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About samantha2009

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  • Birthday June 28

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    the land of ooo
  • Interests
    singing, dancing

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  1. I will sit with you in the loneliness if ok? I know when I am affected by things around me, I also tend to take it very personally and wonder what is so wrong with ME? I can say because I am an extremely empathetic person, things bother me a little more and I internalize issues that may not have anything specifically to do with me. Leaving me feel burnt out and unworthy of basic human social interaction. You are worthy of companionship with your partner. My partner is currently in therapy so it makes it slightly a bit easier for him to be a little more sympathetic but he wasn’t always like this... I can imagine you are feeling so invisible and in pain have you tried to talk to your partner about how you are feeling? Let me tell you, sometimes our partners are absolutely clueless of the inner turmoil we feel even if we think it should seem fairly obvious to them. Communication is everything in a relationship. I notice when I speak more openly about things with my partner, things can be known and we can both Try to make more sense of them together. please take care of yourself and know you are worth love and affection and understanding. sending support to you! sam🖤🌻
  2. push it out, fake a smile 

    i need a drink 

    1. Houston


      I'm sorry you've been feeling this way :( Sitting with you.

  3. sitting with you if ok? You are not alone- I feel this way too much lately 💔 sending support to you sam🖤🌻
  4. @mango_star1 oh this is great to hear I am so glad you are feeling validated and supported! This is such a wonderful feeling in the healing journey. Good luck tomorrow with your phone call! Sending you tons of support and still sitting with you! < hug if okay? sam🖤🌻
  5. @Houston Kim, thank you so much for your endless support 💜 hugs are always welcome thank you for reminding me where the shame is warranted- I struggle too much with blaming myself sam🖤🌻
  6. This specific incident was the second isolated, physical encounter I had with the person who sexually abused me. I was staying after for math help Because I really, really needed help with it...I decided to also ask him to help with the one thing I needed help with for a project in his class since it was the end of the semester project- not ever thinking he would try anything sexual IN school while there were other students and teachers around. When I went up to his class it was so nonchalant, I only had my notebook and I left everything else in the math classroom I was getting help in initially. I just didn't think anything could turn sexual THERE. I guess I still felt safe at school. I knocked on his class door because it was closed- I am not sure if he had to unlock it to let me in or not. But when he let me in, he locked the door behind him which I watched him do in what felt like slow motion. He said something about his expensive dj equipment and musical instruments he had in his room for the school band, but I still felt anxious anyways. My assigned seat was right in front of his computer desk which was also right in front of the door of the classroom. But my desk was covered in things. I tried to stand at his computer desk but he told me to go to the empty desk..I had to stand at the desk two rows behind, which made me close to the back of the classroom. He came over, stood behind me. We had already done the car thing however long ago...I am not sure on the exact time frame of everything. Maybe one day I will be able to piece together the time frames of these actual encounters for a better understanding of the timeline. But because we had done things before, as he was walking toward me I was thinking in that moment "he is going to touch me again". I think he thought me coming there was me wanting to do more with him. He took it upon himself to take this as another opportunity I guess. He was very, very close “did you come so we can finish what we started?” 😖 And I didn't respond before he grabbed my privates again the same way he had grabbed me before, and I realized it was intentional before and now. He touched me all over. The force of his hands made me lose my balance and I put my hands on the desk in front of me. I heard him take a deep breath in and then I heard his belt and he said if someone knocked on the locked door, I would have to hide and he pointed next to us (there was a spot with desks and there was cardboard where I could hide under the desk behind that cardboard... that’s what he wanted me to do) "Hide there if someone knocks" I never really wanted to admit this especially because it makes me feel used and dirty and embarrassed... He started saying things about oral sex. I was horrified-he kept joking, making me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing “why are you looking at me like that? I ‘ate you out’ so it's your