Jump to content


  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Ardatha

  • Rank
    Ardatha's Shadow Monster
  • Birthday 09/29/1952

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    Third Rock From The Sun
  • Interests
    I have been obsessed with horses since I was very, very young. One of my earliest memories is of sitting on a horse, looking down at my father and being terrified and delighted at the same time. During the years of my abuse I found them to be loyal, caring, gentle, and valiant friends when there were none to be found elsewhere. Since meeting and marrying my current husband I have found that I am less obsessed with them now, leading me to believe I have finally found what it was I was needing all those years when I depended on my equine friends for love and support. :) I still love horses and probably always will but the obsession is gone. <br /><br />Other interests are more mundane - my family, art, computer graphic art, writing poetry, reading copious amounts of books, sewing, and crafts. I love to swim and spend as much time at the pool as I can every summer. Unfotunately, due to a seriously messed up back - due no doubt to years of not caring if I hurt myself while riding crazy horses and motorcycles - I no am no longer able to do the physically demanding things I used to love to do, such as bicycle riding, running, bowling, dirt bike riding, ATV's, fishing, and rattlesnake hunting. (Too hard on my back to jump out of the way anymore! LOL)

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType

Contact Methods

  • AIM
  • Website URL
  • ICQ
  • Yahoo

Recent Profile Visitors

611 profile views
  1. Invision is in the process of switching servers so that could be why the problems. Our forum is on Invision's servers and was down last night through this morning for the move. Hopefully they are all done with that now and functioning fully.
  2. Have you downloaded and installed the latest version of java? They just came out with a new one. Also what operating system are you using? I've found Windoze Vista does not like java. Had to switch to Firefox for chatting. Luck!
  3. Yes, unfortunately, the view count is very misleading. Every time that topic is looked at, it's considered a 'view.' If you go back to check replies your 'view' is counted too. If someone else reads then doesn't reply but maybe goes back to check for others' replies, that's more views. Add to that anyone who has replied going back to check the replies and it mounts quickly. And some people get more from reading our posts and have nothing to reply with. If we could look at it the way Todlyn does, maybe it would be better for us. Not everyone who reads a post has the time or might not be in a place to respond. Besides, if everyone who viewed wrote a reply do you know how long it would take to get through this forum each day??? LOL We'd all do nothing but read posts and reply every single day. The world would come to a grinding halt! I hope you're able to take a step back and not take the view count personally. I'm like you in that I think it's unneccesary and wish there was a way to disable it. Especially on a support forum like this because it can and does engender negative feelings. Meg :outahere:
  4. Generally when you change your avatar but still see the old one, just click on the refresh button. IE stores these things on your computer as cookes, true, but you don't need to remove them to fix the problem. (I have many cookies with logon information on my computer and clearing the cookies gets rid of all the information.) Also, if you know someone has changed their avatar but you're still seeing the old one, click on the refresh button and you should then see the new one. That will swap out the avatar photo in the cookie file... much like updating. Meg :outahere:
  5. When you are typing a post online, typically the server or website will record that as no activity. If you've set your browser to disconnect after a certain amount of time of inactivity, it will consider posts that take longer to finish as inactivity. Also, it could be a setting your server has. Or even the forum software. I know if I am typing a post on our forum, which is also Invision, and go too long it will treat it as if I've been idle the whole time. I hope you find out what the problem is. Gentle cyberhugs.
  6. You might need to set your browser to accept cookies. That's how the "remember me" works.
  7. Hun, we are all products of our environments, shaped by the people we've encountered and interacted with so there really is no true relationship between just 2 people. No disrespect intended at all, honestly, but it's been my experience that the more scientific degrees a person has, the less clue they have about people's hearts. People are not experiments to be solved with logic. We are the product of our environments and there are no two alike because our experiences are filtered through our minds, tempered by our unique personalities, for lack of a better word. Remember what I said about you can't "fix it?" Even though she says she's forgiven the guy she still has to process what happened to her. This takes some time, each person recovering at his or her own rate. Recovery does happen so take heart in that. However, she is the one responsible for her healing and you can't make it happen. What you can do is to help her in any way you can which may mean being a lot more tolerant of what she's going through right now. Your reactions can have a big impact on how she's feeling and how she progresses through it. I do have a concrete suggestion for you though. Remember those books I mentioned? It could be very helpful for you to read them as well as good books written just for secondary survivors. I can't think of any of those right off the top of my head but I know there are several out there. You could google for them though. They, more than anything else, will give you great information, if nothing else, about what she's going through and how you can most effectively help. My husband is a secondary survivor and, in the early years, went through a lot of my healing. How we survived is a minor miracle to me. He is very patient, kind, loving, and nurturing which I believe are the qualities that allowed him to stick with me through the worst of it. He'd tell you it's definitely worth it, though. I'm not sure I'd agree because in the end he's "stuck" with me. What he did was hold me when I cried, listened to me when I vented, and gave me the space I needed when I needed it. He's been my anchor through it all and I am so glad he was there. I know it's hard to hear advice that seems so contradictory and inconsistent, but there really is no hard and fast rule for loving and being there for a survivor. Maybe loving like it's described in 1st Corinthians is the way to go, especially the kind and patient part. Best of luck to you and your lady. If you can't get her to go to therapy, then read the books. Meg :outahere:
