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AllyHatter

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About AllyHatter

  • Rank
    Bookworm
  • Birthday 06/18/1997

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    Female

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. Feeling brave makes me question why i was ever afraid

  2. AllyHatter

    White Bird

    thank you it will suck but i have my brother and my beautiful gf to get me through it
  3. Thank you @samantha2009 It means the world to me
  4. AllyHatter

    White Bird

    To whom it may concern, I don't believe in signs or superstitions. I don't believe in fate. I believe that thins will happen whether you have your lucky horseshoe or not. One day as I was walking to work I saw this white bird. It was sitting on the power lines with so many pigeons next to it and it was the only white one in the crowd. For a very small moment I thought, "haha who knows maybe this is a sign of good luck. Maybe I'll have a good day." That day was terrible. I thought "Figures. Good luck charms aren't real." It kept happening though. Every few days that bird would show up again. A white light in a sea of darkness. Surrounded by so much black and yet still standing tall right in the middle. An outsider in the group. Every single time I see that bird, my day is terrible. Now at first I figured ah well it's just a bad day but the more I had terrible days the more I realized that bird was there. Every good day, he was gone. I know it sounds silly but I really started to believe he was a bad omen. At first it was just regular bad days. Then my mom called me saying my dad was in the hospital and as I drove to him, I looked up and saw that stupid white bird. I rushed there as quickly as possible. He wasn't doing good. Then he woke u and everything was ok.... He saw the picture of my girlfriend on my phone. He asked who the new guy was....and I couldn't answer him. i couldn't say "SHE is an amazing woman who brings me happiness like I've never known." And I realized why that bird had appeared....Because for the next few hours I had to sit there hiding this amazing woman in shame because I was so afraid of losing the man who raised me. I don't want that anymore. I don't wanna be ashamed of who I am and I don't wanna lie about this beautiful person who makes me laugh and smile on the worst days. I texted my brother. Our conversation went something like this. "Hey bro" "Hey sis" "Sooo....hypothetically, if I was dating a woman and I wanted to tell mom and dad about it, on a scale of 1-10, 1 being they shoot me and 10 being they love and accept me and want to meet her, how do you think they will react?" It took him a long time to respond and all he said was "How long have you two been seeing each other" At this point I was a little offended...I don't know why but it made me feel like I wasn't aloud to be myself unless I had been with her more then a few months? so I said "Not long. But this isn't the first girl I've dated and not the first time I have wanted to tell them....and even if this doesn't work out with her, it's not gonna stop me from being bi. This conversation has been a long time coming and I don't think it should matter how long I've been seeing her. I want her at family dinner and I want her to meet your son and I want her around for a very long time." All he said was "Tell them." I don't know why but I started crying. My brother knows I'm bi. We've never really spoken about it but he knows. We had similar upbringings in the sense that we never fit into the family. We were the same. We both left when we turned 18 and never looked back. We were the problem children. He knew my parents in a way no one else could know. Not even my other siblings. He just said tell them like it was so obvious. Like it wasn't even a question. Like I should feel silly for even thinking of hiding who I am. He accepted me with open arms and told me that no matter what happened, and he was sure it would work out, that he would be there, he would host our own private family dinners, he would be my family and he would love me and he would accept my girlfriend and me no matter what. He didn't have to say it. I knew...I know that sounds so dumb but I knew. He even said at one point that Kayden (His son) could always use more aunties to spoil him rotten and then he said "You know, even if none of us were to accept you, remember, Kayden reveres you. He loves you unconditionally and he is only 3. If a 3 year old can be so accepting and open minded and loving when he's only loved you for those 3 years...then how could the people who have known you for 22 years...since the day you were born....that includes me....not love you. No matter your choices in life, no matter who you are as a person, no matter what trouble you are in I will help you hide the bodies and I will bail you out of jail and I will love you and your girlfriend because I held your hand when you crossed the street, I read you goodnight moon, I counted the stars with you, I loved you from the moment mom and dad brought you home. How could they not? It'd be ridiculous to even think they wouldn't. Remember that" To my brother, thank you for always accepting me. Even if we haven't been a part of each others lives. To whom ever it may concern, thank you for living every day as yourself and being proud of who you are and if you're not...I am. I am so proud of you for getting up in the morning. Maybe that white bird isn't so bad after all. Maybe that white bird was leading me to better days and better decisions. Maybe it was teaching me through hardships...if you believe in that kinda thing 😉 Sincerely yours, Alice.