turn.” He was impatient. Next, I remember being closer to him and facing him and he told me it was “my turn” I was being “inconsiderate” and teasing him. I told him I didn’t know how, anything to try to get him to not press me to do it. But he told me he would teach me 🤢 So he did this part for a however long I told myself as I was doing it that I would never think about it/ do it again. I hated it. I still struggle with oral sex. I don’t really know how long he made me do it but it felt like forever. He showed me how he wanted me to do it so I did it the way he showed me so I could be done. I thought this was all he wanted and I dreaded him finishing. But he didn’t. Then he put his hands on my shoulders and I stood up like a stupid mindless zombie. Then he turned me around and started groping my body again. He undid my bra and felt my breasts and then he pulled my pants and underwear down really fast and forceful and it scared me. Then he reached around me and touched me for a few seconds and all of a sudden I felt him jab his fingers in me. He was saying things about my body part and about things I had no experience with. I didn't know what he was talking about! I heard his belt clinking as he was going in and out more forceful each time and it hurt. He was guiding himself to my body part. I knew it would hurt when I felt it against me almost going in and I said “no I am not ready!!” But it wasn’t very loud and I wish I would have screamed it!! He said vulgar things about me being ready.. I guess it was my fault, my body was responding) I started pulling my pants up, he tried pulling them back down and I started crying and I was embarrassed I was crying because nobody saw me cry. When I turned around, I had my eyes closed but when I opened them I saw he was backing away and pulling his pants up. So I pulled mine up all the way and I ran to the door, unlocked it and I ran to the bathroom with my bra still undone. I felt sick and gross. I felt dirty. I thought "how did I get myself into this". I actually felt stuck in this weird secret I didn't want any part of, something I didn't know how to get out of but trying to avoid him for now on. I don't know why I was still trying to rationalize things... I think I had to do that because if I admitted how fucked up this was, I think I would have had a mental break down. Maybe I should have I remember leaving my notebook in his classroom. I didn't want to go back..I was thankful I left everything else in the math classroom. I had to go to back there to get the rest of my things and I also needed to go to my locker before leaving. I ended up having to go to the office to get my locker combination. I forgot my fucking locker combination I was so rattled about what happened. I have recurring dreams of forgetting my locker combination. I always wore my winter coat in school after this so he couldn't touch me like he did on "accident" sometimes. Handing my notebook to me and grazing my breasts... I also remember instances after this when I had gym, he would come there to "excuse" me from class to "get help" or "help" the few times he did it before I started hiding in the bathroom during those periods to avoid him doing it anymore. I managed to avoid being alone with him those times he took me though. The times I avoided being alone with him when he took me from gym class was a time I went out of my way to socialize with another teacher and ask them for help with something. Another time I told him I had to use the bathroom and I tried to walk fast away from him as soon as we were passing the bathroom and I made it in there without him coming for me. Once I realized hiding in the bathroom was a place he never came after me, I felt safe in there. It became my safe haven as dumb as that is. I went to the bathroom a lot of the time I skipped classes. It was uncomfortable sitting in a bathroom stall for some of the periods, but I would just play games on my phone lol. Then my senior year I started helping a teacher grade English papers in the main school building during those empty classes I had with my abuser where he was the monitor with us-just to avoid him Ugh, he was making me uncomfortable during almost all of my college classes! Anyways-the teacher I helped grade papers for was Mr H and he made me feel safer for the most part. He knew who made me uncomfortable and vaguely why. So I guess I felt heard and validated with him. My high school boyfriend N knew him from having him in middle school and I guess we trusted him and we opened up to him about things. See N had those same college classes with me but he stopped coming to class a lot toward the last half of senior year but he half ass made sure I felt "safe" when he wasn't there since he knew some things about the teacher that harassed me at that point. Mr H was actually the teacher I had in the office with the principal as I told the school about the rape. I couldn't really look at anyone though so I couldn't tell you if they looked horrified or what. It is kind of a blur from the shock of it all I guess I feel foolish.
  7. samantha2009

