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  1. Yesterday
  2. Looking for Answers

    @whitman Welcome to AS, I am so sorry for the horrible things that have happen to you that has lead you to here, but I am very sure that you will get the answers that you are looking for and meet many people that have been were you are at now, I joined a little bit ago and have found it to be very helpful during my healing process everyone is very nice and supportive here, it is a safe and open space. Again welcome to AS and if their is anything you ever need or you want to talk you can always PM me.
  3. Looking for Answers

    Thank you @pattyr and @MeBeMary . I really appreciate it.
  4. Hey, I’m a newbie

    Hi PTSD_RyujiSakam, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you endured as a child. There is never a reason for this to be right. You have found a very supportive site with many understanding and kind members. You are not alone. Please "lurk" as much as you feel as necessary and jump in when you feel comfortable. I'm glad your friend recommended us and that you have reached out. I wish you the very best on your healing journey. Mary
  5. Looking for Answers

    Hi whitman, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for what you've been thru, but do know that you have found a very supportive site. I understand the feeling lost and before I came across this site, I had felt so alone with what I had gone thru. The members here are truly understanding and kind, but take your time and look around. You will become more comfortable with the site as you go. I wish you the very best on your journey of healing. Mary
  6. New

    Hi Autumngrace, Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for what brings you here, but do know that you have found a very supportive site. You are not alone, because we understand. I wish you the best as you journey down your healing path. Mary
  7. Looking for Answers

    Hello @whitman and welcome to AS. You started, and I am certain you will find some people who have been through some experiences in common with you. I'm sorry you have reasons to be here, and I think you will find you are not alone. I am much older than you, but I was once 17 and had already been through a lot. I'm glad you are getting started on healing. I look forward to seeing you around the boards.
  8. Hey, I’m a newbie

    Hey all! I was recommended to join this site by a friend of mine He’s a survivor as well so I really appreciated it and figured I should make an account I’ve just been lurking through random topics on boards... it’s what I do on a lot of forum sites I come across really haha So, I’m a F/F child on child sexual abuse survivor... I didn’t realize it was abuse until a few months ago in therapy. Unfortunate that I’m in this site regarding my circumstances n all, but what can you do right? I hope I can meet a bunch of nice people on here especially other F/F survivors like me..
  9. Do not call me a survivor

    (((((elisand and fallenstar))))))))), sorry you two can relate but so grateful you responded and made me feel not so alone, sending you thoughts of hope and healing, and of course safe huga, love teleah
  10. Looking for Answers

    I'm completely new to all of this as of this weekend. I'm truly lost as to what to do next. I'm 17 and I have been through a lot before this. I just don't know where to start and want to talk to some people who've been where I am. Thanks.
  11. Last week
  12. New

    Hi and welcome @Autumngrace. I think it's great that your therapist knows about AS and they are hoping it will be helpful to you. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling alone. I do hope that you will find being here a contribution to your healing. It's a good community here of folks who support each other through good and bad moments. I wish you the best
  13. New

    Hello and welcome to AS! I’m sorry for the reasons you are here. Just know you’re not alone here and found a very supportive place where people can relate in their own ways. Take your time and look around say as much or as little as you like. Best wishes on your healing journey. PB
  14. New

    Hi @Autumngrace, welcome! I hope you'll find here what you're looking for, we surely do the best we can to help each others, to listen and be supportive I'm sorry for what brought you here, but I'm also happy and proud of you for trying to heal and reaching out
  15. New

    Hello everyone. My therapist told me about this site so here I am. I’ve been feeling very alone lately because nobody I know in person can relate to what I’ve been through. Hoping this will help and I’d love to make friends through this and we can help each other heal 😊😊
  16. Too Close

    I had to fly recently, which I hate but it wasn't until I was on the plane when I realized the main problem. I would have a layover in a state that I had never been to but my abuser lived in. I knew that it wouldn't happen, but even the .0001% chance was too much for me. I wanted to leave as soon as we could and never come back to this place. Being close was too much, it feels ridiculous that just being in the same state as him again was enough to send me spiraling but it was. I was a wreck, and I couldn't tell anyone. I was traveling with a group, a group who doesn't know my story other than that I was passionate about domestic violence and sexual assault laws, they never knew why. Later in the trip, there was a party we attended, it was crowded loud and out of control. I stuck to the edges and stayed out of the action. I am not claustrophobic just scared of being too close to someone. I didn't use to be this way, I used to love to be near people, to be in a close circle with people. But that idea is too much most days. Some days I have a good day and I am in the right place to be close, but more often than not I am not. I feel broken, brushing people off and getting angry when they don't understand. I know its not their fault. It's not theirs, or mine Or at least that's what they keep saying. Everyone always tries to reassure me by telling me it isn't my fault but that isn't the problem, the problem is I still feel scared and unsafe to the point I push people away. Everything feels too close, too close.
  17. I'm new