  5. To whom it may concern, I know I've been giving you guys happy entries these past few days and I am happy and yet my head won't let me be. My dad's still in the hospital. I haven't really spoken much about my dad. So here goes. My dad....hes my hero. He has always been the light in my life that can brighten any day. He reminds me how amazing and strong I am and he doesn't even know what I'm going through. Even though he has never really understood me as a person, I'm still his daughter and he wants me to know how much he loves me every single day...even though I know things would be different if he knew. My dad is probably one of the most religious, racist, homophobic, sexist, men I've ever met. But he's also the man who has taken the shirt off his back and given it to a man on the street to keep him warm... Now we don't have a lot of money but my dad has one out of his way to buy food from his own pocket for the homeless. Not a food bank. Actually bringing them to whatever restaurant they wanted to go to and giving them a meal they haven't had in a long time. He listens to their stories and he feels their pain. No matter who you are. He'll never be a bad person to your face....but behind closed doors....he speaks words of hatred towards many classes of people....certain ones belonging to me. I am bi sexual...and I distinctly remember a day where my father said he wouldn't love me if I was a lesbian. I am a woman, and I remember him saying that woman can't do everything a man can do and shouldn't get payed the same as them either. I remember him throwing holly water on me when I was just having a mental break down. I remember his eyes when he pinned me up against a wall...by my throat....because I wouldn't open my door. Now let me reiterate that my dad is my best friend. We still have daddy daughter dates almost every Tuesday where we go to the movies and binge eat things we shouldn't while watching movies we know nothing about. He still calls me once a week to make sure I'm ok. He still comes to my work and leaves me ridiculous tips cause he wants me to be ok.... My dad is a super hero. He has been in a mining accident....yet he still gets up in the morning and used to swing us around...even with his back injuries.... He has lupus and diabetes and cancer and gout yet he still walks 10 km with my mom every morning because he knows that she will go to work and he won't get to see her all day.... He still laughs and smiles and loves and tries and he may be a little messed up but he's a good man. Despite the hardships he's been through in life he is still such....a good man. But I can't tell him. I can't tell him I was raped because I know he's sexist and he will say something like....you should've known better....you shouldn't have disobeyed us. I can't tell him I am dating this beautiful woman because he's already going through so much and smiling....I don't think he could smile through his baby girl going against one of his core beliefs..... I can't.... He deserves better then me. I'm sorry dad. I was never the daughter you deserved... But I loved you with every fiber of my being He's in the hospital still. He was getting some tumors taken out with a high chance of remission....but they found more....I wanna tell him....I wanna tell him everything he's my whole world but...I don't wanna lose him..not when I might actually lose him...so soon. I think I would rather he die....knowing I was still his little girl then thinking I had betrayed him in some way. I don't know... Sincerely yours, Alice.
  6. To whom it may concern, I woke up next to the most amazing woman. She makes me smile like I've never smiled and laugh like I've never heard a dad joke before! I told her I love her.... Or at least that I could love her. Now I've only known her a short time but have you ever felt like....the whole world just got brighter? Now I know I've said that before but I feel like I have been looking through tinted glasses my entire life and now I can see clearly. Like all the love and acceptance I've been shown by her....is something I should have felt from the ones who are closest to me and yet she's the only one to have shown me. I know it sounds silly but the second I met her, I knew, my depression will never go away, but with her by my side...I have a realization that thins aren't so bad...cause I have her. Sincerely yours, Alice.
  7. To whom it may concern, She picked me up from work and we went to Timmies. I bought us coffee and we spent another night just talking and laughing and listening to music and talking too loud. I was so scared she'd never try to kiss me, and when I reached for her hand, I knew I had to try because that hand in mine just made everything feel...empty without her. I know, I know! Big feels for such a short amount of time but I mean...she really did make me feel like...I can conquer the world with 1 hand behind my back as long as the other one is holding hers. Anyways, I made my move (good lord this isn't battleship!) and time stopped. Just for a moment....but I swear to you guys it did. Everything felt brighter all of a sudden. In the middle of the night, at 2 am, it was the brightest the world had ever been. and she grabbed onto me and she didn't let go. We even went back to her place and just...layed down. She didn't fully understand why I can't be touched sometimes....but she knew that I would come to her when I was ready and it meant so much to me. She has been waiting and I have been hesitant and I will be hesitant probably for a long time and yet she still smiles and listens to me talk nonsense for hours and runs her finger from my forehead to the tip of my nose....to make me feel at ease....some how she knew that would make me fell ok...calm me down.... Sincerely yours, Alice.
  8. To whom it may concern, So, I know it's been quite a while but I just needed a place to talk about this because well...I haven't told my family I am bi sexual. Now, my friends know but those are very limited...and I need somewhere I can let go and just talk about her. She works across the parking lot of my work. I see her all the time. She comes in for energy drinks and she says a quick hi and maybe a few conversations here and there, nothing special. They were drinking at her work after close and invited me. I went to say bye and when I saw her....she was just so glad to see me and wanted me to stay. I got scared that I was actually interested in someone and that she seemed to like me too. So I didn't drink. The next night though, I worked up the courage to bring her an energy drink and then stay after work to have a beer. We spent...all night together in that bar and i do mean all night because she had keys so when everyone left me and her just kept talking and laughing and talking about everything under the sun. I felt at peace talking to her. I felt like I had missed her when I had never really known her. It was probably the alcohol but talking to her all night, I told her so much and I wasn't afraid to. She made me feel safe. I am going to work with her on Tuesday so wish me luck! I hope I don't screw it up... Sincerely yours, Alice.
  9. AllyHatter

