened to music. I wasn't being sexually active (willingly) back then, but I could tell he was getting to that point. He would sneak into my house sometimes and just get in bed with me and kiss my face until I woke up which I found confusing. There was one instance at his house when he started kissing me. I kept telling him I didn't want to have sex. But he kept touching me, making me say "stop, not tonight. Don't." "Let me finger you at least!" and like so many other women, I just eventually stopped saying anything and he took what he wanted. He fingered me and then moved on to sex. I just gave in and accepted it. I didn't care honestly after this. We started having regular, wild sex. Did I want to? Not really, ever. I just didn't want to be alone. He seemed to really like it. So the more he liked, the more I wasn't alone. But he would do things I didn't appreciate. Like taking my phone and putting it away from me and if I received an alert he would read them first. I think he noticed I was emailing D (they were friends in HS) and I don't want to say he was jealous but he definitely seemed off about it. So I stopped talking to him. I didn't want to be controlled by another person.
  7. This house I lived in with my grandma and her husband was spacious and my neighbors weren't very close. We also didn't really lock the doors back then. And I actually didn't even think about it either... I just never..imagined. I knew I wasn't safe at school. I never thought I wouldn't be safe from him in my own home. I thought he got what he wanted. All the paranoia of feeling watched felt real now. I instinctively screamed out of pure fucking horror. He was saying things but I couldn't really focus on what he was saying. I turned and ran back toward the stairs to my room (which was on the second floor, almost like a studio apartment room). I wanted my phone! I ran upstairs and he let me. Only to chase me with laughter. "I need a huge favor! You knew you'd see me again!" There was nowhere for me to go. I was looking for anything that I could use as a weapon. I had no idea what to do. My neighbors weren't close enough to hear me scream. But I was screaming for him to not kill me. I thought for sure that's why he came there. He grabbed me from behind, pulled and sniffed my hair. "Are you scared?" He shoved his hands in my pants. He smelled like alcohol, which immediately reminded me of N. "Please don't do this to me, my grandma is coming home soon" "She can watch." I was trying to get away again, kicking, yelling at him to let me go. "Keep screaming, you're making me hard." I had two beds in my room and one was my guest bed on the other side of my room by this large window facing the large front yard. He threw me down onto that bed. Had something in his hand and I didn't know if he took it from his pocket or had it in his hands the entire time. They were scissors from our kitchen, and I thought for sure he was just going to start stabbing me so I mentally prepared for it. He put the cold blade against my skin and started cutting my clothes off instead. He told me he could do whatever he wanted. Could have me when he wanted. He was in my house and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it. He told me I was pretty much his property. I remember how badly it hurt when he was pushing on my legs, like he could get them further apart by smashing them into the bed. He was always purposely rough I think because I really felt like he hated me. "I own you. You are fucking nothing." "I could just choke the life out of you. But then I wouldn't be able to do this." And he did actually choke me this time. I stopped listening to what he was saying eventually because he was being so obnoxious, very dominant. Simply because he could and he liked the power he had over me in my own space. I have no idea how long it lasted. At one point I remember him slapping me in the face "Hello? Take this" So out of defeat and hoping it would be over soon, I did what I was told to do. He gave me a pill. He continued doing things with me which I remember up until a point. This next bit is so hard to type Fuck. The more I think about it, the more I realize how he wanted to scar me these ways. I really believe he wanted to ruin me. I think killing me would have been too easy for him; he wanted to torture and control me. I think these realizations are why I really avoid writing it. Thinking about it. I don't want to remember that rage and hatred. He rolled me over and pinned me completely down, I could not move. I was fucking freaking out. I feel like I am watching it all happen again. He put my arms behind my back and leaned into my ear and whispered "Have you ever been fucked in your ass?" I remember trying with all my strength to try to wiggle him off of my back. I never ever thought...it never crossed my mind. I was screaming and sobbing and begging. And it was all what he wanted. "Don't freak out, you will like it!" He ended up tying my hands with something before he started trying to put it in my bum. "I'm going to fucking rip you apart!" He was doing it, and it was very painful. I remember screaming and crying because it felt like he was using a knife. The last thing I remember was being on my stomach and feeling very tired. The constant thumping of my body because of him was actually putting me to sleep. Maybe whatever pill he gave me kicked in. That's the last thing I remember there. I don't have the best memory of this next few days. I don't know if things are in order, what I am still missing, what fragmented memories I do have fit where; it's all still blurry and I really hope it stays blurry. One thing I remember was I was in the back of a car as it was moving. I was naked. I was going in and out. I remember it was dark out. Seemed like just blackness. I started freaking out, having a panic attack at one point. I couldn't catch my breath and thought I was dying because he poisoned me. Another memory I have is in a room I didn't recognize thinking I was going to die, he brought me here to kill me. So many thoughts paralyzed me with fear here. I heard people, sometimes talking. Did he need help killing me? Couldn't do it on his own? I was in this room where there was only a bed, a blanket over the window, and a table. I remember being given more drugs in the arm with a needle. I wasn't terrified anymore and I guess I was more compliant, but I knew this was a situation I didn't want to be in, if that makes any sense. I wasn't restrained that I recall. People used me however they wanted to in this time I was here. I don't know how many there were. I remember two faces besides his, so I guess three people that I know of. I don't remember a lot of it, just random things I can't totally make sense of. Like showering, but not being able to stand so someone was cleaning my hair? I don't even know. Or