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Found 5 results

  1. Even now I don't really want to admit it. Even with the people, I have told, those who know from the silent watching, I am not quite sure how to talk about it. Its a place that I don't allow my mind to go to, but at the end of the night, I always am sent right back to. So this is it, this is my breaking point of silent pleas for someone to listen. The relationship that I am talking about ended three years ago when I was a freshman in high school. He went to another school and in that way, there was comfort in people not knowing him. Not judging him based off me. The pressure just seemed lessened. He was a senior and everyone that knew both of us seemed to intrinsically like him. So when he walked over to me I felt like for once in my life I had won something. Somehow this was my shining moment to have something that mattered to other people. The first four months were great, he waited to have my first kiss on a bus back from a volunteer event. He was charming and brought me flowers, I was floating in a dream. But there is this one moment I come back to because in my mind it is the definitive moment everything changed. Laying in my bed, he stuck his hand in my underwear. I moved his hand away, "No." I remember how hot my face felt. "No one wants to do anything the first time... you just have to let me." And I did. Then when he pulled my hand on his di*k, even though I said I didn't want to I did. Then he forced his di*k in my face and I felt suffocated by the intimacy, I opened my mouth and he forced my head down. Then when I was going on a school trip and he told me he needed to fuck me before someone else did, I pushed him off me until he flipped me around "The little games you play", I did. If I would have said no to those fingers in my underwear, I feel like this would have never happened. If I wouldn't have caved so easily he wouldn't have felt this was alright. SO when it continued for two years, it was because of this one little moment that I could have so easily ended. Now I am stuck here three years later, broken up with my only relationship to occur outside of that hideous one. All I can remember is every time he kissed me or we had sex, I was drawn into that moment. Every time I close my eyes I think of his arms around me when I would rather have anyone else. It scares me. If he comes back, will i be able to say no? Do I want to? Maybe I deserve it, maybe this is just the fate I deserve. I have barely lived and I am already so haunted by my past I cannot feel like there is any future in love. I do not want to be alone. I am so god damn tired of being alone. I have reached out to so many people to be met with "I am sorry, that really sucks." It doesn't suck, it hurts like hell, it has been eating me up for three years and no one cares enough to sit down with me and talk. I have nightmares about him. Just tell me one thing... It has been three years... Does it ever go away? Do you ever love again? Do you ever feel loved again? Or is this the rest of my life? Cause I don't know anymore. I am tired of feeling so unloved and telling people and no one caring. I am tired of wondering if someday I will meet the right guy that will make the band things disappear. If anyone can really listen and care without treating me like I am this foreign thing that no one knows how to touch.
  2. yanna