    "Demons"

    Hey...I know we haven't talked in a while but I wondered how you'd been...The fact you went through this and I wasn't there for you really bothers me. Reach out if you ever need to talk. You know my number.
  10. AllyHatter

    Bad day?

    Thank you Mai. It truly is appreciated
  11. AllyHatter

    Bad day?

    To whom it may concern, Today, I feel...weird. I don't really feel like its been a bad day. Somehow, I just went through the motions without really realizing what I was doing today. I just kinda snapped into it a few moments ago when I started writing. Seems like I may have been having a few of these days lately but I haven't really realized it 'till now. I know I went to work. I know I smiled and made jokes like I always do. I know I went for a smoke at lunch but I feel like these are someone else's memories. Like I wasn't the one who did those things. I kinda feel like someone else has been controlling my body today. I don't know how I feel. I guess I'm a little empty right now. I don't know if I had a good day or a bad day. I know that hearing from Connor today made me smile. I know that getting a promotion at work made me smile. I know that I felt okay all day yet right now I don't feel like I did any of those things... Anyone else have this feeling? I don't know if I'm grateful I didn't have to deal with today or if I'm scared that I've completely disassociated with reality. I wanna be in my little dream world but then coming back and realizing I could have lived a good day kinda scares me. What if reality isn't so bad and now that things are finally looking up, I'm not there to live it. I guess it really is all or nothing eh? Either you disassociate and miss out on the bad...and the good or you live through the bad but get to experience the beautiful wonders of this world. I guess I don't really know how to live in this world anymore. But I will do better. I will start taking the bad with the good. I will not dissapear and let someone else live my life for me. Today's the day I take control again. I have to....or I'll just wither away and I might miss out on the smiles I get to experience with Connor...my sister...my friends...my family...what if I miss out on a life with them? I don't wanna lose the chance to experience my little sister's graduation from medical school or my nephew's first day of school or my first date with Connor. I want to live this life....whether it has some sad parts in it or not...at the end of the day...it's my life and I have to accept that and live it. Sincerely yours, Alice.
  12. To whom it may concern, It's mother's day and my mom has been an issue I have stayed away from for quite a while but I think I'm ready to talk about it. I wish it wasn't a issue but sadly it is so here goes. I have a mother. She is not exactly a mom. I wish she could be but she isn't exactly what you would call motherly. I was never able to tell her about my rape. I still couldn't tell her. A few stories for context. My earliest memory about feeling insecure was when I was about 10. My mother got me into acting very early in my life. Put all the money into a college fund for me. Very nice but anyways! We were about to leave for an audition. She used to take pictures of me before every audition. Before taking the picture she said "Suck in your stomach! Remember, you always need to hold in your stomach. You always want to look your best. You don't want them thinking you're fat do you?" I was 10. I had no idea what body image even meant and yet here was my mother telling me that to be accepted in this world I had to hold it in. From then on my memories of her are usually involving some kind of quip about me gaining weight or withholding food from me or implying something rude about me. When I was about 15, I got boobs and thicker thighs and really grew into my body. I got stretch marks. At first, I saw this as normal. I was proud! I mean these marks that my mother had, my idols had, and all of my friends had were finally on me too. It meant I was finally becoming a woman. My mother bought me this oil to make them go away. When I asked her why she told me I had stretch marks because I was getting fat. I needed to hide them. I needed to eat less. I needed to be beautiful. I still don't wear shorts or take off my bra in front of guys because those words are so ingrained in my memory. Around the same time, I was being bullied at school. Called a w**re, a sl*t, because my...assets....had grown exponentially over the summer. I went from no boobs