humiliating details of being used by two men at the same time. I didn't have any sense of time because there was this thick blackout blanket thing over the window and I couldn't tell whether it was day or night. I knew my grandma was gone for days so she wouldn't even know I was gone until she came home. I thought I was going to be dead and thrown in the woods and never seen again. At least I wouldn't be home for my grandma to find though. And those were my constant thought scenarios when I was aware enough to think thoughts... At one point when I was more lucid (I was being cooperative for the most part ☹️), he asked me if I wanted to go home. I just didn't respond because I figured this was just another taunt to get me to crumble emotionally so he could get a fucking boner. "How badly do you want to get in the car and go? Badly enough to get on your knees and beg? Or just get on your knees?" He shoved me onto the floor and told me to beg him. "You're such a w**re. Nobody could look at you and think you're not" He made me give him oral. He liked to tell me he owned me while doing these things. He told me I looked like a junkie, that's all anyone would think I was. "You have two options, you're crazy or you're a criminal. You look good for either one" Like beating it into my head..He just kept moving my head the way he wanted until he was done. "Yea, swallow it all" He made me He wouldn't take his di*k out of my mouth until I did...Even though I was about to puke all over him. He choked me when I was done "I could squeeze the life out of you. No one would notice you're gone or care to fucking look for you!" "This is too much fun though" I was ripping at his hands. He let go of my throat. I was trying to breathe. I just felt so fucking done. Tortured. It was like he knew exactly how to break my spirit to turn me into what he wanted. He walked away from me, and I got scared he was getting a knife or something but he came back with a pill and some kind of liquor. "You want some candy" he shoved a pill in my mouth and told me to swallow. I gagged on the pill. He gave me that shot. I drank. He was singing "I want candy" which sends me into the fetal position whenever I do hear it now and again. I don't remember all of what followed. He told me I would like it. Everything gets very trippy around then. Everything I thought and felt just felt right. I don't really know how else to explain it. What I do remember my body began responding in a positive way to the things he was doing to me. Even though he was being very dominant, my body responded the way he wanted me to, without me wanting to! I remember thinking I needed to try to hide it as much as I could, but he caught on eventually. "Stop closing your eyes!" "Yea, see you like that. Moan!" The feeling of connecting shame and dominance with pleasure is hard to get past when you aren't a willing participant. I am not turned on by being used as a rag doll. But that night my body responded as if I was. I don't really know how to explain it... After what seemed like forever, he took me downstairs of this house. I was still completely naked. There were other people downstairs I remember seeing and this was humiliating. I felt like absolutely nothing. He jabbed my arm with a needle, and I welcomed the high. I felt relieved in that moment and for a bit after. Pretty sure he took me to the car, the next memory I have is being naked in the backseat. Maybe a control thing as to why he kept me naked? Or I just didn't have any clothes since he cut them off of me before. I have no idea 😕 I don't remember anything about getting home. I think he waited for me to come to, because I remember basically everything when I first got home. We were sitting in the idle car, he was smoking and I sat up but my right hand was tied to the door handle with a zip tie looking thing (black and thick). He threatened me a little more "Nobody will ever believe a drug w**re. You'll end up in jail for prostitution. I know people. You think anyone would believe you're not a w**re?" He opened the door I wasn't tied to and got in the back with me, "if you bite me I will choke you" and he put a mint in my mouth and he made me give him oral while he recorded it. He was so obnoxious with it I fucking hate these memories. He told me to swallow it again "don't pretend you don't like the way I taste." He got out and opened the door I was tied to and it pulled me out and down onto my driveway. I knew it was my house because of the Buddha garden decoration my grandma had by a tree in the yard. I don't know why I didn't scream here. I was so thankful just to be home. He put more drugs into my tied up arm, and then I remember not being tied up anymore. I remember being really cold. A snapshot memory of him carrying me over his shoulder. I don't remember much about how I got into the house or anything like that. I must have passed out. I woke up naked and in the bed he raped me in before. I had pissed on myself. I woke up in a panic. Wondering if I just had the worst nightmare of my life. Realizing I was naked and there were needle marks on me. I thought I was going insane. I genuinely spent hours trying to convince myself it couldn't have really happened. But the more I saw bruises and tracks, my bum hurt, there was also dry blood on my bed where he raped me anally before (how badly it felt I thought there would have been more blood). I realized somehow this was real. But it couldn't possibly be!! I was wondering how I let this happen to me again. How did I survive? Why did he let me live? And come back home? Why didn't he just kill me? I need to call the cops. But I look fucking insane rocking back and forth trying to figure out myself if what I think just happened, happened! I wouldn't be considered reliable I was sure. What day is it even? I got up to look for my phone. Couldn't find it at first (ended up finding it behind my tv stand). So I grabbed my laptop and it had been 6 days. I still had almost a week to be home alone. I went and locked all the doors and turned off all the lights. Showered in the hottest water because I still smelled like him and I needed it off. I laid down. But I didn't cry anymore. I think I was in shock. All I could remember was all the threats. How nobody believed he raped me before, why would they now? I eventually passed out. I'd wake up panicking every so often. Then passing out from pure exhaustion. Repeat. This went on for like 48 hours. I finally ate a banana and I had someone bring me some weed. I left the money in the mailbox while they dropped it in there because I was so paranoid about unlocking the doors or being seen. My body was sore. I wanted to try to forget. But I couldn't. So I smoked, took sleeping pills to sleep as long as I could. Still woke up panicking thinking someone was right there or choking me. It was horrifying. Worst