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Secondary Survivors
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    Supporter or secondary survivor
  1. Ardatha, don’t apologize for the length, I really appreciate all the help, and from you others as well, thank you very much. I have several degrees in the sciences, so I’m used to problem solving and procedures, i.e. “I need to do this, then this, and then if I do that, everything will be alright.” But I’m really beginning to understand that this is not the case. I just wish there was more I could do than just generally being there for her. I don’t feel a great deal of anger towards what happened, things happen to everyone in their lives that they need to come to terms with. I don’t feel a great deal of anger toward her assaulter. He was probably going through a lot of his own problems at the time, which caused him to treat her like he did. She has forgiven him, who am I to take issue? I think what I’m most angry about is that this man from her past is interfering with the way we interact as a couple. I think that a relationship should be between 2 people, and it doesn’t seem right to have this other guy floating around affecting everything we do. I understand that this is not her fault at all and I have never blamed her for it, but it is still very frustrating.
  2. I apologize for the confusion, I am a man and if "secondary survivor" means that I'm in a relationship with someone who was abused than that's what I am as well. If not sure where I would go to fix this information, but I noticed today that today it said "group: secondary survivors" next to my name. Perhaps it has worked itself out? I had just registered yesterday, perhaps it needed time to update. Thank you for your support, and I really appreciate your kind words, but I created an account here because she wasn’t doing such a good job in the guiding and letting me know what I can do for her department. It seems to affect her a great deal but she doesn’t like to admit that and thus hides what she’s going through. I’m feeling very lost, and I don’t really know what to do.
  3. Hello everyone, I’m new here. I myself was never abused but I recently entered a relationship with someone who was raped and abused a few years ago. I’m looking for guidance as to how to be sensitive to that and how to treat her right and in a way that shows her I love her. We had been going out for a while before she told me that she was victimized thusly, and during that time I did many things that I now know (by reading material on this site) to be damaging out of ignorance. These include pressuring her to trust me and to open up to me, and pressuring her about physically intimate situations. I did these things because I interpreted her hesitance as lack of love or lack of seriousness about our relationship. I now know that this is not the case, and I feel terrible about what I have done. Is there any way to reverse the damage I have caused? I told her that I didn’t know and that I was sorry but I’m still worried. Is it something that will be healed with time or will our relationship always be bereft of a physical component? If it’s something that is possible to work through, is it something I need to leave alone until she deals with it on her own? Or can I help her at all? If so, how? If it is something that is possible to work through, I understand that it will take a long time, and I am patient enough of a man and I love her enough to wait as long as she needs. I just really need to know if and how I can help, and what kind of support I can offer her, any help would be much appreciated.
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