Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
  • entries
    6
  • comments
    8
  • views
    884

Taking Responsibility

lunarosa

221 views

I was 22 years old when I got married. I hadn't worked a day in my life. I was depressed and lost and unsure of myself. I met a nice guy who I cared for deeply but now I know I was never in love with him. I just told myself that I was because I needed a way out. How horrible is that? This man who did nothing to deserve me wasting his time and giving him a few years of lazy, half-assed "love".

I'm not dumb enough to paint him in a pure light though. He definitely had his evil side and he made me feel absolutely awful about myself. Does that justify the hurt that I put him through? Sometimes I'm haunted by the baby I never had. Sometimes I'll have dreams where I'm pregnant and whoever the father is in my dream will tell me the same thing my ex told me that day: "if you have this baby, I'm not going to love it." I was crushed. We had planned for the baby that I became pregnant with. We discussed it and agreed that we should try for a baby. Then I got pregnant and things changed. I didn't go through with the pregnancy, the pain of his words was so heavy on my shoulders and my heart and my mind. I remember how much I convinced everyone who knew what had  happened that I had chosen that path but I hadn't. I begged him to reconsider. He didn't. While I know that ultimately, the choice was the best thing judging by how our relationship crumbled quickly, I still get sad. I had the procedure a week after my birthday and he acted like it was no big deal. 

I want to be a mother so badly. Maybe one day, Luna...maybe.

Now, every thing is finally getting sorted out. The divorce is almost finalized and I can (almost!!!) close this chapter of my life for good and move forward with trying to find peace and comfort and love within myself. 

I'm attempting to take responsibility for my actions more lately. To stop trying to use the way people treat me or have treated me as justifications for my actions or choices. To stop making excuses. It can be hard. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going to be stuck in this victim mentality forever. I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to be a survivor. I just want to be me. A person. A normal human being. I need to stop making myself the victim in every situation, I definitely feel like that's what I do.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing tonight. I can't sleep and I'm starting to feel anxious for the first time in a very long time and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I can already feel that it's going to be hard to sleep for me. I remember at the peak of my depression when I couldn't get to sleep until like 5am. I sincerely hope that isn't happening again.

My mind is racing. My anxiety is growing by the minute and I don't know how I'm going to keep it from spiraling.

I'm sending out only good and positive energy now for all of my stresses to dissolve. For any issues that I have to find attainable resolutions and for a clear head and at least four hours of sleep tonight.

Not a good night.



3 Comments


Recommended Comments

Luna Rosa, I got married very early on in life as well. Depression and uncertainty can be a rather intense combination. I basically just ate up the attention of the first woman to show me any at all. So, I cared for this woman very much. She was a good individual. Just was not the best fit for me really in any possible way. My hope was to find a way out. Though the outcome was even more a sense of being lost. 

I do not think of you as horrible at all to be honest though. Nor dumb at all. Because it does not seem as if you got with him with the intention to cause harm or hurt. There are always two souls out there in any kind of relationship. So he takes just as much responsibility as a result. It's not a knock on him. Just the honest truth of any relationship leaving both parties both open and vulnerable. This person was likely not the best for you. Thus that maybe make it hard to give another all of yourself.

I'm so sorry for all you have gone through. Cannot even imagine what it must have felt like losing a baby like that. It really is not easy to break certain patterns. Even those that may not be the best for us. So maybe his not always best attention toward you was seemingly better than none at all.  I have always struggled with self-worth and it has had a huge effect on those who I've associated with. 

Please try to appreciate though that just because the general timing may not have bene right, it's not a definitive indication of what always will be a specific way. You may end up down the line find the right one for you. Or you may not end up with anyone at all. Not like you necessarily need another to determine or justify your ultimate happiness. Though, my sense is you do still want to perhaps end up with someone. I honestly and sincerely want this more than anything else. Not because of what I need. Much more of what I want to give. Just to the right individual is all. Just that it may not be in the cards. So, my challenge now is realizing that forcing my future happiness on one other soul may just mean more going forward.

My hope is that you are able to find some rest in the days to come. Even though none of this is bound to be easy at all. I do think it is absolutely awesome that you are taking more of that responsibility lately. Though that does not mean you have made all of these mistakes either. We just cannot always control what will happen to us in life. Though, we can choose how we'll respond going forward. There can maybe be some sense of empowerment in that.

:luck:

 

 

Share this comment


Link to comment

@Ian37 I had a similar issue. I got married after having really awful relationships in my late teens because I thought that was as good as it would get. Not to mention it was very easy for me to be dependent on him emotionally as well as in most other aspects. He had no problem making decisions for me and I just let it happen. My self-worth was non existent and luckily recently it's much better but there is always work to be done.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Share this comment


Link to comment

Luna Rosa, it sincerely saddens me to see that you can perhaps sort of relate yet also makes me feel a little less alone as well. It really does suck to think we are worth less than we're meant to now because of a messed up past. It is definitely all a work in progress on this end too. Though, there also always needs to be a start.

:luck:

Share this comment


Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×