    still mad

    @mango_star1 You are allowed to be mad. Sitting with you in the madness if ok? Also, Welcome to After Silence. Although something terrible has brought you to the site- I am glad you are here with us sending you support sam 🖤🌻
  8. @Sunflower198 Hello and welcome to After Silence. I am so sorry you recently realized these encounters were not consensual. You are not alone in this at all. I think as we get older we tend to realize a lot of things weren't how they seemed in the moments they were happening. I can relate to you myself with my own encounters! It was about 9 years after the fact that I realized these things for myself. Please know you are not at fault for knowing these things in those moments. The fact that you only realized this now doesn't take away from the horror of his actions or the validity of your pain and trauma. These are scary situations to navigate and there is no way to know what will happen to us in those moments- I know I tend to freeze up myself. You are not alone in this pain. What happened to you was wrong and I hope being here with other survivors and their companionship can help you realize that your reactions and new realizations are all very normal. Sending you support sam 🖤🌻
  9. idk why i try

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. MeBeMary


      Because you are worthy of something better. It may be difficult, but you deserve the best out of life.

      Sitting with you. :hug: 

    3. Enigma87


      I’m sorry you are feeling this way 💔 Sending hugs & sitting with you :hug:

    4. samantha2009


      thank you all for your support :flowers:

  10. samantha2009

    Contemplating Life

    Me too. Sorry for the pain you feel
  11. Hello @Backto3 and welcome to After Silence. I am sorry you have reasons that bring you here, but we are glad you've found us. I didn't know what to expect the first time I signed up either- 10 years ago- but what I ended up finding was a supportive community where I made friends who actually understood some of the things I was feeling/ going through. It was a bit eye opening for my healing journey. I hope you are able to find some of the same support and comfort here that a lot of us members find and keep us coming back. Please know you are not alone and we are all here for you sending support and sitting with you if okay? sam 🖤🌻
  12. Hello @fiercekitten and welcome to After Silence. I am sorry you have to see your abusive ex that must be very triggering for you. I hope you are able to continue to see you DV counselor soon- it seems like that was a great source of support for you. The forums here are also full of extremely supportive members and resources about so many things- DV being one of them. I hope you are able to find comfort here in knowing that you are not alone. Sending you support! sam 🖤🌻
  13. Hello @Bunni3 and welcome to After Silence. I am so sorry you had to see such a traumatizing thing on a public, social media outlet. The horrible things I would see all the time on those platforms is why I have kept my distance for my own personal well being. Gosh, I can imagine seeing that must have been extremely triggering. I know it would have sent me into a spiral Is there a counselor or a therapist that you can talk to about this? I would imagine trying to ground yourself with pleasant things you enjoy can maybe take you out of the headspace where you are having "audio flashbacks". Maybe some music that you enjoy or makes you feel "happy"? Or a hobby that puts a smile on your face? I am so sorry you had to see this. Sending you support and I am here to talk if you need to. Sitting with you sam 🖤🌻
  14. Hello @13rose Welcome to After Silence! I am so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but we are happy you are here with us. I am glad to hear you are in a safe, happy relationship- that can always be a source of comforting support through the healing process. It is unfortunate your ex was able to keep your cat I can imagine that must be very sad and painful for you. Sending you support if ok? I hope being here on the forums helps you feel less alone through the grieving process. Sitting with you too, if ok sam 🖤🌻
  15. Hello Isa Welcome to After Silence! I am sorry for the trauma that brings you to the forums, but we are very glad you are here with us now Being here on the site, one thing you will learn quickly is you are not alone in this struggle. We are all here for each other. I know when I tend to feel absolutely isolated in my personal life, I come here and have felt the support from others many times where I felt completely hopeless. I hope you know you will never be a burden here ! Thank you for posting such an uplifting message at the end of your post. You are right- no more feeling alone! Sitting with you if ok? sam 🖤🌻
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