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I'm back, years later...



Wow, it's been a long time since I've visited this site. I honestly can't even remember where I was in life when I was last here. Though my past blog entries give me a glimpse of a woman who was desperate and co-dependent and depressed. (I am still a few of those things). In these few years, I ended things with the man I thought I was in love with and met someone who I actually did fall in love with! Then that ended in December and I am left here, single and still in love with him but attempting to move through. I have a new but still terrible job that I'm hoping to leave soon. I did wind up going to school and am actually about to graduate very soon, in a few months in fact. An AA in Psychology and an AA in Social Sciences. I've chosen the path that will lead me to help others, preferably children or adolescents with trauma healing. I have been accepted into a University for the fall, I recently got a new car and I am currently seeing a therapist who is incredibly kind and understanding and helpful. 

And I'm still depressed.

It's funny how things can sound like they're going so well and how I can seemingly have all of these ducks in a row and still I feel the crushing weight of depression on me most days. I am still feeling like I'm drowning although it's more intermittent than it was before. I came back here because I don't have many friends. There are times when I can't really tell my therapist everything and so I feel like there has to be somewhere that I can use my voice and spill my guts totally and unapologetically. Yes, I could write in a journal but screaming out into the abyss of the internet feels more fitting for me. More cathartic. I am so overwhelmed by my schedule at work and school work and keeping things balanced and being a human being and breathing and living and existing and having next to no time for myself. Every spare moment feels like it's dedicated to work and school and I still have to be able to balance things and keep a positive outlook and work on healing and overcoming these things that had weighed so heavily. I feel like I'm being pulled in about a million different directions. I'm feeling helpless and lost.

It's all frustrating. I'm so frustrated with myself. I want to help others but I can't until I can help myself and right now that feels so impossible. I feel empty and tired and sometimes I wish I weren't here anymore. I don't want to die or commit suicide but I just think it would be nice to....shut down....disappear....hibernate for a few months. Come back refreshed and new. Preferably with a new life. 

If only, if only.  

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We have had some similar experiences! I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. The persistent depression is a huge challenge for me. Luckily, I've had a good week. But these past few months have been hard. I also had a break up in December, and recently had to say goodbye to my dear pet of 11+ years. And balancing a really busy job and school on top of it.

I get what you mean about things seemingly going well and still feeling depressed. It gets difficult to find hope in those times. I hope you are being very kind to yourself. 

(Oh, and I also intend to make a career out of helping others heal from trauma) 💛

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