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It says 21 but that is more like 121.  I don't feel my age.  I can't remember the last time I ever felt my age.  I don't know how that is supposed to feel now.  I want to feel like a normal person but I have no idea what that feels like.  I know what it is supposed to look like. I know how it should appear.  I used to drink to deal with flashbacks.  I don't drink any more.  I can't.  I got a virus from a blood transfusion.  I am tired.  If quitting were acceptable, I would but I know deep down it isn't.  I keep pushing myself further.  I must be better than my temptations.  I don't drink, but there are times I want to be smashed so badly.  Yet I know it doesn't make things feel any better.  I saw and know that.  I did too many shots and too many shooters.  I feel so alone sometimes.  Like right now, I feel so alone.   Then there are times I don't.  I feel fine with no one else around me.  My ex keeps coming back.  He is convinced we were meant to be together.  Says I should have married him sooner but there is no time like the present.  My own family said I missed a "really great guy".  Yet there are so many changes. He has a daughter now.  He is hoping I will be his wife now.  Third time is the charm, I guess that is the conclusion I am to come to.  I don't want to be on a roster.  I don't want to be another number.  I don't want to be with someone because I am comfortable,. Now that he has had his heart broken twice, I seem like a good option now.   I am like an old leather jacket, comfortable and broken in.  When I spoke with my religious friend, she said that marrying him was out of the question because one should only marry once.  To marry him would be to commit adultery.   What is wrong with me that I am even willing to consider that third wife gig?!!  It feels like old, stand by rather than genuine love.  Yet when we dated, our problem wasn't love.  Loving each other then wasn't an issue.  The issue was trust.  The issue was his touch triggering memories in me.  The issue was things he thought were normal to say.  Things that should have been normal to say, it wasn't normal.  It wasn't normal at all.   It left me feeling more isolated than anything.

 

Now I am alone with the sound of a tv to keep me company while the house sleep.  Everyone is sleeping but me.  Even the dog is sleeping.  If I were drunk, I would be asleep by now.... Another hour and I get to watch the sunrise......  I guess I made the sandman angry for some reason.  Can't take sleeping meds, allergic to most of those and the ones I am not allergic to don't work.  Like taking one of those orange mint tic tacs and hoping for real freshening power.  Only you get that sweet orange flavor and no minty freshness.   Sort of like looking for minty freshness from an orange lifesaver.  This has to get better.  I just know it has to.

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Hawkgirl, Your post really resonated with me. And I *love* your name because it has so much power. I didn't know how 21 should feel either, because after I was raped as a teenager I felt *so* old for *so* long...my real life felt over and what remained was horrible. To deal with my assault, I made bad choices (the best I could but not even close the best possible) and tried to drink both the numbness and the pain away. I got married because I thought that would keep me from getting raped again (dumb, but I was not thinking clearly). I stayed married because it was expected. I shouldn't have, for so many reasons. I also had to stop drinking because of health issues. I stopped drinking when I was 27 and I am 60 now. There are still days when I want to drink...what helps me it to remind myself 1) that I am only not drinking for this very day (no commitment to never drink again...crazy as it sounds it works for me), 2) that I can reassess whether I want to drink again tomorrow (just put that drink off for one day), and rather recently 3) that my life is *so* much better without alcohol (better job, out of abusive relationship, have good friends who are interested in my well-being). Be patient with yourself, and know that small steps add up. It took a long time to get where I am and to be able to see the progress that I made. I feel younger than I have since the rape. I am basically happy, although finally dealing with all the stuff that I was in denial about...rape, relationships, abuse. That sucks, but therapy is helping with the constant chatter in my mind. I have insomnia all the time too...it sucks. I just go with it and work or clean etc if I know I won't be able to sleep. Can you bring your dog into your bed or bedroom? seeing my cat right by me sleeping reminds me that its safe to be asleep and really can relax me sometimes. Other times I thrash so much he leaves the bed... You should make the choice about a relationship with your ex boyfriend based on what you feel, not what your friend says. Is there a 'hidden' reason for your trust issues? Will he add to your life in a deep and meaningful way? You don't have to get married to not be alone, and you don't have to get married at all. Do what is right for you, even if it takes time to figure out. Sending you safe hugs if wanted, Nan.

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@ceirsha 

Thank you.  What you said made a lot of sense to me.  I will try what you have suggested here. I have not had a drink for a while.  I don't want to get into that habit of thinking in terms of drinking but that is where my stress takes me.  As much as I love my ex boyfriend, I don't know that being married to him would be the best thing for me.  I believe my faith is a very important component of my life.  My faith doesn't allow for a marriage with someone who doesn't share the same faith.  I would never force the issue. I allow him to make his own choices as forcing someone to believe something isn't fair to them.  He has known this about me since we met.  He also knows that I don't trust easily so he professes his undying love for me.  He talks about his ex wives and tells me of his "skills" which is a huge turn off to me.  But he is a genuinely sweet and understanding man.  He knows about the abuse.  He knows about the nightmares it brings.  When I told him about it, the first time, he got angry.  Not at me but at my abusers.  He feels his daughter should have been with me, not with someone else.  Yet that relationship was complicated.  I felt more inadequate than anything.  Flashbacks, memories etc, became overwhelming.   He didn't understand how his touch could bring me to tears.  I was blessed though to have someone who was tuned into me then too. I want to talk to him but even now, he is still married.  That is the most awkward part for me.  He hasn't filed for divorce from his second wife but they have been separated a few years now.  When I spoke to my brother (the adopted one) about this, he laughed and said I could do without that sort of drama in my life.  Others have said the same.   Right now I feel alone.  I have my dog.  I am thankful for him.  But I feel like something is missing.  When I got him, I suddenly needed a dog.  I found him in less than two days of searching for a dog.  He helps with the PTSD.   He helps on days when I can't get out of bed.  He sits by my bed and whines until I get up and scratch his ears.  When I finally do that, he will lay next to my bed and sleep.  He will be between his bed and my table.  I imagine it to be one of the hardest spots in the room. But short of jumping on the bed, it is as close to me as he can get.   I was able to finally sleep in my room with my dog there.  He sleeps in my room every night.  It feels lonely without him.  Sometimes he gets up during the night and goes into another room.  He does snore like a human.  He is not as loud as he used to be.  I have to find a way to meet new people.  Right now that is fairly limited.  I go to medical appointments and things like that.  The surgeons know me so well, that when I stop by the hospital I am on first name basis with over half the staff.  It is like walking in to Cheers.  They catch you at the door and from registeration to surgical prep, it's Hey!  How are you!  Weren't you just here two weeks ago?  Ok you know the routine. Then you will hear a nurse say, yeah, she's here. I suppose it could be worse,. That could be the police saying that and not the surgical staff.   I am going to try reminding myself I don't need to drink anything today other than a cold Izze.  Sending safe hugs to you too.  Thank you again.  :hug:

 

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