First I need to apologize for not replying to anyone on the show of support for my last blog entry. My thoughts were jumbled together and I was unable to really say much. The visit with the surgeon was in short devastating. His decision to call the transplant coordinator was equally painful. My tears have now dried and I am no longer thinking of quitting so I can at least write a little now. The thought of waiting two years is a bit much. I don't have the energy to wait that long. I sort of thought that might be the response of the transplant team. Still I am in the process of processing everything. I have gone silent IRL and with the exception of the occasional email, I don't really say much of anything. I hurt a lot right now but it is lessening some. I am fidgeting a lot more so I am employing my spinners more frequently. I am debating speaking to my doctor about anxiety meds but I don't know about that just yet. I have to do more research on it. I will likely need to find something I am not allergic to as well. I am finding this process a bit taxing. I am not going to quit. I am going to keep swinging for the fences.
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I did follow up yesterday from the surgery I had for cancer. Much to my surprise, his tune was far different than that of the endocrinologist. She was upbeat, optimistic and looking forward to me being transplanted. My visit with the surgeon deep sixed those plans and I was taken aback. The cancer wasn't contained to the thyroid as originally thought. It had spread to the lymph nodes. Now it is a matter of getting those nodes removed. To say I was blown away is an understatement. I cried. We were totally unprepared for this. Completely and totally unprepared. Now hearing that they are fiddling with health care it makes me wonder if we are headed for another Great Depression. I have spent the better part of the day trying to process yesterday's doctor's visit. It was overwhelming and I am searching for the bright spot in this. I know there is a bright spot. It is still treatable. It is not hopeless or useless. It is going to be ok. Things just hurt right now. So next step, more surgery followed by radiation.
I have been planning for quite sometime on writing a book. Well I have been thinking about intensely for years. Yet I finally started working on it yesterday. It feels like the time is right. This feels like what I am supposed to be doing right now. It is so hard to believe but the story, my story is finally coming together. I am facing with without the fear of previous attempts. I am facing it without the fear of backlash. I am facing it for the giant it is in my life. I am slaying it for the hell it has given me. I look at the pain I have been in for so long. I look at it, with it's shattered mirror shards jutting out. It looks so frightening and yet almost pitifully suffering. It needs to be dealt with and it needs to be treated. I have thought of counseling and I may look into that at some point again. Bad experiences with counselors in the past has caused me to look at that subject a bit warily. Yet, even now as I look at other ways of healing certain wounds, I am look the task before me. Putting those words into print, so that the world can know. So that I will have my voice. So I can help others speak. I must be able to speak and to tell what happened to me. I must no longer keep silent. As keeping silent keeps the pain going. It's like an infection, festering, blistering...growing until I feel nothing at all. I look forward to the day when my stories are purely fictional and my hero is able to win the fight. I will get there, but I have to tell the truth first. I have to tell the truth of those horrible years. I have to put a voice to that silence that has encased me like a tomb, gnawing at me like squirrel with a cracker. I have to speak the truth, perhaps not in love this time but speak it none the less. May this lancing and surgery be what I need to heal. I won't quit and I won't back down. Its time to take flight. They don't get to win. I don't have to keep the secret anymore. Even in knowing this, it feels like I am returning to an old flame. An old love with a renewed love of the art. Here's hoping I don't lose sight of the goal.
I try to be positive but even now with things falling every which way, I am forced to view reality. There are people who choose to care about me and people who aren't related to me who care more than my family does. My sisters haven't called me in a very long time. The last time I called them it was a power outage. Even with the transplant being cancelled, they didn't call. I shouldn't be surprised. Actually, I am not surprised. They would have surprised by calling. This got me thinking of how chosen family (people who aren't related to me but really do care) are so important to me. It's not that I want to be nit picky. I don't but I am grateful for the chosen family that I have. I am so thankful for my chosen family because I might have given up dealing with my regular biological family. I also like that I am able to expand that family too. Everyone doesn't get to be family but the ones who do are in there for life unless they decide otherwise.
It says 21 but that is more like 121. I don't feel my age. I can't remember the last time I ever felt my age. I don't know how that is supposed to feel now. I want to feel like a normal person but I have no idea what that feels like. I know what it is supposed to look like. I know how it should appear. I used to drink to deal with flashbacks. I don't drink any more. I can't. I got a virus from a blood transfusion. I am tired. If quitting were acceptable, I would but I know deep down it isn't. I keep pushing myself further. I must be better than my temptations. I don't drink, but there are times I want to be smashed so badly. Yet I know it doesn't make things feel any better. I saw and know that. I did too many shots and too many shooters. I feel so alone sometimes. Like right now, I feel so alone. Then there are times I don't. I feel fine with no one else around me. My ex keeps coming back. He is convinced we were meant to be together. Says I should have married him sooner but there is no time like the present. My own family said I missed a "really great guy". Yet there are so many changes. He has a daughter now. He is hoping I will be his wife now. Third time is the charm, I guess that is the conclusion I am to come to. I don't want to be on a roster. I don't want to be another number. I don't want to be with someone because I am comfortable,. Now that he has had his heart broken twice, I seem like a good option now. I am like an old leather jacket, comfortable and broken in. When I spoke with my religious friend, she said that marrying him was out of the question because one should only marry once. To marry him would be to commit adultery. What is wrong with me that I am even willing to consider that third wife gig?!! It feels like old, stand by rather than genuine love. Yet when we dated, our problem wasn't love. Loving each other then wasn't an issue. The issue was trust. The issue was his touch triggering memories in me. The issue was things he thought were normal to say. Things that should have been normal to say, it wasn't normal. It wasn't normal at all. It left me feeling more isolated than anything.
Now I am alone with the sound of a tv to keep me company while the house sleep. Everyone is sleeping but me. Even the dog is sleeping. If I were drunk, I would be asleep by now.... Another hour and I get to watch the sunrise...... I guess I made the sandman angry for some reason. Can't take sleeping meds, allergic to most of those and the ones I am not allergic to don't work. Like taking one of those orange mint tic tacs and hoping for real freshening power. Only you get that sweet orange flavor and no minty freshness. Sort of like looking for minty freshness from an orange lifesaver. This has to get better. I just know it has to.
I had toyed with the idea of blogging. I am usually not very good at it. I try to be positive. I try to be positive because being positive is very important to me. I have learned so much since the abuse ended. I have learned so much about myself and about the world around me. Some of the messages I have received from my experiences were wrong, very wrong. I learned what it was to be treated like an object. I learned what is was it be treated as less than human. Even after that, I found out there are so many other ways to hurt deeply. I have come through physical abuse, CSA, kidney failure, cancer and something has shifted in the process. The healing process has been a long one. I look forward to it ending. I was thinking of my moniker,. I am a huge fan of comic books, cartoons and other forms of animation. Chose Hawkgirl because she fights through whatever it is to get things handled. She is one of my favorite superheroes. It takes strength to make it through what we have made it through. I am glad AS is here. Keep looking up.