    finally telling

    When I was 6 years old my older sister started to molest me, she use to call it "the game", it lasted for about another year or two, at least until she got a new boyfriend, then she no longer "needed me". By the time I was 7, my older cousin who was a female as well also started to molest me, saying everything we did was for fun and that everyone did it. Around that same time, my god sister who was around my age decided she wanted to play the game as well, she had learned it from our uncle. I didn't understand what was going on or that it was wrong. Through out the years, I had other encounters with different cousins, this time males. They would make me kiss them on the lips when I needed help with my homework, or teach me the game "booty tag" and just randomly grab my ass when no one was looking. It never felt right, but I never said anything because they all made it seem like it was nothing, not big deal. When I was 8 and my older sister ended up getting pregnant, and her boyfriend started to touch me, try to get me to touch him. Then one day my sister who was a year younger, told my parents that my sisters boyfriend kept trying to touch us. She hadn't grown up playing "the game" with our family so she knew this wasn’t normal or right. My parents told him that if he ever touched us again they would report him the police. And so he never did, at least for a few years. When I turned 12 he started again, but by then I was already so emotionally damaged I actually believed him when he told me that it was my fault and that everyone would be mad at me not him. So I kept quiet. But over the months it got worse, I had to go with him to pick the kids up from daycare, and he would keep trying to feel me up or would grab my arm and try to force me to grab him. I would always move away from him, even sitting in the backseat he would try to grab me. Most of the time I would end up in the trunk until the kids were in the car. He would bring his phone out and try to show me videos, clips of porn he downloaded. I would close my eyes and hope they would be gone by the time I opened them, but they never would be. I would open my eyes and he would still be holding his phone right up to my face. There were many times where i just pictured myself jumping out the car to get away form him, but I never could. All I could think about was my family. One day I got into an argument with my older sister, and I told her everything he had done since I was eight. She was really hurt because he had known everything my uncle had done to her, so she kicked him out. By the time my mom found out she took me to the station in order to file a report. But at the end nothing was ever done. My sister moved out of the house and into an apartment with him, and my mom never pressed charges. Everyone still talks to him as if nothing ever happened. My parents don’t know about everything my family did to me, only what he did, and the fact that they chose to nothing when it came to an almost stranger, I didn’t even want to imagine what they would say if I ever told them about my sister and cousins. They would probably act like I was crazy, like no one would actually ever do that in our family. Today I still think about it when I look at any of them, I see and talk to them almost on a weekly basis, and we always act like nothing ever happened. As if it were a part of my imagination. Sometimes I wonder if I did make this all up, if I'm crazy. Most day I wish I was, that this was all a figment of my imagination.
  3. I do not know how to speak about my personal self. Its actually easier to just let go and step back and let my feelings/emotions take over. I feel stupid. Out of place. Like i will never belong to a person or place I am a shell of this person people like and to a family who loves and needs me. I am disappointed to say I am selfish carless suicidal passionate for life to gel others. I am a list. I hate myself I can not stand being me sometimes. If I would step back and look at myself. I see a lost hurt soul. A selfish person who thi ks to often of herself. A person who does not see the truth but paints these stupid dreams that I try to make reality. what I see is this girl who denies any hurt or pain has ever been inflickted upon her. If it happened I was because you wanted it to. you can not take the blame . Hell I can't. This is not a fight. What is it? Remember- we are trying to work things out. We are running out of time. The garage must be dealt with. Yea! Why can we not just do it. Just dive in. Start it up what's the hold up? Fear- has a hold neglect- doubt- pain crying emotional influences. What- has been a part for some time now. Sorry- self inflicted pain I broke up when I did not want to heart ring😢 this is so stupid why do we half to walk down that road we are missing so much just now. Guys I am only I only have my husband in this sensitive time. I do not think he can be that guy thT I can lean on too much pain and damadge . All on me what the fy,k were you thinking when you went out of tour way to wreck things? I wanted to live life. Not watch it fo by. From a dark room. you are all me so please cone together so I can be sane I want all the pieces to fit. All my peaces to fit. Can we not be whole am I forever broken . Is that not to make me stronger. Sorry about erasing what you said. Its a canon I do not wish to fire. I am sad empty but full of a heavy nothingness'. I desire to go into a music store. Listen to music purchase what I want. My husband will never be ok with it because the internet has all we need bla bla bla. No it does not its different to go out as a family giggles songs along the way deciding what movie to watch as a group. Talking along the way its about fellow ship along the way .really the movie is a bonus. I want to find a friend but I suck at talking to people I have to much child like tendencies I have fun a lot but I am awkward. Who the hell am I? I am the dirty secret. I am hurt. I am trapped. I am ashamed. I need to feel pain. Ineed to be punished. I need love. I need a person who can see the real me. I need to run away. I need to feel something. I need to be hurt. I deserve to be used. I am a BA person. I am miss understood. I can not let go off the fear I will be hurt again I loose weight. I. TERRIFIED. to the point I eat at the thought I lost 15 pounds I felt good. No pain. I got scars I almost have gained I back I still have 10 pounds to go. Its taking me a long to.e to gain it back I lost it quickly before. I do not want to live this way. But I do not want to be groped or looked at either😡.
