Haze_D

Welcome to AS, and I’m sorry for what has brought you here. It takes so much strength to come on here and start to process what you have been through. You deserve healing and peace. I hope you find what you are looking for here.

people tell me how horrible you are. without prompt, they count the ways they would hang you, spit in your face. and as they tell me, they look at me for reassurance, but I give them none. i wish i hated you. i wish i too had a long list of excruciating deaths I could serve you. they say you deserve that, you killed a piece of me, an eye for an eye, a life for a life? i’m not so sure. i know i’m supposed to feel the anger in my bones. i sometimes think something is wrong with me. perhaps your insidious grip is still wrapped around me, perhaps it’s the only thing I know. the thin

Do you know that I think of you every day? Not the way you’d hope. My mind contorts reality as you seep into every waking moment, every cell screams to be released from the prison I call my body. Do you know I don’t sleep? When my head hits the pillow, I feel you beside me. I feel your heavy navy-blue comforter pressing on my body. Your hands, they strangle like vines. Do you know I can’t practice yoga? In my most vulnerable positions, I feel you forcing my legs apart. I he

You have so many walls up, and for good reason. But I’m begging you to listen to what I have to say and understand that this is coming from a place of love. I know what you’ve been through, and I know what you’re going to go through. My heart breaks for the pain you are endlessly suffering through. You have done nothing wrong. You have not seduced him. You are not a nymphet with an appetite for older men. You are a child. All you want is an adult who believes in you and unconditionally supports you. You did not ask for any of it. You’ve convinced yourself otherwise because the alternativ

Thank you @Dahlia29 for your comment. All of what you’re saying is soooooo relatable. When I put myself in the shoes of my younger self, I see that I just really wanted someone to care for me (which all children want). Our abusers exploited that and knew that and knew what they were doing would ultimately be damaging for us. I try to remind myself of that because it’s easy for my head to think that I was the one initiating it and to blame. I’m proud of you for listening to your reactions and what your body is telling you now about what you went through. It’s not easy and takes a lot of courage

Its been awhile- things have been good overall but that doesn't mean it hasn't been tough. I've been doing a lot of work in therapy lately with EMDR. Usually, after sessions I feel a lot of things and I find the best way for me to process them is through writing.

I’m not a jealous person, but occasionally, it consumes me. It only happens in very specific scenarios. It’s whenever I see someone run well in a race. Jealously may not be the best word- that’s what my abuser told me it was. However, when I really sit with the feelings, I see it’s so much more than that. It took me years to admit to myself that he negatively affected my life and that I would have been better off without him… but it’s the truth. I feel sad. I mourn something that I could have been, but that he took from me. For years, when I would run, I would black out. My body wa

I wish your words cut like knives. Tearing open my innocent flesh, So that I could see you were a monster. I would have stood a chance. I wish your touch left bruises. My battered body could have matched my broken soul. Skin painted black and purple means run. But I stayed. I wish your kisses were daggers, I would not have mistaken it for love It was a dark, dark hellish force, With the smile of a saint. I wish it was “bad”. The shame wouldn’t live in my body, The guilt wouldn’t eat me alive. But it’s never “bad” enough, is it?

I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. I'm short on words because I'm in a similar place but I think I'm coming through. I'm sitting with you and I believe in you. You're stronger than you think ❤️

Thank you Lisa for your kind words ❤️ I'm so happy you are finding the colours you need to paint this picture. You're right, we are strong f*ckin butterflies and their webs are no match for us now!! We may get tangled up here and there but we'll always make it through and be stronger for it.

I'm so happy you have been feeling the colour- its sounds amazing by your words. I also can completely relate to you in regards to writing your story and how it may change over time. I've written my story multiple times for myself over the past 8 years. When I look back on my entries from when I was 16 vs now, they tell very different stories. At first, I would look back at what I wrote and feel embarrassed and mad that I was so deluded. Or, I would be scared the the "me now" was just warping the story to fit a narrative. Of course, thats not true. We grow and so do our perspectives and

@LisaButterfly Thank you so so much for your words. I woke up this morning and read your comment and I started crying, but they weren't sad tears. It feel like I've been in constant loop of shame lately and it feels so nice to be seen without the judgement through your words. It makes me feel less"bad" and have some compassion for myself. I'm sorry that you relate to this, but I'm really thankful to not feel so alone on this journey. It makes me so happy to hear that you're finding ways to show yourself love and self-care. Again, thank you so much for this comment- I don't think I can express

I don't think I've been completely honest with myself. I've been telling myself that I'm good. That I've been handling the case and the flashbacks that have come with the territory of recalling the abuse over and over again. And objectively, from the outside, I have been. I got into my dream PhD program. I've been excelling at my job. I've been making new friends in a completely new place. But I've started using drugs. Typing that brings a wave of shame and denial. Thats not me. If you knew me, not "Haze_D" but the real me, you would never in a million years guess that. I feel like I'm living

It scares me that I feel you slipping away. Or maybe you were never there in the first place. Gaping holes in my memories endlessly taunt me. I should remember the first time with you, yet I only remember the emotions. The confusion. The racing heart and sweaty palms mistakenly taken as love. I remember you asking permission, after you had already done it. I remember not wanting to upset you, so of course, I smiled and said it was okay. You were smart, cunning perhaps. You made sure to woe me with pleasures first so that I felt indebted to you. But when it was your turn, your tender touc

I can feel your strength and bravery through this piece- so beautiful. I'm with you on the train and sticking my head out the carriage to say "hello" too. Safe hugs ❤️