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LisaButterfly

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Everything posted by LisaButterfly

  1. LisaButterfly
    When I was a kid, my brother and I played 'superheroes' a lot... my older sibling with his strength and eyeballs that fired laserbeams at pretend villains and me with my invisibility cape and ability to fly. Now we're both adults, my brother has the strength of a good man and I do my absolute best to be invisible. It's not a superpower now though, it's an existence I crave because the world is too daunting and I don't want to be part of it. I went swimming a couple of weeks ago, feeling so much hope because I'd got myself out the house and, in water, I feel like I can fly. I know progres
  2. LisaButterfly
    Thanks so much @Hope321 - your words are always absorbed and always show how much you care for others. I'm so sad for the ink on your innocent body too. I hope every visit to this forum helps sooth all the sore areas under that ink and helps you feel seen and valued for the compassionate, strong human being that you are. While we're in our own private bubbles, I do like it when you and I float past each other, smile and say hello. An offer to park my bubble next to yours and sit with you is always here. Thanks again, Hope by name, Hope by nature.
  3. LisaButterfly
    If you've read my previous blog entry you'll know that I'm typing my story, right from the beginning, as part of trauma therapy. I typed it out a couple of years back on here, and a more official version, featuring the man who gave me reason to join this forum, was written for a police statement when I reported him in 2020. I'm now revisiting it again with help from a therapist and new insights, and the words that are spilling out onto my computer screen come from the 44-year-old me, with all the fresh memories and emotions that have surfaced since this shit-storm of an aftermath began. The 'p
  4. LisaButterfly
    I've just thought of something else linked with the 'painting a picture' analogy and writing the story from your past. Has anyone ever tried those (at times frustrating) 'paint by numbers' kits? Typing my story with a 44 year old head on and all these new emotions has, finally, given me a line drawing where the numbers match the colour codes. Over the last few months, while I've been struggling to manage all these new emotions, fresh memories and trying to understand the memories I already have, I've been trying to work out how to add paint to a picture of my world now with colour codes t
  5. LisaButterfly
    @Haze_D - thank you so much! I've been writing a reply to you I'm my head (on this post and your own blog entry) for days... but I can't find words that explain how much your words have helped get some colour on my pictures. Your reply to my reply on your own blog made me cry! In a good way. Your honesty and your courage to share your own picture with words helped me admit some truths to myself for the first time - but most of all, it was good to know you have this forum to express how you feel and get support in return. Your reply here about writing your story is spot on. It doesn't hav
  6. LisaButterfly
    I don't know why I didn't come back here sooner - it's amazing how a few chats with folk who 'get it' without judgement can help you feel less alone - and so many of you are fighting your own battles and need a friend to sit with. In my first blog entry I mentioned how writing is, for me, like picking up a brush to paint a picture. The words are my colours, and today there's going to be less black in the picture. Over the last few days, the world has looked a bit more colourful. The 'Trauma Train' (described in my last entry) has stopped off at the AS rest stop and is now rumbling along
  7. LisaButterfly
    Thanks so much to all of you for your replies... it's good to be waving to you all out the train carriage window. Wishing you all as many peaceful times as possible while you're zooming along train tracks of your own. ❤
  8. LisaButterfly
    Oh @Haze_D, everything you've typed here rings so true. I'm not an expert in how to help someone avoid methods of escape, but I can say I'm in the same storm... but a different boat. The flashbacks and pain of having to deal with the memories, emotions and the face of 'him' in your head is absolute hell isn't it - and you're right, it can come with the territory of having to recall the events. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, because your trauma and its aftermath are unique to you, but I can relate to your words so deeply. Alcohol and prescription drugs are my escape to
  9. LisaButterfly
    @Capulet - it's so good you've been on your blog and given your words some air. You're the one who validated the importance of writing for me and it's good to know typing thoughts out is a therapy of sorts for you too. Congratulations on your pending wedding! Life being married is super nice. Wedding planning can be stressful though can't it, with all the financial worries and pressure from people who can't seem to stop and remember it's yours and J's wedding day, not their special day as a guest, bridal party member, Oompa of the bride etc. My hubby and I were wedding photographers for
  10. LisaButterfly
    I'm on the Trauma Train and I want to get off, but how do you do that when the loud, grubby steam engine you've been on since childhood is hurtling through desolate landscapes and dark tunnels with no welcoming stations or comfortable rest-stops on-route? The train carriage I'm in at the moment is empty, it's just me here and I hate my own company. I hate the shell I'm trapped in and frighten myself silly with my own thoughts. I'm so lonely. Then I remembered After Silence - a train station where you can safely get off, if you choose to, and be in the company of people who truly understa
  11. LisaButterfly
    Thank you @Hope321 - your kind words mean so much! I've always held that 'I'm OK mask' on, since I was a kid, but I knew I needed to speak up, be honest and say how I really felt to get the help I need. My voice has always been so quiet when I have tried using it with the doctors, and with each 'brush off', over so many years, it just made me smaller. This year has been a turning point though. It's all because I've been working through my past, rewriting my part in the story and feeling like I matter enough to ask for help and persist with it now. Breaking the silence certainly has a positive
  12. LisaButterfly
    How did you feel the first time you were validated? From my own experience and so many others I know, the answer seems to be 'relieved'. Living with a truth you know to be real, all by yourself, can be lonely, tormenting, frustrating and confusing. Then you find a voice, risk using it and someone says, "I believe you". They then offer support you never thought you deserved or were entitled to, they validate your trauma and the aftermath you carry and offer the comfort you've craved for far too long. Your strange behaviours are finally understood and that relieves the pressure to perform in you
  13. LisaButterfly