    Hi Jessica, Welcome to AS, I am so sorry to hear about what you went through three years ago it is a horrible and terrible thing that you shouldn't have had to experience, I hope that you can take great comfort in knowing that this is a safe and open place and everyone is very supportive here, it has helped me a great deal in my healing process alone. I wish you the best in yours, and if you need anything you can always message me, im sitting with you and sending safe hugs your way if that's okay.
  18. II

    I have a job, that's good. I'm grateful but I feel restless and like I'm "supposed" to be achieving so much more than I am. I feel like my anxiety has vastly improved. I feel like I'm a different person than I was a year ago but then there are the moments where the anxiety overtakes me and the negative self-talk overwhelms me and I feel like I'm back to where I started: feeling utterly and completely hopeless and useless. I'm back in CA, where I belong, I suppose. I've always felt like I feel more at home here than any other place I've been. Maybe it's just that there are so many familiar people. My life is about to change a lot soon. If I can manage to push pass the intense anxiety at even the idea of applying for community college, I'll be starting school in Spring. If I'm able to get any financial aid. And that depends on if my ex gets our divorce finalized next month the way he's supposed to so that I can use my parent's tax information because I'm a dependent. I hardly make any money and couldn't possibly make it living on my own let alone pay for college. I can't even pay my bills. I feel like I have things much more together than I used to but some parts of life are still a mess. I'm still engaging in some sort of weird non-relationship with J. He calls me his best friend but it's more than that. Right? Best friends don't typically sleep together and kiss and hold hands and tell each other they're in love. Despite the fact that I haven't seen my ex or really spoken to him in...wow...a long time...J insists he can't be with me until my divorce is finalized. Which I totally understand, I just wish it hadn't taken so long for me to get it taken care of. Thank my anxiety for that, always putting uncomfortable things off until the last minute because it stresses me out to even think about them. But I have the suspicion that even after the papers go through and I'm officially single it won't make a difference. Part of me is convinced that we won't ever be together. That maybe we don't belong together. He seems so great but then I really start to think about things and I wonder if this is healthy. If he's right for me. I finally feel like I deserve quite a bit in the romance category, I'm not as self-conscious as before and have a much better sense of my worth. There are a lot of things I could type out here about his temper and his lack of communication skills and how terribly frustrating it is for me to feel like he doesn't tell me anything (despite the fact that he repeatedly tells me that he feels such a strong connection with me and wants to tell me everything and I'm his best friend). One of the biggest things I think about is when I was living with him last year, before the break up, I got a UTI. The worst UTI I've ever gotten in my entire life, I was in so much pain I couldn't even stand up straight and walk and I had a horrible fever. I told him I needed to go to an urgent care because I couldn't take the pain, it was terrible. I wasn't crying or anything, I can buck up quite a bit in the face of physical pain (usually). I wasn't working at the time and he was getting ready to leave for work. I half expected him to offer to drive me to the clinic but he didn't. He didn't even really come over and comfort me or say much....at all. I ended up telling him I was going to take a Lyft to the clinic so I could get some medication to clear it up and he still didn't offer to take me...I was too embarrassed to ask him to come at that point even though I was anxious as hell to go to urgent care and I hate doctors and had never felt this sort of intense pain before so I was just all around scared in general and could have used him there for support. But I said nothing and he didn't seem very worried at all. So I grabbed a water bottle and waited for my car to pick me up and he gave me a kiss and told me to let him know what happened. That's it. I had to ride in a Lyft to Urgent Care in intense pain, alone. And wait to be seen by a nurse for about an hour and a half, alone. Still in pain and still terrified and anxious. Later, he called me and gave me a half-hearted apology: "I should have taken you." I'm still hurt by this, isn't that strange? There's nothing like being in pain and your boyfriend let's you take a car service to the clinic without comforting you for you to feel like he doesn't give a crap about your pain or you. Yet, I still go see him. Still consider him my best friend. Still miss him and love him and hope he means it when he says he feels the same. I wish I could read minds sometimes. This post was just a rant about my "relationship" (friends with benefits sounds so....blegh). But this is what this blog is for. For me to spill my guts out since I have nowhere else to turn to and no real friends to speak of. Besides J. But it would be a little strange for me to rant about him to him, wouldn't it.
  19. I'm new