time of my life. When my grandma came back into town, I avoided her. Told her I was sick in bed and although she did come in to see me, she didn't have to see most of me. I hid from her out of shame. I felt dirty. I felt like a wh**e; what he told me I was. I didn't feel like I could look people in the eye anymore. When I felt like I looked decent enough, I needed to get my phone replaced. When I found it behind my tv eventually, the screen was cracked and I had some texts from a number I didn't recognize with a video of me giving oral...it said "mint blowies are the best" So I asked my grandma if she could take me to replace it. She took me. She wanted to go out for lunch and must have thought it was strange when I asked if we could just order and take it home. Which is what we did. She knew something was wrong with me, but she didn't press me after realizing I didn't want to talk. I am glad she didn't because I would have probably had a break down and he would have been right; I would have ended up in an institution. It was really awkward and hard but I just couldn't talk to her about it. I couldn't even look her in the eye. I couldn't even think straight. I don't think I could even form sentences with my thoughts after this incident. She probably thought I was on drugs. She offered to take me to Vegas with her when she was going a few months later, and I agreed to go because honestly it sounded like just what I needed. While I was in Vegas, an old acquaintance from high school (D) reached out to me on a social media account. He was deployed in Afghanistan and started talking to me out of loneliness. I was lonely too. We talked about nothing but it made me feel like I existed for another reason than just being used. He was so far away I guess I felt comfortable developing a friendship with him. He didn't want to just have sex with me. I also didn't have to be with him in person, which it was hard for me to do and be present when it came to being around people because I carried so much shame with me. Every second of every day. But while this beautiful friendship with this guy was blossoming, I didn't realize my life was still under someone else's complete control until I did something drastic about it. I would get phone calls, sometimes saying things and sometimes not. I even received a call while I was in Vegas (we stayed with a family friend) and I remember trying so hard to not let anyone in the house hear me sobbing/hyperventilating because I was having panic attacks from the phone call. This particular time he told me he would be sending videos to my grandma and my parents. I would end up in tears only after some calls because some were worse than others; and the few times someone saw me I would just say it was an ex. I mean what could I even say? "Oh my god, I'm being harassed by this person who is torturing me and using me sexually?" I mean, I guess I wish it was that easy, but I was scared people would think I was delusional and insane. Send me to a psychiatric hospital. I didn't think anyone could possibly believe me. I even still think that. I obviously didn't feel like I had a secure outlet to talk about this. I didn't feel secure enough to turn him/them in. I didn't even know who the others were. I felt invisible. I was also extremely paranoid. I became a little more self destructive. Drinking a lot. Experimenting with drugs. I also would starve myself. Sometimes for days. And if I did eat, most of the time it came back up. It was such a dark time.
  8. samantha2009

    Hi

    @MeganMe hello and welcome! It’s lovely to meet you I hope you find this place to be as beneficial to your healing process as most of us do here! sam
  9. After high school, I'd seen him several times in random places. I felt watched. I thought I was paranoid, so I started avoiding going out altogether. N got an apartment and I moved in. I never left the house. Took online college courses. I felt safe there because it was a basement apartment and I felt shut off and hidden from the world, which I liked (and still do sometimes!) I became very reclusive. I never left the house alone. Always looking behind me. So I couldn't bare leaving the house in general. I carried a mace everywhere. I didn't even work at first, I was so scared. Fast forward a little bit more, when N was dealing with some legal issues, things were brought back up. I remember this conversation like it just happened. I was at my moms house and N came there to tell me the news. He sat down on the couch and told me he had something to tell me about his case. He told me how there was a witness who came forward to speak negatively on his character. Mind you, it had been over a year since the rape. But when he said his name, I completely shut down. Feeling intimidated all over again... N told me he would agree to the plea for the other side just so it didn't have to go to trial and have the possibility of witnesses (so I/we didn't have to see him). He told me he knew he was only doing it to fuck personally with us. So I was thankful for that in my own way (that he at least understood that this guy WAS intending to torture us anyway he could); but I also felt responsible, yet again, for everything going to shit. It was so hard to deal with. Why was he doing this? To punish N too? To show me he was still there, always? That he would never let me/us seem reliable?? Either way, I was shattered. I don't know if N deep down blamed me back then, but he pulled away from me. He had a lot of anger issues after this. It felt like he hated me sometimes. All I could do was blame myself. Everything WAS my fault. I've ruined it all. There was nothing N could do to redeem the case because of this guy, and there was nothing we could do to fight him because of who he was and how many people supported him. And around this time is the first time I found After Silence. It saved my life I think. About six months after this botched case, N was working with a local paper to help with an article about our state's education system and how there was an issue with teachers resigning after inappropriate conduct and being hired easily back into neighboring districts who didn't know of any misconduct because the info is sealed while it was being investigated. Of course his main motivation for this was because of my rapist ruining his case months before. Also, with him mentioning he resigned from a school before for a locker room incident. I never read this article when it was released; I didn't want to. N just told me that the guy who raped me had a bad temper and had been told to resign another time for losing his shit on students and slamming a chair near a student. I remember being horrified. Feeling betrayed that he was allowed to work in our school and take his rage out on me. Resigned from schools multiple times and was then allowed to be