    I'm back after a challenging flight during my 'migration' journey from 'old me' to 'new me'. @Hope321 and @BrightSide - thank you for your Holiday Virtual Gifts! They were seen, hugely appreciated and have made me smile during a difficult few weeks. I've got a virtual gift for you both and will post them soon. I've got so many updates to share! Hope they'll explain why I've been invisible, and why I'm back here with my AS friends now. You've all been in my thoughts, hope you've all been ok. Festive wishes coming your way from a butterfly whose wings are feeling a little stronger. 

    1. BrightSide

      BrightSide

      :butterfly: glad your doing OK, sending safe hugs if you would like friend :friends2:

    2. Hope321

      Hope321

      I’m glad you are doing okay! I have been thinking about you and want you to know you are very cared about. 

  14. LisaButterfly
    I woke up this morning with the usual nest of 'bed head' hair plastered across a slightly puffy, 'pillow wrinkle' marked face that hasn't worn make-up for 10 months and had a revelation of sorts - and it relates to the fact that I couldn't give a flying shite that I continue to look like a bit of a mess throughout the day. What others see on the outside has never been a priority to me (or my husband...thankfully), and I certainly don't judge a book by its cover, but comments can hurt, cause/feed damage and be triggering when deep-seated, complex issues are involved. Those dreaded co
  15. LisaButterfly
    Thanks @Capulet - I'm pleased it brought a smile to your face! I smiled and giggled when I read your kitchen account. 😉 Maybe your son and daughter are just risk assessing the food! 😄 That's what my brother always told my mum he was doing when we were at home in our teens. 😆 Thank you so much for your kind words about G - he really is a treasure and the complete contrast to the man who caused so much torment. And thank you for your congratulations! I'm enjoying the new role and it's going well. 'Alpha male' seems to have calmed down a lot thank goodness, but I think it may have som
  16. LisaButterfly
    Triggers: the unwelcome hand that flips the switch on a time machine and forces you back to moments you crave to forget. I never thought I'd fully grasp the meaning of it all until this year when I started putting the puzzle pieces together. Many of my strange foibles and reactions to situations over the last three decades now sit in the 'bigger picture' perfectly when I look at my jigsaw as the final image takes shape, but plenty are still a mystery. Over many years, even through childhood, certain songs and genres of music set me off into a spiral of tears, grief and panic. For as long
  17. LisaButterfly
    This is so well written @Hope321 - what an honest blog entry. I admire the way you cared for your daughter when she mention T... and through your sensitive persistence you found out what was bothering her. You talk about how all this triggered you and how it made you feel - I can understand why. Because of your experiences (and simply because of who you are as a good person) I can see how you'd be SuperMum when spotting signs, knowing your kids and keeping them safe... and that is indeed a superpower to be valued. I'm so sorry the Behaviour Specialist reacted the way she did - it sounds
  18. LisaButterfly
    @Hope321 - thank you so much! You've validated the importance of that external change and how it reflects/symbolises what's felt inside. I love your words, they ring so true. I'm so pleased that you had that new haircut and style as you finished college! It's so lovely to read how it marked such an important beginning for you, and how your new 'do made you feel. I'm delighted too that you found that freedom through it as well. I wish you more positive shifts as you move forward on your path. Thanks so much again.