  4. I heard somewhere that writing is supposed to help heal. When nothing else makes sense, it never hurts to put your thoughts somewhere. Shall I start about my day from the beginning? This morning I was talking to someone who prefers to hide themselves. A defense mechanism if you will. He said, "Sometimes it's easier just to wear the masks people give you." Rather than allowing people "in" to see the real you. He's a capable person and a unique thinker. I like unique thinkers. Once before... I think it was last week or so he told me that he doesn't trust people because he knows what he's capable of himself and it scares him to think what other people are capable. I don't know much more about him, other than a few things I picked up. He hides well. We joke a lot. I became really good friends with these 2. I mean, the other guy was more of a proxy friend because he knows "Dos", we'll call him. Anyway the beginning of my day was much better than the usual. It was painful, but beautiful. I found that you can share what has happened to you with some people. I told a different friend I've known for much longer. I got a lot of support. Even "you have no reason to be sorry. I'm here for you. You're amazing. Don't let them ruin you." - I was shocked because we have more of one of those silly joking friendships? Basically, we're always bullshitting. I was honest about one part. I still don't know if I trust him. This is soooo screwed up but his face kind of reminds me of HIS face and that makes me not trust him as well as I have a hard time trusting men to begin with. Back what's been bothering me. I walked by a room with "Dos" and "GG" and I was late, but I heard them talking while I was setting my purse down. I wasn't eavesdropping. I was supposed to be there. In fact I heard "GG" say, "Where is our crazy female friend anyway?' and then he said "Would you rather c*m on her face or her ass?" and then something about them being one and the same. "Dos" says "Well if they're one and the same, does it really matter?" - "GG" says, "Well if you had to choose. Her ass or her face?" "Dos" says, I'd prefer the face. "GG" Do you think she has a nice ass?" Dos answers "It's ok. I'd rather on her face though." I froze. Then I grabbed my purse and stormed out. Dos texted saying that they weren't talking about me if that's what I thought. My immediate response was "Like hell you weren't. You're scum. I'm disgusted." - Blah blah he said something about how I was his friend and some other random passive aggressive crap. What am I supposed to think? EVEN IF (I highly doubt) they weren't talking about me, why would I want to hear them talk about someone like that? I realize men can be insensitive and talk to each other about women like this. it still makes me sick to my stomach. I thought they were my friends? Relatively new friends. It's not a big loss. It's they're loss. Why? Because I'm one of the most bad ass b!tches you'll ever meet. Regardless of what has happened to me or what I've been through. I'm still right here and keeping faith in Humanity. I want to so badly believe in people, but the things I enjoy put me in place where I'm constantly reminded I'm female and a lot of men feel like I'm "imposing" on their space. Like I don't deserve to be there. Someone once told me I have to have thick skin. Yeah, I can take the regular old shit talk back and forth like a pro. I'm tired of sexist pigs and I'm really starting to think men are like this. You put them in a room... Oh god, I hope I'm not being sexist. >.< Ever accidentally hear men having a conversation about women they know together? I know women talk, too... but it's not on the same level. With personal friends we may share more personal details... Maybe I'm just clueless. I am no longer speaking to GG or Dos. As far as I'm concerned they are a part of scumbagcleave. I'm insensitive. So before I focus on all the negative of today... I think that L sharing his music with me was amazing as well as his support. I never thought I'd feel support about being raped from a man (sounds sexist I know) and I apologize to "good guys" reading it. L is kind of a big deal. Semi-famous... he also brought some other things to my attention. I'll write about it later when I want to sort through it. Has to do with about the kind of person I am. I need to see more than just the negative in every day. I felt lonely... I still feel extra lonely. I feel like I've lost 5 friends in the past 4 months. I talked to L. I enjoyed his demo. I'll run some games with him later. I'd like to write with him. I should tell him that, but don't have the balls. I haven't sang in forever. I showed my boss skills with making my script work. /dance This makes more work for me but I got a lot done today. Sometimes when people censor me... or tell me I can't say something I feel... violated? Don't censor me, bro. A girl needs her voice.
  5. vakry

    Embarrassing

    :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: TRIGGER I'm incredibly horny. And it's not in a good way. It's not the kind where a little tugging and release would be enough. This is usually what leads to my self-harm. Sadly because if I have sex I know it will trigger me because of this feeling. It's stupid. I don't understand it. I'm sick. Really sick in the head. If you knew the images running into my head that cause this....
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