    Hi Jessica, welcome to AS. Sorry for what you went through 3 years ago its hard when friends and loved ones weigh in on it and make it worse. I too went through a time of trying to ignore what had happened it worked for a while and it was so scary to finally talk about it and hard to finally seek support. AS is a wonderful place full of supportive and caring people great advice a place to vent cry and truely heal. Its brave to share what you shared here and a huge step in the right direction. Anniversaries are hard so I hope I'm not to late to offer a safe hug if its ok and some support to help you through. Looking forward to seeing you grow and heal with us here.
  20. We are bursting through the barricades
    And reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
    Yeah, that's what we've become

    1. teleah


      I won't  let them bring me down again,,love this song is so powerful

  21. About two months ago, I remembered what happened to me...what happened, happened 11+ years ago. I was sexually assaulted by a close friend. Now I am just trying to learn how to cope with it, and get better. At first, I had nightmares 3 to 4 times a week. There was a time when I was afraid to go to sleep because I didn't want to relive what happened to me. The nights when I have a nightmare, I wouldn't sleep well. I was anxious and depressed all day. I had to hold back the tears at work, it was draining pretending like nothing was going on. I sleep a lot because I get so tired from doing the simplest things. It's so frustrating, I hate being so tired all the time. I am still dealing with a great deal of anxiety, it's just not as bad. My therapist thinks it's because I spend so much of my day anxious, and a just crash at the end of the day. Now I only have a nightmare every couple of weeks. I haven't had one in about two weeks. I hope it stays that way...even though I have my doubts... Usually, I am REALLY careful about what I watch, so I am not triggered. My husband even does what he can to read up on shows and movies, or even watch them before I do with him, to make sure I am not going to be triggered and tells me about it. He even fast-forwards through scenes that he knows will trigger me. I am SO thankful that he does that. A few days ago, I had my first flashback...my husband and I were watching a TV show, and a rape scene came up (that he didn't know was coming, he can only do so much). I broke down crying, it felt like I was reliving my assault. I knew I was safe, I knew I wasn't being assaulted again. That didn't stop the emotions from coming in full force, it felt like I was 17 again. LIke I was there, being assaulted again. Ever since then, I have been even more tired than usual. I haven't been able to pull myself out of this funk...I hate it...I hate feeling so broken... It feels like I am taking two steps forward one step back...like I am never going to get better...I hate feeling so broken...
  22. #11 Processing Hurtful Interactions

    thank you AutumnM, it means a lot.
  23. Hello

    Thank you guys. It makes me feel better.
  24. #11 Processing Hurtful Interactions