to DD's in a few months and my clothes didn't exactly fit right and at the same time I had a lot of friends who were male. They were friends I had known my whole life and the only people I felt safe around. I called my older brother one night crying, I needed to tell an adult but I wasn't going to tell my mother...I thought he would understand. He went through certain tribulations with my mother as well but he was trying to be a responsible adult (he's quite a bit older then me) and he called her...told her about the situation. My mother stopped me one day, decided to ask me about it...me being naive and wanting to finally open up to the woman who was raising me, I was excited! I thought, FINALLY! I have a mom! I can open up to her, tell her the truth! Maybe she will help me... Her advice to me...after my hour long explanation and crying...was that I should stop wearing short shorts and maybe stop sleeping around and then maybe people wouldn't say those things. Before I could even respond, she said rumors don't start without validity. I should remember to be more conservative and maybe people will like me. The older I got the more I hated myself. She brushed off my outbursts of anger towards her as being immature and undeserving. She hadn't done anything wrong! She was just giving me advice. She never explicitly called me fat...or a w**re...or a piece of trash...but her words implied it and that hurts just as bad. I remember I had gained a bit of weight throughout the years. I was about 17. I had a great day at work and had even been hit on! Twice! I didn't plan on doing anything about it but I still felt a little better about myself! I got home and my mother told me I should stop wearing my overall shorts because they made me look fatter then I was...I decided to retort and maybe shut her up by saying that maybe guys liked bigger girls cause I had been hit on twice that day by two different guys. She got me though by reminding me that they didn't really think I was pretty...they just knew bigger girls are easier. She always blamed me. She still does. She reminds me every day that she had my baby sister when I was 3 because she knew early on I wasn't going to be good enough. I may not look like her, I may not act like her, I may not have the same interests or opinions as her but believe me...I am good enough. Maybe you guys can understand why I wouldn't wanna divulge my rape to her and if not here's one last good story for all those victims who have ever felt low and had someone push them down lower. I was watching Law and order: Special victims unit. I like that show...I like seeing those who hurt others get the justice they deserve...I like hearing the kind words of Olivia Benson telling those victims that it will be okay and there is more in life... My mother was sitting watching as well. In the courthouse on the show, the defense attorney asked the victim what she was wearing, how drunk she was and I was mad. I let out a comment about not blaming the victim. That it didn't matter what she wore or what she drank, that he had stolen something from her that no one could ever replace and that no one ever deserves that regardless of their attire. She said "It does matter. She should have been smarter. She was asking for it. If you put on clothes like that and you drink like that then you are asking for someone to take you home and whether you say yes or no doesn't matter in that situation. The detective said it herself! She was too drunk to consent. Meaning she was also too drunk to refuse. So he did nothing wrong." I couldn't believe the words coming from my mother. The woman I once revered. I felt like she was talking about me...about how it was my fault I had been raped. Whether she knew I was raped or not didn't matter. She had said those words and she meant it. She had judged me for what clothes I wore, for my weight, for the lack of makeup I put on my face, for the people I spoke to and for the things people said about me but nothing hurt more then hearing those words. The day after I turned 18, I left home. Without a goodbye. Without an I love you. I don't regret it. I still speak to my parents. I still speak to my siblings. I go and visit my 2 brothers, my little sister and my father regularly...but I can't stay in a room with my mother for more then an hour because she is a scornful and hurtful woman. I try. I do. I love her. I still take her opinion of me to heart but it's not healthy for me to stand there and take that kind of abuse from the people I love. It's