hired again. I actually felt like I didn't matter. I was heartbroken. I struggled at first with wanting to provide these articles because they have his name. But this is MY story. He did what he did. He isn't the main focus of the article because there were a lot of teachers in this school district apparently that were taking advantage of students and they actually left paper trails like emails and things... but he is obviously the early college teacher they talk about halfway through the long cover story. https://www.cantonrep.com/article/20101213/NEWS/312139823 It ended up getting worse when people I knew from high school rallied together to release an article just days after this article about the man who raped me, saying how he was an amazing "teacher and mentor" and how the previous article "exaggerated his character in a negative light." It also said the situation with my ex best friend R was a "rumor" and that she exaggerated the relationship to her peers. Which was wrong; I saw the texts! People saw things...she didn't make any of it up. If it was just a fucking "rumor" then why did he end up resigning, AGAIN?? There had to have been solid evidence of him misbehaving somewhere and I know I didn't have anything on him but my word nobody believed. This was what completely shushed me. I didn't think I could ever fight an entire school full of people who loved a teacher who told us he had a huge penis or joked about his sex life or sex in general! Like that alone should have made these students realize "hmmm maybe he is a little inappropriate..." but NO, I'm the fucking liar apparently!! https://www.cantonrep.com/x2068974377/Story-portrayed-great-teacher-and-mentor-in-wrong-light Rereading this^ makes me physically ill. I don't know why I did, but I did. Anyways... N and I ended up parting ways after he got violent with me a few times. He had a lot of problems after I ruined his life. He began drinking more and abusing drugs, and he began to take his anger out on me. He told me he wanted to see other people and after leaving me for a short time, he said he wanted me back. I didn't want him back though. I didn't want anyone. So this was another violent episode that was extremely triggering. N knows it was and has since apologized (but I mean it was fucked up). In short, he came to my moms house and dragged me out by my throat to his car and made me sit in there with him while he was drunk and threatening to hurt me if I didn't take him back. At one point saying (after he just choked me mind you) "Stop looking so scared of me! I'm not him. I could take you to the backseat and rape you like him, but I wouldn't do that! So stop looking so scared of me!" I never really understood why he felt he needed to go there and say that. Maybe he was triggered that I looked horrified of him like he imagined I looked the day I was raped, which I know he thought about often. I tried to stay as strong as I could and speak reasonably to him. I really don't remember how I got back inside of my moms house. After all of this, I didn't feel like I could talk about my past ever again, so I vowed to try to act like it didn't happen. Which worked for a while. I ended up becoming a little promiscuous. I lost my virginity to N and never had sex with anyone else. So after N and I broke up, I guess for some reason I decided to act out sexually. I had sex with multiple guys in a short amount of time. One of them for a while though. In 2011, I was not with N anymore. I was working a lot. At this point, I was living in my grandmas house again. I had a lot of alone time since they were not home for chunks of time. My grandma worked a lot and her husband was a pilot for an airline. They also traveled a bit. I liked the privacy and the solace though, until the second rape. My grandma was able to travel a lot for free, perks for having a husband in the field. So they would go on vacation together sometimes to visit family or friends in Florida or Texas mostly. This particular time I was home alone while they were gone for about two weeks. After they were gone for about two days, I heard noises downstairs. Thinking it was our outdoor cat, a cousin, or maybe even my grandma home early sick, I went down my steps to see. When I reached the dining room, I saw someone at the counter moving toward the island touching things and I thought for sure it had to be family. But then he looked up at me and I remember freezing for what felt like way too long, or maybe everything was slow motion; I don't remember what he said to me. I had a bad feeling and I knew I needed to try to get away from him. This was terrifying. I will never forget the pure panic I felt. It makes it harder to open up about these specific things at this point because I realize some people wouldn't want to believe these things can happen. Or maybe he just made me think nobody would ever believe me no matter what. I don't really know. I am only just allowing myself to admit most things about this entire thing
  10. It was a dreary day. End of March my senior year. I decided I wanted to skip my morning classes this day because my boyfriend wasn't coming that morning anyways. We had our own building on this high school campus for this college program I was a part of. It was on the corner of campus, but sort of isolated from the other buildings, of course. I smoked some weed across the street where everyone smoked cigs before school. I was alone though. I remember walking around outside, calling N (my boyfriend at the time) and he didn't answer. I wanted to skip that morning and go see him but instead I decided I would just go get some coffee and food or something if he didn't answer. Before I could even look up from my purse after putting my phone away, I felt someone close. It was him. At first I froze because I just didn't know what he was doing outside, but my stomach turned. I couldn't even react. If there was even any time. He sniffed me and told me he needed me to come with him and I thought, well fuck I'm busted for the joint I smoked moments before (fucking buzzkill). At least that's what came to my mind when I heard him sniff. I never thought anything more than that. I figured he wanted to punish me (as far as getting me into trouble with the principal or something normal) because my boyfriend always started fights with him and embarrassed him. Well, he ended up taking me toward the main doors, which was on the way to the student parking lot. Only he kept going. Skipping the entrance. The doors I should have bolted for. He led me, grabbing my arm slightly. Not much further to go "can we talk? I just want to talk." At this point, stupidly I thought "Oh ok. Maybe he doesn't want to get me into trouble" (Fucking dumb thought). I didn't even want to be at school to begin with, I just wanted to leave until my first college class later.. So part