    I’m sorry Safe hugs if okay?
  25. Do not call me a survivor

    I get it. I have been struggling with being called a survivor, too. Here's hoping all the best for all of us to survive PTSD and all lingering issues that stem from the abuse.
  26. Hello friends. I know that I have been somewhat absent for a little while. My prescence here has declined greatly over the last couple of weeks and for a little while, I was only really responding to PMs and giving posts a quick-read, just to try and keep up. I sincerely hope that while I've been scarce, that everyone's doing as well as they can be doing. While I've been thinking of my friends here while keeping busy offline, the reason for my decreased activity is indeed a good one. There is now a high school graduate in the house! That colicky, fusspot of a little boy that I rocked to sleep every single night for the first several months of his life, has now officially completed the twelfth grade. I do admit to stealing the title of this entry from a shot-glass at the Christmas Tree Shop. But I believe it, completely! It amazes me how much WORK was involved getting him to this point, to get him across this particular milestone. How many times he'd gotten frustrated, how many times he's expressed his hatred toward school. There have been countless projects, book reports, science fairs, visits to the school nurse on the days he'd faked sick because he wanted to go home, (the elementary school nurse and I were on a first-name basis) parent-teacher conferences, two previous graduations (from elementary and junior high) trips, and HOMEWORK. The homework, is of course, in caps simply because I have six more years of homework woes to endure as the Daughter will be entering 7th grade at the end of the summer and through her, it will all continue...she and her brother are SO different, in personality, in movie, music and food tastes, but when it comes to homework, they're the same. BOTH of my children dread it and do the bare minimum - it's the only complaint I've gotten from both of their teachers whenever the time comes for me to visit their schools for parent night. "Your son/daughter is an absolute delight to have in class (I'd make sure at this point they were talking about the right kid) however, he/she is missing x amount of homeworks..." Then the wasband and I would have to remove any and all electronics for x amount of time - one day per homework missed was ideal...this way, while they MADE UP the missed assignment, there would be absolutely no distractions. But for my son, it paid off. My only hope is that he feels the same way - and that as he embarks upon a new journey (college), he sees that all of the hard work he's done up until the present time has been worth it. The big day was Thursday. On the way to the ceremony, I looked at him while stopped at a red light. He was dressed in his shirt and tie, had on his cap and gown, he looked so damn handsome! "Hey," I nudged him, "I want you to know that I'm so proud of you." "Thanks, Ma." I could tell he was trying not to show his nervousness. He fiddled with his tie, scratched underneath the cap, (those things are itchy) and chewed on his nails. "I also want to apologize in advance for the ugly cry you're probably going to see when you walk across that stage." Then there was that grin I love so much, followed by a light chuckle, "That's okay, Ma!" Surprisingly, the ugly cry happened AFTER the ceremony and tossing of the graduation caps (as well as the frantic relocation of aforementioned cap with attached tassel) when he descended the stairs leading from the school building...carrying in one hand his diploma and using the other to unzip the deep purple gown so he could free himself from the confines of the graduation robe he'd had to wear for the last three hours in a sweltering gymnasium. Twelve years of school (fourteen, if you count pre-school and Kindergarten) finished in the blink of an eye! That brought on the tears and I couldn't hide my emotions long enough. I got a look of horror from the Daughter, who I'm sure, pretended she didn't know me for a full sixty seconds, the usual narrow-eyed wince from Constipa-Face (I expected no less from someone who has not a single sensitive bone in his body) and the "there she goes!" from someone else, possibly Mrs. Constipa-Face. The Son, though, gave me a hug. I kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, "wait til your next and final graduation...if you think I'm bad now, I'll be a hot mess, THEN!!" Lucky for us all, I have another four years. Now I've got to get around the fact that he'll graduate college before his sister even finishes High School... And then, to the Daughter, I said, "You just wait, too...when YOU graduate, I'll be crying even HARDER, and I'll make sure there are honking noises when I blow my nose...JUST for you, my darling...and even better, still - you're the spitting image of your Mama, so you won't be able to hide..." She groaned. Serves her right for making fun of her mother, doesn't it? I'm sure I'll be ugly-crying AGAIN when his senior picture proofs arrive. He took them two days before graduation and I'm expecting those to arrive in about two to three weeks. Then, two days after the graduation, I had forty people show up to my house (would have been at least six to seven more people, but I had a few last-minute cancellations) and although I had Oompa staying here for a few days to help out, I certainly got in my exercise...just within my own home. I lost count of how many times I went up and down the stairs, how many trips I made from the kitchen sliders/upper deck to the newly-set concrete slab one story below. By the time the night was over on Saturday, I was ready to collapse in exhaustion; my feet were KILLING me and I had some unpleasant chafing in an even more uncomfortable place. This morning, I felt a ton better, both physically and mentally - Oompa left early this morning (but not before expressing any and everything that disappointed her at one point or another...while Constipa-Face is good for nothing less than a daily dose of disapproval, my mother takes first place in every single woe-is-me contest that there ever was - even the imaginary ones) and will be gone until the Daughter's birthday, which is in two weeks. I spent the day with my father, who leaves tomorrow morning and will return for the next party, which is going to be held at the wasband's house. And since the wasband has effectively demonstrated that it's NORMAL to show up an hour after the party has started, I may demonstrate my own learning abilities by doing the same thing. (I say 'MAY' only because my Daughter will likely suffer the consequences of my being purposely tardy; and that's not fair to her at ALL.) Who am I kidding? I'll be there on time if not a little bit early - at least my kids will know I'm reliable while their father is not. I will be spending the next two weeks attempting to get back that feeling of normalcy and calm - the amount of stress that I've had on my plate was at an all-time high and the lowering of my blood pressure is a vital, necessary thing. I'll be posting another update shortly - for now, another good nights' sleep is in order as the recuperation process has begun. Sending lots of hugs and love to you all - I've missed everyone!!! - Capulet
  27. I came on today to ask, "is this day really hard for anyone else?" and 2 seconds on, I can see it is. I'm so sorry for anyone who experiences this day as a reminder of what our fathers/father figures were not, of pain caused and hearts broken or betrayed. I feel it, too, and we all deserved better. 

    1. Free2Fly


      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      yeah I think everyone is having quite a hard time & it really sucks to see everyone this way :( ... 

      even I have fallen on hard times it's been nothing but dark days & very hard to get through....

    2. rsilver15


      Thank you! It does, and I am so sorry you are feeling this way too - at least we know we are not alone, right? safe hugs back to you, hope tomorrow is better/easier

    3. Free2Fly


      Your welcome & thank u , yeah it's good to know that your not alone in these dull days.

      i hope tomorrow is better/easier for you too.

      sitting with you and here if you wanna talk.

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