affected relationships! I've brought one guy over once. He stood up and left. He couldn't sit there quiet while my mother and the rest of my family sat there and told me how I was worthless. I was no good. I was damaged. They don't even know who I really am. They don't know I'm bi. They are unaware of my rape. They don't meet the people I date. And yet, they still judge me for things that I have no control over! The smallest things. It hurts me. My mom is the worst. She is the influence that creates these comments from my sister and my youngest brother (still older then me). My father may have his own opinions that I don't agree with but he doesn't direct those opinions at me. My mother judges me in ways that I could never explain fully. It kills me inside. So happy mother's day to every woman who loves their child. To every mom who would hurt anyone who ever made their kid cry. To every mom who would defend their child even if they had done something regrettable. You are the woman I wish I had growing up...maybe I would have been able to become strong with you instead of in spite of her. I love my mother. I always will. But I never had a mom. She gave birth to me. She pushed me but she never helped me. She never inspired me. She never believed in me. She pushed me down, she demeaned me, she made me feel like...if my mother doesn't want me...who ever will. Sincerely yours, Alice.
  13. To whom it may concern, I'm not sure what I want to write today... I just know that writing somehow gives me a sense of peace. I like to just write random words at time. No sense to them. Sometimes it's just a jumble of words on a piece of paper, no real place, no real meaning. I used to draw a lot to calm myself. I stopped. I realized as I got older that I was no longer drawing things to calm me...I was angry. I would start drawing a flower and then all my pain and anger would come out and the drawing would just become a giant black void. I didn't like the way it made me feel anymore. Writing makes me feel like my words are safe. My thoughts are safe. But that's changed recently as well. I lived in a house with a terrible roommate. He was a misogynistic, womanizing prick. At first things were fine...then he just showed his true colors. I write letters to myself. I've done it since I was a little kid....so around 12 years old. I write a letter about my days and my feelings, my relationships and my fears, my hopes and dreams. I seal them in an envelope and I put them away in a box. Well...it's become a few boxes seeing as there's over 300 letters. I wanted to be able to write to someone who I knew would understand exactly what I went through and how I felt. I wanted to reassure my future self as well...so that if my dreams had not come true...they still could someday because they would never be forgotten as long as they were written in these letters. One of those letters obviously held a detailed description of my rape...every feeling...every pain...every moment I could possibly remember...and all the aftermath. The kind of stuff I would never ever ever ever tell anyone about. It was hard enough simply writing it to a future version of myself. I know you probably see where this is going...I left them out one day...21 letters. He tore open and read 21 letters. 21 letters about my depression, my ups and downs, my personal thoughts and feelings. I'm not gonna lie to you....I felt worse then when I was raped. When I was raped, he took my body. I convinced myself that he wouldn't take my soul, my thoughts, my dignity. Those were mine and no one could ever take them away from me...I sealed all of my thoughts into stupid little envelopes...easily ripped...easily read...it was so dumb of me...and when I came home and saw my letters...opened, torn open like they were nothing but a good laugh...I snapped. I was angry...sure...but I snapped...in a different way. I felt like someone had reached into my chest and had ripped out my lungs. I felt like I was gonna die. 21. That is not a small number. That means he opened one, read through all the horrible, agonizing, painful, dreadful things I was feeling....had a laugh....and opened another one...and another on and another one and another one and another one. TWENTY ONE FUCKING LETTERS... And if you were wondering...yes he did open the one with a detailed account of my rape. HE READ THAT! Even as I'm writing this, I am so broken inside. I no longer feel numb, I feel violated in a way that even my rapist couldn't accomplish...and the best part out of all of this is he stole 3 of them. 3 letters were missing and when my other roommate (really good person) found out, he tried to kinda see if the guy still had them...he did. In fact, when my other roommate asked him about my letters, he laughed, grabbed the letters he had, ripped em up into a plate and set fire to them. I haven't wrote myself a letter since. I think today I might. I've never actually wrote about this safe haven. I'd like to remind my future self that there was a place I could be a little more open with my thoughts...and no one was there to tear them up and set fire to them... Sincerely yours, Alice.