  8. Might possible trigger so be safe when you read it. Hopefully it won't but just in case... A few suggestions for you have come to mind. It's quite common for survivors of SA to feel dirty, shamed, damaged, broken, and worthless, which is why it's so difficult for them to speak about what happened. They're afraid that in the eyes of others they'll seem to be nothing more than trash. Frequently, they will even blame themselves and feel guilty. All of these negative inner thoughts make it just that much harder to talk about to anyone, but especially someone we love. That's the last person you want to show your rotten inner core to. If you've ever done anything incredibly "stupid," like putting the ice cream in the refrigerator and discovering it 8 hours later, then you have possibly felt just an iota, a smidgeon, an infitesimal amount of chagrin, dismay, self revulsion, and self loathing that a survivor feels on a daily basis. But survivors feel these things intensely for every second of their waking hours and most often during their sleep too... ie nightmares. Try to be understanding when she can't talk about these things. Not understanding as in you understand but as in it's understandable that she feels this way because it's pretty much what every one of us have gone through or are going through. The second thing is that you can't "fix" it. Or her. It seems to be a pretty typical reaction of loving partners that they want to destroy the subhuman who did this to their loved one, but that's not really going to help matters much. What she needs more than that is acceptance. Accept that you aren't supposed to fix anything but also let her know you are always going to be there when she needs you. Reassuring her that no matter what happened to her, you will always love her because things that happen to her are not her fault, nor is she responsible for them. Hold her when she cries but give her space when she needs it. Sounds confusing as hell, I know, but it's what is needed to give her a healthy "space" to heal. And, as others have said, don't neglect yourself. If you feel angry about what happened that's perfectly normal and okay. You can even tell her how you feel about what happened to her as long as you make it very clear that you don't feel any anger towards her. And please don't feel any anger towards her. She's dealing with a boatload of aftermath, and needs all the gentle, patient love you can give her. You might also find it beneficial to let her know whenever you're feeling negative emotions that she is not the cause of them... in relation to her SA I mean. If you're having other problems or issues, then you're on your own. And, of course, there's therapy. If she won't go then perhaps you can suggest some reading material that others may suggest here. Courage to Heal is one of the best and I also like Women Who Love Too Much, but that's my personal thing. It does have good information in it but may not be pertinent to her situation. Sorry to make this so long but you did ask. Take gentle care of yourself and your sweet lady. Meg :outahere:
  9. Down the railroad tracks from where we lived was an apple orchard with the best apples in the world on those trees. We would usually saunter down there for an apple snack several times a week, and the owner didn't seem to mind as there were a lot of trees and only a few of us. And we were never greedy. Then one afternoon, sitting in the apple trees, enjoying an apple we realized there was an addition to the orchard. His bull. Oops. I guess he got tired of us filching the apples after all! LOL We sat there a good long time waiting for that bull to leave. And that was probably our last trip to the orchard! LOL Did you know that bulls get a little annoyed when you throw apples at them? Meg :outahere:
  10. How weird is that, at the time these memories came from we were living very close to the Bradwell Nuclear Power Station, we used to ride the ponies down by there .. BTW ... I haven't seen any glowing lights yet Meg so I think you may have got away with it .. Oh, how funny is that? We couldn't get horses across the fence but the bare ground made for some great softball! LOL I have a music one, too, today. It's more recent but it's a song that never fails to put a smile on my face and get my toes to tapping. It's by Garth Brooks and it's called "It's Midnight, Cinderella" Everything about that song is upbeat and has me giggling before it's over... especially "by the way he's walking we can guess where your slipper's at..." LOL Meg :outahere:
  11. hahahahahahahahahaha!!! Are you sure it wasn't all the kids in the neighborhood that contributed??? LOL Speaking of fun places to play... for many years my grandparents lived near Humboldt Bay Nuclear Power Plant. We kids would sneak over their fence to play in this really neat bare field where virtually nothing ever grew. The power company guards would run us out every time the found us in there. Many years later I learned that was the dumping grounds for the nuclear waste. No wonder not much grew there. I suppose I should go check in the mirror to see if I'm glowing in the dark yet! Meg :outahere:
  12. ROFL Ihavemadeit!!! You reminded me of the horse poo fights we used to have! You start out with the really dry ones that don't have much smell left to them anymore and as feelings become angrier you start looking for the ploppier ones! Hmmm... and they say country kids can't have any fun! LOL (laughing hysterically) We got really creative with horse poo as we were growing up!!! Meg :outahere:
  13. ((((Mami)))) Welcome to AS, dear one. I hope you find solace and safe haven here, as so many have in the past. Meg :outahere:
  14. LOL My first love was horses, too! In fact I think my earliest memory is of being on my aunt's horse. I know I was less than a year and a half old because that's when we moved to Alaska. This would have been before then as my aunt lived in California, where I was born and lived the first year and a half of my life. I was sitting in the saddle, with my father beside the horse, holding onto me in case I should fall. I was both thrilled and terrified. Although I was terrified of being up so high, I was delighted to be sitting on a horse. Evidently, I have truly loved them "all of my life." LOL Maybe someday I'll post a memory about my favorite horse. He was my 'wings.' And an angel, to boot. I still miss him and it's been over 20 years. (sigh) Meg :outahere:
  • Create New...