of me didn't want to go in there anyways. "Talk about what??" I said. But as we were heading away from the doors of the main building to the student parking area, he must have noticed nobody around because he grabbed me harder, walked faster. I naturally was starting to tense and try to pull away somewhat. He told me "Stop moving" and before I knew it he shoved me into the back of his car. I don't know why it was in student parking. But it was pretty much isolated. I don't know why I didn't run or scream. It really didn't cross my mind at that point that this could be anything violent. Then I heard the doors lock and saw he was right next to me. At this point I was terrified. His windows were tinted. I felt uneasy. First thing he said to me was "why do you look so confused? I thought this was what you wanted. You keep talking about it." and smiled at me. That smile gave me chills. Like there was pure evil in it. I didn't know what to expect because I guess I'm the most naive person, but I knew I didn't expect any kind of sexual thing. I was also young and never thought this kind of thing would ever happen to me. But after he smiled at me like that, my stomach jumped into my throat. It now crossed my mind and I felt sick. I looked at the floor and closed my eyes "what do you want from me??" He didn't say anything. Just grabbed my face and turned my head to where I was facing him. He came in to kiss me and I tried with everything I had to pull away. Trying to go for the door, but he grabbed me and threw me against the seat and everything happened so fast. He was ripping my pants down and I was trying to pull them back up, desperately trying to keep myself covered. But he wouldn't let me, it just made him more forceful. "Get off of me!" I couldn't believe I followed him here, to this! I couldn't believe I was so stupid. I was trying to shove any part of him I could grab away from me and telling him I couldn't do this, he couldn't do this. "Sshhh, I can" he pulled my shirt down. He leaned into me as he pulled my sweatpants, underwear and shoes off all at once, just tearing it all off me. Leaning into me more, crushing me with his body weight, he took his pants down. He touched me with his hand and put his fingers in me. Before I knew it he put it inside, as rough as he could it seemed. "Ouch you're hurting me!" was all I could say. "Good" breathing hot breath all on me. I was being smashed into this small space and trying to get even just a foot away, to breathe. But there was nowhere I could go. I felt so trapped. I tried once more to fight him off by pushing on his face when I had the chance, but he flipped shit about that. He grabbed my arm, threw it down and punched the car seat multiple times. This was terrifying. I thought he was going to start hitting me. So I guess I became more submissive at this point. He didn't hit me though. He put his hand around my neck, which scared me at first. But he never actively choked me. Just touched me like he was going to choke me? He kept going and saying vile things to me (which I don't remember all of) until he decided he wanted something else. He was always holding onto my arms, guiding me. He sat down on the seat and made me sit on top of him, facing away. He held my arms behind me as he continued doing what he wanted. All I remember was him pushing me more into the back of the front seat. "Turn around and ride me." I was mortified. I had no idea what I was doing. And this is where it gets even more humiliating for me. These parts make me obsess with deleting what I write. I'm so ashamed! I didn't want to do any of this! But I also wanted it to be over with. So I turned around and he put it back inside He grabbed my hips and squeezed "do you like that?" I was unresponsive but he made me tell him I did. I tried to keep my eyes closed because I couldn't stand looking at him. He told me I was too stiff "loosen up." I started to cry in a panic, almost hyperventilating. "Open your eyes, look at what you're doing." The next thing I remember, he grabbed my arms hard and held them on either side against me until he finished. He leaned into me breathing hard, and all I remember is crying and trying to do it quietly. I couldn't believe where I was and what was happening to me. I was trying to figure out how I could even get out of the car. All I wanted was to get off and away from him, but when I tried to move my arms away from him, he wouldn't let me go. Made me stay there on him. He would let me pull away a little and then pull me back down, laughing. So I just stayed there, humiliated and broken. "Were you a virgin? Did I just pop your cherry?" He didn't but I definitely wasn't experienced and I guess I was bleeding, which I guess he liked. I lost my virginity not long before this. I only had sex a few times before this with N. I didn't respond to him. But he got really excited thinking I was... looking at me with wide, crazy eyes. It was horrifying! I think he wanted to ruin me. Like he thought his career was over so he didn't even care anymore and just wanted to cause as much pain and torment as he could. When I was finally allowed to get up, I was in a panic looking for my clothes. I couldn't see them, which he enjoyed watching me freak out. I remember not finding my underwear. I threw my clothes and shoes on and tried to grab for the locked door. There were no lock switches on these back doors, so I couldn't unlock the doors to get out. He liked watching me panic with fear. He fed off of it. I asked "Can I please go? I won't tell anybody" He said "I know" "Hey, I hope your boyfriend likes the way I taste" with a huge grin, and he unlocked the doors with his keys and I fucking ran for my life. Confused and trying to make sense of what all just happened. If this really just happened. What am I going to do? I went home, showered and laid down in bed and cried until I couldn't anymore. Wondering why he let me out of the car. Thinking how I needed to tell someone. But being humiliated and scared. Remembering him saying people would just think I had a crush on him and that really bothered me. I didn't understand if I told people he hurt me why anyone would assume "oh she must have a crush on him." As a 17 year old who wasn't at all experienced with anything, I didn't get it back then. But reflecting on it as an older woman now, I see he probably meant everyone would think I made it up "crying rape" to ruin his precious image or whatever. I remember he told us students he had a friend in law enforcement before; how he also charmed his way out of any wrong doing he seemed to commit (like the previous school locker room incident), I was just so discouraged. Anyways, I called N and when he finally called me back, I could tell it just wasn't a good time to talk to him. I didn't even want to tell him anyways. Or anyone. But it was eating