  14. To whom it may concern, I don't get it. I mean I really don't get it. I'm a very quiet person. I don't stand out unless I feel comfortable. I do not wear provocative clothing cause I don't like eyes on me. I wear my glasses and hide behind my hair and yet still, it never stops. Why do certain people feel the need to make me feel so small and uncomfortable. I am working at a factory. I love this job. I actually kinda feel comfortable there and have a few friends who make me laugh. We were full coverage uniforms so you couldn't see anything interesting even if you tried your best to picture me naked. Point is, somehow, I've managed to attract the attention of a man who is in no way a good match so to speak. He's like 10 years older then me, he's so unsettling when he stands right behind me. He tries to make conversation and I'm always happy to but just certain things he says...and my friend is trying to help me avoid him seeing as there have been many a sexual harassment claim against him. I just wanna feel safe and I can't even feel safe at work. More so there's now a lady in HR who is harassing me. Not sexually but kinda...I don't know how to explain this. Point is, she has called me over 4 times now. My uniform used to be a medium and that's super duper except I have....large...breasts. Point is, the top button of my shirt was undone. Not suppose to be. The first time she stops me I say "Oh I'm so sorry I will do it up." the second time she stops me...it's not even undone but she claims it had been...so I say "Oh I'm sorry I'll wear a shirt underneath just in case" I start wearing t-shirts under my uniform and get a large uniform shirt. The third time, I was annoyed. I was late for work, my supervisor was about to start morning meeting and I had to get going to I look at my button say "It's buttoned and if it's not then sorry. Big boobs." Now in hindsight, I probably shouldn't of said that. It was a little passive-aggressive. But when my employer calls me at lunch break and asks me to meet them in their office, I thought nothing of it. Conversation went a little something like this... Me: "Hey there employer (not gonna use names so EM is the go to) How are you? EM: "Hey Alice, so bit*h called us again complaining about your button at morning meeting. The thing is we know your button was done up cause we were at morning meeting so bit*h has nothing to complain about." Me: "I don't know how to please her but I'm really starting to get annoyed. This is ridiculous. I see hundred of people with their button undone. Why is bit*h picking on me?" EM: "Probably cause she's jealous of your boobs" Me: " *HISTERICAL LAUGHTER* " EM: "I'll have a talk with her just...I don't know...wear a safety pin and like make it super obvious so she knows how fucking ridiculous she's being." I mean seriously? A safety pin? For what! Even if I pushed up my tits, took that one button off and bent over, you still couldn't see my boobs. So why am I being singled out like this. Of all things, I mean I always thought HR would be there to protect me not shame me. It's really embarrassing when I get pulled aside going in to work by HR, in front of ALL of my coworkers and get a nice little speech about putting my button back on. It's gotten so ridiculous, it's now become an ongoing joke. People will walk by me and take the one button off and laugh! I just wanna go to work, have an ok day and then go home. That's it... Sincerely yours, Alice.
  15. Hi, I know it's hard. I know some days getting out of bed is the battle you face and it takes everything you have...yet no one realizes the struggle you have inside. No one appreciates the small victories you have every day. I'm not saying I have anything good to tell you or any advice...I go through similar things. every day. But, if you ever wanna chat, vent, appreciate the small victories...Message me. Alice.
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