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I have a job, that's good. I'm grateful but I feel restless and like I'm "supposed" to be achieving so much more than I am. I feel like my anxiety has vastly improved. I feel like I'm a different person than I was a year ago but then there are the moments where the anxiety overtakes me and the negative self-talk overwhelms me and I feel like I'm back to where I started: feeling utterly and completely hopeless and useless. 

I'm back in CA, where I belong, I suppose. I've always felt like I feel more at home here than any other place I've been. Maybe it's just that there are so many familiar people. 

My life is about to change a lot soon. If I can manage to push pass the intense anxiety at even the idea of applying for community college, I'll be starting school in Spring. If I'm able to get any financial aid. And that depends on if my ex gets our divorce finalized next month the way he's supposed to so that I can use my parent's tax information because I'm a dependent. I hardly make any money and couldn't possibly make it living on my own let alone pay for college. I can't even pay my bills.

I feel like I have things much more together than I used to but some parts of life are still a mess. I'm still engaging in some sort of weird non-relationship with J. He calls me his best friend but it's more than that. Right? Best friends don't typically sleep together and kiss and hold hands and tell each other they're in love. Despite the fact that I haven't seen my ex or really spoken to him in...wow...a long time...J insists he can't be with me until my divorce is finalized. Which I totally understand, I just wish it hadn't taken so long for me to get it taken care of. Thank my anxiety for that, always putting uncomfortable things off until the last minute because it stresses me out to even think about them. But I have the suspicion that even after the papers go through and I'm officially single it won't make a difference. Part of me is convinced that we won't ever be together. That maybe we don't belong together. He seems so great but then I really start to think about things and I wonder if this is healthy. If he's right for me. I finally feel like I deserve quite a bit in the romance category, I'm not as self-conscious as before and have a much better sense of my worth. There are a lot of things I could type out here about his temper and his lack of communication skills and how terribly frustrating it is for me to feel like he doesn't tell me anything (despite the fact that he repeatedly tells me that he feels such a strong connection with me and wants to tell me everything and I'm his best friend). One of the biggest things I think about is when I was living with him last year, before the break up, I got a UTI. The worst UTI I've ever gotten in my entire life, I was in so much pain I couldn't even stand up straight and walk and I had a horrible fever. I told him I needed to go to an urgent care because I couldn't take the pain, it was terrible. I wasn't crying or anything, I can buck up quite a bit in the face of physical pain (usually). I wasn't working at the time and he was getting ready to leave for work. I half expected him to offer to drive me to the clinic but he didn't. He didn't even really come over and comfort me or say much....at all. I ended up telling him I was going to take a Lyft to the clinic so I could get some medication to clear it up and he still didn't offer to take me...I was too embarrassed to ask him to come at that point even though I was anxious as hell to go to urgent care and I hate doctors and had never felt this sort of intense pain before so I was just all around scared in general and could have used him there for support. But I said nothing and he didn't seem very worried at all. So I grabbed a water bottle and waited for my car to pick me up and he gave me a kiss and told me to let him know what happened. That's it. I had to ride in a Lyft to Urgent Care in intense pain, alone. And wait to be seen by a nurse for about an hour and a half, alone. Still in pain and still terrified and anxious. Later, he called me and gave me a half-hearted apology: "I should have taken you." 

I'm still hurt by this, isn't that strange? There's nothing like being in pain and your boyfriend let's you take a car service to the clinic without comforting you for you to feel like he doesn't give a crap about your pain or you. Yet, I still go see him. Still consider him my best friend. Still miss him and love him and hope he means it when he says he feels the same. I wish I could read minds sometimes.

This post was just a rant about my "relationship" (friends with benefits sounds so....blegh). But this is what this blog is for. For me to spill my guts out since I have nowhere else to turn to and no real friends to speak of. Besides J. But it would be a little strange for me to rant about him to him, wouldn't it.


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