  19. LisaButterfly
    @Hope321 - thank you for celebrating with me! Your words really mean a lot, thank you. I'm pleased the news of my GP has helped you - it's people like that who help restore your faith in humanity and give you hope when reaching out for help. I'm so sorry you've suffered too many betrayals from those you trusted, I understand how this can make it extremely difficult to trust others. Unfortunately there are some utter shite bags out there, but thankfully there are also good people with empathy who strive to help and support. It's about finding those supportive people (and discovering them by cha
  20. LisaButterfly
    @Nedders - thank you so much for your encouraging words, and I gratefully accept all hands to hold... thank you. I'd like to offer to be here for you too (if ok) - this is a tough process isn't it, and your fellow survivors on here understand what it's like. The aftermath is so complex and multi-layered. I found something quite piongant the other day when preparing an article for work; it's in relation to mental health and the road we walk on while we're heading towards being in a better place. The piece I found included this quote: 'Every step we take may seem so small, but when we look back
  21. LisaButterfly
    @Hope321 - I'm so pleased the words have been a help, and your words are beautifully put and so very apt: This speaks volumes and I'm so pleased you've added it to this post. Thank you! I offer you support and friendship whenever you might need it. Thanks so much again.
  22. LisaButterfly
    Thank you @Capulet ! I have indeed enjoyed the hair-free dinners! 😉 While wearing my new bob, someone said, "Oh, you've lost your lovely long hair! What a shame!" So I stood as tall as I could and said, "Oh, just ignore the hair and focus on the fact my eyes are smiling, at last." I wanted to tell him to 'f**k off' but I thought a calmer response would be more appropriate. 😆
  23. LisaButterfly
    Emotions are a tornado of unpredictable twists and gusts aren't they, and they're frightening when we've never allowed ourselves to be near them before. As these whirlwinds gather strength, they collect debris that swirls around us and occasionally whacks us round the head as we strive to keep our balance and avoid harm. Then the tornado passes leaving a flattened landscape, and we rebuild, add new, stronger reinforcements to the fresh structures that help us feel safe and wait for the next one. Emotions are fresh and unfamiliar when the 'I'm fine mask' doesn't fit any more, and it's tou
  24. LisaButterfly
    Rocky... Rollercoaster... Recovery... so many words beginning with 'R', and some are easier to face and say out loud than others. On the phone this morning, while leaking from my knackered eyeballs like a burst water pipe, I just said a word beginning with 'R' to my GP. I can't believe I actually said it. He's been our family doctor since I was 10 and has watched me grow, shrink, struggle, adapt, cope, fall apart, mend, break again, come back stronger and then melt into puddles of new catastrophe over the years. My family and I are very thankful that he's the opposite of a shite do
  25. LisaButterfly
    The mugs! Oh, those damn mugs. I'd very much like to sit and have coffees with you - and will be pleased to see those mugs of manipulation pushed back where you can't see them! Oompa sounds like hard work. I really hope you're feeling better after the awful ordeal you've been through, it's horrible feeling so crap and I hope you're contuing to mend. Sleep, food (and no guilt messages on mugs in your face every time you make a coffee!) are good medicine. It was good to read you're feeling a lot better and have more energy now. I do like the way you write. I'd very much like to read
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