I was 22 years old when I got married. I hadn't worked a day in my life. I was depressed and lost and unsure of myself. I met a nice guy who I cared for deeply but now I know I was never in love with him. I just told myself that I was because I needed a way out. How horrible is that? This man who did nothing to deserve me wasting his time and giving him a few years of lazy, half-assed "love".
I'm not dumb enough to paint him in a pure light though. He definitely had his evil side and he made me feel absolutely awful about myself. Does that justify the hurt that I put him through? Sometimes I'm haunted by the baby I never had. Sometimes I'll have dreams where I'm pregnant and whoever the father is in my dream will tell me the same thing my ex told me that day: "if you have this baby, I'm not going to love it." I was crushed. We had planned for the baby that I became pregnant with. We discussed it and agreed that we should try for a baby. Then I got pregnant and things changed. I didn't go through with the pregnancy, the pain of his words was so heavy on my shoulders and my heart and my mind. I remember how much I convinced everyone who knew what had happened that I had chosen that path but I hadn't. I begged him to reconsider. He didn't. While I know that ultimately, the choice was the best thing judging by how our relationship crumbled quickly, I still get sad. I had the procedure a week after my birthday and he acted like it was no big deal.
I want to be a mother so badly. Maybe one day, Luna...maybe.
Now, every thing is finally getting sorted out. The divorce is almost finalized and I can (almost!!!) close this chapter of my life for good and move forward with trying to find peace and comfort and love within myself.
I'm attempting to take responsibility for my actions more lately. To stop trying to use the way people treat me or have treated me as justifications for my actions or choices. To stop making excuses. It can be hard. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going to be stuck in this victim mentality forever. I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to be a survivor. I just want to be me. A person. A normal human being. I need to stop making myself the victim in every situation, I definitely feel like that's what I do.
I'm not even sure why I'm writing tonight. I can't sleep and I'm starting to feel anxious for the first time in a very long time and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I can already feel that it's going to be hard to sleep for me. I remember at the peak of my depression when I couldn't get to sleep until like 5am. I sincerely hope that isn't happening again.
My mind is racing. My anxiety is growing by the minute and I don't know how I'm going to keep it from spiraling.
I'm sending out only good and positive energy now for all of my stresses to dissolve. For any issues that I have to find attainable resolutions and for a clear head and at least four hours of sleep tonight.
Not a good night.