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Thank you for walking with me......

First I need to apologize for not replying to anyone on the show of support for my last blog entry.  My thoughts were jumbled together and I was unable to really say much. The visit with the surgeon was in short devastating.  His decision to call the transplant coordinator was equally painful.  My tears have now dried and I am no longer thinking of quitting so I can at least write a little now.  The thought of waiting two years is a bit much.  I don't have the energy to wait that long.  I sort o

Hawkgirl

Hawkgirl

 

Then the Surgeon Said

I did follow up yesterday from the surgery I had for cancer.  Much to my surprise, his tune was far different than that of the endocrinologist.  She was upbeat, optimistic and looking forward to me being transplanted.  My visit with the surgeon deep sixed those plans and I was taken aback.  The cancer wasn't contained to the thyroid as originally thought.  It had spread to the lymph nodes.  Now it is a matter of getting those nodes removed.  To say I was blown away is an understatement.  I cried

Hawkgirl

Hawkgirl

 

Writing In Sunlight and In Darkness

I have been planning for quite sometime on writing a book.  Well I have been thinking about intensely for years.   Yet I finally started working on it yesterday.  It feels like the time is right.  This feels like what I am supposed to be doing right now.  It is so hard to believe but the story, my story is finally coming together.  I am facing with without the fear of previous attempts.  I am facing it without the fear of backlash.   I am facing it for the giant it is in my life.  I am slaying i

Hawkgirl

Hawkgirl

 

Chosen Family v. Biology

I try to be positive but even now with things falling every which way, I am forced to view reality.   There are people who choose to care about me and people who aren't related to me who care more than my family does.  My sisters haven't called me in a very long time.  The last time I called them it was a power outage.   Even with the transplant being cancelled, they didn't call.  I shouldn't be surprised.  Actually, I am not surprised.  They would have surprised by calling. This got me thinking

Hawkgirl

Hawkgirl

 

Alone and Never Alone

It says 21 but that is more like 121.  I don't feel my age.  I can't remember the last time I ever felt my age.  I don't know how that is supposed to feel now.  I want to feel like a normal person but I have no idea what that feels like.  I know what it is supposed to look like. I know how it should appear.  I used to drink to deal with flashbacks.  I don't drink any more.  I can't.  I got a virus from a blood transfusion.  I am tired.  If quitting were acceptable, I would but I know deep down i

Hawkgirl

Hawkgirl

 

Potential Trigger - Random Thoughts Not So Random

I had toyed with the idea of blogging.   I am usually not very good at it.   I try to be positive.  I try to  be positive because being positive is very important to me.  I have learned so much since the abuse ended.  I have learned so much about myself and about the world around me.   Some of the messages I have received from my experiences were wrong, very wrong.   I learned what it was to be treated like an object. I learned what is was it be treated as less than human.   Even after that, I f

Hawkgirl

Hawkgirl

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