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abhaya

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pluses and minuses

abhaya

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I am not knowing where to put this, so I thought I would just put it here... <shrug>

I'm feeling a bit tender and emotionally sore this morning.  I pushed too hard yesterday, opened a door that had been well wedged closed because I so wanted to bring it to light, but then I had the worst flashback last night that I've had in years.  Most of my flashbacks these days are at worst like having a sort of double exposure, I'm here and now and the bad experience is overlaid on top, so it gets disorienting and scary but some part of my mind is aware that it isn't really happening again.  Last night I got stuck in the past, I really couldn't tell that I wasn't there/then, couldn't tell my husband what was happening because I couldn't tell that it WAS my husband with me.  I came up out of it slowly, not like when I have dream flashbacks and I get shocked awake, it was a slow process of verifying reality again.  Today I'm tired, and emotionally fragile and sore.  I don't regret trying to open up about the memories that were connected to the flashback, but I'm a little worried that there may be more flashbacks for a while... I am hoping not.  That one was really plenty for me. But now I know that it can happen again, I know that I may need to talk with my husband about it, and what to do if it happens.  I felt so bad after for scaring him. And I have to go to the doctor today, which always makes my anxiety worse... but hopefully the doctor will say that I can start to walk again, I am hoping for that and that if I can start to walk it may help me feel less vulnerable and on edge in general. 

Well, that's it I guess.  Just wanted to notice what was happening.



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