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About this blog

When I'm feeling emotions or experiencing flashbacks and memories, I like to write them down. I hope that doing so will give the thoughts permission to leave my messy mind. So here is my digitalized messy mind.

Entries in this blog

anger, where are you?

people tell me how horrible you are. without prompt, they count the ways they would hang you, spit in your face. and as they tell me, they look at me for reassurance, but I give them none. i wish i hated you. i wish i too had a long list of excruciating deaths I could serve you. they say you deserve that, you killed a piece of me, an eye for an eye, a life for a life? i’m not so sure. i know i’m supposed to feel the anger in my bones. i sometimes think something is wrong with me. perhap

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

Do you know

Do you know that I think of you every day? Not the way you’d hope. My mind contorts reality as you seep into every waking moment,                                              every cell screams to be released from the prison I call my body.   Do you know I don’t sleep?  When my head hits the pillow, I feel you beside me. I feel your heavy navy-blue comforter pressing on my body. Your hands,                                     they strangle like vines.     Do you kno

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

A letter to my 16-year-old self

You have so many walls up, and for good reason. But I’m begging you to listen to what I have to say and understand that this is coming from a place of love. I know what you’ve been through, and I know what you’re going to go through. My heart breaks for the pain you are endlessly suffering through.  You have done nothing wrong. You have not seduced him. You are not a nymphet with an appetite for older men. You are a child. All you want is an adult who believes in you and unconditionally sup

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

tap tap- who's there?

Its been awhile- things have been good overall but that doesn't mean it hasn't been tough. I've been doing a lot of work in therapy lately with EMDR. Usually, after sessions I feel a lot of things and I find the best way for me to process them is through writing.     

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

jealously, jealousy

I’m not a jealous person, but occasionally, it consumes me. It only happens in very specific scenarios. It’s whenever I see someone run well in a race. Jealously may not be the best word- that’s what my abuser told me it was.  However, when I really sit with the feelings, I see it’s so much more than that. It took me years to admit to myself that he negatively affected my life and that I would have been better off without him… but it’s the truth. I feel sad.  I mourn something that I c

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

Four wishes

I wish your words cut like knives. Tearing open my innocent flesh, So that I could see you were a monster. I would have stood a chance. I wish your touch left bruises. My battered body could have matched my broken soul. Skin painted black and purple means run. But I stayed. I wish your kisses were daggers, I would not have mistaken it for love It was a dark, dark hellish force, With the smile of a saint. I wish it was “bad”. The shame wouldn’t live in my body, The guilt wouldn’t eat me aliv

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

Lying to myself

I don't think I've been completely honest with myself. I've been telling myself that I'm good. That I've been handling the case and the flashbacks that have come with the territory of recalling the abuse over and over again. And objectively, from the outside, I have been. I got into my dream PhD program. I've been excelling at my job. I've been making new friends in a completely new place. But I've started using drugs. Typing that brings a wave of shame and denial. Thats not me. If you knew me,

Haze_D

Haze_D in Bumps

Memories and holes

It scares me that I feel you slipping away. Or maybe you were never there in the first place. Gaping holes in my memories endlessly taunt me. I should remember the first time with you, yet I only remember the emotions. The confusion. The racing heart and sweaty palms mistakenly taken as love. I remember you asking permission, after you had already done it. I remember not wanting to upset you, so of course, I smiled and said it was okay. You were smart, cunning perhaps. You made sure to woe

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

Pretty Lies

There are things I needed to believe. It was the only way to survive. I bartered a piece of myself with the promise that I would get through it. Less whole, less me, but at least it wouldn’t hurt as much. I wanted this. It’s what you told me when tears streamed down my burning cheeks after you kissed me. It’s what I told myself when your hands traveled up the inside of my thigh in your classroom. It’s what I held onto when you asked if I wanted to come inside your house. I knew

Haze_D

Haze_D in Healing

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