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taco_lover

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    Survivor

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  1. Could someone reach out to me in DMs? Something came up, and now I'm afraid I might have surpressed some CSA.

  2. my heart has been racing all day - i wonder if i'll ever stop feeling like i'm trapped.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      Sitting with you. :hug: if ok.

    3. womanofwillows

      womanofwillows

      Here for you friend.

    4. resilientrose

      resilientrose

      You won't be trapped forever, here if you need me ❤️

       

  3. It's June now. Only three more months until I'm out of this house. It's- unreal. He hasn't touched me in the last two months. It's a huge relief - but him not doing anything makes me feel like maybe he never did, maybe I was hallucinating, or dreaming- but I remember. I remember waking up in terror, I remember his hands on me when he hugged me. I remember it. Just because he doesn't do it now, doesn't mean it never happened. But it would be easier, if I was the insane one. If it was just my head making things up, if I was the cruel, twisted one, the bad person who came up with such horrendous memories. Because how can it be this person you loved for all your life? How can they hurt you like this, for all it seems without remorse? I don't understand. I suppose I never will. I can not stop trying to look for reasons, but I think I will not find any, no matter how long I look. I just want to pause my life. It feels like my emotions, everything got stuck somewhere in April, when I acknowledged it. But life keeps going, my classes keep going, and if I think too long about it, it make me want to break down and cry. This was supposed to be my summer. The end of my bachelor's degree. I was supposed to worry about exams, and papers, and writing a bachelor's thesis. Now I have to worry about classes I can't take, and teachers who are trying to help but are stuck in red tape of university rules; about panic attacks and the urge to self-harm again (after so many years of not doing that); about gaining weight because everything is too much and I stress-eat. This was suposed to be a stressful, but in the end, happy semester. I wonder where my promised happiness went.
  4. Today is one of those days where I just don't feel clean, even though I just showered.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. taco_lover

      taco_lover

      I really want to stop having these days ☹️ Thank you for sitting with me 💛

    3. tuliptorn

      tuliptorn

      I understand. Sitting with you as well.

    4. taco_lover

      taco_lover

      @tuliptorn thank you 💛

  5. I want to tell my boyfriend about the assault/abuse, but I don't know if I should, and also not how I would do it.
    Could someone who has experience or advice on this message me? 💛

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. taco_lover

      taco_lover

       I do hope telling him would be positive! But I think I might wait a little more - at least until I'm in a safer environment. Once I can actually deal with it, I think it will be easier to tell him? I don't know, but I think right now it would be too much for me, if he knew.
      It just feels like I go from wanting him to know to wanting to tell no-one ever again in the matter of days, or even minutes.

      Thank you for reaching out and for sitting with me, Cap. I appreciate it greatly. 💛

    3. Capulet

      Capulet

      No problem!!!  I do think that you bring up another good and valid point - telling/sharing is ALWAYS best when you're in a safe place, mentally, physically and emotionally.  If you're lacking in any of these areas, it's probably in your best interests to wait to tell him.  I agree with you there.  Good for you for putting yourself first!!! :)  That's spot-on, and exactly what we should all do.  We must not jump into anything that we might not be ready for, so I'm glad you've recognized that not being ready may be a possibility.  There's nothing wrong with that.  In building up to telling him. perhaps you COULD let him know that you'd like to share some things with him someday, and perhaps this will help you to gauge a little bit how receptive he might be to some of the harder things - or even to prepare him for some of it?  Just my two cents...but I think you're already on the right track. :)  - Cap

    4. taco_lover

      taco_lover

      I appreciate your two cents! Thank you! 😊

      I'm not really in a safe place right now - in none of these aspects. I'm not in imminent danger, but I'm also not safe. I'm going to be moving though, with one of my best friends. I'm confident living with her will help me be in a much safer/more stable place.
      And I'm trying to put myself first with this! Thank you for encouraging me! 😃

      Quote

      perhaps you COULD let him know that you'd like to share some things with him someday

      I was actually thinking about telling him something like that. He knows that I have panic attacks (he's helped me through a few, and he did a good job!), so I could tell him the reason for those without going into detail.