me alive. I didn't have anyone else in my life around then. I didn't live with either parent and they both had priorities that didn't involve me... My grandma, who I lived with (I miss her so much 😭) was always working and stressed. She also had bad health; specifically heart issues and I sure as hell didn't want to stress her with my problems. I felt so alone and isolated. So I drank some alcohol just to try to sleep. N ended up showing up at my house, which I didn't expect. Probably because I wouldn't respond to him since I was pissed he wouldn't answer me earlier. He started asking me questions. I looked horrible so I guess that warranted it. I was tearing up so he knew something was wrong, but I really didn't want to talk about it. He wouldn't let up though. "Why are you so upset? Whats going on? Is it your mom?" She stressed me a lot back then so I think naturally that was his first idea. It could have been the alcohol or maybe I was desperate to be seen with this pain, but I muttered "someone hurt me today." "What do you mean?" "Someone forced me" and at this point I was trying with everything I had not to cry more but I couldn't stop it from flooding. He looked at me with pure confusion and what looked to me, at first, as disbelief "forced you what?" So I started to close off and needed to sit down. I ran back to my room where I could sit. He followed me "forced you?" My ears began to ring and I just crumbled. He was still saying stuff but I couldn't even focus anymore. "Like sex?? When? Where?? Who was it????" is some of what I could hear as I ran to my trash can and puked. My head began to spin. And I felt foolish and guilty for saying something. So much shame. N told me I needed to tell someone. I had to tell him who it was first. He asked me a lot of questions and found out it happened at school. With more and more questions I became more uncomfortable and laid down, which he then guessed eventually. He wasn't his first guess though, because I mean seriously who would think that?! When I wouldn't give him a direct answer, he said "just tell me it wasn't him" and I fucking lost it. Once he was confident enough in what he wanted to know, he told me he had to leave. He had to go because he couldn't just sit there. He was too angry and wanted to punch my wall. I freaked out and told him "please don't do something stupid!" Maybe I was selfish in that moment, but I really just wanted him to hold me and tell me it was ok. I just wanted to feel like I mattered at all. And that loneliness added to my feeling of worthlessness and like no one could ever truly understand what happened or truly care. I didn't know what I could do so I called N after he left just to make sure he wasn't going to do something impulsive or crazy. He promised me he wouldn't, he just needed to think clearly right now. He ended up telling me I HAD to tell someone at the school. I had to let someone know what happened. I don't know why our first thought wasn't the cops. I didn't even think about going to the police honestly. I was just so damn scared. So two days after that horrible day, N accompanied me to school. There was the principal of our section of the school and a teacher of my choosing (they let me for comfort, I guess). I couldn't speak. N asked if he should leave the room, if that'd make it easier. I cried and ran out of the office. He followed and told me he saw how hard it was on me, but they needed to know who he really was. So after I gathered myself, I went back in. N offered to go get drinks from the cafeteria with the principal if it was ok with me, and I agreed because it was hard enough to talk to him about this. The teacher said "if it makes you more comfortable, you can avoid using "I" or "me" when you talk about this." So that's what I did. I said "this teacher hurt a student." I was very vague because deep down I was terrified and too embarrassed. When N and the principal came back, they asked me a few more questions. I answered, and then they picked up the phone to call my mom. I panicked. I didn't want her to know. I didn't know what I was thinking going there, telling them these things and thinking everyone wasn't going to find out my humiliation soon. I clammed up and ran out, N following me and we left. I didn't go back to school except to get my things. And when I did that I saw the guy who raped me in the office. I found out later he was putting in his paternity leave for the rest of the year because his wife was giving birth soon. I didn't know anything about him except random things he told our classroom when we were his students, and hearing he was about to become a father made me fucking sick. Made me question even more things. I also soon after this found out the school gave him a lawyer after I told them, in so many words, that he hurt me. That intimidated me beyond repair. I felt so isolated, alone, ashamed. To me, at that time, I just wanted to forget any of it ever happened. I was young and I regret not doing things differently back then. I just didn't know what to do. I was so lost and so confused; felt trapped. If he was also close to someone in the law, then it made sense why he seemed arrogant. Also made sense why he already had a lawyer. This intimidation, in turn, caused me to make bad decisions. I didn't hear anything else from the school or anything from an investigator or anything like that. They contacted a lawyer for him but not a cop for me 😠 So I think that added to my decision to bury it deep. I was so close to the end of the school year when I stopped going that I still graduated. Even if I wasn't on track to graduate, I don't know if I could have gone back there anyways. The teacher I opened up to spoke to me at my graduation and asked me if I was doing okay, but that was it and I never heard anything else about it. N tried to tell the school to get phone records to show he was interacting with female students outside of school (which was my ex best friend R). He told them this info because he was trying to show them how he wasn't what he was saying he was. But they didn't care. Or at least I didn't think they did at the time (I much later found out he was made to resign from my school in June, two months after the rape. Not sure if it was because of the phone records or me sobbing in the office telling them he hurt me.) But back then, I felt incredibly alone. I thought if I buried it and never spoke about it, it would all be over. But I swear, this person wanted me to be miserable with every embarrassment he suffered from me trying to tell on him.I guess I tried to turn him in, I really did the best I knew how back then. I still have so much anger and shame with myself though that he is still free, but I mean what else was I supposed to do as a 17 year old with no parental guidance? I don't know what to feel about myself some days...
