It says 21 but that is more like 121. I don't feel my age. I can't remember the last time I ever felt my age. I don't know how that is supposed to feel now. I want to feel like a normal person but I have no idea what that feels like. I know what it is supposed to look like. I know how it should appear. I used to drink to deal with flashbacks. I don't drink any more. I can't. I got a virus from a blood transfusion. I am tired. If quitting were acceptable, I would but I know deep down it isn't. I keep pushing myself further. I must be better than my temptations. I don't drink, but there are times I want to be smashed so badly. Yet I know it doesn't make things feel any better. I saw and know that. I did too many shots and too many shooters. I feel so alone sometimes. Like right now, I feel so alone. Then there are times I don't. I feel fine with no one else around me. My ex keeps coming back. He is convinced we were meant to be together. Says I should have married him sooner but there is no time like the present. My own family said I missed a "really great guy". Yet there are so many changes. He has a daughter now. He is hoping I will be his wife now. Third time is the charm, I guess that is the conclusion I am to come to. I don't want to be on a roster. I don't want to be another number. I don't want to be with someone because I am comfortable,. Now that he has had his heart broken twice, I seem like a good option now. I am like an old leather jacket, comfortable and broken in. When I spoke with my religious friend, she said that marrying him was out of the question because one should only marry once. To marry him would be to commit adultery. What is wrong with me that I am even willing to consider that third wife gig?!! It feels like old, stand by rather than genuine love. Yet when we dated, our problem wasn't love. Loving each other then wasn't an issue. The issue was trust. The issue was his touch triggering memories in me. The issue was things he thought were normal to say. Things that should have been normal to say, it wasn't normal. It wasn't normal at all. It left me feeling more isolated than anything.
Now I am alone with the sound of a tv to keep me company while the house sleep. Everyone is sleeping but me. Even the dog is sleeping. If I were drunk, I would be asleep by now.... Another hour and I get to watch the sunrise...... I guess I made the sandman angry for some reason. Can't take sleeping meds, allergic to most of those and the ones I am not allergic to don't work. Like taking one of those orange mint tic tacs and hoping for real freshening power. Only you get that sweet orange flavor and no minty freshness. Sort of like looking for minty freshness from an orange lifesaver. This has to get better. I just know it has to.