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The title pretty much sums up how I feel lately. My divorce is finalized, that feels like a weight off of my shoulders. I'm working at a job that I sort of can't stand but it pays the bills and will enable me to go to school next year. I haven't really had a chance to write out my feelings lately and I haven't really been able to pinpoint how I feel. I go from feeling really depressed or hopeless to not feeling anything at all and I think the past few days I've been feeling pretty numb but it's been punctuated by bouts of sadness and the urge to start sobbing in the middle of my shifts at work. So for my own sake I'm going to sum up what my situation is currently.

I'm working a job that I hate and makes me extremely anxious.

I have to apply for school in a few weeks but I'm afraid I won't get any financial aid or I'll chicken out at the last minute and not even apply.

I'm in love with someone who doesn't want to be with me because my divorce wasn't finalized and now that it is, he still doesn't want to be with me but he's my best friend and one of the only people I have to talk to so that puts me in a weird place emotionally.

I'm lonely and I miss having a friendship with a girl, every time I see girls laughing together or out doing things I get majorly nostalgic for times when I used to have close girl friends. I guess I'll eventually meet more people and form new friendships but it sort of stinks to always feel so isolated and like I don't have friends. Even when I got over to J's it isn't like going to spend time with a friend, it's more like going to see a boyfriend. I don't think we're capable of keeping things strictly platonic.

Do people actually read these? I'm sorry if you do, I'm so boring and these entries are just for myself to vent or just start typing whatever pops in to my head. 

I know that good things are coming soon. They just can't come soon enough.


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