  11. I've managed to muster up some courage to write my story some. I hate that it's going to be so long. It's taken a lot out of me to start thinking about it all; but I felt like I had to try to write some of it down. Especially after having seen him recently, I cannot stop thinking about it. It's invading most of my thoughts and my sleep. I just want some relief. Maybe this can give me a little. Or at least I can sleep without clawing my arms. I'm sorry that it's detailed. I need to get it out. I need to let it be known what he is capable of. Since everyone seems to think he was/is perfect and never did anything truly wrong, red flag after red flag! Anyways! I'll start at the beginning of it all: When I was 15, I was in this program where we could take college courses in high school. The professors would actually come from the college to our campus for our classes, and I thought that was pretty legit. We had our own small building on this corner section of the campus. We also had our own set of high school teachers who taught in our building. One of them was someone everyone seemed to mesh with right from the start. He was well liked and respected, but soon into this school year I noticed he was inappropriate. He would make sex jokes to make the teens laugh and even joke about his penis size. "Hung like a bull" was the joke. He also mentioned how he walked into the girls locker room by "accident" at a previous school he worked in. He literally told us he ended up resigning before they let him go. I guess he was so charming they gave him the courtesy to choose.. I have NO idea why he felt compelled to tell us this or thought it was okay to tell us this; or why everyone else was like "wow, those damn girls told on you!" Maybe it had something to do with the fact he thought he was invincible. And how he knew how to charm people into thinking he was something he was not...I always knew he was crossing the line (and he made me uncomfortable most of the time), but nobody else seemed to care or didn't act like they did. He really knew how to get into everyone's heads, especially the students. He knew exactly what to do and say to get people to trust him. Everyone I was surrounded by just adored him. It gives me chills as I type it 😠 In hindsight, there were many things I see now that were so obviously inappropriate it makes my blood boil to think people didn't make note of it or care; especially after I told them what he did. Like when he would record all of us students on his personal video camera for what he called "Ohio State Pride". So it went like this, he would play music and have the students in each class dance while he recorded it. I know this sounds fucking crazy now as I realize it all again. I was 15, uncomfortable, and everyone else was so happy and excited about it all! Nobody saw this as weird. Other teachers knew and didn't bat an eye! I don't get it!! It makes my skin crawl. Another thing I randomly remember is the inappropriate things he would allow us to watch in his class. He showed a standup of Dane Cook. Which was funny but I remember being extremely uncomfortable when one of his jokes was about female masturbation. I felt gross watching it because the joke was about masturbating for women being similar to being a music dj with the turntables, and we all knew he was a dj. He also would play songs before/in between classes each day, I guess like a dj would. But sometimes I would notice he would play a song I had on my myspace acount at the time; and I always felt dumb for thinking he was singling me out but I mean sometimes I would change it to things I didn't even care for just to see if he would copy me, and sure enough yes he did. It was like a conversation he was trying to have with me or something. I don't really fuckin know. It's like he got some sick thrill out of it all. I really feel so dirty looking back on all these things that I didn't realize was so insane until allowing myself to think about it all now. It's definitely bringing up memories and those shameful feelings all over again Anyways, he never gave me any extra attention that he didn't give to everyone else. He offered to help me with projects and things, but he offered that to others. He never groomed me by trying to get to know me or anything at all like that; I also never took his bait as far as wanting to stay after school with him or ask him for help with things. Looking back though, I can recall him grooming what was my best friend at the time (R). Like wanting to get together with her after school and "hang out" she told me. They would text and talk on the phone; she showed me messages so I know it was true (which comes up again later, that's why I emphasize it). I told her all that was weird and she should never do that. All that time, I thought he was going to try and have sex with her or something. From what she told me though the last time we spoke (a long, long time ago), they never did anything like that. She said he was never sexually inappropriate with her. Which makes me question whether she was honest with me or if he just saw me as weaker, easier prey. But I mean, wouldn't she have been easier prey since she was actually interested in him? I don't really get it. Well, fast forward to about the end of that school year, I remember getting off the bus in my neighborhood and seeing him in a car near my street and thinking that was strange... But I acted like I didn't see him and went home. I thought it must have been a coincidence. Later that same month, he tried to touch me when we had to be alone at school. I was asking a question about a project, and he touched my thigh. It was in the way he touched it though, it made me feel dirty. Grown men don't touch teenage girls bodies do they, especially their thighs? Closer to my privates than to my knee, and I knew that wasn't right. That was personal space I felt like. I never had any other teacher put their hands on me this way. All I did was ask a question. But now I felt dirty. He also MADE me stay after class to ask this question. Remained "busy" until about everyone but one person left the room. By the time I finished my question, we were alone. I just feel like, looking back, everything was so methodical it's driving me crazy!! Or he just had stupid fucking luck! Moving into the next school year, I remember how much he wanted to be our junior year history teacher. Fortunately, he didn't and we ended up having more classes in the main high school building. As I was visiting one of my freshman teachers in the college building on campus, he seized his opportunity to get me alone again. He asked this teacher if he could see me a minute, and this teacher told him to write me a pass to my next class. He wanted me to help him carry equipment from his car to his classroom. I didn't understand why he didn't just ask a male student who was stronger, or a group of students. Obviously he wanted to isolate me and I was easy prey I guess. Naive. Inexperienced. I helped him for some stupid reason. He had authority over me, and I was manipulated time and again by him because of this. I just never thought anything too uncomfortable could happen AT school. It seemed way too far fetched. There was only a moment, which I couldn't react quickly enough, where he leaned into my face and I froze. He kissed me, like a peck half on my lips and cheek. Mainly because I instinctively jerked away a little. "Thanks for the help" and he winked at me. I was in shock about this. I didn't understand how to tell anyone this. However, I knew I wanted to avoid being alone with him from now on. He made my stomach turn. It's like my being knew how sadistic he was deep down. His presence actually made my stomach churn. Now that I look back on it, this is when I started suffering chronic nausea. Probably my anxiety having to be around him. I remember him doing other small things during school. Like one time I was walking past his classroom to get to another class when I ignorantly made eye contact with him and he licked his lip and bit it. He looked me up and down and made me feel sick.. I didn't really know even back then how to word it tell anyone these things. I started skipping school a lot more. I had a close male friend this school year (N), and seeing that my female best friend was infatuated with this fuckin creep, I didn't feel like I could open up to her about how uncomfortable he made me feel. Plus, I tested the waters with her by mentioning