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things i will never say

I am letting out a few things because I'm feeling tired and sick and am crying in my bedroom

1. You stole something from me that you had no right to take. You have stolen my little brother from me. You replaced him with a monster hiding under my bed, and when I look at you, you still wear his face. You will not take anything else from me. You will not take the progress I made struggling with my mental health for five years. You make me feel like I have to hide my body, like I have to cover up and hide and curl up, and vanish into thin air. Do you realize how many years it took me to love my body? Do you realize that I had to make myself love it?  You will not take the love I found for myself. You will not take the trust I have in other people, you will not take the trust I have for the world and the new people I meet.

2. You make me sick. Especially because most of the time you don't do things that are out of the normal range of things siblings do. Siblings hug each other, that's normal. Because you're siblings, right? Especially if you're not that far apart in age, especially if you've grown up together. Siblings can be close. I always thought we were that kind of siblings.
I thought I could trust you. I thought you loved me. But I see now that I was mistaken. To you, I am not a sister, not a friend, not even a person - I am a toy. I am something you use before throwing it away, I am a thing to you. Do you even realize how sick the idea is that a human can be a toy? And do you even realize what you are doing? I am genuinely wondering. What kind of human does understand what they are doing and does it anyway? How do you justify this to yourself? How do you?

3. I don't know how to hate you. Maybe I will learn to hate you one day, or maybe not. Right now, I don't know how to uninstall the love I've felt for you for every single year of your life. And that makes me kind of sick, too.


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