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It's been a while since I've been on here but I'm trying to get through the holidays and would really like sitters if possible. There's a major traumaversary coming up along with a lot of death anniversaries and family drama while I'm home. I'm getting through it by staying busy but its especially hard whenever I have time to sit and think.
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Sitting with you too.
I've had 3 deaths anniversaries in December. One of them was my father's, who ran away from my mother after only 4 months of marriage and didn't want to be involved with me, even after I'd become an adult, left 'home' and had a job, and the other was that of the cat who was my companion from the age of 4 to the age of 17 1/2. I have another death anniversary coming in February: my cousin, who was sexually abused by a priest at his Roman Catholic boarding school, committed suicide when I was 3. He was about 25 years older than me as my father married my mother when he was in his 50s.
I read up on Complicated Grief a couple of years ago, it helped a little. When my father died, I hadn't seen him for over 20 years, my cat was taken to the vet by my mother and euthanized at her request because he had difficulties controlling his bladder and sometimes didn't make it in time to his litter box, and my cousin's suicide was a big family taboo, the family's official version was that he had died in a car accident, they refused to follow his will so he was buried in the family plot even though he wanted to be cremated with dispersal of ashes (and, as he had committed suicide, the priest shouldn't have agreed to bury him in consecrated grounds), and although his belongings were salvaged from his flat and ended up in our house (including the toilet brush), I had to wait a dozen years before I was authorised to look at a photograph of him, which was then taken away. By that time I hardly remembered what he looked like. As a 3-year old, it was awful, having my memories of him fade away, knowing I would never see him again. Even then I didn't believe in God and an afterlife, and the priest had told me that my cousin had gone to Hell anyway, because he had committed suicide, to which I objected 'But he had a car accident!'. He told me with a significant look that this wasn't true, but whenever I mentioned to other people that my cousin had committed suicide, my mother would get mad and insist that he had had an accident. The hypocrisy...
I stayed in a hotel over Xmas and watched the James Bond movie SkyFall on TV. Before setting fire to his family home, James Bond turns back to take a last look at it, then mutters 'I've always hated the place'. I found that really therapeutic!
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Thank you all for your messages and I appreciate you @GreySock for sharing your own experience. I struggled through the holidays but it wasn't as bad as it could have been, and time breezed by very quickly so I'm glad it's over now. I read through these some days ago and it helped to know that I wasn't alone, but I waited until I was in a better place mentally and physically to reply. I'm at my girlfriend's house now, but I'd spent the holidays at home where my uncle (who I talked about in a post on here) has been temporarily living. I haven't told anyone about the trauma because since I can't fully remember it, I always doubt myself on whether it happened, and after my other uncle's death in December of 2021, he's the last remaining brother to my mom. The entire family constantly brings it up and clings to him since he's one of the youngest of their siblings, and the longer I spent under the same roof the harder it became to believe myself.
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'the harder it became to believe myself.' I can relate to that. When I was younger and talked to what had happened to me to 'normies', I'd get remarks like 'You should write novels/scripts for movies' or even 'You should write scripts for porn movies'. Unfortunately, that means that if people like that have children who are being abused in their neighbourhood, among their pupils or their patients etc. they will fail to notice anything.
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Finally see a therapist on Thursday after they rescheduled me twice. I know the resource is free but I'm kinda scared given how rude and unprofessional the front office staff has been so far. It almost made me not want to go through with going back to therapy but I know I haven't been doing well since my last therapist left.
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Made it back from the not-great weekend but too exhausted to vent about what happened. Any sitters would be very much appreciated while I try to sort through my thoughts.
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My mom is letting a certain source of trauma rent the space they renovated downstairs, and now I have to go home for the weekend to set up for/host a babyshower.
This is gonna be a rough few days -
I made a friend at group therapy and we're going to hang out again today!
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Next week is my last session with my T, I got my cyst drained today, and my brother had another meltdown. Today has been rough, but I'm somehow still managing.
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I'm currently searching for another T because mine will be leaving and I'll be unable to continue with her. Its definitely been rough and I'm not entirely sure how I'll handle starting over since the past 2 years have been pretty bad and she's helped me through a lot of it. On the bright side my wrist is doing a bit better after I had the cyst drained, so hopefully it doesn't come back
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My birthday is coming up and it's another traumaversary as well as close to the anniversary of a death (both from 2020 so very recent). I'm determined to celebrate it but I'm already not feeling too good
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Sending positive vibes. It's never fair that we can identify what should be good and happy days with trauma or even grief of a loved one. Hoping you are able to focus on the good and I'm glad your family is helping.
No truer words will I speak today...I hope you have a happy birthday, Len. I really do.
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I finally signed up for a support group that I've been looking at since January
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Had a really bad and vivid nightmare last night, entirely unprompted. This is exhausting.
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I have a gay bamboo! (A bamboo but I decorated its terrarium with rainbows)
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I finally talked to my T about my ex on Friday, and I spent the weekend with an old friend so I was able to feel okay about it
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Ah nice one @Len523 Glad that talking things through helped and old friends are always a good distraction 💛
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My ex messaged me after about a year and a half, and I have no clue what to say to him. He's asking to be friends again and of course its a hell no because of everything he did but I don't want to sound rude because his message is phrased in a polite way. I still haven't even talked to my therapist about him (we were ironically going to bring it up this week)
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Thank you both ❤️
I've been sitting here for the past two-ish hours stressing out about it but I'm glad I haven't sent anything because I think not responding is in my best interest here. I feel a little less panicked than I was before thankfully so I'll delete it and try to ignore. I have him blocked everywhere except discord (because of a mutual friend group chat and a volunteer group chat) and apparently he tried messaging on those platforms before trying this one..
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I've been having a flare-up of memories from something I haven't thought about in a while but I see my T bi-weekly and the other day we didn't get around to that topic because of other issues. I might try to start a blog or something just so I can get the words out since I'm already on here often, but I'm not sure where to start with what I want to say
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I had a similar experience. Sometimes an hour In T can cover lots of topics, sometimes It can't. Interestingly enough, I feel like I do the most work outside of therapy and that's cool too. I also love that you thought of a blog because writing things down makes everything In your mind a little more "understandable"? If that makes sense...If you like, you can check out my blog for Ideas to get you started (only If you feel like It). Anyways, good luck!
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Perhaps start by throwing some words on a WORD document or scribbling notes on a piece of paper. The good thing about wherever you do start...nobody here will judge. Most of us get it, too. I think we've all had too many emotions, not enough writing clarity. It can be a relief tho, just to get some of it out.
Wishing you luck with this.
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I was able to get through my traumaversary but I got sick and only got like 4 hours of sleep last night. The sick ick is a little better than the trauma ick though so I think that's a win