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lunarosa

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  • Content Count

    40
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  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    Writing, reading, video games.

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. I am feeling the heaviness again. It comes to me in cycles and it grips me and it weighs me down and it feels inescapable. I am trying to hold on to hope but life can be so difficult sometimes, it can feel so hopeless. I'm not working currently but my bills keep piling up, I'm still waiting to hear back on a job that I thought I had gotten but they haven't said much else and I'm just waiting to start working again, desperate for it because I am so broke. I'm in school but I've suddenly lost all motivation for it. Thinking of doing assignments makes me feel so exhausted. Some days I
  2. Hi, welcome! I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I have a similar experience and am struggling with the same feelings as you. You aren't alone! I hope you find the support that you need here. If you ever need to talk or vent you can always message me.
  3. Wow, it's been a long time since I've visited this site. I honestly can't even remember where I was in life when I was last here. Though my past blog entries give me a glimpse of a woman who was desperate and co-dependent and depressed. (I am still a few of those things). In these few years, I ended things with the man I thought I was in love with and met someone who I actually did fall in love with! Then that ended in December and I am left here, single and still in love with him but attempting to move through. I have a new but still terrible job that I'm hoping to leave soon. I did wind up g
  4. lunarosa

    Blah

    The title pretty much sums up how I feel lately. My divorce is finalized, that feels like a weight off of my shoulders. I'm working at a job that I sort of can't stand but it pays the bills and will enable me to go to school next year. I haven't really had a chance to write out my feelings lately and I haven't really been able to pinpoint how I feel. I go from feeling really depressed or hopeless to not feeling anything at all and I think the past few days I've been feeling pretty numb but it's been punctuated by bouts of sadness and the urge to start sobbing in the middle of my shifts at work
  5. @Ian37 I had a similar issue. I got married after having really awful relationships in my late teens because I thought that was as good as it would get. Not to mention it was very easy for me to be dependent on him emotionally as well as in most other aspects. He had no problem making decisions for me and I just let it happen. My self-worth was non existent and luckily recently it's much better but there is always work to be done. Thank you so much for your kind words.
  6. I was 22 years old when I got married. I hadn't worked a day in my life. I was depressed and lost and unsure of myself. I met a nice guy who I cared for deeply but now I know I was never in love with him. I just told myself that I was because I needed a way out. How horrible is that? This man who did nothing to deserve me wasting his time and giving him a few years of lazy, half-assed "love". I'm not dumb enough to paint him in a pure light though. He definitely had his evil side and he made me feel absolutely awful about myself. Does that justify the hurt that I put him through? Sometime
  7. @Ian37 Thank you so much for your comment. It does feel better to know that I'm not completely alone in the way that I feel, however at the same time I wouldn't wish these feelings on anybody else and I'm sorry for any struggles you face in daily life and hope things improve soon! For the both of us. Lack of control is something I relate with very strongly. Especially up until about a year ago, I used to feel like I had absolutely no control over myself or my life in this strange unexplained way. Like I was detached from myself and all of my choices and actions, it can feel absolutely ho
  8. No matter how much I feel like I'm improving or feeling better or handling things better, some days seem impossible to get through. The past month has felt too hard. It takes everything in me to force myself to go to work and smile and be "on". I feel drained despite not really doing much. I feel unloved. I feel a million different things and none of them seem to be good. Nothing is interesting anymore to me either. I'm irritated by everyone and everything. I hope these entries aren't too repetitive, this is the only place I feel safe saying how I feel and what I'm thinking. I don't really hav
  9. @mleigh90 The "reason" I've heard most is that it's a "control thing". Whatever an abuser's reasoning, it'll never be good enough. It will never make it OK or heal anyone who they've hurt and that just stinks. I wish you nothing but the best in your journey towards healing and I'm here if you ever need to talk!
  10. *possible trigger warning* I know. I am totally and completely aware that dwelling on or even thinking about what if's or what should have been's or whatever is completely counter productive. Totally unhelpful and maybe even harmful. It was pretty much the only thing that I did towards the end of high school and in to my (very early) 20's (I'm only 25). All I could think about as I was attempting to navigate the murky, traumatic memory filled waters of my depression was one question: "What kind of person would I be now if I hadn't been molested?". That question, sometimes worded diff
  11. lunarosa

    II

    I have a job, that's good. I'm grateful but I feel restless and like I'm "supposed" to be achieving so much more than I am. I feel like my anxiety has vastly improved. I feel like I'm a different person than I was a year ago but then there are the moments where the anxiety overtakes me and the negative self-talk overwhelms me and I feel like I'm back to where I started: feeling utterly and completely hopeless and useless. I'm back in CA, where I belong, I suppose. I've always felt like I feel more at home here than any other place I've been. Maybe it's just that there are so many familia
  12. lunarosa

    One

    I can't read anymore. I love to read but I can't anymore. Every time I try I feel like my mind is clouded by too many thoughts and memories and I can't push past them and focus on the words. My eyes recognize them, they're familiar but they don't register as much in my brain. I read the same paragraph four times. My eyes don't want to focus on anything anymore, driving seems impossible because I don't feel like I'm anywhere. I feel like I'm floating somewhere just outside myself, performing tasks and answering questions like a robot. Saying things I think I'm supposed to say, going along with
  13. I found this site months ago and have just now gotten the courage to post something. I feel that my life is falling apart and I feel stuck and hopeless and like I'm holding those that I love back from being happy. I came here to try and find support and someone to talk to. My issues are all caused from abuse I suffered as a child and I feel like I'll never heal and never feel better. I'm not sure if I'm using this site correctly or if this even makes any sense but I needed to reach out somehow and this seemed like a good place.
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