something small before and she seemed to get really defensive for him. How he could never do anything inappropriate... I didn't really know what to do. I felt intimidated that even the girl he was so obviously trying to get close to didn't even see anything wrong with his actions. She seemed to actually get mad at ME for being weirded out about a sex game he told us he played in college. Am I fucking crazy for thinking he shouldn't have been going there?? I mean I don't get it...So I ended up hinting to N that this teacher was a little odd. Putting feelers out for his reaction. Instead of bringing up my own personal experiences, I flaked out of embarrassment and told him about the close relationship he was creating with my best friend. He told me that wasn't normal and I should tell her how I felt about it. So I did tell her I didn't like how he was trying to manipulate her, and our friendship fell completely apart. She of course was all about taking his side. N and I became closer after this and actually ended up dating senior year. I guess now that I think about it, I know R must have opened up to that teacher about what I did tell her about him; and that was that he was creepy, manipulative and putting feelers out for teenage girls. I am guessing he loathed my interpretation of him. Someone once mentioned he was intimidated by me not being manipulated by him back then and that made him want to silence me even more. Someone else also mentioned that he was offended I didn't respond to his sexual advances, and I didn't because I was more attracted to the beautiful girl in school rather than some teacher (which my confusing attraction to women was why I never dated anyone before N). Before N and I dated, he actually had a friendly relationship with this teacher. There was a school band that this teacher created and N was one of the lead singers.They even have a video on youtube, but I can't and won't look for it. At first I thought it was cool. R was in the group too and with N knowing a little inside of the relationship between her and the teacher, he noticed things others didn't about their relationship that made him uncomfortable outright. He was not one to keep quiet, so this is where the embarrassment for this teacher started. N would make puns and things to call the teacher out. When N told me about these things, I guess I started to feel like I could say some of the things that made me uncomfortable when it came to this guy; just telling him he made me uncomfortable at first. Then I told him about the way he touched my thigh and asked me to help him carry a bass guitar to his classroom and kissed my face. N flipped out. He was so pissed. Pissed enough to react personally to him. He also told a school administrator his family knew to look into this teacher and his misconduct. I think this was the deciding factor for this guy to torture me any way he could out of rage and retaliation. We had empty classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays since our college classes were Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. We usually had teachers as monitors of those rooms. So I still had to see this guy sometimes even though he was a sophomore teacher. There was a specific instance where this teacher got his hair cut, and N asked him, in front of tons of other students, if it was his "state cut" which I guess is a slang term for the haircut you get when you first go to prison. He didn't like that at all. And from then on, they just went back and forth. One time I remember this teacher telling us all he was getting married to a woman who used to be his student. When he said it he looked right at N and said "in case anyone wanted to start a rumor, there, I was the one who told you all." I remember thinking, how is it a rumor if it's actually true? Also, another red flag for everyone, but instead everyone thought he was so cool and honest I almost want to talk to every student who witnessed these things and ask them NOW if they think he was inappropriate? Because today I feel like he would have been fired quick! Why did everyone fucking like him? Why, in the end, was I still the one who was looked at as making things up?? After all the suspicious things he did and said. Yet he was still golden. The last straw though between this teacher and my boyfriend was when N called him a b*tch after another argument and walked out of this class we had where he was the "monitor" of the room. It plays slow motion in my mind even now thinking about it. I watch him jump up after N and run out of the classroom, and my heart was pounding so loud it was all I could hear. I guess this turned out to be a huge fight in the office with a lot of name calling. N called him a pervert, pedophile attracted to teen girls. N was of course suspended, and I was on my own. This lead to me being cornered by him. "Are you obsessed with me? Why are you telling lies? I wouldn't do that. Anyone will just see a teen with a crush." That made me feel so dirty. Made me question if I had done anything to make anyone ever think I had any kind of crush on him, because I didn't. I was honestly crushing on women back then and still in denial about that. I felt really tiny, embarrassed and unseen. So alone and unsure what to do next. I wished our school had cameras because I could have had something to show them he cornered me; what other reason would he have to do that besides threatening me? To prevent another freak out from N though, I didn't tell him this. Within weeks, when N wasn't at school (I now know he was an alcoholic, he didn't come to school a lot of mornings) this teacher had tricked me and forced me to his car in the student parking lot and raped me. Totally broke my spirit. I had dreams before this. This crippled me with fear and shame, I was stuck. I don't know if this was his intention all along, to break my soul. Or if he decided this in his rage against me with telling N he was inappropriate and all the fallout afterwards. Maybe the humiliation he felt was what he wanted me to feel times ten after all this? I don't know. That's a thought I've gathered when I think about why he did all this to me. I question this all the time. I obsess over it, honestly. He had a mission and it was to fucking torment me. Maybe even eventually kill me if I tried more to turn him in, or if I didn't abruptly leave the state. Who even knows. I didn't ever think that was where all the awkward encounters would have led me. Never.
  12. Hello @MissTattoo. I’m sorry you were violated by someone you were supposed to be able to trust /: I can relate to that.. I think it’s great you were able to send in your story though! That’s a start to being able to admit what happened. I know the fears of opening up about these things too. Being scared they will do something out of anger and malice; but you were hurt by him. He may see it and be mad but he also chose to do what he did. He was wrong. I know the feelings you are struggling with don’t just go away no matter what anyone says, but know you are not alone with your feelings. he is the wrong one. You shouldn’t harbor any guilt about his career or anything like that. I really know how you feel... I wish there was some great advice I could give because I have been through something so very similar! long story short, the first time I tried to turn my rapist in I went to my school about it where he then lost his teaching license. Honestly, he did retaliate but I think it was because it was so soon after the incident. After that first attempt went nowhere, my rapists name was published In a newspaper article. Each time there was retaliation from him but In the end I don’t regret trying to say something. He did end up losing his credentials. I’ve never felt guilty about that though because he needed to not be in the position he was. He was preying on teenagers. He was wrong. I hope you can find peace from this pain soon sitting with you if okay? sam
  13. Hi @AutumnLeaves8790! I’m Also from the Midwest in the US! This site is really supportive and full of a lot of amazing people who are all also struggling with the same things. We are so glad you found us. I hope this site can be helpful for you on your healing path. sam
  14. @enp welcome! I think you came to the right place for support a lot of us are dealing with this very thing at the moment. I hope being here can help you with your healing process sam
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