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About this blog

When I'm feeling emotions or experiencing flashbacks and memories, I like to write them down. I hope that doing so will give the thoughts permission to leave my messy mind. So here is my digitalized messy mind.

Entries in this blog

tap tap- who's there?

Its been awhile- things have been good overall but that doesn't mean it hasn't been tough. I've been doing a lot of work in therapy lately with EMDR. Usually, after sessions I feel a lot of things and I find the best way for me to process them is through writing.     

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

jealously, jealousy

I’m not a jealous person, but occasionally, it consumes me. It only happens in very specific scenarios. It’s whenever I see someone run well in a race. Jealously may not be the best word- that’s what my abuser told me it was.  However, when I really sit with the feelings, I see it’s so much more than that. It took me years to admit to myself that he negatively affected my life and that I would have been better off without him… but it’s the truth. I feel sad.  I mourn something that I c

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

Four wishes

I wish your words cut like knives. Tearing open my innocent flesh, So that I could see you were a monster. I would have stood a chance. I wish your touch left bruises. My battered body could have matched my broken soul. Skin painted black and purple means run. But I stayed. I wish your kisses were daggers, I would not have mistaken it for love It was a dark, dark hellish force, With the smile of a saint. I wish it was “bad”. The shame wouldn’t live in my body, The guilt wouldn’t eat me aliv

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

Lying to myself

I don't think I've been completely honest with myself. I've been telling myself that I'm good. That I've been handling the case and the flashbacks that have come with the territory of recalling the abuse over and over again. And objectively, from the outside, I have been. I got into my dream PhD program. I've been excelling at my job. I've been making new friends in a completely new place. But I've started using drugs. Typing that brings a wave of shame and denial. Thats not me. If you knew me,

Haze_D

Haze_D in Bumps

Memories and holes

It scares me that I feel you slipping away. Or maybe you were never there in the first place. Gaping holes in my memories endlessly taunt me. I should remember the first time with you, yet I only remember the emotions. The confusion. The racing heart and sweaty palms mistakenly taken as love. I remember you asking permission, after you had already done it. I remember not wanting to upset you, so of course, I smiled and said it was okay. You were smart, cunning perhaps. You made sure to woe

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

Pretty Lies

There are things I needed to believe. It was the only way to survive. I bartered a piece of myself with the promise that I would get through it. Less whole, less me, but at least it wouldn’t hurt as much. I wanted this. It’s what you told me when tears streamed down my burning cheeks after you kissed me. It’s what I told myself when your hands traveled up the inside of my thigh in your classroom. It’s what I held onto when you asked if I wanted to come inside your house. I knew

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

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