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About this blog

Stream of consciousness ramblings / a place to pour out my heavy heart.

Entries in this blog

The What If's

*possible trigger warning* I know. I am totally and completely aware that dwelling on or even thinking about what if's or what should have been's or whatever is completely counter productive. Totally unhelpful and maybe even harmful. It was pretty much the only thing that I did towards the end of high school and in to my (very early) 20's (I'm only 25). All I could think about as I was attempting to navigate the murky, traumatic memory filled waters of my depression was one question: "
lunarosa

lunarosa

2
depression

The Heaviness, It Drags Me Down

I am feeling the heaviness again. It comes to me in cycles and it grips me and it weighs me down and it feels inescapable.  I am trying to hold on to hope but life can be so difficult sometimes, it can feel so hopeless.  I'm not working currently but my bills keep piling up, I'm still waiting to hear back on a job that I thought I had gotten but they haven't said much else and I'm just waiting to start working again, desperate for it because I am so broke. I'm in school but I've sudden
lunarosa

lunarosa in depression

1

Taking Responsibility

I was 22 years old when I got married. I hadn't worked a day in my life. I was depressed and lost and unsure of myself. I met a nice guy who I cared for deeply but now I know I was never in love with him. I just told myself that I was because I needed a way out. How horrible is that? This man who did nothing to deserve me wasting his time and giving him a few years of lazy, half-assed "love". I'm not dumb enough to paint him in a pure light though. He definitely had his evil side and he mad
lunarosa

lunarosa

1

One

I can't read anymore. I love to read but I can't anymore. Every time I try I feel like my mind is clouded by too many thoughts and memories and I can't push past them and focus on the words. My eyes recognize them, they're familiar but they don't register as much in my brain. I read the same paragraph four times. My eyes don't want to focus on anything anymore, driving seems impossible because I don't feel like I'm anywhere. I feel like I'm floating somewhere just outside myself, performing task
lunarosa

lunarosa

0

II

I have a job, that's good. I'm grateful but I feel restless and like I'm "supposed" to be achieving so much more than I am. I feel like my anxiety has vastly improved. I feel like I'm a different person than I was a year ago but then there are the moments where the anxiety overtakes me and the negative self-talk overwhelms me and I feel like I'm back to where I started: feeling utterly and completely hopeless and useless.  I'm back in CA, where I belong, I suppose. I've always felt like I f
lunarosa

lunarosa

0
blog

I'm back, years later...

Wow, it's been a long time since I've visited this site. I honestly can't even remember where I was in life when I was last here. Though my past blog entries give me a glimpse of a woman who was desperate and co-dependent and depressed. (I am still a few of those things). In these few years, I ended things with the man I thought I was in love with and met someone who I actually did fall in love with! Then that ended in December and I am left here, single and still in love with him but attempting
lunarosa

lunarosa in blog

1

Blah

The title pretty much sums up how I feel lately. My divorce is finalized, that feels like a weight off of my shoulders. I'm working at a job that I sort of can't stand but it pays the bills and will enable me to go to school next year. I haven't really had a chance to write out my feelings lately and I haven't really been able to pinpoint how I feel. I go from feeling really depressed or hopeless to not feeling anything at all and I think the past few days I've been feeling pretty numb but it's
lunarosa

lunarosa

0

Another Day...

No matter how much I feel like I'm improving or feeling better or handling things better, some days seem impossible to get through. The past month has felt too hard. It takes everything in me to force myself to go to work and smile and be "on". I feel drained despite not really doing much. I feel unloved. I feel a million different things and none of them seem to be good. Nothing is interesting anymore to me either. I'm irritated by everyone and everything. I hope these entries aren't too repeti
lunarosa

lunarosa

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