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  1. ceirsha

    All for nothing

    Exactly this. Abusers do not get to set our personal worth. Sitting with you teleah.
  2. ceirsha


    No this is not stupid. I struggle with sleep as well and it is a problem that affects many aspects of your life. Not sure that this would work for you, but you might find a bedtime routine (I eat a snack, shower, read) helpful. I have also found it very helpful to respect my triggers. I would do all those things you listed needing to do to sleep and not feel guilty about it...I make going to bed as stress free as possible. I slept on my couch in a sleeping bag for the better part of two years now and recently it has gotten much better by not pushing any of it at all. Anniversaries are hard, and certain weather and sleeping positions are also problems. I also think it is entirely understandable to have problems sleeping with another person awake in the room. I am sending you wishes for sleep before the sun comes up, at least for tonight.
  3. I am so sorry for what happened to you. I don't have many memories, and things I don't 'remember' come back in nightmares. They are very real.
  4. ceirsha

    what hurts the most

    Lots of hugs teleah. I am so sorry for your pain.
  5. Hawkgirl, Your post really resonated with me. And I *love* your name because it has so much power. I didn't know how 21 should feel either, because after I was raped as a teenager I felt *so* old for *so* long...my real life felt over and what remained was horrible. To deal with my assault, I made bad choices (the best I could but not even close the best possible) and tried to drink both the numbness and the pain away. I got married because I thought that would keep me from getting raped again (dumb, but I was not thinking clearly). I stayed married because it was expected. I shouldn't have, for so many reasons. I also had to stop drinking because of health issues. I stopped drinking when I was 27 and I am 60 now. There are still days when I want to drink...what helps me it to remind myself 1) that I am only not drinking for this very day (no commitment to never drink again...crazy as it sounds it works for me), 2) that I can reassess whether I want to drink again tomorrow (just put that drink off for one day), and rather recently 3) that my life is *so* much better without alcohol (better job, out of abusive relationship, have good friends who are interested in my well-being). Be patient with yourself, and know that small steps add up. It took a long time to get where I am and to be able to see the progress that I made. I feel younger than I have since the rape. I am basically happy, although finally dealing with all the stuff that I was in denial about...rape, relationships, abuse. That sucks, but therapy is helping with the constant chatter in my mind. I have insomnia all the time too...it sucks. I just go with it and work or clean etc if I know I won't be able to sleep. Can you bring your dog into your bed or bedroom? seeing my cat right by me sleeping reminds me that its safe to be asleep and really can relax me sometimes. Other times I thrash so much he leaves the bed... You should make the choice about a relationship with your ex boyfriend based on what you feel, not what your friend says. Is there a 'hidden' reason for your trust issues? Will he add to your life in a deep and meaningful way? You don't have to get married to not be alone, and you don't have to get married at all. Do what is right for you, even if it takes time to figure out. Sending you safe hugs if wanted, Nan.
  6. Hi Angiem, I am also older, and just started therapy this summer to try to deal with problems past abuse/assault has resulted in. You will find connections, support, and insight on here. Welcome to you!
  7. No worries about the time delay...I just sent you a private message so you can see how it works. Click on the envelope/email icon at the top right of the main message board page. I understand what you are saying about not being able to function some days...when this all first came up for me I had about a month of very bad days. They seem to be mostly over, and although I still have bad days, I can function at some level and often pretty well. I've been dealing with a *lot* of anger this past week or so...my T said that it will turn into power...I just want to get rid of it ...shovel snow, throw hay bales or chop firewood....none of which I can do where I live now. Arrggh! Dealiing with it by staining some new bookshelves this morning and maybe ironing later today if that's not enough physical stuff.
  8. Hello SignIn, and welcome to AS. I am sorry for the things that happened to bring you here, and people will respond and help you. I haven't been here very long, but they have helped me, both directly and by reading the thoughts they posted on the message board. I would just start by looking around to see what topics were of interest to you, and read (and respond) as you find helpful. I am also older, and I was raped when I was 19. Except for one short sentence to my brother 2 or 3 years after it happened, didn't talk about it at all until very recently...41 years later. I'm glad you know you weren't responsible for what happened to you...I thought I was too because I used to dance in the living room of our apartment where I could be seen through the sliding glass doors. (They looked out over a wide river, and only a peeping tom in the brush/small trees between the building and the river could have seen me). I told a friend, and my friends reported it, but counseling wasn't common then to the best of my knowledge, and it certainly wasn't mentioned by the police. I think that in my case, I began to deal with it because I had finally gotten to a place in my life where I felt safe enough to begin to heal and want to live life fully. In the course of pursuing that, I managed to kick up a lot of old stuff that I am getting counseling to deal with. You can pm (private message) me if you are uncomfortable on this message board. Nan
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