I only started signing on here and already this community means so much to me... each of your stories, your kind, funny, intelligent and courageous personalities that sparkle through the comments and posts offering courage, humor, compassion, creativity and hope. Already, being here has helped me feel so much less alone than I thought would ever happen, and it has stirred up a lot in me. Some of that has been really hard: I had one of the absolute worst flashbacks I have had in a decade, I have come to see how much I have been holding my memories and trauma locked beneath the surface to keep acting fine, I am starting to feel the edge of what feels like a deep and lifelong grief that I have kept away through numbness and disassociation... but I also think there has been a great deal of goodness in being stirred up like this too: I have been able to tell my story more completely than I had done before, I have shared with y’all parts of my trauma that I could never even acknowledge before, and I have been able to offer support, kindness and belief in you and your experiance in a way that I hope to be able to offer to myself someday.
But in the last couple days I notice I have so much less in me to say. I see your posts and I still send you all my care, my wish for your well being, my kindness and compassion has not diminished... just the words, its harder to put it down, perhaps I have run low on spoons. I think I am okay, I don’t mean to worry any of you, I am finding a way through the dark marshes... I just want you all to know that I am still here, still witnessing and caring about your hardships and pain, still cheering and celebrating your successes and strengths. Maybe I am turning inward to process, maybe I am shutting down a bit, I am not quite sure... but it still helps to see each of you, posting and commenting, I think through it I see you role modeling what it looks like to ask for support when things get tough. I am grateful for that as well, It is something I am trying to learn. Whether I have words or not, I plan to keep showing up, and I am sorry if I have less capacity right now but no matter what, I believe you, and I may do so quietly, but I am sitting with you in comfort and kindness.