      I think I'm going to just, let the thought sit in my mind for a day or two, see how I feel about it. Taking it step by step. 🙂

  6. It's hard to feel okay today. I don't know. Everything just hurts.

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. taco_lover

      taco_lover

       @samantha2009 thank you for sitting with me - and for sending me a taco, that made me smile! 🌮💛

    3. taco_lover

      taco_lover

      @Free2Fly :hug:thank you for the hug! It was very much okay and made me feel better! And thank you for sitting with me. 💛

    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Your welcome 😊, glad I could make you feel better.

  7. I feel like a ghost pretending to be a person.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. taco_lover

      taco_lover

      I'm sorry you feel like that, too :(
      Thank you for sitting with me - I feel a little bit less alone 💛

    3. Field8

      Field8

      I see you also. Sitting with you if okay

    4. taco_lover

      taco_lover

      Thank you! I'm feeling a little better today, but it really means a lot to be seen.
      I really appreciate it 💛

  8. Does anyone else struggle with the thought that this happened to you,  that this will always be something that happened to you? Or does anyone know if you ever stop feeling like this?

    I know I'm at the beginning of the journey, so maybe I will stop feeling like this further down the road. But right now, it feels like I will never stop being a victim. Even if I move away. Even if I start over, the memories will haunt me. It feels like all of this will always be a thing that happened to me.
    I will have to deal with the fall out of what he did for maybe for the rest of my life, and it's just. I feel like I'm suffocating on the anger.

     

    1. tuliptorn

      tuliptorn

      Hey @taco_lover I struggle with these thoughts too. I do know there have been times where it has not been in the forefront of my mind during the day. It is always kinda sad when I realize its back. Now I try to appreciate that calmer part of the storm more than the its back part because it always knocks me down. Sometimes feeling the anger was better to me than feeling the pain left behind.

      Sitting with you 

      tulip

    2. taco_lover

      taco_lover

      @tuliptorn I'm sorry you also struggle with these thoughts. But I think trying to appreciate the times without the pain and the anger is good advice... I'll try to do that!

      I hope the thoughts will get less and less the more time passes!

      Thank you for answering and sitting with me, I appreciate it. 💛

      - taco

  9. I am letting out a few things because I'm feeling tired and sick and am crying in my bedroom 1. You stole something from me that you had no right to take. You have stolen my little brother from me. You replaced him with a monster hiding under my bed, and when I look at you, you still wear his face. You will not take anything else from me. You will not take the progress I made struggling with my mental health for five years. You make me feel like I have to hide my body, like I have to cover up and hide and curl up, and vanish into thin air. Do you realize how many years it took me to love my body? Do you realize that I had to make myself love it? You will not take the love I found for myself. You will not take the trust I have in other people, you will not take the trust I have for the world and the new people I meet. 2. You make me sick. Especially because most of the time you don't do things that are out of the normal range of things siblings do. Siblings hug each other, that's normal. Because you're siblings, right? Especially if you're not that far apart in age, especially if you've grown up together. Siblings can be close. I always thought we were that kind of siblings. I thought I could trust you. I thought you loved me. But I see now that I was mistaken. To you, I am not a sister, not a friend, not even a person - I am a toy. I am something you use before throwing it away, I am a thing to you. Do you even realize how sick the idea is that a human can be a toy? And do you even realize what you are doing? I am genuinely wondering. What kind of human does understand what they are doing and does it anyway? How do you justify this to yourself? How do you? 3. I don't know how to hate you. Maybe I will learn to hate you one day, or maybe not. Right now, I don't know how to uninstall the love I've felt for you for every single year of your life. And that makes me kind of sick, too.
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